my new year's resolutions concerning guys

[northern_sky]

I've written these out for myself on my computer, but I want to share them with y'all, so you can catch me if I break them. This is part of my plan to get emotionally healthy.

 

I've never stalked someone in real life, but I have been known to cyber stalk crushes/exes out of boredom and curiosity. With my ex, I fortunately unfriended and blocked him almost immediately after he dumped me, making his profile un-viewable, but I've had less self control with other guys.

 

I think this is part of why it takes me awhile to move on. It's almost like a compulsion. With one ex crush for years I regularly tried to dig up any info I could find on him. Although my feelings for him are pretty much gone, I still probably google him for a few minutes about once every few months...it's a combination of habit and boredom. Sort of like checking up on a character in a show you used to follow. But it's unhealthy, because it makes me feel disempowered.

 

With J, I am clicking on his profile once a day to see if he has made updates. I hid him from my feed before we even hooked up the first time, because he was already annoying me. It's like I knew he had the power to get under my skin, and I didn't want to develop a crush.

 

Obviously this needs to end. Here are my resolutions for 2011:

 

1) Unless absolutely necessary*, I will not look at the facebook/dating/other social network profile of an old flame/crush whom I am trying to put behind me. An ex whom I am indifferent to at this point is fair game.

 

*I have no idea what would constitute "absolutely necessary," but maybe if there was some info on his page I absolutely needed for some reason, although that seems pretty inconceivable.

 

2) I will not consciously* fantasize about an old flame/crush. Consciously*, because I cannot control what I dream about.

 

3) I will not google search an old flame/crush, peruse his websites or look for any information related to him online.

 

4) I will not google/social network stalk anybody related to an old flame/crush, unless it is for some reason unrelated to him.

 

5) I will not browse dating sites out of boredom. Unless I am ready to date, I will stay off them.

 

This is Day 1. I am jump starting the new year. Wish me luck!

[northern_sky]

Heh, I know it's only been 16 hours, but I have managed to stick to my resolution despite several urges to check J's profile.

 

I had one minor ambiguous slip. On a newsfeed I saw a friend commenting on the status of this guy I used to work with 2.5 years ago and was attracted to at the time (though not a real crush). I hadn't seen his profile before I clicked at a few of his pictures. Then I caught myself and realized this might be in violation of my resolution. I just need to be on guard.

[elaina]

Obviously this needs to end. Here are my resolutions for 2011:

 

1) Unless absolutely necessary*, I will not look at the facebook/dating/other social network profile of an old flame/crush whom I am trying to put behind me. An ex whom I am indifferent to at this point is fair game.

Hello Sky,

 

I think 1.) is good, though it's probably best to leave ALL exes alone, unless they are friends who you still talk with and who neither of you have any bad feelings against each other.

 

*I have no idea what would constitute "absolutely necessary," but maybe if there was some info on his page I absolutely needed for some reason, although that seems pretty inconceivable.

Yeah no I just think it's best to not look period. Instead, fill up the time with other things... do you like to draw? Draw and that will help you get better! Practice is a good thing. Do you like to write? Write fascinating stories (I think you are a good writer, so I bet you could even write an interesting book if you put your mind to it!)

 

2) I will not consciously* fantasize about an old flame/crush. Consciously*, because I cannot control what I dream about.

Good, maybe instead, fantasize about a place you want to go, like if you want to go to Italia or somewhere. One worry I have about your list of "I will nots" is unless you fill it with something else, your habits are going to come back and bite you. They only go away if you fill in the place with better habits, you know?

 

3) I will not google search an old flame/crush, peruse his websites or look for any information related to him online.

 

4) I will not google/social network stalk anybody related to an old flame/crush, unless it is for some reason unrelated to him.

Lol I thought you posted the same one twice. Just don't google people you know or people who know who you know! Google celebrities lol.

 

5) I will not browse dating sites out of boredom. Unless I am ready to date, I will stay off them.

Awesome!!!

 

This is Day 1. I am jump starting the new year. Wish me luck!

Good luck! Be strong! You can do it.

 

No offense, but some other ones I suggest (which of course you can take or leave) are the following:

 

5) I will learn what an amazing person I am and not rely on a man for happiness, but will instead grow as an individual and so when a healthy, handsome man comes my way, we can enjoy life together.

 

6) I will not let the negativity and criticism against women and against me personally that any family members and others, as well as strangers throw around, hurt me anymore. Rather, I will take advice that is good, and leave the rest. I will be confident and be the best me I can be, regardless of anybody trying to cut me down.

 

7) I will no longer resort to insulting and cutting down people, including those who any exes like for whatever reason. Rather, I will leave them alone and get on with my life, and be healthy in both mind and body.

[OceanGirl]

Mine:

 

1) I will NOT chase anyone. I will not initiate contact by texting, e-mail, dating sites et al. I will not make sexual moves on any of my dates.

 

2) I will not go on even a single date with men that are showing red flags before the first date. I will stop dating them as soon as sure red flag shows up to make them not viable for a LTR.

 

3) I will stop the madness of checking up on my old crushes online. I currently have 5 OKC tabs open and am checking login times of FIVE different guys This horror has to stop.

 

4) I will not fantasize or daydream about men that I can't have. I am only allowed to fantasize about the LTR prospect I am currently dating.

 

5) I must achieve some mastery of my emotions and impulses. I have to stop indulging my every emotion.

 

6) Following on 5, I MUST NOT mix emotions and work. This is for the current job and the new job that I am about to find.

 

I must confess that I broke down and messaged a guy through OKC last night that was already ambiguously blowing me off. He didn't respond and I feel like shyt.

[johan]

I will make sure to satisfy johan's every carnal desire.

 

This one stood out for me. I think you're making great progress.

 

I will make sure that johan is always sexually satisfied.

 

You, too.

[Titania22]

They are all good news years resolutions.

 

I don't really have any. But since I now find myself with boyfriend, I guess I have a resolution to not repeat old co-dependence patterns of the past. Part of my reason for being single for the past 3 years, is that I didn't want to repeat my past mistakes. So maintaining boundaries and making sure I still have am active life independent of my boyfriend seems to be a good place to start.

 

Along with this other lessons I have learnt are:-

 

Don't move in together

Don't share finances or loan money to each other

Don't always drop my own plans if he calls

If he starts talking about his wants and frustrations, don't swoop in with solutions, especially if they involve breaking any of the rules above.

 

That's it. I hadn't planned on listing these things, but I think it was a good exercise so I can break my past patterns of behaviour.

 

Thanks northern_sky for suggesting the exercise.

[cutiecall]

I'm glad I'm not the only one. Facebook, texting, and the internet can be very distructive if you have obsessive tendencies and can't get a guy out of your head.

It definately only prolongs the torture. I used to obsessively look at my ex's facebook profile. The good news is I haven't looked at in awhile and I'm alot more happy.

I'm so bad that I will look at facebook profile pics of guys even if we are not fb friends.

[Star Gazer]

Shadow, I think your resolutions are great and totally, totally doable. Facebook can be addicting when it comes to dating. I'm refraining from adding someone right now for the very reason that I don't want to become obsessed with his wall/photos/updates/etc.

 

OG, yours are quite ambitious for you. Might I suggest some baby steps? Start with #2.

 

This one stood out for me. I think you're making great progress.

 

You, too.

 

Well, good to know you're alllll taken care of...

[johan]

Well, good to know you're alllll taken care of...

 

I'm not willing to jump to that conclusion. Not yet anyway. People rarely follow through on their resolutions.

[OceanGirl]

 

Well, good to know you're alllll taken care of...

 

You are welcome to help too

[Star Gazer]

You are welcome to help too

 

I suspect I'd fail. I don't like to fail at my resolutions...

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

5) I must achieve some mastery of my emotions and impulses. I have to stop indulging my every emotion.

 

6) Following on 5, I MUST NOT mix emotions and work. This is for the current job and the new job that I am about to find.

 

 

From what I've learned about you, if you can stick with these, your life will blossom.

 

Being "emotional" is not bad. Allowing any passing wave of feeling to derail you from ANYTHING is hurting you. There have to be core values and a path that you're following which your ever changing feelings can't alter. Like a sailing ship upon the ocean - storms may buffet you, but stay your course! If you get pushed off your course, get back on it! You could be a lot happier!

[northern_sky]

Shadow, I think your resolutions are great and totally, totally doable. Facebook can be addicting when it comes to dating. I'm refraining from adding someone right now for the very reason that I don't want to become obsessed with his wall/photos/updates/etc.

 

OG, yours are quite ambitious for you. Might I suggest some baby steps? Start with #2.

 

 

 

Well, good to know you're alllll taken care of...

 

Yeah, I picked them partly because I feel like they are realistic. I know these are things I could refrain from, but probably would continue doing out of habit, unless I made a conscious choice not to.

[Feelin Frisky]

...

 

1) Unless absolutely necessary*, I will not look at the facebook/dating/other social network profile of an old flame/crush whom I am trying to put behind me. An ex whom I am indifferent to at this point is fair game.

 

*I have no idea what would constitute "absolutely necessary," but maybe if there was some info on his page I absolutely needed for some reason, although that seems pretty inconceivable.

 

2) I will not consciously* fantasize about an old flame/crush. Consciously*, because I cannot control what I dream about.

 

3) I will not google search an old flame/crush, peruse his websites or look for any information related to him online.

 

4) I will not google/social network stalk anybody related to an old flame/crush, unless it is for some reason unrelated to him.

 

5) I will not browse dating sites out of boredom. Unless I am ready to date, I will stay off them.

 

This is Day 1. I am jump starting the new year. Wish me luck!

 

As an older dude, this list cracks me up because it's so technology centric. There's not one "I will not go to X,Y or Z where an old flame might hang out" entry or an "I will not ask my friends when I see them what he's up to" item in the bunch. How life has changed.

 

I am pursuing software ideas I have and sometimes I worry that if I succeed I could be criticized for making people too technology-dependent. But when I see this, I realize people already are and that my ideas would be a halfway step back to real life. Just sharing. Carry on.

[northern_sky]

 

3) I will stop the madness of checking up on my old crushes online. I currently have 5 OKC tabs open and am checking login times of FIVE different guys This horror has to stop.

 

 

Wow! That sounds like me, except I was only checking on two guys.

 

But it's such a waste of time. It's not even satisfying as "addictions" go, because there is no "high" in return for clicking on his profile. There's nothing new you're going to see, short of him professing their undying love for you as his status, that will ever make you feel good, even momentarily.

 

Instead you will find nothing new there or something bad, that you will obsess over. It's a total lose-lose. I think that's why it's a tiny bit easier for me to quit this than it is to kick other compulsions (at least I'm hoping it will be).

 

Every time I click, I feel a little bit lamer.

[OceanGirl]

Well, the last time I clicked on the politician guy's Facebook - I saw that he was wishing his gf a happy 3 month anniversary :rolleyes:

 

This is the girl that he met around the time we broke up. I don't even care that much about him - but this status update triggered a wave of depression. Why is she better than me? and such. As a result - I messaged that other OKC guy and am now feeling even worse because he didn't respond.

 

There is nothing good that comes out of this and I am just expanding useless mental and emotional energy

[northern_sky]

As an older dude, this list cracks me up because it's so technology centric. There's not one "I will not go to X,Y or Z where an old flame might hang out" entry or an "I will not ask my friends when I see them what he's up to" item in the bunch. How life has changed.

 

I am pursuing software ideas I have and sometimes I worry that if I succeed I could be criticized for making people too technology-dependent. But when I see this, I realize people already are and that my ideas would be a halfway step back to real life. Just sharing. Carry on.

 

It is a bit scary. But I am also rather introverted, so I probably don't go out as much as other people do. That keeps most of my compulsions behind closed doors. I guess I'm not as concerned about running into an ex around town, because I don't feel like I"m looking for them. You know?

 

I do sometimes I long for the days when cyberstalking wasn't possible. You know when if you broke up with somebody, and they didn't live a few blocks away or have a bunch of mutual friends, they really did disappear from your life forever. There might be no real way of ever reaching them again, short of opening a private investigation. That must have been kind of nice closure.

[northern_sky]

Well, the last time I clicked on the politician guy's Facebook - I saw that he was wishing his gf a happy 3 month anniversary :rolleyes:

 

This is the girl that he met around the time we broke up. I don't even care that much about him - but this status update triggered a wave of depression. Why is she better than me? and such. As a result - I messaged that other OKC guy and am now feeling even worse because he didn't respond.

 

There is nothing good that comes out of this and I am just expanding useless mental and emotional energy

 

Exactly. Nothing good lies beyond that click of a mouse.

 

Seriously, if I ever saw that J was in a relationship, I would feel awful. And you know that's gonna happen at some point, but I don't want to be witness...at least any time soon while I still have feelings. Yet at the same time I'm reluctant to burn a bridge by deleting him as a friend. So I will just have to exercise self-restraint.

 

I really think you should delete the politician, though, because you'll probably never see him again and you don't even want him as a professional contact. I feel like it's masochistic to keep him as a friend. NOTHING could ever make me look at my ex's profile (if I still had access). The pain he caused me is too deep.

Edited December 29, 2010 by northern_sky

[Feelin Frisky]

...You know?

 

....

 

Yes. This is fascinating. I don't like to sound like Mr. Spock but I find this a compelling bit of contemporary sociology. I'm sure you're not atypical. This is how it goes these days. Everyone can avoid the stuff that people used to have to face all the time. In some ways it's good and some ways it's dysfunctional. Hearing you spill it out honestly piques my interest as a media innovator with dreams. In my dreams I succeed but getting it all right and helping people better use new media and devices is critical. Right now no one cares and they just float new technologies out there and let the chips fall where they may. We can do soooo much better. Sorry to intellectualize your dilemma. All the best in having a more favorable new year.

[OceanGirl]

So that guy I messaged yesterday finally logged on to OKC tonight and chose not to respond to my message.

 

I asked him if he wants to catch up next week. Normally, I would take that badly and feel down.

 

But one of my new year's resolutions (I haven't mentioned it yet) is to be more positive about things. So I decided that he actually saved me some time as he is not a LTR prospect despite how attracted I am to him.

 

Normally I would think "OMG I shouldn't have sent that - he is probably creeped out by me or something".

 

Now I am thinking "So I sent that message. I am sure he is flattered even if not interested. At least I have cleared up any ambiguity about his interest in me and I can fully close that chapter"

[OceanGirl]

I just had another test: a guy I have no real interest in asked me out for NYE. Now, this is tempting because I have no plans for NYE. But it's not really fair to lead this guy on because I am filling time.

 

So I replied: thank you for asking but I don't think that we have enough in common to date. Good luck in your search

[dispatch3d]

Mine:

 

1) I will NOT chase anyone. I will not initiate contact by texting, e-mail, dating sites et al. I will not make sexual moves on any of my dates.

 

2) I will not go on even a single date with men that are showing red flags before the first date. I will stop dating them as soon as sure red flag shows up to make them not viable for a LTR.

 

3) I will stop the madness of checking up on my old crushes online. I currently have 5 OKC tabs open and am checking login times of FIVE different guys This horror has to stop.

 

4) I will not fantasize or daydream about men that I can't have. I am only allowed to fantasize about the LTR prospect I am currently dating.

 

5) I must achieve some mastery of my emotions and impulses. I have to stop indulging my every emotion.

 

6) Following on 5, I MUST NOT mix emotions and work. This is for the current job and the new job that I am about to find.

 

I must confess that I broke down and messaged a guy through OKC last night that was already ambiguously blowing me off. He didn't respond and I feel like shyt.

 

5 seems a little too ambigious and big to attain. I don't think I could achieve "some mastery of my emotions and impulses" and I'm certain I'm less emotional/impulsive than you are (not to say I'm on the good side of things with this at all).

 

However, I have no suggestions for something more attainable. I'd just pick a behaviour you do that you don't like and change that... easier to measure and accomplish.

[abust1]

I always long for the days before cyberstalking.

[northern_sky]

I have one actual dating rule to add to this list:

 

- I will not set out to date* anybody until I get my personal life in order. If somebody asks me out, that's a different story.

 

*I mean like actively try to meet guys, try to seduce people, prowl on dating sites, etc.

 

This should also be a fairly easy rule to follow, since I rarely get asked out in real life and I have little desire to put any effort into dating right now.

[Titania22]

 

But one of my new year's resolutions (I haven't mentioned it yet) is to be more positive about things. So I decided that he actually saved me some time as he is not a LTR prospect despite how attracted I am to him.

 

 

This is a great reframing of your perspective OG. Good on you.