Holiday blues, need to make it out of this marriage the bestquickest way possible :'/

[armytrapped]

Hi everyone this is my first posting, i have been married just over nine years and it has been nothing like what i expected, my husband has become at the least a friend. I had no concept or model of marriage from my childhood, but have come to realize what i have found myself in is not normal or acceptable. We have not made love for over 8 years, he seems perfectly happy with this and with our marrigae even though i have told him countless times it is not working out for me. Still i have tried to stick it out, he kept me in the home for the majority of the marriage, never took me out to dinner a movie etc, and threw a fit anytime i drank or spoke of it, and seems to be soley motivated by money. Three years ago he moved to a base thousands of miles away and we have spent most of that time arguing on the phone and seeing eachother holidays, and him making me feel bad about myself, as though i didnt feel bad enough at him not wanting me sexually. I know i am a fit attractive woman but it is hard to remember or believe at times the way he has treated me.

I have learned that he has been going out drinking etc at his new base and still he forbids me to do anything. He wanted me to come visit for the holiday and pretend we are happliy married for his family, but living without him around me for a few years has given me enough courage to tell him no. unfortunately this resulted in him coming back here for the month... He is content on our marriage the way it is somewhow, by the way here for three weeks now and no kissing etc. but yet he talks about our future to rent out this house to someone and buy another one????? I dont know how to proceed i want him to know this marriage isnt going anywhere but i dont want him to divorce me before i get theses benefits and feel like these 10 years were a total waste. and i have a near minimum wage job...

I am currently in school and have 12 months left that the military will pay on, and have heard that after 10 years of marriage i will get additional benefits, he has been in the military the whole time and is now an officer? this is the only reason i have not divorced him yet, but i dont know if it is worth it to wait or if i can, i am super stressed living day to day, I HATE THIS SITUATION--he still has controls over me i feel trapped by him and do not want to spend this summer or next holiday season with him but i think he may insist on it, i need to move on and have met a great guy who loves me for me but he is unwilling to move beyond friendship until i can assure him my husband is gone for good, but i feel like i need to walk a line to stay married until my schooling is done AAAAAAAAAAAAA please pray for me and help it actually feels better already just to ask...

[robf1971]

Hi everyone this is my first posting, i have been married just over nine years and it has been nothing like what i expected, my husband has become at the least a friend. I had no concept or model of marriage from my childhood, but have come to realize what i have found myself in is not normal or acceptable. We have not made love for over 8 years, he seems perfectly happy with this and with our marrigae even though i have told him countless times it is not working out for me. Still i have tried to stick it out, he kept me in the home for the majority of the marriage, never took me out to dinner a movie etc, and threw a fit anytime i drank or spoke of it, and seems to be soley motivated by money. Three years ago he moved to a base thousands of miles away and we have spent most of that time arguing on the phone and seeing eachother holidays, and him making me feel bad about myself, as though i didnt feel bad enough at him not wanting me sexually. I know i am a fit attractive woman but it is hard to remember or believe at times the way he has treated me.

I have learned that he has been going out drinking etc at his new base and still he forbids me to do anything. He wanted me to come visit for the holiday and pretend we are happliy married for his family, but living without him around me for a few years has given me enough courage to tell him no. unfortunately this resulted in him coming back here for the month... He is content on our marriage the way it is somewhow, by the way here for three weeks now and no kissing etc. but yet he talks about our future to rent out this house to someone and buy another one????? I dont know how to proceed i want him to know this marriage isnt going anywhere but i dont want him to divorce me before i get theses benefits and feel like these 10 years were a total waste. and i have a near minimum wage job...

I am currently in school and have 12 months left that the military will pay on, and have heard that after 10 years of marriage i will get additional benefits, he has been in the military the whole time and is now an officer? this is the only reason i have not divorced him yet, but i dont know if it is worth it to wait or if i can, i am super stressed living day to day, I HATE THIS SITUATION--he still has controls over me i feel trapped by him and do not want to spend this summer or next holiday season with him but i think he may insist on it, i need to move on and have met a great guy who loves me for me but he is unwilling to move beyond friendship until i can assure him my husband is gone for good, but i feel like i need to walk a line to stay married until my schooling is done AAAAAAAAAAAAA please pray for me and help it actually feels better already just to ask...

 

Sorry, there are some things that just don't add up about your story. Why did you stick it out for 7 yrs with no sex? You can be honest on this board. It almost sounds like you are doing the classic Walk Away spouse history rewrite and are seeking justification for having an affair?

 

Also it sounds a little hypocritical, you say "All my H cares about is money" but you are prepared to stick in a loveless marriage for precisely that reason..

[delajoonal]

Hi everyone this is my first posting, i have been married just over nine years and it has been nothing like what i expected, my husband has become at the least a friend. I had no concept or model of marriage from my childhood, but have come to realize what i have found myself in is not normal or acceptable. We have not made love for over 8 years, he seems perfectly happy with this and with our marrigae even though i have told him countless times it is not working out for me. Still i have tried to stick it out, he kept me in the home for the majority of the marriage, never took me out to dinner a movie etc, and threw a fit anytime i drank or spoke of it, and seems to be soley motivated by money. Three years ago he moved to a base thousands of miles away and we have spent most of that time arguing on the phone and seeing eachother holidays, and him making me feel bad about myself, as though i didnt feel bad enough at him not wanting me sexually. I know i am a fit attractive woman but it is hard to remember or believe at times the way he has treated me.

I have learned that he has been going out drinking etc at his new base and still he forbids me to do anything. He wanted me to come visit for the holiday and pretend we are happliy married for his family, but living without him around me for a few years has given me enough courage to tell him no. unfortunately this resulted in him coming back here for the month... He is content on our marriage the way it is somewhow, by the way here for three weeks now and no kissing etc. but yet he talks about our future to rent out this house to someone and buy another one????? I dont know how to proceed i want him to know this marriage isnt going anywhere but i dont want him to divorce me before i get theses benefits and feel like these 10 years were a total waste. and i have a near minimum wage job...

I am currently in school and have 12 months left that the military will pay on, and have heard that after 10 years of marriage i will get additional benefits, he has been in the military the whole time and is now an officer? this is the only reason i have not divorced him yet, but i dont know if it is worth it to wait or if i can, i am super stressed living day to day, I HATE THIS SITUATION--he still has controls over me i feel trapped by him and do not want to spend this summer or next holiday season with him but i think he may insist on it, i need to move on and have met a great guy who loves me for me but he is unwilling to move beyond friendship until i can assure him my husband is gone for good, but i feel like i need to walk a line to stay married until my schooling is done AAAAAAAAAAAAA please pray for me and help it actually feels better already just to ask...

 

 

oh gosh, sweetie...

this sounds horrible for u...

oh i know what u r doing tho...i did it myself...but my xh ended up leaving me for his onine EA...

 

that was still hard, as i had tried to leave for about 6 years prior...but couldn't...so he sought out love and butterflies elsewhere...a i was the one not wanting sex with him any longer.

 

yes, u need to finish school, and yes, after 10 yrs of marriage u get more..in cali anyway...

 

but, is it worth your integrity and dignity..and sanity?

 

can u do this for one more year?

 

i sure hope he is not physically violent as he sounds very controlling and hostile at times.?

 

i am not sure if i am in a place to give u advice..

but..

i can say this, I will Pray for you sweetie...

and for the day u can fly free and be who u need to be..and LIVE LIFE to it's fullest...cause it sounds to me like your marriage is a prison sentence...gosh, i should not say that...but this is how your OP reads.

 

i know living in a loveless marriage, i know the needing to stay for reasons that only some of us will ever understand...be it benefits, money, children, school, careers, family..,etc....

 

right now, u have to weigh out what is more important to you?

i know getting thru school will secure a future career and finacial stability for your future endeavors...and waiting out the 10 year mark for alimony and possible (child support, as u did not mention kids?)

 

anyway...i did what i did for survival...there was no violence, or emotional abuse...but it was still, a 7 years with pracitcally no sex, in my case.. but that was on my part...as i was not in love with my xh anymore..so it was still a prison sentence for him and i both..i c that now, after coming to LS for 2 years.

 

and although i am having issues with a new R/bf, i can tell u, u will LOVE again and feel desired and like a woman again...

 

but u have to take the steps to secure your future...

 

again, i am so sorry this is happening to u...

 

ur very brave for sharing your story and reaching out for help..

 

this is the first step in moving forward toward your new future...

 

hopefully a happy, fulfilling one...

 

keep posting and reading, please...LS is full of amazing people..

ok...take care;) i will be back to check on u.

[armytrapped]

I appreciate your support and thankfully he has not been physically abusive and we do not have any kids, honestly i dont undersatnd myself how the time went bye like it did, and i ended up in such an empty marriage for so long, as i eluded to i had no model of marriage from my childhood, i grew up without a family and was sexually abused by a stranger when i was young. I do love my husband but not as a husband more as a friend or father, he did give me a new start in life and some sort of companionship, but not a marriage.

I tried for many years to force myself into believing that what me and my husband had was a normal marriage. This is so hard to face believe me it sounds crazier to me than it does to you that i stayed so long with him. I never got to know anyone or made friends as he kept me in the house basically, and i cried for years being unhappy and he made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not enjoying the 'relationship' we had. eventually i got to the point where I have told him over the last few years that i wasnt happy and that i dont want to live like this, and he starts to cry and i end up feeling bad, and retreating again into myself..

The only thing he sees or talks about for our future is more of a business relationship than anything, renting this house buying another, me getting a good job both of us making money, and he is obseesed with life extension technologies, I swear he thinks he is going to live forever.

Most of the fights we have had are over money and that is why i got the job i have now so i can make some extra money on top of the $800 he sends me each month so I can buy new clothes, something he never did for me, or go out for a dinner or do anything to try to make friends and meet people, i have been living alone pretty much for the last several years and have only managed to make one friend. And anytime i tell him about going out he accuses me of being an alcoholic??!?!!?!?!? he is really crazy in a lot of ways, and i feel like he has robbed me of the best years of my life, but like you say i let this happen somehow

i have had a couple emotional affairs over the last two years and he found out about one friend i was talking to quite a lot because of our cell phone records and again he cried. I dont talk to that guy as much anymore, but there is the new friend i made and me and him have been using a lot of minutes talking. I later found out that at this same time my husband was talking to his ex on facebook and downplaying our marriage and me. i dont know for sure if he has cheated on me but there is a hotel and mystery trip he took to another state near where near he is stationed now, and when i asked him about it he played dumb and then started kissing my ass sending me flowers etc. i dont understand why he would cheat on me i am not ugly out of shape or mean to him, i dont understand how he is happy with what we have.

it is so frustrating because i did let this happen in some ways but i honestly didnt understand much of what was going on. now that i am waking up i want some sort of restitution for the time ive lost and the money wont be coming from him though, i really dont care about money, believe me if anything i hate it because of how his obsession with it has made him, but i need to be able to survive on my own, as i said i have no family and one girl friend..

it does sound hypocritical and it feels like it in a lot of ways i hate to try and live a lie to stay in this marriage for another hour let alone another year, As i said i didnt understand or process or whatever things before but now that i see how messed up our marrigae and his values are i hate to stay, and i wish i would have come to my senses years ago.. i really dont know if i can stay, but i feel like i have no other option that is why i decided to reach out on here

[sally4sara]

There is probably something about you that his family approves of while the kind of people he would rather be with is of a character, culture, or lifestyle his family doesn't like. That is why he needs you around to play wifey at the holidays. You're his disguise.

 

You're engaging in behavior I typically would not have any respect for, but considering that you don't even have half a husband - I can see why you would end up this way. But staying in the relationship has eroded your values. Before you got married, were you someone who would have EAs or be calculating about monetary concerns to the point where you remain in an awful situation in the hopes that you'll receive some benefit to it all?

 

Get your life in order and get out. Ignore people who don't consider what you're dealing with in this situation and want to write you off as a "walk away spouse". You don't qualify for this term because you have plenty of reasons to walk away while a "walk away spouse" has little to no reason for their actions.