My Boyfriend gave me flowers for Xmas!

[Art_Critic]

A memorable Christmas after dating for 4 months? Come on dude its not that big of a deal. Lets not forget that 4 months is not a long time unless your in the fast lane.....

 

Try reading the whole post and realize how long they have been together. Time invested plays a huge roll in what gifts you receive.

 

I was engaged to my wife after 6 months of dating.. maybe even less...

Maybe I should have just given her flowers for her Christmas with me

[USCGAviator]

I was engaged to my wife after 6 months of dating.. maybe even less...

Maybe I should have just given her flowers for her Christmas with me

 

 

Like I said......unless your in the fast lane

[zengirl]

Four months seems reasonably long to me. My boyfriend and I are only about six months in and already talking about all the serious stuff---I wouldn't go more than a year with someone I didn't expect to marry, personally. But age and life stage factors into this.

 

I get the issue---the same flowers as his Mom! A bit weird. However, you gave him no ideas, so I'm not sure it's all his fault.

 

As far as the gift you got him in the past: Score-keeping sucks the life out of so many relationships. If everything is generally good, don't start keeping score like this. It won't do any good.

[Stung]

I'm rather surprised that nobody you know gives their SO's a list of gift ideas for themselves; I can tell you that very nearly every woman I know who is in a LTR/marriage does. Perhaps it's a local culture thing, or perhaps you are rather young? Exceptions abound, sure-- including my awesome father who has phenomenal taste in jewelry--but in my experience men tend to be pretty crap at the art of gift-giving; it's a stereotype for a reason. Many men know this about themselves and do the reasonable thing: ask for help. Denied this help, they fall back on something they figure is at least pretty and inoffensive: flowers.

 

Myself, I wouldn't be thrilled with flowers for Christmas, either. I prefer something more tangible, a memento of the occasion, something that might take a little research or legwork at least. I put a lot of thought and effort into gifting and like a little glimmer of that reflected back at me--but I keep in mind that it comes more naturally to me than it does to my husband (or than it did to any of my past boyfriends, ever). Of course when my husband manages to come up with a thoughtful winning gift on his own using his knowledge of me and what I like and need, that's the shiny A plus, the gold standard--but when he's thoughtful enough to understand that he's out of ideas and doesn't share my tastes and he asks me for pointers so he can ensure that I'm a happy camper and not disappointed, that's a solid B, plus for effort.

 

He's not a natural at gift-giving and you are. It really is a skill, you know. Learn a little give-and-take here, cut him a little slack, and next time, when he asks you for help, just give it to him. He WAS trying, there.

[Stung]

I get the issue---the same flowers as his Mom! A bit weird. However, you gave him no ideas, so I'm not sure it's all his fault.

 

Yep, I get that issue too. And if he hadn't tried to do anything else, hadn't asked for pointers, and just defaulted to mom-flowers I'd have a raised eyebrow, too. But, meh. I agree, he did ask for help, I don't see a lot of fault lying with him here.

 

I wouldn't get my mom flowers for Christmas, that's not part of my family tradition. Flowers for Christmas seem a bit odd, in general. Apparently it is part of his family tradition, however. Honestly, I just don't know many men who would spend a lot of time agonizing over different floral arrangements, trying to tailor them to individual tastes. If he saw one arrangement he liked and thought was impressive and beautiful, and had no ideas on what other kinds of things to get, why not just get two? It's practical.

 

Perhaps the real issue is he's more practical, and she's more sentimental. This is an issue that commonly crops up in relationships, the misunderstanding between these basic approaches to life. It's just amplified when it crops up around Christmas, traditionally an emotionally-layered holiday for many.

[Art_Critic]

Myself, I wouldn't be thrilled with flowers for Christmas, either. I prefer something more tangible, a memento of the occasion, something that might take a little research or legwork at least. I put a lot of thought and effort into gifting and like a little glimmer of that reflected back at me-

 

That is how I like to give gifts as well...

 

Maybe what the OP is worried about is that he obviously didn't try to find a gift that fit her personality and just did the default standby of flowers and he also did the same to his Mom.

 

He either isn't in tune with her and doesn't care to give a gift like that.

Maybe he feels giving a gift that is personal and means a lot is more than he feels he is committed in the relationship.

 

To me time dating isn't a factor unless they just started dating it seems there might be more of a commit factor in his purchase.

 

I've bought women I just started dating flowers for no reason.. that is all part of the courting/dating process so flowers to me for a Christmas gift would have been like him filling her car up with gas.. meaningless...

[zengirl]

Yep, I get that issue too. And if he hadn't tried to do anything else, hadn't asked for pointers, and just defaulted to mom-flowers I'd have a raised eyebrow, too. But, meh. I agree, he did ask for help, I don't see a lot of fault lying with him here.

 

I wouldn't get my mom flowers for Christmas, that's not part of my family tradition. Flowers for Christmas seem a bit odd, in general. Apparently it is part of his family tradition, however. Honestly, I just don't know many men who would spend a lot of time agonizing over different floral arrangements, trying to tailor them to individual tastes. If he saw one arrangement he liked and thought was impressive and beautiful, and had no ideas on what other kinds of things to get, why not just get two? It's practical.

 

Perhaps the real issue is he's more practical, and she's more sentimental. This is an issue that commonly crops up in relationships, the misunderstanding between these basic approaches to life. It's just amplified when it crops up around Christmas, traditionally an emotionally-layered holiday for many.

 

I still think it's a bit strange to get the exact same one for both when you knew she'd be going over to Mom's. Most men I know are better than that---that's not a high bar. Nothing to get worked up over, though. Maybe fault is the wrong word, but it belies a "flaw" in him, albeit a generally meaningless one (or would be to me, personally). Just buy the two most popular bouquets, so long as they're different. To me, i's not practical to just buy two when you know one will see the other's gift. It makes him sound not so bright.

[Els]

Meh, not very nice of him but it isn't that big a deal IMO. Just accept it as a shortcoming on one account and enjoy the rest of the R, unless more occasions of thoughtlessness show themselves. People need to stop sweating the small stuff. You don't need to pretend to be all excited about a gift you don't like, but don't make him feel bad for it either.

[Feelin Frisky]

I still think it's a bit strange to get the exact same one for both when you knew she'd be going over to Mom's. Most men I know are better than that---that's not a high bar. Nothing to get worked up over, though. Maybe fault is the wrong word, but it belies a "flaw" in him, albeit a generally meaningless one (or would be to me, personally). Just buy the two most popular bouquets, so long as they're different. To me, i's not practical to just buy two when you know one will see the other's gift. It makes him sound not so bright.

 

 

Wait 'till she learns that it was buy one get one free.

[Art_Critic]

Wait 'till she learns that it was buy one get one free.

 

 

..... nice one

[TheWatcher]

I still think it's a bit strange to get the exact same one for both when you knew she'd be going over to Mom's. Most men I know are better than that---that's not a high bar.

 

Have to agree with you there,zengirl.I think that some women place a high value on the gifts that they receive from their SO's.It is seen as a barometer of some sorts...as to how the relationship is going/ progressing.

 

Even I,with my very very limited experience with women would know not to take "Oh..you don't have to get me anything.." literally.It is something that is said out of the fear of not appearing demanding or materialistic.

 

Some demand and expect the moon & the stars from the heavens above on a silver platter;and if it is not provided the offender partner will be punished.

 

Generally, I don't find that men place as much importance on the gifts they receive as some women seem to.

[LondonS]

May be its just me but I would have been totally happy with the flowers as I buy too many things myself and have a very expensive taste so as a gift, a simple gesture would have been enough for me at this point in a new relationship.

[zengirl]

Wait 'till she learns that it was buy one get one free.

 

It'd actually be better if they were. At least then, a reason to buy the same for both!

[Stung]

Have to agree with you there,zengirl.I think that some women place a high value on the gifts that they receive from their SO's.It is seen as a barometer of some sorts...as to how the relationship is going/ progressing.

 

Even I,with my very very limited experience with women would know not to take "Oh..you don't have to get me anything.." literally.It is something that is said out of the fear of not appearing demanding or materialistic.

 

Some demand and expect the moon & the stars from the heavens above on a silver platter;and if it is not provided the offender partner will be punished.

 

Generally, I don't find that men place as much importance on the gifts they receive as some women seem to.

 

But he didn't take it literally. He got her flowers, presumably a nice arrangement.

 

I agree that women often attach more symbolic importance to gifting than men do. I tend to symbolic thinking in this regard, myself. It would probably behoove this guy to be a little more proactive about Christmases, and learn to read between the lines a little bit. It would also behoove the OP to be a little more understanding, and proactive about communicating her actual desires and expectations in a relationship.

 

Sometimes, perhaps due to a tendency to symbolic thinking in relationships, women put an overly hard focus on their romantic partners. I know I am guilty of it at times. OP, if you had met a new female friend four months ago, you liked her a lot and had been spending a lot of time with her and thought you might have found a new best friend--if you got a somewhat disappointing present from this friend, for whatever reason, would you A. accept her shortcoming and cut her some slack or B. be so disturbed and offended that you would call your whole friendship into question and start doubting your friend's motives and character? The B reaction would seem a little over the top, wouldn't it?

 

I expect a lot from my husband, but I try not keep the standards I set for him realistic to him, his fallible human self, not a fairytale version of him.

[joeLove]

We have become such a materialistic society, we measure everything by the things people buy us? Holidays is to spend time together. To me, that's the most important thing.

 

I don't expect anything from anyone and I don't make any material gifts to anymore either. I call people and talk to them or I spend quality time with them.

[NoLongerSad]

I like the flowers. They are nice but my issue is that he did not bother thinking about anything for me. I am hurt that he would not bother. It's not the gift but the lack of effort and thought. I am worried that this may dictate the lack of effort in the future since he is doing this so early in our relationship. I dont know what to do. Let it go or address it with him. I am not even sure what to tell him. This is apparently who he is and I am not interested in changing him but....I am hurt and very disapointed.

Tell him how you really feel ("you didn't spend enough money on my gift") so he can get rid of you quickly rather than waste any more time in a relationship with you. You sound like the type of woman who is prone to carry imaginary resentments like this into a developing relationship so you never have to commit, and can use them as an excuse for bad behavior down the road when you feel you have found a better option and need a face-saving exit strategy. Edited December 29, 2010 by NoLongerSad

[musemaj11]

For 4 months now, I have been seeing this wonderful, sensitive, caring and loving guy. He has everything I look for. He is a good at communication and speaks his mond. He is a little bit of a free spirit and very candid person.

 

He asked me what I wanted for Xmas. I dont know anyone who would actually list items they want. I didnt feel I needed to having to say it. He should have thought about something on his own. Anyway...I said there is nothing I need.

 

On the 24th afternoon, he showed up at my place with a large bouquet of flowers. When I went to his mother's house later in the evening, I noticed he had gotten her the exact same bouquet.

 

He never offered me anything else. On his birthday, 2 weeks before, I got him a very nice and thoughtful gift and took him and his mother to a very nice dinner in a pricey restaurant.

 

I like the flowers. They are nice but my issue is that he did not bother thinking about anything for me. I am hurt that he would not bother. It's not the gift but the lack of effort and thought. I am worried that this may dictate the lack of effort in the future since he is doing this so early in our relationship. I dont know what to do. Let it go or address it with him. I am not even sure what to tell him. This is apparently who he is and I am not interested in changing him but....I am hurt and very disapointed.

 

Anyone with thoughts and comments, I appreciate it.

What a princess.

 

Yea of course Christmas is equal to a BIRTHDAY!

 

Are you sh*tting me? He asked you what you wanted. You should have said you wanted a BMW or something.

 

If he brings you flowers for your birthday then we have a case.

 

The guy should drop you if he knows whats good for him.

 

Have to agree with you there,zengirl.I think that some women place a high value on the gifts that they receive from their SO's.It is seen as a barometer of some sorts...as to how the relationship is going/ progressing.

No, its because even today, in the back of their minds, women still see how much a man is willing to spend money on them as a barometer of how much they value them.

Edited December 29, 2010 by musemaj11

[Pfiend101]

What did you buy him for XMAS?

[Surrealist]

Massive red flag, quick LAUNCH the guy! Now! Before its too late!

[Allisha]

You created this situation yourself. To expect your boyfriend to be a mind reader is rather princess-y behavior. Be grateful that he gave you something despite you saying that there was nothing you needed. That's what you said to him, he took it to heart. That you can place blame on him for it doesn't reflect too well on you.

 

This.

 

You only have yourself to blame for this.

[that girl]

Tell him how you really feel ("you didn't spend enough money on my gift") so he can get rid of you quickly rather than waste any more time in a relationship with you

The OP did not express any issues about how much he spent, you're making assumptions.

 

She's upset because she got the same gift as his mother and I assume because he gave her something kind of generic that cannot be saved.

 

The problem was he wasn't thoughtful.

 

No, its because even today, in the back of their minds, women still see how much a man is willing to spend money on them as a barometer of how much they value them.

Really, they don't. While I have met a few women like this, almost every woman I know wants a guy who will come up with something thoughtful. Buying her those earrings she once admired in a shop window, hunting down a first edition of her favorite book, remembering how she loved the day at the spa with her girlfriends and buying her a gift certificate.

 

These kinds of gifts don't necessarily cost much but they show thoughtfulness and that she is on his mind. Frankly, buying the latest Fendi bag is easier, but the kind of woman who would melt if you bought her an LP of Back in the USSR because she collects vinyl and the song is an inside joke is likely putting a lot of effort into your gift.

 

If you go around thinking women are just after $$$$$, it won't matter if you meet the perfect girl because you'll screw it up.

 

I don't think this is a red flag, but the OP needs to stop expecting this guy to read her mind.

 

The OP could have said, "I would love to be surprised with something personal." That would have been vague (an open to disappointed) but he would have known she wanted something not generic. The OP also could have said, "I'd love a pair of earrings" or something else semi specific.

 

He's not a great present giver, doesn't mean he is a bad guy.

[Els]

Tell him how you really feel ("you didn't spend enough money on my gift") so he can get rid of you quickly rather than waste any more time in a relationship with you. You sound like the type of woman who is prone to carry imaginary resentments like this into a developing relationship so you never have to commit, and can use them as an excuse for bad behavior down the road when you feel you have found a better option and need a face-saving exit strategy.

 

I am sure that the OP would have preferred a handmade card to the bouquet that was the same as his mother's. Bouquets are nowhere NEAR cheap (unless of course FF's idea was true.. ).

 

I hope someday you post about your woman getting you a tie that you see her brother wearing the very next day, so I can quote your post back to you.

[musemaj11]

I hope someday you post about your woman getting you a tie that you see her brother wearing the very next day, so I can quote your post back to you.

If my girlfriend gave me the same gift that she gave to her FATHER, then I would be very flattered. I come from a family-oriented culture that put parents on a pedestal.

 

Complaining about getting the same gift as the bf's mother speaks volume about someone character. She is probably gonna be the kinda woman who will be at odds all the time with her mother in law.

[Els]

You are strange. I don't know a single person, male or female, who would be thrilled by receiving the exact same copy of a gift that their SO gave a family member. Most would probably just go "Huh?! Ah, well..." and get on with their R, but noone would be flattered.

 

FWIW, I agree that it isn't a huge deal. But I don't see anything wrong with her voicing her disappointment here.

Edited December 29, 2010 by Elswyth

[NoLongerSad]

The OP did not express any issues about how much he spent, you're making assumptions.

 

She most certainly did express that concern. Reread her post. Her counterexample was the "pricey" birthday dinner she took him to. She said the flowers were "nice" so what is the problem? (She didn't ask for an alternative gift, did she, when he asked her to make a suggestion?) It's that he didn't spend enough money on her for Christmas, he got the same gift as his mother, he didn't value his gf (who he's known all of four months) more highly than his mother (who gave birth to him).

 

Amazingly, she should take it as huge flattery that he got her the same gift as his mother (equivalent level of emotional status being indicated). But she doesn't because with women like OP nothing is good enough. She said it herself: the guy is perfect in every way...except he got her the wrong gift for Christmas.

 

There was nothing wrong with it. He just didn't spend enough to suit her. He spent exactly the same on her as he did on his mom and by definition, since he didn't place her on the highest pedestal (after four months), simply on an equivalent pedestal to his own mother, well gee that's just not good enough.

 

So, what exactly did she want? I didn't notice where she said what she actually wanted in her post. Flowers probably cost around $30-50 (typical 1 800 flowers bouquet) which is a perfectly appropriate amount to spend on a xmas gift for a gf of four months, who hasn't asked for anything different.

 

What's he supposed to get her? Something sexy from Victoria's Secret? Could be deemed inappropriate for xmas gift, who knows? Bling? (That's actually probably what she did want.)

 

Something practical, like a gift card to Walgreen's? We all know that wouldn't be good enough.

 

So what did she want, anyway? What was she looking for?

 

The only thing I can think of is bling.

 

 

 

She's upset because she got the same gift as his mother and I assume because he gave her something kind of generic that cannot be saved.

 

Every woman I've ever known has loved getting flowers as a gift. Why would she dislike the fact that he got his mom the same gift? Why does she think she deserves a better/more special gift than his mother? Objectively, she doesn't. But, we're all speculating because she hasn't indicated what would have actually satisfied her, and if so, why she didn't simply tell him when he asked.

 

The problem was he wasn't thoughtful.

 

I see--now you not only expect the guy to read his gf's mind as to what gift she wants; you also claim to be able to read his mind, long distance, over the internet, as to how much thought he put into it.

 

No, he was perfectly thoughtful, the problem is countless women with unrealistic standards of what they feel entitled to out of life, from other people, and out of relationships. The reason that OP is complaining here rather than to her bf, is because she can't complain to him, she has no valid basis for complaint. He was totally thoughtful; he asked her what she wanted. She was thoughtless by not giving him two or three suggestions, then turning around and blaming him for acting as he thought appropriate. Getting her exactly the same gift as he got his mother is completely thoughtful. You, and OP, do NOT understand how men think about these things. If the OP would simply get her head out of her own self for one minute, she would have immediately understood the significance of him getting her exactly the same gift as his mother. Remember: this is a completely nice guy, perfect in every way, according to OP, except for this one thing. When a nice guy like that gets the same flowers for his gf as his mother, it means he wants to get extremely serious with the gf. He is equating the gf to his mother in terms of the emotional importance of the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

Really, they don't. While I have met a few women like this, almost every woman I know wants a guy who will come up with something thoughtful. Buying her those earrings she once admired in a shop window, hunting down a first edition of her favorite book, remembering how she loved the day at the spa with her girlfriends and buying her a gift certificate.

 

The OP's bf asked her what she wanted. She declined to state a preference. The reason you're wildly guessing at what OP might like is because even she doesn't know. If she knew, she would have told him. She just knows that she thinks she deserves the highest pedestal in her bf's life, and is miffed that he equated her with his mother.

 

 

These kinds of gifts don't necessarily cost much but they show thoughtfulness and that she is on his mind. Frankly, buying the latest Fendi bag is easier, but the kind of woman who would melt if you bought her an LP of Back in the USSR because she collects vinyl and the song is an inside joke is likely putting a lot of effort into your gift.

 

LOL you're all over the place, aren't you?

 

Why not simply ask OP what it is she wanted, and why didn't she tell her bf when he asked for suggestions?

 

 

 

If you go around thinking women are just after $$$$$, it won't matter if you meet the perfect girl because you'll screw it up.

 

No one made any statements about what women in general are after. However it's pretty obvious in this particular case. The ONLY type of gift someone couldn't hint at would be "I don't care what you get me as long as it's expensive." That's why she didn't give him a hint. She didn't want to ask him for expensive jewelry or something of that nature. She didn't want to be perceived as greedy. If she wanted a Fendi bag she would have told him. She would have said that in her OP. The same thing with your other several ideas. You're guessing at it exactly for the same reason her bf guessed--he's not a mind reader, neither are you. The fact is you have no idea what OP wants. She hasn't said.

 

You know what flowers are? Flowers are a nice, safe, tasteful, thoughtful but generic gift for a woman when the woman has failed to provide any legitimate clue as to what she might actually want. The only other thing I can think of would be a gift certificate to a department store, or maybe for a spa. Or bling.

 

I don't think this is a red flag, but the OP needs to stop expecting this guy to read her mind.

 

The only red flag is from OP to herself. She really really needs to think about why she is looking for reasons to bail from this relationship. I don't think it's a coincidence that it's at the four month point, because that's a point by which the newness and excitement of any new relationship is starting to fade.

 

This is a good guy, he got her a perfectly acceptable gift for xmas, but she needs to start manufacturing reasons for drama/dispute/conflict in the relationship. This is just the beginning glimmer of an exit strategy.

 

She will not tell her bf about this because she can't, it's a ridiculous ungrateful complaint for her to make. Because if she does, he will say: "I got you what I got for my mom. Why is that not good enough for you? My mom is the most important woman in the world to me. I asked you what you wanted and you didn't tell me. I didn't want to make a mistake and get the wrong thing. I'm a nice guy. Nice guys are taught that giving flowers to a girl is a way to show that you really love them. You're telling me that you don't like flowers, they don't mean 'love' to you?" Even trying to bring this up, at all, will seriously sabotage this relationship. He won't understand because there's nothing TO understand, other than that for some reason she is impossible to satisfy. If truly a nice guy he will bend over backwards in the coming months to try to please her in every way, which she will view as weak and unsatisfactory and boring, and at some point when a better (read: new, more exciting, bad boy who DOES NOT get his mom OR his gf flowers, treats her like dirt, but revs up her sexual motor) option comes along she will dump him.

 

 

 

The OP could have said, "I would love to be surprised with something personal."

 

Flowers are personal. Every guy is taught from an early age that giving flowers to a woman is a tangible sign that you love her. I guess that tradition is now over with? Nice guys are also taught that you don't try to "buy" a woman's love with expensive gifts. Also over?

 

That would have been vague (an open to disappointed) but he would have known she wanted something not generic. The OP also could have said, "I'd love a pair of earrings" or something else semi specific.

 

She didn't say earrings. She didn't say anything. Do you seriously think she would have been satisfied with a pair of $15 earrings from Macy's?

 

 

He's not a great present giver, doesn't mean he is a bad guy.

 

He's a perfectly adequate present giver.

 

The problem is OP has no clue about accepting gifts graciously, and apparently, she is not alone.