Linda9999 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Christmas was hard. Way harder than I expected. I'm trying to figure out why. This is going to be all over the place. No need to reply. His parents and mine were at our place. Same as last year, before D day. His came Xmas eve, stayed over, left Xmas day. Mine came Xmas day, stayed over, went home the 26th. The whole time I felt like there was a huge elephant in the room. His parents know exactly what he did, although not that he was still at it after I kicked him out. Mine don't know as many details, but they know generally what he did, and that he did something again while we were split. His parents have not said a single word to him or to me about it since last March when D day was and he told them. That's their usual MO though. Mine haven't been pushy but I have talked to them in general terms. He hasn't talked to them at all. Not that I blame him, really, but sooner or later I think he will need to. Part of his 12 step program. Anyway, it's my own thing but I couldn't relax with all these people being together and no one mentioning what he did. No one really could mention it because of the kids, but that didn't change how I felt. Maybe I am still feeling like he needs to pay somehow or something?? Or apologize to our parents for what he did? He's good at apologizing to me, but I don't think he's apologized to anyone else at all yet. Then on the 26th and 27th I felt really out of sorts. Nothing he did was what he was supposed to do, even though it was what he's been doing right all along. Again, not his fault, my fault. Last night I just broke down again. Everything was triggering me. It was just too much. I felt as though I couldn't do it any more. I didn't want him to touch me either. I hadn't felt like that since D day#2 November 6. All the doubts and fears overwhelmed me. The mind movies of him in the throes of passion with someone else took over my brain and I wanted to throttle him. Everything he's been doing right didn't matter at all and I just wanted to crawl away on my own and lick my wounds. I cried myself to sleep. This morning we made love (my choice) and I asked him how long it's going to be before he decides he doesn't want to deal with my damaged psyche any more. More doubts and fears. I almost felt like I was in mourning last night. Mourning for or relationship that will never be again maybe? The one where he never cheated? Perhaps mourning for my lost self, the self that will not have been cheated on? I do not know right now. Time will bring clarity I hope.
2010_Sorry Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Hi Linda. I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Your husband probably wants to "move on" from his mistakes and doesn't want to talk with you about why he chose to do the things that he did. Believe me, this is something that you both need to explore fully in order to make your marriage stronger and protected from further infidelity. I am halfway into a really GREAT book that may help you, you both or even just him on how to address the causes, triggers and emotions that a couple faces after an affair is made known. I highly recommend it! Getting Past the Affair: A Program to help you cope, heal, and move on - together or apart Written by Douglas K. Snyder Realize that what you're feeling is normal.... There are MANY other people going through this as well... just like you.
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Hi Linda! If it is important to you that he apologize to your parents and maybe to his, ask for it! Have him help you get the big fat elephant off of the kitchen table. If he cannot do so in person, have him write a letter to them. Obviously, his conflict avoidance was learned in the home. If Christmas is triggering you, and that is completely normal, try to make the holiday different somehow, anyhow, until it can no longer trigger you! Do something new, or unusual, or mix it up. Get creative. I had to do that for many, many holidays for at least 2 years. Holidays were hell because I thought we had this happy family life during his affair, and I guess we did not. So when we began to celebrate the holiday as we had always done, I immediately went to...he was talking to her last year on this day in secret with me being stupidly unawares. Look, if he is truly remorseful, he will have to put up with your emotions until.....as long as it takes. You are still in phase one....shock and denial. Are you and he going to counseling? Reading at other sites?
Author Linda9999 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 Thanks for your replies, and the book rec also. Looks like a good read. Yes we're in counseling, he's also in IC. We are also working through Gottmans 7 principles. He knows he has to put up with all this. In my moments of fear and doubt, though, I envision him throwing his hands in the air and saying to hell with it. He is in a 12 step program also, and one of the steps is to apologize to those he's hurt. When he gets there is soon enough - he has to get there on his own. "Holidays were hell because I thought we had this happy family life during his affair, and I guess we did not. So when we began to celebrate the holiday as we had always done, I immediately went to...he was talking to her last year on this day in secret with me being stupidly unawares." That is exactly how I felt.
Recommended Posts