My Boyfriend gave me flowers for Xmas!

[zengirl]

This could be so much worse. One of my friends complained to me that her BF of 8 years got her - TEA!

 

This girl enjoys a cup of tea now and then but hell! she HAS tea and pretty fancy tea at that already!

 

Well, if he got everyone the same tea, or if it was boring generic tea. . . okay. But I got a friend of mine loose grapefruit flavored tea and a special infusing kit for loose tea by the cup, and she was thrilled. It was her favorite gift. But I remembered that she (a) loves grapefruit, (b) wished she had a way to drink loose tea at work. So, it was still tea, but thoughtful. I think even a plain set of Tazo tea bags or something could be a thoughtful gift if it was well-suited to the person.

 

Actually, all things equal, I'd rather have some tea than some flowers. But I hate flowers, personally, and any guy I've ever dated has known that within a few months of dating me (before this came up, I'd enjoy the thought, of course, if they randomly got me flowers).

 

The point, to me, is never so simple as What Is or What Isn't a good gift; it's what does it say about the person you're buying it for.

 

You're certainly entitled to measure your self-worth as a person by what kind of gifts you give, and how much you persuade yourself they mean to other people.

 

Why you think anyone else should be measured that way has yet to be explained, and I really don't think you can do that, because first, you would have to be able to explain why you think anyone really cares about what gifts you give to them, and if so, why that matters to you.

 

I'm not measuring anyone's worth as a person. . . it's measuring the thought, time, and energy you put into caring about finding a gift for that person. I've already said that flopping (and obviously trying hard) is still good.

 

I know people care about the gifts I give them, and I try my hardest to be thoughtful and remember small details about people. This has helped me in relationships, with friends, and even with clients when I was in advertising. Everyone wants to feel heard and valued.

 

I'm not saying her BF is a terrible person, but he's flawed as a gift-giver and was lazy with bot his GF's and his Mom's gift, and that'd make me look for red flags of thoughtlessness everywhere, as would many people. Again, no one has said this dude should be run on a rail out of town or anything.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OK...just to clarify...i don't think it was the amount of money he spent. I am dating this guy and for xmas he prob spent like $25 bucks...i was ECSTATIC!!!! You know why??? Because when we first went out I mentioned I luv looking at the stars at night. So he went out and bought me one of those projectors that make stars glow on your ceiling...corny? YES but I luved it b/c it showed he put something called THOUGHT into the gift. And it prob cost the same as a bunch of flowers that her guy probably just picked up from the grocery store on the way to her house after dropping off the SAME flowers at his mommy's. That is why she needs to move on b/c if he is careless now imagine a few months down the road. Any guy who feels the flowers were ok shouldn't be dating...and if they are it is with needy girls who put up with that and have no backbone. I stand by my advice...move on. You can do BETTER!!!!!!

 

That was a nice, creative gesture your boyfriend made for you.

 

I do think that it's a little precipitous to suggest that the OP ditch her boyfriend, who she really likes and has plenty of nice things to say about, for his poor gift giving skills on this occasion. I think the same about the guys here who are saying they'd dump her because she is not thrilled to receive the same bouquet that his madre did for Christmas.

 

Really, people?

[sally4sara]

Well, if he got everyone the same tea, or if it was boring generic tea. . . okay. But I got a friend of mine loose grapefruit flavored tea and a special infusing kit for loose tea by the cup, and she was thrilled. It was her favorite gift. But I remembered that she (a) loves grapefruit, (b) wished she had a way to drink loose tea at work. So, it was still tea, but thoughtful. I think even a plain set of Tazo tea bags or something could be a thoughtful gift if it was well-suited to the person.

 

Actually, all things equal, I'd rather have some tea than some flowers. But I hate flowers, personally, and any guy I've ever dated has known that within a few months of dating me (before this came up, I'd enjoy the thought, of course, if they randomly got me flowers).

 

The point, to me, is never so simple as What Is or What Isn't a good gift; it's what does it say about the person you're buying it for.

 

 

 

I'm not measuring anyone's worth as a person. . . it's measuring the thought, time, and energy you put into caring about finding a gift for that person. I've already said that flopping (and obviously trying hard) is still good.

 

I know people care about the gifts I give them, and I try my hardest to be thoughtful and remember small details about people. This has helped me in relationships, with friends, and even with clients when I was in advertising. Everyone wants to feel heard and valued.

 

I'm not saying her BF is a terrible person, but he's flawed as a gift-giver and was lazy with bot his GF's and his Mom's gift, and that'd make me look for red flags of thoughtlessness everywhere, as would many people. Again, no one has said this dude should be run on a rail out of town or anything.

 

Tea for a tea lover who talked about wanting tea is one thing. So-so tea for someone who might have tea now and then, already has the specialty tea they like and didn't ask for tea after dating for 8 years is way worse than getting flowers after 4 months. And yeah, he got the same tea for a bunch of people.

[zengirl]

Tea for a tea lover who talked about wanting tea is one thing. So-so tea for someone who might have tea now and then, already has the specialty tea they like and didn't ask for tea after dating for 8 years is way worse than getting flowers after 4 months. And yeah, he got the same tea for a bunch of people.

 

Well, yes, that's lazy. I don't like lazy gifts because they so smack of, "Man, I wish this holiday didn't exist so I didn't have to bother getting you something, but since I have to, here's your ****." How is that fun? For either person?

[NoLongerSad]

Well, yes, that's lazy. I don't like lazy gifts because they so smack of, "Man, I wish this holiday didn't exist so I didn't have to bother getting you something, but since I have to, here's your ****." How is that fun? For either person?

 

Like I said before--and thanks for admitting it so bluntly, by the way--a lot of people think Christmas is just about getting stuff.

 

No one's obligated to get you anything on Christmas. You're not a small child who believes in Santa Claus, you're an adult. The existence of Christmas in no way implies that you are entitled to receive gifts, from anyone. Wherever did you get that notion from, anyway?

 

 

If you're a practicing Christian, then Christmas is about the birth of your Savior. Not about getting trinkets whether for their own value or simply to prop up your own ego by the getting of them.

 

If you're not a practicing Christian, then obviously it doesn't make a difference either way.

[NoLongerSad]

Exactly. Learn it, know it, live it.

 

Sorry, but I prefer to behave rationally. You can dance the dance of irrationality all you like, but you won't end up with much to show for it.

 

 

This is a ludicrous argument because those who make it are applying hindsight to a situation where she had no pre-preparation to consider what she wanted.

 

No one's applying hindsight to anything. She was asked what she would like and responded, "Nothing." She got more than nothing, but chose to be insulted rather than graciously thankful for a gift of flowers, in the spirit of the season.

 

People have a large role in their own happiness. If we choose to want more than we receive or are entitled to, then we will be dissatisfied with what we have. She chose to view the gift of flowers in the worst way possible, rather than in the best way possible. She didn't have to do that. That was a choice she made, and obviously it was not beneficial to her.

 

She just did the modest thing in the moment and tried not to place any big burden on him.

 

It seems as if it was an act of false modesty. True modesty would have been to have said "nothing" and really meant it. She didn't really mean it, did she?

 

False modesty is not a virtue.

 

 

But of course she wants a token of what she means to him at this time. Who doesn't?

 

And she got that token. It was her choice to denigrate the gift she received. That sour view of the world is her view, not his.

 

 

I'm a guy and I even understand that.

 

You are a sometimes amusing poster but I think there is much that you do not understand, but the problem is you think you do.

 

 

She gave him the benefit of the doubt with his puny phone-in gift but discovering his mother got the same told her her benefit of the doubt was too generous.

 

"Benefit of the doubt" pertaining to what? She wasn't entitled to anything at all. A gift is exactly that--freely given, not a matter of obligation. At least in principle, although many posters here seem to believe a gift is not a gift, but rather, a matter of obligation.

 

 

People--including, if not especially, women--are going to answer the "what should I get you for Christmas" question the same way often if they haven't yet considered it and/or don't have an idea of what it is precisely that they want.

 

Obviously she had plenty of time to let him know once she made up her mind. But that's not the issue, is it? She wanted something more than she got, but did not want to say what her expectations were, because she apparently feared being perceived as greedy or avaricious. She clearly believed that, because she had spent money on his birthday dinner and present, some degree of reciprocation was required. But she knew it would be inappropriate for her to express that notion. So she didn't.

 

Now, quite obviously, when he asked her what she wanted for Xmas, she could have easily told him she wanted him to take her out for dinner at a fancy restaurant. Why didn't she? Only she knows, and it's unfair to blame the bf for not being a mind-reader.

 

 

 

If someone asked you a question like this at a time when you haven't yet considered it, are you going to say you will have the perfectly thought out answer and lay it there to the letter? Mercy.

 

No, I would tell them "let me think about it, I'm not sure yet," and I would let them know after thinking about it.

 

I would not however lie to them about my desires, then turn around later and blame the other person for not knowing I was lying.

[zengirl]

Like I said before--and thanks for admitting it so bluntly, by the way--a lot of people think Christmas is just about getting stuff.

 

No one's obligated to get you anything on Christmas. You're not a small child who believes in Santa Claus, you're an adult. The existence of Christmas in no way implies that you are entitled to receive gifts, from anyone. Wherever did you get that notion from, anyway?

 

If you're a practicing Christian, then Christmas is about the birth of your Savior. Not about getting trinkets whether for their own value or simply to prop up your own ego by the getting of them.

 

If you're not a practicing Christian, then obviously it doesn't make a difference either way.

 

I'm definitely not Christian. Christmas is not solely a Christian holiday, and many agnostics celebrate aspects of it.

 

I don't think I'm "entitled" to gifts, but if someone is going to buy me a gift, I want them to put thought into it. And yes, I expect my SO to buy me a gift if we're exchanging gifts. If we both agree not to exchange gifts, that's different -- again, that doesn't sound fun to me. I've done versions of Christmas with my friends/family where we make all the gifts or where we do good deeds and share about them instead of buying gifts. I don't care about trinkets. I care about the thought and celebration.

 

I'm entitled to believe that putting thought into a Christmas gift is an important way of showing that you care about someone. Being an adult does not make me any less right in believing that or prioritizing it in my relationships with my friends, family, and significant other, and it has nothing to do with materialism or greed. Money is really not important in showing thoughtfulness----as I said, people often use it as a cop out, rather than putting in the more important thing: TIME.

 

The fact is, relationships (all kinds) are build on energy and time put into them. Celebrating occasions is one way --- a very important way for many people --- to demonstrate this. Why are you so against putting thought and energy into gift-giving?

 

And, I didn't say Christmas is just about "getting" stuff. For me, it's actually more about giving stuff. I am hurt by a lack of effort in gifts because it shows priorities that don't mesh with my own. Giving to people who are too lazy to be bothered to think of me the same way I thought of them. . . well, it isn't much fun. I don't care about the stuff. Or the money. I care about the energy invested. How do you not understand the difference?

[Star Gazer]

Money is really not important in showing thoughtfulness----as I said, people often use it as a cop out, rather than putting in the more important thing: TIME.

 

Who says that's the more important thing to everyone? It really depends on what the giver's emotional currency is, what they value. For many, it is money, and spending money is how they show they care. For others, it's time. But everyone doesn't express themselves in the same way.

[zengirl]

Who says that's the more important thing to everyone? It really depends on what the giver's emotional currency is, what they value. For many, it is money, and spending money is how they show they care. For others, it's time. But everyone doesn't express themselves in the same way.

 

I agree that everyone doesn't think this way. These are my values. But it goes back to the statement, "It's the thought that counts." To me, money (materialism) is a crappy thought. I've known men who spend money to show they care, and I don't care for it.

 

I guess I don't think anyone who values money HAS emotional currency. You're free to disagree, of course.

[Star Gazer]

I guess I don't think anyone who values money HAS emotional currency.

 

Goodness! In that case, can I have your bank routing and account numbers, and credit card numbers? I'll gladly take what you don't value!

[that girl]

Let me get this straight No Longer Sad

 

1) No one should expect a present, even if it a culturally expected day to receive gifts like Christmas or your birthday and you have previously exchanged gifts.

 

2) People are never allowed to be unhappy with any gift ever.

 

3) Women are difficult, shallow, and stupid.

 

4) Anyone who does not agree with you is both wrong and stupid.

 

Is that all?

[zengirl]

Goodness! In that case, can I have your bank routing and account numbers, and credit card numbers? I'll gladly take what you don't value!

 

Ha , I admit I require money in terms of self-sufficiency (since I can't eat or have a roof over my head without it), but I don't value it for things like gift giving and showing affection to others. I don't value money for itself at all.

 

The worst gift I've ever gotten was a diamond ring. (I hate diamonds, and the gift-giver at one point knew that, but said he wouldn't feel right if he didn't buy a diamond engagement ring that was worth at least two months of his salary----quite a lot of money since he made 6 figures a year. The gift was for him and his ego.) I declined it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like enough money to be debt-free, give to causes I care about, travel a bit, get the education I want, and feel unstressed about it. But that's all. People who "keep score" with it. . . I think it damages their souls, and they lose all their emotional currency, that was my point.

[Els]

Re: The money vs time issue, I think there's a balance to be found. After all, money DOES equate to time, most notably through spending time working at a job, unless you're a heiress whose daddy is a billionaire. I think people who think spending ONLY money is sufficient to make their SO happy, are pretty ****ed in the head. However, that does not mean that money can never be used to make someone happy - the money someone spends on you is a sacrifice nonetheless and should not be discounted. Just that it should not always be used in replacement of time and thought.

[musemaj11]

Because that's not fun!

 

You're sucking all the joy out of gift-giving with this. I love giving gifts, picking out just the right gift for each person, and I'd be really disappointed if my boyfriend didn't put effort into my gift. And it's not about money. My dad gave me a ton of money, which I'll use --- it's definitely helpful --- but he didn't even give me a card or wrap anything, and I would have honestly rather something that cost $5 that he had time to think about. He gave me 5 $100 bills, all folded up, and said, "I don't wrap or shop." My Mom and Step-father gave me several gifts I know they'd gone to trouble to select just for me. They wrapped everything nicely. They still write "Santa" on a few of the little gifts, even though none of us believes in Santa, and so do I with theirs. It's fun! All of their gifts combined cost WAY less than $500, but I enjoyed them so much more than the cash and felt so much more appreciated.

 

And yes, it shows thoughftulness and appreciation for the people you love, if you do it with thoughtfulness, and not like it's some terrible chore.

Yea but the problem is not everyone finds gift hunting fun!

 

You will go out of your way climbing the highest mountain in order to get what you believe is the perfect gift because you actually enjoy the whole process. In itself its not a problem if you are happy enough with giving the gift to another person and thats it. Now the problem arises when you EXPECT the other person to return the favor and EXPECT him to invest equal effort because basically what you are doing is that you are forcing someone to indulge in something you enjoy doing.

 

Its like I like to play soccer every single day and Im upset because my girlfriend who isnt very active, refuses to invest her time and effort in playing soccer with me everyday. Its unfair for her.

[that girl]

Its like I like to play soccer every single day and Im upset because my girlfriend who isnt very active, refuses to invest her time and effort in playing soccer with me everyday. Its unfair for her.

The difference is you don't play soccer for your girlfriend's pleasure.

 

Some one who puts time and effort into finding a great gift is doing it to make the person happy. Now maybe they also enjoy shopping or the act of picking out the perfect gift, but overall the goal is to make the other person happy and most people enjoy making their significant other happy.

 

Not everyone is going to be a fabulous gift giver, but if you know it is something that makes your significant other very happy you should make an effort to make them just as happy. It isn't like picking out a gift is physically painful or demeaning.

 

There are a lot of ways you can try to pick out something someone can love. You can ask them, you can ask their closest friend for ideas, you can check out one of the many gift guides in magazines and the internet, you can make the effort to remember (or write down if your memory is poor) things they've casually mentioned wanting.

[Madgick1]

The flowers are okay for a present, imo. She gave him no clue and played a coy game. Flowers can be expensive, and it's just a 4 month relationship.

 

However, giving his mother the same thing was thoughtless.

 

If getting spectacular presents is a way she feels loved, then she needs to find someone else. His talents clearly do not lie in this area.

[zengirl]

Yea but the problem is not everyone finds gift hunting fun!

 

I didn't always either. I don't like crowded malls. I hate driving around town. I find it fun because I know it makes other people happy. And if someone isn't someone who genuinely likes to make other people --- especially their SO and their family and friends --- happy, then I think that's a character flaw. I enjoy the whole process because I've seen it make people happy, and that makes me happy!

 

You will go out of your way climbing the highest mountain in order to get what you believe is the perfect gift because you actually enjoy the whole process. In itself its not a problem if you are happy enough with giving the gift to another person and thats it. Now the problem arises when you EXPECT the other person to return the favor and EXPECT him to invest equal effort because basically what you are doing is that you are forcing someone to indulge in something you enjoy doing.

 

I don't expect anyone to climb a mountain. My boyfriend ordered my gift online. He still thought about it enough to get me something that wasn't generic and was just for me. And he wrapped it nicely for me. All in all, this took maybe an hour, between buying it online and wrapping it. Maybe some additional time to think of the gift, sure, but that can be considered while doing other things. At any rate, he did a fantastic job, and I doubt it cramped his style as much as you're exaggerating. Gift-giving is not that hard.

 

Generic flowers. . . lame, as a Christmas gift, especially since he got the same for his Mom.

 

Its like I like to play soccer every single day and Im upset because my girlfriend who isnt very active, refuses to invest her time and effort in playing soccer with me everyday. Its unfair for her.

 

No, it's not like that at all. Christmas doesn't happen every single day. If there was just one day a year when you wanted a few hours of your girlfriend's time to go play soccer with you, I'd say you were being totally reasonable.

 

Not everyone is going to be a fabulous gift giver, but if you know it is something that makes your significant other very happy you should make an effort to make them just as happy. It isn't like picking out a gift is physically painful or demeaning.

 

There are a lot of ways you can try to pick out something someone can love. You can ask them, you can ask their closest friend for ideas, you can check out one of the many gift guides in magazines and the internet, you can make the effort to remember (or write down if your memory is poor) things they've casually mentioned wanting.

 

Precisely. More effort has been expended in this thread (from all sides) than it takes to pick out a damn good gift. Like I said, most girls will even appreciate a flop --- a gift they won't really use --- if it seems like the guy based it on something about them, something sentimental or playful or some thought.

[anne1707]

The flowers are okay for a present, imo. She gave him no clue and played a coy game. Flowers can be expensive, and it's just a 4 month relationship.

 

However, giving his mother the same thing was thoughtless.

 

If getting spectacular presents is a way she feels loved, then she needs to find someone else. His talents clearly do not lie in this area.

 

But she never said she wanted a "spectacular" present. She just wanted him to put a bit more thought into it to make it more personal (which is not the same as expensive). As you have stated, giving flowers to both mother and girlfriend was thoughtless.

[paleblue]

I dont know if its a big deal or not, but I can say I think it seems a little tasteless maybe?? And maybe a tab weird, just because it was the SAME exact thing as his mom's. But maybe he was just having a duh moment. Not everyone knows everything. You live and you learn. And he is probably learning as he goes too. I wouldnt bring it up. It would be rude to question his gift to you.

[Madgick1]

She just wanted him to put a bit more thought into it to make it more personal (which is not the same as expensive)..

 

But she didn't tell him that. She let him think it didn't much matter to her. It would have been better had she said, "I'd like you to think of something yourself and have it have some meaning."

 

But she didn't. She was unhappy he even asked and told him there was nothing she needed. She wanted him to guess and read her mind. That just doesn't work and it's not fair.

 

"...I didnt feel I needed to having to say it. He should have thought about something on his own. Anyway...I said there is nothing I need..."

[anne1707]

As I said in earlier posts, she may be a touch idealistic but to be honest at 4 months he should have some ideas of what to get her without prompts. At the end of the day, he should not have to be told to get her a present. He should want to get her a present.

[NoLongerSad]

Let me get this straight No Longer Sad

 

1) No one should expect a present, even if it a culturally expected day to receive gifts like Christmas or your birthday and you have previously exchanged gifts.

 

You're entitled to have whatever expectations you care to burden yourself with. Of course now we have some people saying they're not even Christians but yet they expect Christmas presents.

 

Why? I guess because it's a holiday and they expect to get gifted. Even if it's not even a holiday they recognize.

 

How about this? If you want to celebrate the gift-giving aspect of the holiday, then feel free to give whatever you choose. Expect nothing in return, and you won't be disappointed. Giving. Not getting.

 

 

2) People are never allowed to be unhappy with any gift ever.

 

You are allowed to be just as unhappy as you think you need to be.

 

 

3) Women are difficult, shallow, and stupid.

 

People who perceive of religious holidays as primarily an opportunity for other people to give gifts to them are often difficult, shallow and stupid. Some of those people might be women. How many men on this thread have complained about having received an inadequate Christmas gift, though?

 

4) Anyone who does not agree with you is both wrong and stupid.

 

Is that all?

 

You don't have to agree with me. I guess I'm just not as obsessed with receiving gifts as some others seem to be.

[NoLongerSad]

I'm definitely not Christian.

 

OK then the whole issue of Christmas gifts should be completely irrelevant for you.

 

 

Christmas is not solely a Christian holiday, and many agnostics celebrate aspects of it.

 

Christmas is most definitely a "Christian" holiday. Now it sounds like you're maneuvering to explain why you expect to be given gifts on Christmas when you're not even Christian.

 

 

 

 

I don't think I'm "entitled" to gifts, but if someone is going to buy me a gift, I want them to put thought into it. And yes, I expect my SO to buy me a gift if we're exchanging gifts. If we both agree not to exchange gifts, that's different -- again, that doesn't sound fun to me. I've done versions of Christmas with my friends/family where we make all the gifts or where we do good deeds and share about them instead of buying gifts. I don't care about trinkets. I care about the thought and celebration.

 

But you're not Christian. So it really doesn't matter what does or doesn't happen on Christmas. You don't need to even have Christmas if you just want to exchange gifts with someone. Go ahead and feel free to do that any day of the year. But the point you seem to be missing is that exchanging gifts on a holiday like Christmas, Christian or not, is about what you give, not about what you receive. If you want to buy him a gift, buy him one. If you don't, don't.

 

 

 

I'm entitled to believe that putting thought into a Christmas gift is an important way of showing that you care about someone.

 

Right. When you choose to give someone a gift, you're entitled to choose to be thoughtful about your decision of what to give.

 

 

Being an adult does not make me any less right in believing that or prioritizing it in my relationships with my friends, family, and significant other, and it has nothing to do with materialism or greed.

 

If you're not materialistic or greedy then whether or not someone gives you a particular gift should be completely irrelevant.

 

 

 

Money is really not important in showing thoughtfulness----as I said, people often use it as a cop out, rather than putting in the more important thing: TIME.

 

Once again, if you choose to give someone a gift, you should try to put some thought into it. That's entirely different from having any expectations as a recipient of a gift. The point you seem to be entirely missing is that you want to impose your personal standards for gift giving on other people. If you think your relationship is significantly dependent upon receiving a specific level of holiday gifts then hopefully you can find someone compatible with that idea. I would rate this issue about 500th on the priority list of what I look for in a partner.

 

 

 

 

The fact is, relationships (all kinds) are build on energy and time put into them. Celebrating occasions is one way --- a very important way for many people --- to demonstrate this. Why are you so against putting thought and energy into gift-giving?

 

I'm not. I'm simply pointing out that you're entitled to put as much thought and energy into giving gifts as you like, but that doesn't mean you have a reasonable expectation that your partner should do the same. Gifts are simply not that important in a relationship, in the great scheme of things.

 

 

And, I didn't say Christmas is just about "getting" stuff. For me, it's actually more about giving stuff.

 

Hopefully OP will get that message. It's about giving, not receiving.

 

 

I am hurt by a lack of effort in gifts because it shows priorities that don't mesh with my own.

 

Maybe your priorities need readjustment, then. Do you seriously believe getting that CD or sweater is so important?

 

 

Giving to people who are too lazy to be bothered to think of me the same way I thought of them. . . well, it isn't much fun. I don't care about the stuff. Or the money. I care about the energy invested. How do you not understand the difference?

 

When people say it's not about the money, it's about the money.

[MrNate]

Well excuse me for trying to be thoughtful!

 

Jeez.

[lino]

Fun times ahead for this guy and his prince$$

 

Christmas is a good time to really see exactly what type of girl you've got.

 

My girl impressed me a lot throughout the holiday season