Bayman Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Hello everybody, I’ve been reading this forum for months now, but just got up the courage to post my story, I hope you can help me understand my situation. Today is 7 months since I’ve been separated from my Wife. Back in April my Wife asked me to get help for my drinking and attitude problem or get out, instead of doing the right thing I had to be a wise A$$ and say I would get out, I really didn’t think she was serious. A few weeks later on our anniversary she refused my gifts and told me to get out, I asked for a couple of weeks to get a place and she agreed. For those 2 weeks I stayed away from drinking and we actually got along very well, but the day before I was to leave she told me she didn’t want to be home when I packed and left. Since that time we went from talking every day to very little contact, what contact I do have with her is by e-mail only. After I left I went into recovery for my alcohol problem and have been sober for 6 months now, I also go to therapy every week, which helps me a lot. We had issues in our marriage about my first wife, (who lived in a house I own) with my 2 kids, who are now grown up, this was always a sore spot with my current wife, but since we were married 3 ½ years ago she knew I still had an agreement to let the ex live in the house until my youngest was emancipated. Because of my drinking I became very distant and started to sleep on the couch, this was pretty much the way I acted for the last year we were together sorry to say. There was no affection on my part and at times I was verbally abusive to her, I was not a pleasant guy to be around. I really miss her, and I spend a lot of time regretting how I acted, and I have told her that. She responds by saying she forgives me for the way I treated her, but in 7 months I’ve only been with her 5 times, one was a dinner date and the other 4 times were to pick stuff up at the house. I know I’ve made some terrible mistakes in my marriage, I came into it with a lot of baggage, but I never held anything back from her. She was married before but never had children, her last husband was a cheater, and she divorced him. The thing that I am having a problem with is that for the first 4 months we were separated she would always tell me there was hope, never mentioning divorce. Then one day we were having a conversation on the phone and I asked her if we could get together to talk about us, she replied anything I had to ask her I could say over the phone. When I said I wanted to talk face to face she got mad and said to tell her right then and there. I asked her if she would go to marriage counseling and there was silence on the other end of the phone, when I pressed her to answer she got upset and said ‘I don’t know”. Then I did something really stupid, I was upset and hurt, so I told her if there was someone else in her life I would get out of the way and let her be. That’s when things went downhill, and after that day she no longer called me, before this she would call me every day. I know I’ve messed up my marriage, and I take full responsibility for my actions, but I’m in a lot of pain and she still won’t tell me if we are headed for divorce or if there is anything to hope for. Thanks for listening.
trippi1432 Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Hi Bayman - first, very brave of you to face your issues and come here to post...I commend you on that. Those who know me here on LS know that my biggest issue in my marriage was my exH's use of alcohol and the way he treated his family....so I can understand your wife's push for you to get help. However, having said that, I will not project on you or bash you for taking the steps to get the help you needed. Right now, where your wife's head is at is trying to trust you again...couple that with what her last husband did as well...well, a huge mix of re-evaluation on her behalf. Right now, you have to allow her to have her anger as well due to the many years wasted to the alcohol...I don't think I have to tell you that since you went to recovery and are in therapy. You say that you don't know where her head is at, but she is not mentioning divorce currently....I would not press the issue right now, but continue doing what you are doing to get away from the alcohol.....it takes time for both of you to heal that before you can get down to re-establishing the relationship. Good luck to you and please keep posting....
Author Bayman Posted December 30, 2010 Author Posted December 30, 2010 trippi, Thanks so much for your response, all I have now is hope. I actually got an e-mail from her today asking me how I'm doing, I just told her I'm getting better day by day. I know I caused her a lot of pain, and there is nothing I can do to make it up to her, but I can change, and I will. thanks again for your insight.
trippi1432 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Just keep showing her change Bayman...as long as you are not out messing around and working on you, that is all you can do right now. Keep moving in the right direction for you, no matter what the outcome. Not sure if you have seen another forum that may be of benefit for what you are going through as well as LS for help...but there is another place called sober recovery <----(yes, click on that) that may be of benefit to you as well.
Author Bayman Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 trippi, Thanks so much for that link, that is a very active forum with lots of good info.
Author Bayman Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Update: My Wife sent me an e-mail last week to tell me it was one of our dogs birthday, and also asking how I was doing and what was new, after e-mailing back and forth I asked her how her Christmas was, she told me it was OK but that she wasn't happy but she "would deal with it". I decided to call her and I did this past Thursday for the first time since mid December, we had a good conversation mostly about what is going on with me. I have Leukemia which thank God is in remission, I was telling my Wife that I am going back to the Oncologist later this month and she asked me if I wanted her to go with me, of course I said I did. When I went through Chemo a few years ago she always went with me, and she took care of me when I was sick from it. This gesture on her part means a lot to me, but I am probably reading too much into it. On New Years Eve she sent me a real nice e-card and I e-mailed her back that it was really nice and that I wished I was back in the the house with her and the dogs for New Years, her reply was she agreed with me but it was "too bad things didn't work out". Then this morning I called her again, she has a bad cold so I asked her how she was doing and she basically had nothing to say to me, I quickly got the feeling I was bothering her and she didn't want to talk to me, so I told her to feel better and got off the phone. I don't understand these mixed messages, and she has never told me she wants a divorce, but every time we start communicating she gives me hope then seems to say something to extinguish it. Thoughts?
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