emptydude Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 All, I posted this as a response in another thread, but I've actually been thinking about this more, so hopefully noone minds if I start this as a new topic. My ex broke up w/me about 1 week ago, and told me she felt like she was falling out of love w/me (this had been happening over the course of months). We had been together for 7-8 years w/out seeing anyone else, which I understand is a bit unusual. But my question is, if they ever come back? Has anyone seen the "no contact" rule used to bring back the ex given the reason of "falling out of love"? Does "no contact" rekindle the love for them? Last time we talked (last friday), she told me that she felt confident in her decision, felt as though we grew apart, felt as though we were coasting, she was curious etc. etc. (the usual). But she also told me she wouldn't be opposed to seeing each other every month or so to see how each other is doing. She suggested I give her a call in a month to actually arrange the hang out. She also said she wouldn't call me so that I wouldn't have false hope, so if I wanted to see her, I'd have to call. Also her birthday is in about a month or two, and she said she'd be sad if I didn't call on her bday. I understand no matter what I do now, she won't change her mind......but again, does "no contact" change this up for most dumpers? I know I shouldn't wait and should move on (and am doing it very slowly), but this question has been on my mind lately. Thanks for any responses!
tenderhearted Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Hi EmptyDude. Sorry to hear about your gf falling out of love with you. I have heard of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" I think that is what you are referring to. I don't think that you should use NO CONTACT as a means of winning her love back. Instead use it to focus on YOU. Now whether or not she sees the error in her ways (if that is the case) and realizes that she doesn't want to breakup with you after all, then I guess that old saying does ring true. BUT if she doesn't come back, at least you'll be on the right track as far as healing and moving on is concerned. It's all in your attitude. You can choose to be there for her and remain in contact if that is what you desire. If that helps you in all of this then more power to ya! But if it makes you feel worst and even more confused then you'll have to decide whether or not you want to go that route. Go with what your head (not your heart) is telling you. Usually it's right. I'm rooting for ya!
overseas2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 You have had a really long relationship. I have posted this in reply to others as well. My cousin and her boyfriend broke up after 8years of dating. They had no contact and then after 3 months he called and they made up. She had kind of given up hope on him but she was glad he was back. They have been together now for a total of 11 years. Not married yet though so I don't know what is up with that. But not to get off your subject. I think I agree with the writer above. No contact will help you. Seeing her will only rekindle hope, or even worse it will dig up your own wounds. You should not expect her to come back. I think she said what she really meant. Is there a chance for reconciliation. In month one of your break up you will pray and anticipate it every day. In month two you will start to lose hope but still you may pray for it. In month three you will forget about reconcilliation but still be licking your wounds. I am stuck in month two. Of course this is not standard for everyone just what I think are the phases and how long they take. I think the important thing is to be really really selfish now. Go where you want. Do what you want. Cry when you want. Stay home and veg when you want. Drink sedatives or sleeping pills ifyou need to. Whatever makes you feel better. Just as long as you are not hurting yourself. And once in a while I have noticed that punching a bag helps a lot too. Keep yourself busy. I think this one is gone. But I hope you find another one who is more deserving of the obvious faithfulness and love that you are able to give. Take care Natalie
Author emptydude Posted March 17, 2004 Author Posted March 17, 2004 Thanks for the support guys I'm in the stage of accepting it more and more, and I feel like I'm getting over it more and more everyday. And I'm really *arriving* to the realization that she MEANT to do this, and that I should really respect her decision because she's given this alot of thought. And to do anything BUT respect her decision would be bad. But should I take up the offer of getting together next month, given that she gave it? I mean, it *does* kind of sound like a "pity get together". Or should I just continue no contact?
overseas2004 Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 What you should do is see how you feel at that time and decide then. For me it is very difficult to see my ex. He came over last week for the first time in 1 month after our break up. He was crying and he looked terrible. He rekindled some hope in me especially because he offered to take me to dinner. Well he never called for dinner. And it just set me back the whole thing. So you should see how you feel. If you are still feeling kind of raw and hurt then don't do it. Because it will make it worse. Let us know what happens.
shellen Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 I always thought that when a couple breaks up they can still be good friends. But now I am not too sure about that. When my previous relationship ended I was very keen to keep in touch with my ex but he chose to avoid me although he was the one who initiated the break-up. But I guess my feelings for him were not that deep so I okay with him not wanting to keep in touch. It was only after about half a year that he stopped avoiding me, so now we are just aquaintances. So for my recent breakup, which was actually 9 months ago, I wanted to remain gd frens with him because I just cannot imagine my life without him and also we had such great chemistry and were very gd friends before we got together. But now I realized it was the greatest mistake I made because I still loved him very much and keeping in touch with him made it more difficult to get over him. And when he got a new girlfriend, things became worse because I got so jealous all the time. Until now I still have not gotten over him and in fact I posted another thread illustrating how I asked him for a reconcilation but was rejected because he thinks it is wrong to leave someone for another. But that is another issue. I dunno about you guys but for me, when I really miss and love the person so much I cannot help but contact him. I dunno how you guys can restrain yourself hee. In the past I could, but I realized it's probably because I did not love the guy as much as my current ex. And well...I think it is true to a certain extent that no contact can make ur ex realize he misses you coz a lot of times u realize how much you love the person only after u lost him (as in my case), But it can work both ways, ur ex may think you are no longer interested and just move on...possible? But in any case, at least during the no contact period you would have the opportunity to really get over him or her. That's my opinion. If I could reverse time, I would choose not to contact him at least for a while. Then again if I could reverse time, I would not have let him go in the first place.
cowgirl Posted March 17, 2004 Posted March 17, 2004 I was with someone for 4 years and we were engaged. We broke up because we grew apart. It took me 2 years to get through the mess but Im a better person for it now. I've learnt so much from it. When we split I never contacted him although a month after I left he did. This went on and on for the next 8 months, a phonecall here and there and a weekend to go see him. I came to realise that he only was keeping the contact incase he'd changed his mind. I remember the first phonecall he made after we split was to tell me that he's not sure he'd made the right decision. Gee Whiz!! I told him he'd have to live with that. Eventually no contact happened and we are both happy in our own lives. I have met guys since and started relationships again only to have them treat me like dirt so Im very cautious of guys and what they want now. I think that if you want to move on with your life you have to have the no contact thing happening. If she wanted out she shouldn't be asking you to keep in touch as she has. She wanted out, she should get out! She's only giving you false hopes and because she knows you still feel the way you do the more you keep the contact the more your playing into her hands. No contact's worked for me in the past and I think you can do it to. Life's too short mate, live life to the fullest. There's someone else out there down the track when you get through this. It's easier said than don but believe me you WILL get there. Good Luck.
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