My Boyfriend gave me flowers for Xmas!

[NoLongerSad]

As Mrs Wuggle then....

 

After over 15 years together, there is an element of struggling at times for what to buy each other. After all, we are in a position to go out and buy what we want when we want. In addition because of the time together, we have done all the more "standard" gift ideas such as watches, etc

 

In the first few years, my husband, i.e. Wuggle, had plenty of ideas of his own of what to give me and he certainly had no problem at all when we had only been together for one month when it was my birthday, let alone 4 months.

 

As it is, this Christmas, I did give my husband a few ideas (as requested by him) because he wanted so much to get me something I would love. But out of all the presents he got me, only one was as suggested by me. Everything else was of his own choice and all very much loved and appreciated. At the end of the day, he wanted to make an effort and surprise me because he cares about us.

 

Did I mind giving him some ideas? Not at all.

 

Did I mind that he did not get me everything I suggested? Not at all.

 

Should I "move on"? I have nothing to "move on" from. I am perfectly happy where I am thank you.

 

 

Your opinions about what Mr. Wuggle's opinion should be are appreciated, but I'm hopeful that Mr. Wuggle is able, and permitted, to speak for himself. Let's wait to hear back from him, shall we?

[zengirl]

There's nothing wrong with wanting jewelry, I think it's a perfectly fine gift, but it's unfair of her to blame her bf for not saying it when he asked.

 

When did she say she wanted jewelry? So, the OP isn't here---maybe she got busy, maybe he brought her something else and she forgot about this whole post, maybe something else happened. Is she required to mind this post for days on end just because she created it? Way to go jumping to assumptions.

 

People want to have it both ways a lot of the time. They want to get "stuff" yet they don't want to be perceived as wanting the "stuff." There's nothing wrong with wanting "stuff."

 

Or maybe people just want their SO's to THINK and show iniative and caring by being thoughtful and figuring out a gift on their own.

 

His gift wasn't just bad. . . it was lazy. That's the real issue. I've gotten some theoretically clunker gifts from SO's before. One SO got me a compass I never used, but it was really thoughtful because he got it specifically for my car because I was always getting lost. (This was long before navigation was common in cars.) A compass didn't help me from getting lost, and it was ugly as all get-out, but I really appreciated the thought he put into it. He made his own card. We were both very poor, and he probably paid all of $10.00 but he obviously took his time to THINK about me and get me what he could.

 

I don't believe she wanted a home made cake; I don't believe she wanted a vintage map; I don't believe she wanted an album set of her favorite band; I don't believe she wanted a non-allergenic sweater. All of these sorts of very "personal" items, if she wanted them, would have been mentioned in her OP.

 

I think she wanted him to think of something fantastic on his own! Nothing suggested she wanted jewelry.

 

I seriously do not understand why people think flowers are an inappropriate Christmas gift. To me, giving flowers to a woman is the same as telling her that you love her. I'm not really sure what more is required?

 

I think flowers are an appropriate gift. I think if he'd bought her favorite flowers, in a bouquet he specially picked out just for her, it'd be different. He bought her generic flowers. So generic that he bought them in bulk!

 

As far as giving a woman flowers being the same as saying ILY. . . that's pretty absurd and not generally what it means to all men and women. It's fine if YOU would only give flowers to someone you love, but not true of everyone. They're a very generic gift.

 

Things like flowers, wine, chocolate. . . these are things you can give to anyone. They're a decent gift for acquaintences, but for a SO, most people want to put in a little more effort.

[anne1707]

Your opinions about what Mr. Wuggle's opinion should be are appreciated, but I'm hopeful that Mr. Wuggle is able, and permitted, to speak for himself. Let's wait to hear back from him, shall we?

 

Errr.....

 

How about reading the post above mine

[USCGAviator]

OP started this party then left early...

[wuggle]

OP started this party then left early...

 

Can't blame them really

[Jannah]

OP, next year you give him a lump of coal, problem solved.

 

Geesh!

[zengirl]

Read the OP. The Op clearly made a comparison between her bf's gift of flowers, to the pricey birthday dinner and gift she'd bought for her bf. If money has nothing to do with it, then why didn't she say what extremely inexpensive sort of gift she would have found to be satisfactory?

 

Because she was venting and didn't say everything to cover every basis. What makes you think it was about money? She was pointing out what she had done for her boyfriend, and she maybe didn't want to go into a detailed description as to preserve anonymity.

 

Maybe she did want a pricey gift. Maybe she would have stomped on a homemade card and ripped it to a million pieces. But I see no reason to believe so. I don't know the OP, and I always assume people are basically okay until they prove otherwise. Apparently you need people to PROVE that they aren't crappy, or else you'll assume they are. Weird attitude.

 

The OP didn't say she would have been satisfied with an inexpensive gift, flowers or anything else. Where are you drawing that inference from?

 

I'm drawing it from how women generally think about these things and how she spoke about being upset with seeing his mom had the same flowers.

 

She didn't mention wanting an expensive gift either, but you seem adamant she wouldn't be happy without it.

 

 

If she hadn't wanted him to spend too much on her, she would have told him that when he asked her what sort of gift to buy her: "Oh buy me anything but don't spend a lot of money!" Evidently she didn't tell him not to spend a lot of money. On the contrary she spent a lot of money on him and his mom for his birthday and was obviously expectant of some reasonable level of reciprocation, but the problem is she didn't tell him that.

 

Setting aside money, I get what you're saying about her not telling him that she wanted something thoughtful (and I said as much initially). But the thing is, It's not as good if you have to tell someone! Maybe that's not fair, but men who want to make women in their lives happy learn that it's how it works anyway. And, honestly, most of the men I've known have realized that, yes, being surprised with something thoughtful is better than asking for it.

 

Again you are making the arbitrary assumption that flowers are somehow not a legitimate Christmas gift for a woman, or two women. Or that buying the same flowers for one's gf and one's mother is some sort of horrible breach of etiquette.

 

It IS a breach of ettiquette. Most women would agree it is, as would many men. Buying anyone an identical gift as your SO is generally considered a breach of ettiquette in most cases. Even if it were expensive!

 

As far as flowers. . . I actually said, in the right circumstances, it could be a thoughtful gift. Where are you getting that I said it was not a legitimate gift? I'm saying GENERIC flowers suck as a gift. I'm saying when you buy them for your Mom --- knowing your GF is going to see them there! --- and your GF, you are both lazy and a bit of a dope for doing so. He clearly didn't really think about what she would think. And it's not a difficult ettiquette to understand, really.

 

Since there is no legitimate basis for either assumption, what we are really talking about is that many women, when in a relationship with a "nice guy," believe that nothing he does is good enough, and have an overwhelming sense of entitlement.

 

No, that's what you're talking about, based on your very twisted inferences of what happened.

 

What we're really talking about is a guy who was a bit lazy and not the brightest crayon in the box, who bought his girlfriend a generic Christmas gift, after she felt she was really thoughtful to him on his birthday, and she feels like it may be an expression of his lack of caring and she feels frustrated by it, so she vented on an online forum. Maybe she's over it by now. Maybe she's not. Maybe he's really a careless jerk. Maybe he's just not the smoothest guy. We don't really know.

 

Why are flowers not an acceptable gift? You just said even a five or ten dollar bouquet is fine. Why is giving the same gift to a gf and one's mom unacceptable? If my wife gave me the same socket wrench set that she gave to her father for Christmas, why would I be offended by that? All she would be saying is that she holds us in equal esteem, she is not playing favorites, she is not holding her father above her husband, or vice versa (not that it's really an issue, we all get along fine).

 

If you're getting multiple gifts, like you might for a spouse, one duplicated gift might be fine. For instance, my step-father got my mother a Kindle after she bought me one and liked playing around with it. She was very surprised to see the second Kindle on Christmas! However, he got her a different case for it and pre-loaded it with books that were in her library queue with a long-wait, and also got her several other thoughtful, especially-for-her gifts, just as she did for him. The wrench might be fine if you both actually WANTED it and she got you additional things, to show her appreciation of you as a person.

 

I understand that many women at least on this thread seem to have these feelings but no one has explained where they are coming from other than a sense of entitlement.

 

We want to feel heard and listened to. We want people to be thoughtful in their gifts, treat us as individuals, and express their understanding of us as a person. We want to feel like something more than just a check-box on a long list of people they "have" to buy gifts for.

 

Of course I am assuming we are all adults, not children. As an adult, I can basically already buy any material object or gift that anyone would get me as a gift. I don't need gifts.

 

Exactly, so the whole point of the gift becomes how much time and thought was placed into it, not the item itself. Even more important to be thoughtful and creative!

 

...and this should be the end of the discussion. But of course it's not--you have to stick up for the OP because she's a woman with whom you identify. Even though the way you actually behave with respect to gift giving is rational, and is unlike the way OP behaved in this case.

 

The only thing I thought was not as I would do is saying, "Nothing," but I get why she did. I stuck up for her because I understand it. I don't act quite the same because I also have learned it's not the most effective way of behaving in the world. I also said that, initally, but I think you are taking the OP's post in an extremely twisted manner.

 

Of course. That's the whole point. Without giving him hints, you would have no reasonable expectation that he would be able to read your mind. You could hope, but you couldn't count on it. Yet not only the OP, but a number of men and women are arguing to the contrary.

 

Maybe he couldn't read her mind, but he could have put more effort into trying than he did. He might have flopped still, but he could have flopped fabulously and with style, instead of being lazy.

 

Remember she had stated her bf is perfect in every way except he got her flowers for Christmas. If this is the worst thing she has to complain about she has no complaints at all.

 

She's probably worried that his laziness -- buying her the same as his Mom, so he was lazy with both gifts! -- might translate in other ways. This may not be true, but it's a natural worry. She didn't say she had a fight with him about it, or that she wanted to break up with him, just that she felt some conflict and unhappiness, about it.

[NoLongerSad]

My basis, is the same as for most sensible people replying to this thread, my experience.

 

According to what your spouse initially posted on your behalf, you need her help to choose gifts for her. That being the case, it's unfair of you to criticize OP's bf for asking for OP's suggestions. Most "sensible" people do exactly that--they ask for hints about what their partner might want as a gift. So based on your own sensible experience, you're being unfair to OP's bf. He did exactly what you do in your own relationship. Therefore your criticism of him is illogical and unwarranted.

 

 

 

I have already stated that this often does not happen, so your embarressed attempt to try to imply that I have to agree with my wife just makes you look silly. Please keep in adult.

 

I'm not embarrassed by your situation at all. Why would I be?

 

 

 

 

I never stated that, neither did my wife, either from her own thoughts or repeating those comments I had made to her.

 

In her first post when she was speaking for you, she clearly stated that you needed her help/hints to purchase gifts. That's perfectly sensible, normal, and fine, and it's what the OP's bf tried to do, too.

 

 

 

I do however believe that most adults would be able to buy a present for their girlfriend, spouse etc etc much more appropriate than that which he did.

 

Flowers are a completely appropriate gift for a man to buy for his gf, for a birthday, Christmas, or any other occasion. That's why there are so many florists. The clientele is primarily heterosexual men buying flowers for their wives, moms, and gfs, for such occasions as birthdays, holidays, and valentine's day; as well as funeral wreaths.

 

If I am wrong about this, how does FTD and 1 800 flowers stay in business?

 

Maybe it's different in England, men don't buy their women flowers over where you live? Well they do in the U.S.

 

 

 

I am confident that I could go out now and buy 5 - 10 unique presents much nicer than a bunch of flowers for a girl I didn't even know, let alone someone I have known for 4 months.

 

Another completely irrational statement. How can you possibly buy a meaningful, "thoughtful" gift for womeone you "didn't even know"? You don't know their likes, their dislikes, or their preferences. At all. You can't do that for the woman you've been married to for fifteen years, and presumably know very well. Yet, you could do it for strangers?

 

 

I don't NEED my wife to tell me anything (again, I realise you are embarrased but please keep it adult and non-confrontational).

 

Apparently however she believes, and behaves, otherwise. You're saying one thing for the sake of argument--that you don't need a woman's hints, even your wife's, even a complete stranger's, to be able to buy them an appropriate gift or gifts--yet your actual behavior is the opposite.

 

 

After 15 years of marriage it does get harder to decide what to buy your spouse, not because you do not know what she likes but mostly because you have already bought her almost all the unique gifts she would have liked over the previous 15 years, If you add up all the presents I have bought her over that period, that is a lot of fine, well received gifts. This is NOT the case with the OP.

 

You are now clearly talking out of both sides of your mouth on this issue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please see above for my explanation, but to summarise for those who might need it , I don't think I know better than the OPs bf, my contention is that it is quite easy to buy good unique gifts earlier on in a relationship than many years into one.

 

Maybe your wife is just harder to please after fifteen years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have no problems with my wife repateing my comments or occasionally speaking for me, that seems healthy to me.

 

And you will continue to hold this viewpoint if you want to stay health, I'm quite sure.

 

 

I invited the PM route as I had a feeling (based on the fact that you tore into another poster who disagreed with you) that you would be quite agressive in your response and did not believe this to be helpful to the thread or OP.

 

 

It seems to me it's more likely that you wanted to PM with me because you might have wanted to say some things without your spouse knowing what they were. I could of course be mistaken about that.

 

 

 

Again, I realise you look stupid, but please try to keep this adult. I feel no need to justify my masculinity to you, that is not helpful. Please keep it civil.

 

I never challenged your masculinity. But I don't blame you for feeling as if someone else has.

[wuggle]

blah blah blah, etc

 

It is evident to me now that you are a silly little man and I am not wasting any more of my time 'discussing' this issue with you. Good night.

[NoLongerSad]

It is evident to me now that you are a silly little man and I am not wasting any more of my time 'discussing' this issue with you. Good night.

 

Now where did you get the idea that you could talk to men with such a degree of disrespect?

 

I wonder....but, it would be more reassuring if you didn't feel the impulsion to keep pinch hitting on your h's behalf.

[anne1707]

Now where did you get the idea that you could talk to men with such a degree of disrespect?

 

I wonder....but, it would be more reassuring if you didn't feel the impulsion to keep pinch hitting on your h's behalf.

 

Looks like someone can't keep up with the thread

 

Wuggle is Wuggle. I'm Mrs Wuggle.

[NoLongerSad]

Then why won't a simple "I Love You" work for all Christmas gifts everywhere

 

It certainly works in my family. At least among the adult members. Perhaps we are less mercenary than the general population though.

 

If, in your own family, you have a different experience, and your spouse has an unrealistic expectation of receiving material holiday gifts beyond what you are readily able or willing to provide her with, there are deeper issues that you need to address in your own relationship. I'm sorry but if that's your situation I don't think I have an answer for you right now.

 

In OP's case, there is a very simple answer--get a different boyfriend. Or, grow up.

 

 

I'd be upset if all my wife did Christmas morning was give me a kiss and say "Merry X-mas"..

I want socks dammit and some new shoes and a few new tools..

 

I can buy my own socks.

 

 

 

Have you given a woman flowers for Christmas NoLongerSad ?

 

Not that I recall.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What kind of people get something out of "interpreting" a post such as this OP as proof of the posters' atrocious character?

 

The posts of her haters say a lot more about these character assassins than they say about her.

 

Many sad, angry, insecure folks (on this thread, all men) who need to be "right" about stuff that has absolutely no bearing upon them; who need to try to drag other people into the negative false world where they live. WHY?

 

To the OP: Please don't think that these vulture-like posters represent all men and women here. Most of us agree that the flowers were not really a great Christmas gift and the fact that he gave his Mom the same ones made them a worse gift. Since you think a lot of your boyfriend, it looks like you'll need to be doing some pointed hinting for future gift-giving occasions. Best case scenario; you'll find a relaxed time when you can actually bring up your befuddlement with finding his Mom with the same bouquet - I hope, in a humorous way. I'm sure you can find a tactful, non threatening way to let him know that a gift showing that he thought about you personally and what you like would be meaningful to you. Since he cares about you, he'll be happy to do something special for you to please you, just like you would do for him.

 

Isn't that what great love relationships are based upon?

[NoLongerSad]

Looks like someone can't keep up with the thread

 

Wuggle is Wuggle. I'm Mrs Wuggle.

 

That's correct. That means you can speak for yourself, and he can speak for himself.

 

Right?

[anne1707]

That's correct. That means you can speak for yourself, and he can speak for himself.

 

Right?

 

Well you finally got something right. At last.

[NoLongerSad]

Well you finally got something right. At last.

 

LOL, do you actually think it's not obvious that you're the same person using two different accounts?

[anne1707]

LOL, do you actually think it's not obvious that you're the same person using two different accounts?

 

 

It's not me (or my husband) whose trolling.

[zengirl]

LOL, do you actually think it's not obvious that you're the same person using two different accounts?

 

And she's been doing it so long that they both have thousands of posts over a decent amount of time? Wow, good thing she established that in time to tell you about gifts in this thread!

[NoLongerSad]

And she's been doing it so long that they both have thousands of posts over a decent amount of time? Wow, good thing she established that in time to tell you about gifts in this thread!

 

I have no idea what Mrs. Wuggle has done in other threads. It seems pretty obvious that she has access to her husband's account. In fact they're probably using the same computer.

[anne1707]

I have no idea what Mrs. Wuggle has done in other threads. It seems pretty obvious that she has access to her husband's account. In fact they're probably using the same computer.

 

Wrong. I'm using the laptop he gave me for Christmas last year

[NoLongerSad]

What kind of people get something out of "interpreting" a post such as this OP as proof of the posters' atrocious character?

 

I believe you're the first person who's used the word, "atrocious." The OP attacked her bf for getting her flowers for Christmas. Look at the thread title. "MY BF got me FLOWERS FOR CHRISTMAS." How horrible.

 

Flowers are not a horrible Christmas present. They are not an unreasonable Christmas present. They are a totally appropriate Christmas present.

 

The posts of her haters say a lot more about these character assassins than they say about her.

 

No one hates the OP. A considerable number believe she is completely wrong, however. And we have explained why. OP's character has not been "assassinated" by anyone. It has been recognized and acknowledged for what it is. As some have said, a "princessy" attitude. Which is basically the same as selfish, entitled, spoiled.

 

I suspect I have a good inkling as to why some people on this thread are being so defensive on OP's behalf.

 

 

 

Many sad, angry, insecure folks (on this thread, all men) who need to be "right" about stuff that has absolutely no bearing upon them; who need to try to drag other people into the negative false world where they live. WHY?

 

Your use of language--incessant invective and name calling, rather than rational debate--is itself the language of anger and insecurity. You need to have enemies, not just recognize legitimate differences of opinion.

 

If you don't think flowers are a good Christmas present, say so. Also explain why you think a woman who doesn't give her bf hints about what kind of gift she wants, has a right to make any complaint at all. But you really need to stop your incessant name calling, which is a pattern in pretty much every single one of the threads in which I've seen you post.

 

To the OP: Please don't think that these vulture-like posters represent all men and women here. Most of us agree that the flowers were not really a great Christmas gift and the fact that he gave his Mom the same ones made them a worse gift.

 

I disagree. There's nothing wrong with flowers for Christmas, nor has ANYONE explained why flowers are a "bad" present, nor has ANYONE explained why OP should get a "better" present than her bf's mother received. Other than pure greed, selfishness, and being spoiled, of course.

 

 

Since you think a lot of your boyfriend, it looks like you'll need to be doing some pointed hinting for future gift-giving occasions.

 

The problem with this obviously simple idea is that the OP never told us what she actually wanted, so we have really no idea that what she really wanted would have been any more appropriate than the flowers that she actually got.

 

The entire thread has been a bunch of people saying that the flowers were somehow a bad gift, meanwhile overlooking the fact that they have no clue what would have been a better gift.

 

 

Best case scenario; you'll find a relaxed time when you can actually bring up your befuddlement with finding his Mom with the same bouquet - I hope, in a humorous way. I'm sure you can find a tactful, non threatening way to let him know that a gift showing that he thought about you personally and what you like would be meaningful to you. Since he cares about you, he'll be happy to do something special for you to please you, just like you would do for him.

 

The problem isn't OP's bf at all. This thread isn't about what OP's bf bought her as a gift, although a lot of people are trying to make it about that. It's really about why OP (and evidently a lot of other people) think she has any right to anything more than the flowers that she actually got. She doesn't. She does have the right to accept or reject that gift. But she doesn't have any right to choose what gift someone else decides is appropriate for her, especially when she was given the opportunity to do so, and failed to communicate whatever her expectations were.

 

Isn't that what great love relationships are based upon?

 

Yes, many people believe their relationships are all about the jingle jangle that they receive, and I'm very clear on why a lot of people seem to feel that way.

 

Thank you for the clarification.

[zengirl]

There's nothing wrong with flowers for Christmas, nor has ANYONE explained why flowers are a "bad" present, nor has ANYONE explained why OP should get a "better" present than her bf's mother received.

 

For the record, I think he was also lazy and horrible with his mother's gift, and that was perhaps an even greater crime, given he's known his mother longer than his 4-month GF.

 

The problem isn't OP's bf at all. This thread isn't about what OP's bf bought her as a gift, although a lot of people are trying to make it about that. It's really about why OP (and evidently a lot of other people) think she has any right to anything more than the flowers that she actually got. She doesn't. She does have the right to accept or reject that gift. But she doesn't have any right to choose what gift someone else decides is appropriate for her, especially when she was given the opportunity to do so, and failed to communicate whatever her expectations were.

 

This thread IS about what he bought her. That's what she wrote about. That's even what the title references!

 

YOU are trying to make it about her character, for some reason. Why are you acting like others are changing the nature of the thread, when, really, speaking about the gift is definitely not changing it. That's like if a witness gets on the stand---it is about the witness's testimony, what they are saying. Now, some lawyers will make it about the witness's character (essentially the tact you're attempting) instead of the facts. This can be partially useful, in some cases, but it is still not the MAIN point. And it's bizarre that you're acting like others are the ones missing the main point or topic. . .

Edited December 29, 2010 by zengirl

[musemaj11]

Inspired by Zengirl's response, I have to ask everyone, which is more important? Christmas gift or Birthday gift?

 

For me, Christmas is something communal and people generally buy generic gifts for everyone. I dont expect to be wowed by a Christmas gift. I merely want something that I can use like a pair of new sandals or a nice towel. I dont give a damn about vain symbolism crap that women care so much about. As long as its usable, its enough for me.

 

But Birthday is more personal and intimate. Its only for one person. I would expect to get a gift from a significant other that wows me.

Edited December 30, 2010 by musemaj11

[zengirl]

Inspired by Zengirl's response, I have to ask everyone, which is more important? Christmas gift or Birthday gift?

 

For me, Christmas is something communal and people generally buy generic gifts for everyone. I dont expect to be wowed by a Christmas gift. I merely want something that I can use like a pair of new sandals or a nice towel. I dont give a damn about vain symbolism crap that women care so much about. As long as its usable, its enough for me.

 

But Birthday is more personal and intimate. Its only for one person. I would expect to get a gift from a significant other that wows me.

 

I don't know why it's vanity (literally, it seems like a misuse of the word) to want someone to recognize your importance in their life by putting some thought into the gift chosen.

[Els]

What is your basis for judging what is and is not an appropriate gift in someone else's relationship?

 

Precisely. What is YOUR basis for judging that the flowers to mom and gf were an appropriate gift in someone else's relationship?