RealGee Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 For 4 months now, I have been seeing this wonderful, sensitive, caring and loving guy. He has everything I look for. He is a good at communication and speaks his mond. He is a little bit of a free spirit and very candid person. He asked me what I wanted for Xmas. I dont know anyone who would actually list items they want. I didnt feel I needed to having to say it. He should have thought about something on his own. Anyway...I said there is nothing I need. On the 24th afternoon, he showed up at my place with a large bouquet of flowers. When I went to his mother's house later in the evening, I noticed he had gotten her the exact same bouquet. He never offered me anything else. On his birthday, 2 weeks before, I got him a very nice and thoughtful gift and took him and his mother to a very nice dinner in a pricey restaurant. I like the flowers. They are nice but my issue is that he did not bother thinking about anything for me. I am hurt that he would not bother. It's not the gift but the lack of effort and thought. I am worried that this may dictate the lack of effort in the future since he is doing this so early in our relationship. I dont know what to do. Let it go or address it with him. I am not even sure what to tell him. This is apparently who he is and I am not interested in changing him but....I am hurt and very disapointed. Anyone with thoughts and comments, I appreciate it.
WTRanger Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 So you told him there is nothing you need, gave him no ideas, then are pissed at the lack of effort? After he had ASKED for ideas? If I were him, I would have got you nothing since you asked for nothing. This is the same crap as, "Oh you don't need to do anything for me on Valentines Day." Then, on Feb 15th you yell, "Why didn't you do anything for me!"
LondonS Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I dont see a problem here.. I'd be very happy with flowers. why do us women have to make issue out of everything?
tigressA Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 You created this situation yourself. To expect your boyfriend to be a mind reader is rather princess-y behavior. Be grateful that he gave you something despite you saying that there was nothing you needed. That's what you said to him, he took it to heart. That you can place blame on him for it doesn't reflect too well on you.
denise_xo Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I basically agree with the posters above. If your relationship is otherwise happy and healthy, I say just go and enjoy it rather than making this into an issue.
sally4sara Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Gift buying can be stressful when you're still getting to know someone. Thank you Amazon wishlist! He might not know you well enough to know what else to get you. Don't expect a mind reader. Don't stay silent about this either; let him know what kind of things you like to receive for Bday or xmas. He got his mother what he thought she would like and figured it might be good enough for you too. Tell him its not if it isn't. And comparing what you CHOOSE to do as an act of kindness to what someone does in reciprocity will always result in you being disappointed. Whether he got you flowers, jewelry, that awesome (whatever) you've always wanted or nothing at all, buying him a gift and taking him and his ma out to dinner should have been done as an act of kindness - not so he'd get you something of equal or better value.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I don't fault you. You were being modest by not saying what it is you want. Your point about giving his mother the same bouquet is very valid. He just seemed to want to "phone in" Christmas and buy you and her off with some frilly flowers. Christmas is a lot of buying people off with $20 gifts...but you don't buy off your love like she's a pesky niece. Sorry you had to experience this--it is telling.
hopesndreams Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 When I went to his mother's house later in the evening, I noticed he had gotten her the exact same bouquet. Lol. Had to laugh, sorry. I see nothing wrong with getting flowers BUT the same bouquet as his mummy's? Yeah, I can see why you're hurt. I am worried that this may dictate the lack of effort in the future since he is doing this so early in our relationship. Share your thoughts and feelings with him so this sort of thing won't happen again. Like others have said, he is not a mind reader.
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Maybe he sees you more like you are his Mom .. I can't believe nobody even saw that one... There are 2 sides to this one.. on one side complaining about a gift is as telling as much as the gift being really a non gift of a no effort gift. It sounds like he just sat at his computer and pumped out your gift in 2 mins while he was doing his mothers and maybe never thought you would see her set of flowers. IMO it sounds like he has paralleled you with his mother instead of being your lover. This may just be him being a dumb ass or it may be more like he sees you as his mom. Either way.. if you complain about the gift to him it will be rude.. Do you get along with his mom ? maybe ask her about it
USCGAviator Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 He gave you flowers.....whats the problem again??
january2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Given that you wrote this: I have been seeing this wonderful, sensitive, caring and loving guy. He has everything I look for. He is a good at communication and speaks his mond. He is a little bit of a free spirit and very candid person. I don't see his behaviour as a big red flag. Perhaps not cool (in terms of getting you the same gift as his mum) but not a major issue at this stage. I suggest letting this one go because broaching your dissatisfaction is only going to lead to confusion and make you look like an ungrateful brat. Next time he asks you a similar question, to ensure that you're happy with the outcome, I suggest being honest rather than coy.
refurb Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Lesson learned. This guy is obviously not a big gift person. I can understand your disappointment, but it's not a red flag. If he's a great guy in other aspects, I would keep it going. Next time it's your b-day or v-day? Offer up some suggestions. See what he does. RF
Jannah Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 As long as he doesn't shop for both of you at Victorias Secret, cause that would just be, weird.
USCGAviator Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Let me bring a few things to light 1. Dating for 4 months what more do u want? 2. Its not like he got his ex gf the same bouquet of flowers. 3. Guys are problem solvers!! He probably saw a great online deal for buy1 get 1 free. With the extra flower bouquet he though he would give it to his mother and knock out 2 gifts with one stone. Its simple guy logic and we all do it. So don't get all stink face cause you didn't get a unicorn for xmas.
Enchanted Girl Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I agree with the mind reader comments. Anything that is important to you in a relationship you must communicate to the other person or you can't expect to get it. And be happy that you got something as good as he gave his Mom. My boyfriend gave me a twenty dollar gift and that was okay to me until I saw that he spent five hundred dollars on his mother for Christmas. Then I felt sort of pissed, but I decided not to confront him about it anyway and that it was okay as long as he doesn't start always putting her before me.
renogirl4 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I will agree with you on one thing. Giving the same gift as mommy is thoughtless. But be grateful you got something. I think people put soooooo much emphasis on everything. To say that this dictates the future is beyond me. You stated you didn't know what you wanted, and so he got flowers. It almost seems like tou are going tit for tat.. since you spent a lot of money for his birthday then you were expecting an extravagant gift in return.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Jeepers, people say things like "I don't really need anything" just to be modest and polite. I would ALWAYS take this that way and just consider it that she MAY not have an idea what she'd like. Then go and pick something SHE'd like. In this case, if the thought is what matters I don't blame the OP for feeling a little dissed. Just about as little a thought as possible went into giving the two most important women in his life a Christmas present--the same freaking phone-in flowers. I do wonder however what she gave him--the same box of Slim Jims she gave her dad? Deal off then.
LondonS Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I think its complimentery that he has bought you same flowers as his mother.... dont forget that most boys love their mums- I'd take that as a compliment actually
LexiB Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Lesson learned. This guy is obviously not a big gift person. I can understand your disappointment, but it's not a red flag. If he's a great guy in other aspects, I would keep it going. Next time it's your b-day or v-day? Offer up some suggestions. See what he does. RF I agree. I don't think this is a red flag at all. Some guys just aren't...thoughtful, if you will. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or he's a selfish bastard, it just means he's gonna need to be coached through gift giving occasions in the future. Now, if you're someone who truly needs the Jim Halpert type [re: The Office] in order to be happy, you have to determine whether you can do without in this relationship, b/c this man isn't it...
sally4sara Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I think its complimentery that he has bought you same flowers as his mother.... dont forget that most boys love their mums- I'd take that as a compliment actually The only time this results in a mess is if he was raised by one of those "Don't get me anything; you're my perfect perfect boy and that is enough for me!" kind of mothers. Ugh @ momma's boys!
LondonS Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 The only time this results in a mess is if he was raised by one of those "Don't get me anything; you're my perfect perfect boy and that is enough for me!" kind of mothers. Ugh @ momma's boys! Yeah I agree...but I think its best to see things positively until ofcourse if he had done similar things a few times... I'd def give him benefit of the doubt this time around, take it as a compliment and relax...
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Let me bring a few things to light 3. Guys are problem solvers!! He probably saw a great online deal for buy1 get 1 free. With the extra flower bouquet he though he would give it to his mother and knock out 2 gifts with one stone. Its simple guy logic and we all do it. So don't get all stink face cause you didn't get a unicorn for xmas. Let me bring something to light.... I'm a guy and no way in hell would I give my GF the same thing as my Mom and certainly wouldn't give my GF just flowers for CHRISTMAS.. and it isn't simple guy logic... The flowers will be dead in under a week.. the guy blew his chance to make their first Christmas a memorable one
USCGAviator Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 (edited) A memorable Christmas after dating for 4 months? Come on dude its not that big of a deal. Lets not forget that 4 months is not a long time unless your in the fast lane..... Try reading the whole post and realize how long they have been together. Time invested plays a huge roll in what gifts you receive. Edited December 28, 2010 by USCGAviator
Art_Critic Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 A memorable Christmas after dating for 4 months? Come on dude its not that big of a deal. Lets not forget that 4 months is not a long time unless your in the fast lane..... Try reading the whole post and realize how long they have been together. Time invested plays a huge roll in what gifts you receive. You are telling me to read the post..hahaha I did read the post originally and still stand behind what I said.. and if you want to treat your 4 month old relationship like shiot dude.. you go right ahead.. you will be single a long time..
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