josephv Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 My wife is very close with her family but unfortunately they live in another country and it is not easy for them to see the grand kids. My parents on the other hand stay within the same county as we do and they get to see more of the grand kids. My wife and my parents had couple of arguments already and she doesn't have the best relationship with them as I would like to. Anyway, I think she is now jealous of my parents seeing the grand kids more and the grand kids building a relationship with them more than her parents. Her parents when we call them state how much they miss the grand kids and would like to see them. How do I deal with a wife who is jealous in this situation?
Iconoclast Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Get a webcam. They can see and talk with the kids all they like. Or, move, or tell them to move. That's just reality. Time for her to deal with it.
sally4sara Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 My wife is very close with her family but unfortunately they live in another country and it is not easy for them to see the grand kids. My parents on the other hand stay within the same county as we do and they get to see more of the grand kids. My wife and my parents had couple of arguments already and she doesn't have the best relationship with them as I would like to. Anyway, I think she is now jealous of my parents seeing the grand kids more and the grand kids building a relationship with them more than her parents. Her parents when we call them state how much they miss the grand kids and would like to see them. How do I deal with a wife who is jealous in this situation? What is it she and your parents argue about? Her being "jealous" doesn't make sense in the context of what you shared. If you all lived in the same area it would make a bit of sense, but not with the distance involved. Unless she is rolling up in your parents house and being hateful for no reason, the situation between your spouse and your parents is a two way street. Both sides are making your life difficult for selfish reasons.
Author josephv Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 They lived in the same house for a total about 3 years in order to help us take care of the kids. We have thee kids right now. Staying together caused the tension and they argued about my father cutting one of the kids hair, one of the kids had lice and tensions arose during that subject, etc... So my parents moved out and got their place about 5 minutes from our house. So one day my mother wanted to take the youngest back to their apartment and my wife said know. My mom was taking care of the youngest during that time when we went to work during that time. Argument got started, then I got involved, made it even more worse (to keep a long story short). Right now my life is a living hell. I can't focus on work or anythign else for that matter.
sally4sara Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Things get confusing when you rely on your parents too much with the kids. They already know how to run in "parent mode" and are not use to having to check with younger people before making decisions concerning how to take care of children. Such as with the cutting the hair. The kids are not theirs. Your dad should have asked first. But since it sounds like this was an everyday situation for your parents to help with the kids, they started taking liberties about it. Making decisions without checking with your and your wife. I doubt they did it to be rude or disrespectful, but since you and your wife are, compared to them, "newbies", them not checking with you or your wife comes off rude and disrespectful. Something has to give. Either stop relying on them so much or stop (this one is on your wife) taking their help as a knock to her own parenting. She isn't upset about your parents seeing the kids more than her own parents. Its about her feeling like her parenting isn't good enough and your parents over stepping their bounds.
Author josephv Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 Ok. That makes sense. My parents taken a backseat approach with taking care of the kids. They step in when they need to and don't when they don't need to. Couple of questions: 1. What can I do? Honestly, I don't want to get involved because I think if I hadn't gotten involved the first time around, it may not be that bad now. 2. Will the separation between my parents and my wife help the situation in the future? My wife has stated that her relation with my parents won't be the same as in the past. Don't know what that means. I am assuming she is not going to be as "chummy" as she used to be. 3. Will time heal these wounds?
Author josephv Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 Sometimes I feel like she is doing things to irritate me. I am trying my best to not react to things and keep my cool. How can I handle that as well? Why is it always different with your wife and her parents? It seems like they are more foregiving or less critical of their parents than yours... :-(
Author josephv Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 On your comment "Either stop relying on them so much or stop (this one is on your wife) taking their help as a knock to her own parenting." You know, recently, she has been trying to do things on her own rather than relying on my parents. I was wondering too why she was doing that. Before, she would call my parents when she need help and let them take care of the kids. Do you think that is the reason why she is doing that? Should I take this negatively? I know these are a lot of questions and I apologize... I am just trying to find answers or some reasoning...
coffeecat Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Joseph, I don't know what culture you are from but my husband is arab. His mother , ( and probably many other mother-in-laws from other cultures) definately have control issues. She ( my mother-in-law) feels that she is the matriarch of the family and should be allowed certain rights and privilages that supercede mine. For example, she wished to cut my children's hair , and wanted to even NAME them. I remember telling my husband that his mom had her own children and NAMED them and now it's my turn. Anyway, I don't mean to hijack your thread, the point is that maybe your wife just wants to be a mother to her own children on her own terms and she doesn't want to feel she is competing with your parents for authority. She is the authority and it is very humiliating for a mother to be disrespected in front of her children or to tell her child one thing and grandma or grandpa comes and tells them another. Your wife is not jealous. That is ridiculous. Also, please be careful taking your parents side over your wife's. Your wife is the one you have to go to bed with at night and wake up with in the morning. Don't make her your enemy over this. And yes, it will heal with time. one thing that we all learn as our children grow is that family is invaluable.
Author josephv Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 I unfortunately made the mistake of getting involved and I did take the side of my parents, which I know is a mistake. Anyway, I have learned my lesson. So what I can do and what I should do in the future, so I dont mess up in the future.
sally4sara Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 On your comment "Either stop relying on them so much or stop (this one is on your wife) taking their help as a knock to her own parenting." You know, recently, she has been trying to do things on her own rather than relying on my parents. I was wondering too why she was doing that. Before, she would call my parents when she need help and let them take care of the kids. Do you think that is the reason why she is doing that? Should I take this negatively? I know these are a lot of questions and I apologize... I am just trying to find answers or some reasoning... When she does take on the parenting her way, encourage her; tell her you're proud. When your parents balk or complain. remind them they did their tour of parenting and you think they did a good job with you but that its now up to you and your wife to do your tour of parenting. Help them see that nitpicking at her parenting is discouraging to her because it causes hard feelings and makes your life harder to see them at odds with the woman you love. Wives are not the only ones who view their in-laws harsher than their own parents. In-laws also view whomever their kid marries in a harsher light than they will their own kid. If they don't like something you BOTH did, they usually pin it on the person they didn't raise because pinning it on their own adult kid is to say they didn't raise their own kid right.
coffeecat Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Hey Joseph, when you took your parents side , your wife probably felt ganged up on and lonely. This is why you see her reaching out for her parents and missing them. This is not jealousy. She probably just feels all alone and like her the family that she married into is against her. All that you really can do is be kind and reassuring and assure her that you are on her side. You can explain her feelings to your parents and if they are reasonable ( which many elders are not) they will understand your position and not want you to be in the middle. In the future, don't take anyone's side. Work to make peace between both parties and always show that you understand each one's point of view ( but especially your wife's) Right now if you want to make up with your wife get her a gift or something or take her and the kids out for a family day.
Goldenspoon Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 How do I deal with a wife who is jealous in this situation? You should spank her at night. Show her who's the man of the house.
Author josephv Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 Great advice... From what I have seen these days, I think my parents have been understanding towards my wife and they don't "muddle" or interfere or nitpick how she takes care of the kids, which is the most puzzling thing of all. Questions: 1. Can my wife be jealous of my parents (in the sense that I took their side and/or show care for them)? 2. These days it seems like my wife is being critical of my parents (like looking at the smallest things and blowing it up, where there isn't anything there). How should I handle that? 3. Also she shuts down in front of my parents, which concerns me. I had already talked to her about it and told her how much it hurts. Leave it alone? 4. My wife does things for her parents (like send them kids pictures) than my parents. How should I react to that? Again, sorry for asking all these questions...
Goldenspoon Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Great advice..... Are you going to follow my advice or not?
coffeecat Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 How old are your your kids? Is it possible your wife just might generally be sad or homesick and is just taking it out on you or your parents? Maybe she is just unhappy in general over something else and is just taking it out on you or your parents. The reason I ask about your children's age is because sometimes when a woman has young children she can feel really overwhelmed, taken for granted and just tired. Does she work, go to school, or have any outside interests. I am going back to my theory that she may be lonely and missing her family and her country. That's why she is sending her parents pictures. Your parents already see your kids all the time. It may not be a "jealousy" but a resentment that your children are getting closer to your parents and not hers. You should show her that you sympathize with this and ENCOURAGE your children to have a relationship with your wife's parents. Remind her to let the kids call and talk or set up a SKYPE account so they can do video chats. Show that you are concerned that your kids know ALL of their grandparents and consider her parents as important to your chldren's lives as your own. SHOW KINDNESS toward HER PARENTS so that you can rightfully expect that she will show kindness towards yours.
Author josephv Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 I agree that her parents don't see the kids more often than my parents. I feel sorry that they can't see the kiddos as frequently as my parents. One thing that do ring a bell with what you said is that whenver we talk to my wife's mother she always says how much she misses them, etc... They live in another country and I am not preventing them to coming over and staying with us/seeing the kids. I have no problem with them coming over and staying as long as they want. We have three kids that are less than five years old. My wife is working full time but her job is not that stressful.
Goldenspoon Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 We have three kids that are less than five years old. My wife is working full time but her job is not that stressful. Are you going to make more kids?
coffeecat Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Hi Joseph 3 kids under 5 years old is stressful- without no job at all. She's probably just taking out her bad mood on you and your parents. Be patient and understanding. I can tell you love her a lot and want to work this out. Everything will be okay. Work on doing some family things together and maybe some couple things too. Also make it clear to her what you said here that her parents are welcome anytime. Also if she says or does hurtful things against your parents, you could say "hey don't say that, even if you are upset with my mom. She's still my mom and I wouldn't say that about your mom". I don't know if this strategy would work or not or cause more argument but I'm just putting it out there as a last resort if she continues in acting unreasonable toward your parents after you have done your part in trying to make things peaceful.
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 We have three kids that are less than five years old. My wife is working full time but her job is not that stressful. How much responsibility do you take for caring for the children? I mean, in every way? Changing nappies, feeding, bathing, dressing, putting to bed, talking places, everything? You may believe your wife's job is not stressful, but with three children under 5, her hormones and her body have not had time to adjust, settle down or get back to normal. Trust me - with the tiny ones - she has plenty of stress! It takes between 1 - 3 years for a body to recover from a pregnancy. She hasn't even fully recovered from the first baby yet, and she's had 2 more! Fer chrissakes, wear a condom and give her a break!!
Stung Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Does your wife tell you her job is not that stressful, or is that your judgment? Perhaps her job is more stressful to her than you would find it yourself. Also, many women find it stressful to work at all and be away from their young children. Having three young children is stressful by itself, whether she's working or not. Honestly, she sounds stressed out and frustrated, to me. It is very, very difficult to feel constantly misunderstood and judged, rather than listened to, validated and supported. If you are reacting negatively to your wife sending her parents pictures of their grandchildren whom they never see, demanding that she send pictures to your parents as well to create false equity in a situation that's inherently unequal--after all, your parents see their grandchildren often, why should your wife feel it's necessary to send them pictures as well?--well, that's overbearing. That's creating stress, and resentment.
Author josephv Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 She hasn't told me directly that her job is stressful or not stressful but she has told me that she surfs on the internet (uploads her facebook photos, get caught up with person emails, etc...). I do help out with the chores around the house (like bathing the kids in the evening, taking out trash, etc...). I leave early from the house to work but I do prepare breakfast for the kids before I leave for work. But she takes care of them with feeding and getting them dressed.
DaisyLeigh Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I unfortunately made the mistake of getting involved and I did take the side of my parents, which I know is a mistake. Anyway, I have learned my lesson. So what I can do and what I should do in the future, so I dont mess up in the future. For one thing, apologize to your wife. Let her know that YOU were wrong to take the side of your parents. Then, when things come up again, you let your parents know that you are married and your first loyalty is to your WIFE, not them. Do not repeat the same mistake. Women do NOT find a "man" who throws them under the bus for Mommy and Daddy to be a good husband or father. Not to mention that it is really NOT sexy. Ick.
DaisyLeigh Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 She hasn't told me directly that her job is stressful or not stressful but she has told me that she surfs on the internet (uploads her facebook photos, get caught up with person emails, etc...). I do help out with the chores around the house (like bathing the kids in the evening, taking out trash, etc...). I leave early from the house to work but I do prepare breakfast for the kids before I leave for work. But she takes care of them with feeding and getting them dressed. That does not mean that she is not stressed out.
WonderingWhatIf Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 For one thing, apologize to your wife. Let her know that YOU were wrong to take the side of your parents. Then, when things come up again, you let your parents know that you are married and your first loyalty is to your WIFE, not them. Do not repeat the same mistake. Women do NOT find a "man" who throws them under the bus for Mommy and Daddy to be a good husband or father. Not to mention that it is really NOT sexy. Ick. I couldn't agree more. This was a mistake on your part. Please apologize and let her know you are on her side. It doesn't seem like you are, but it does sound like you want to be. So, just do it!
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