northstarr Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Hi All, I 'll get straight to the point. My hubbie and I have been married for 17 years and have two wonderul girls aged 11 and 14. We married at 24 yrs of age and have had to deal with challenges from the time of our engagement. We are of two different cultures, languages and religions. We have had to deal with gov't overthrows, taking care of his loved ones economically, living-wise due the devastations his country constantly brings about. His family has little to no boundaries when compared to my American cultural norms (what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours as far as coming to stay indefinitely in your house, needing money, etc.) They want to celebrate in their language, eat only their food and only party with their music). I have felt claustrophobic and depressed as I have compromised to save the marriage to the point where whatever little luster we might have started with has been long gone. When we were engaged, we discussed finding a neutral place of worship (he promptly got 'amnesia' when I became pregnant with our first child and insisted she become of his religion). In addition, when you take his family and country out of the equation, he is controlling, criticizin and quick to anger. This is just a taste of our marriage as I could write a whole book here if you let me. So what is my dilemma, you might ask? Why not run like the wind? Due to all of this stress, I developed a severe anxiety disorder 17 years ago (yes upon marriage) and struggled to remain gainfully employed as it screwed up my driving. He is trying now, for that past year and a half to calm his temper and keep his family at bay. But try as I might, I have no love for this man and am repulsed by his touch. Our kids should not be made to suffer and ask me not to break up the house. I am not with anyone and shudder at the thought. We have an inhouse separation that he hates and so I don't know whether to hurt the kids and leave or struggle to trust this man and feel something for him again. It is a case of too little too late. (it took him 15 years to open his eyes and now I couldn't care less). Thanks for weighing in !!
quankanne Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 your kids are already hurting if they can see that the marriage is not a healthy one ... the question is, do you want to keep them exposed to a toxic relationship? Because those kids will have a relationship with their dad and with you regardless whether you stay in the marriage. If anything, they deserve to have a mom who is healthy in every sense of the word (as in psychologically), even if they don't immediately understand why. are you getting any counseling to deal with all of this? And is he?
Nightsky Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 You say it is a case of too little to late, does that mean you will be leaving him? A lot of people go through exactly what you are facing and they figure their lives out. Whether you start something new or fix something old have hope. You sound strong in your post.
Author northstarr Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 your kids are already hurting if they can see that the marriage is not a healthy one ... the question is, do you want to keep them exposed to a toxic relationship? Because those kids will have a relationship with their dad and with you regardless whether you stay in the marriage. If anything, they deserve to have a mom who is healthy in every sense of the word (as in psychologically), even if they don't immediately understand why. are you getting any counseling to deal with all of this? And is he? Thanks for your response! I have had counseling to get on the right meds and learn to drive again. I have also found God and feel stronger than ever!! MY H is a great provider and a good father. If one good thing has come out of this union is that the kids have many cousins on their father's side that they have grown up with and memories to look back on. As I grew up isloated and with an angry father, this was my one wish for my kids growing up was to know family and feel loved always!! It happened even-- if it came at my cost! They were starting to mimic his disrespctful behavior towards me and it made me realize that my relationship with them was suffering and that they may end up with a copycat marriage when they grew up.
Author northstarr Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 (edited) You say it is a case of too little to late, does that mean you will be leaving him? A lot of people go through exactly what you are facing and they figure their lives out. Whether you start something new or fix something old have hope. You sound strong in your post. Thanks for your response! I'm curious, what do you mean by "figure their lives out?" Do you mean forgive and forget? I've tried to look at him with "new eyes" but damn do I salivate at the thought of living my American customs and traditions! and not have to deal with another sob story coming from his home country! I want to separate as his anger makes for a tenson filled home. However ,there is no money to do so! I guess I just needed to vent so I came to this forum to do so. I am aware that the decision is mine to finally make!! But what is holding me back??? I can't get anymore depressed! Edited to add: I feel as if writing has made me come up with my own answers! How therapeutic! I will legally separate for as long as I need to. Months maybe. He took 15 years to wake up! So what is a few months of my own space! I no longer fear fate! If he can't wait, then he should move on. If I need space to stretch, so be it! I deserve it! Edited December 28, 2010 by northstarr
Nightsky Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 It means you’ll find what you’re searching for. Sorry if that’s vague, but only you can know what that is. For your sake you do need to forgive your husband, but that doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be disrespected by any one. Venting on here helps but make sure you find people in your life to go through this with you.
Author northstarr Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 It means you’ll find what you’re searching for. Sorry if that’s vague, but only you can know what that is. For your sake you do need to forgive your husband, but that doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be disrespected by any one. Venting on here helps but make sure you find people in your life to go through this with you. Thanks Nightsky, yes, forgiveness is very important. I feel as if I do forgive as I am not angry anymore. But as you say, forgiveness doesn't mean doormat. The doormat days are over, just don't know if I can get rid of the indifference I feel towards him. He says I am not affectionate towards him and he's right! I don't see him 'in that way' anymore, try as I might. I'm 'just not into him' anymore. There's an EWWW factor now.
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