11 Years Gone (Long) Story

[D78]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. Thanks for sharing all of your experiences. Reading the posts has helped me so much.

 

In November, my boyfriend of 11 years broke up with me out of the blue. I was completely blind sided. He was perfect for me - so much so that I would have sworn he was made for me. There was no pressure to change anything about our relationship. We talked about what life would be like when we are 40, 50, 80... He said he never saw himself with anyone but me. I loved him so much, still do I guess.

 

Our relationship was strange - he would become very engrossed in a new interest (magic, music, etc.), and spend a lot of time doing that. When this first happened, we talked about it and he explained that he just got really wrapped up in things. I understood, as I was really wrapped up in college, then law school, the passing the Bar, then starting my law office, etc. We always found time for one another, but sometimes it was less time and sometimes it was more.

 

It was near what I thought was the end of a wrapped up with his latest hobby period that he broke up with me. We had just returned from the gym. He told me he wasn't happy and wanted a break. Actually, he tried to get me to break up with him, then danced around the issue for maybe 30 minutes, then sheepishly said maybe we should take a break. I asked "Why don't you just say you want to break up?" So he whispered "I wanna break up" while staring at the floor.

 

I was devastated. I didn't see it coming because he had lately been more caring towards me. He went out of his way to do something really nice twice in November. I didn't see his distance as anything more than the normal all wrapped up in the new hobby thing. I couldn't understand why he didn't talk to me about being unhappy, so we could have either resolved whatever it was or split in a more amicable manner. Instead, he just dumped all of the pain on me. After asking him "why" and "what did I do" several times and receiving nothing more than "you didn't do anything" in response, I just gave up.

 

It took a month for him to finish moving out and wrapping up all the loose ends (phone bill, furniture, etc.). So the last time I saw him was December 18. At first I wanted to be friends. He said it was hard because he "was kinda a **** to me," (which he immediately corrected to he "was a **** to me"), and said for me to give him time for it to be less awkward. We were friends before we dated, and I really couldn't imagine life without him. I think I said I wanted to be friends to keep him in my life in some respect. After some sage advice from my sister in law ("Exs are our exs for a reason"), I emailed him and said I didn't want to be friends after all. After that, I have followed the NC rule.

 

At first, I was in really bad shape. I actually stood in the driveway at night, crying, waiting for him to come back. Now, I just sit in my garage thinking about how I don't want to go into my house. (Car off, no worries there!) I read that I should "find meaning" in my pain, but I have no idea where to start looking.

 

I got a new hairstyle, joined a photography club, started a new mosaic, went to a few concerts, continued exercising, and learned some new songs on the ukulele. Everything he gave me and all my pictures of us together are packed into boxes and stored out of sight. I repainted my entire house different colors and rearranged my room. Today, I took the painful last step of deleting him from FB, along with 20ish of his family members who I loved, and un-subscribing and un-friending him on YouTube.

 

In the back of my mind is the fact that this is the 44th day of my new single life. Everything I see reminds me of him and I get the punched in the stomach by profound grief feeling all over again. I have yet to eat more than 1 small meal in any of those 44 days (has done wonders for my figure but makes me worry about my health). I actually woke up crying on Christmas, which is a new one for me. As the shock and anger wear off, the sadness becomes more obvious.

 

I thought if I shared my story it would help me feel better or make some sense of this. I will go back to reading the posts and being shocked by how often people do this to folks they claim to care about. Thanks for reading my way-too-long rambling. Good luck to all of you trying to mend broken hearts.

[alchemistj]

ive been there. when i was 17 my heart was torn. but later on you get to wash it all away. im 19 now ha. but still. if he did that then he does not deserve you. i know that you must feel sad and horrible. but it will pass soon. and do not let your surroundings make you remember him. that shows how you are weak.

[D78]

alchemistj - the last thing I care about right now is being weak.

 

I can't imagine how a person who loved someone completely for 11 years and got dumped for no reason could just instantly be stronger. I know that someday I will be stronger. I know it's important for me to work hard to bring that day around. I think it's best to deal with this incredible pain now rather than suppress it for the sake of being strong.

 

I'm not strong at this moment. I trusted someone and he let me down in the worst way. I loved someone and he lied to me. Somehow, he is able to shut off whatever feelings he had for me, and I still care. These things take a toll on me, and I'm okay being weak for a bit until I get over this.

 

I hope I don't sound rude, because that's not my goal here. Thanks for the kind words. I'm looking forward to the day that I forget it all.

[january2010]

I have been in your shoes. It is devastating but you've accomplished so much in a month. You need to keep going 1) because you don't have a choice 2) because eventually you *will* feel better.

 

And writing it out does help. Keeping a journal helped me to see that I'd made progress. It also helped to get the thoughts out of my head.

 

Focusing on the practicalities and building your new life will help you to move on and fill time while your heart catches up with your head.

 

And please try to eat something. You need to keep your strength up.

 

Regarding his compartmentalising, it's a coping mechanism. He is hurting but in order to cope, he's had to put his feelings aside. Trust me, you will get over this much quicker than he will because he's not dealing with his feelings. My ex was still getting upset about us long after I'd already been through that stage.

Edited December 28, 2010 by january2010

[LifeIsGreat]

If you truly can't find a reason for the breakup, then it's all on him (that coming from a man, btw). You may never know, and you will go through a period of analyzing that is going to be very difficult. Please keep this in mind--- if he has 'issues' of his own or if he's going to deal with them by breaking up with you, then you are better off without him. I know this is hard to hear right now, I truly do. However, I can pretty much guarantee this would have happened at some point anyway. 11 years is a LONG time, I agree. But it's better to happen now than maybe when your married and/or have kids. It's better now, than 15 or 20 years into your relationship. Please don't hate me for saying that.

[Graceful]

D78,

 

Sorry you're hurting and that your r/l hit the skids so suddenly for what seems to be no reason, at least to you. You're doing everything right, but the truth is, you're just going down a list right now, of what are the "suggested" actions to take after a break up. You know, rearrange furniture, get a new hairstyle, join a new club, participate in activities, etc., all the things you've been doing (again, that's great and better than sitting around moping!) -- but it's very robotic, isn't it? You have a list of accomplishments on paper, but not much to show for your pain subsiding or understanding where you're going.

 

So now it's time to get into the tough stuff and search your soul and admit the truth about your relationship, because the truth is, it was not as perfect as you have made it out to be, and the man you were with is a bit selfish. He was not really sharing his life with you, you were on the sidelines quite a lot of the time, while he was flitting from one interest to the other, but never suggesting that you do anything together. Did he ever come up with mutual interests that you could do together, or was it always about him? I don't want to harsh on you, but seriously, what did you used to do for fun with this guy?

 

Was he really perfect for you? Really?

 

There was no pressure to change anything about our relationship. We talked about what life would be like when we are 40, 50, 80... He said he never saw himself with anyone but me. I loved him so much, still do I guess.

Ok, so in eleven years, you didn't want anything to change? You discussed marriage and it was a mutual decision not to marry? You discussed children and it was a mutual decision to pass on that, too? You discussed a future and it was ok to just go on and on the way you were? You never once dreamed of getting engaged to him? You never once pictured that you were actually married to him at 50, 80, etc.? I don't get that, and I am not sure I believe it. But please, refute my conjecture, b/c I don't want to project something onto this sitch that wasn't there.

 

Our relationship was strange - he would become very engrossed in a new interest (magic, music, etc.), and spend a lot of time doing that. When this first happened, we talked about it and he explained that he just got really wrapped up in things. I understood, as I was really wrapped up in college, then law school, the passing the Bar, then starting my law office, etc. We always found time for one another, but sometimes it was less time and sometimes it was more.

This is understandable up to a point. Did it ever occur to you this guy had some form of OCD, watching him flit from one interest to another? He'd get engrossed, and then? What would happen? I've never been with anyone quite like that, so I don't have experience with it. The men I have loved have been very interesting people, and they have loved to read, so most of their "flitting" has been in reading up on things, not in completely changing channels with their interests. Sports, music (the ex-love of my life makes his living in music and the arts), computer science, hiking, etc., but I've never been with anyone who displays that extreme type of change in his interests. And not once did any of those interests include you? mmmmm.

 

You're right, it's not about you, or anything you said or did. You already know that. But there you were, for eleven, count them, eleven years, expecting life to just go on and on? If he had wanted to take the r/l tothe next level, he would have, but something was holding him back. Maybe you had set a precedent without knowing it. Here we are, in this nice tidy existence, where you go your way, and I go mine, sometimes we meet in the middle, and ... what more is there?

 

Please feel free to debate me on this next point. But you should not have been with someone for eleven years and not had a plan, not had a vision, not had an open, honest discussion and communication about your goals for the future. You just let it all "happen" -- and to my way of thinking, you took a lot for granted, as did he. Never, ever do that again. I have to assume if you knew him in college and were perhaps born in 1978, you are now in your early thirties, and feel you have nothing to show for spending eleven years with someone. You have to start over. It's not the end of the world, by any means, but you know you don't have another eleven years to spare in a romantic r/l that ends this way.

 

I don't care how old someone is when they meet (unless you are say 12 when you meet! ) --- but seriously, it's time to search your soul as to what you want, what your life goals are, and when you are ready to start to date again, which is not going to be for a while perhaps, really understand yourself. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you want a life partner, marriage, children, if that's what you want. There is also nothing wrong with being fine with a LTR, no need for a marriage license, kids, blech, whatevs. But give yourself the gift of clarity, so you can be completely honest with yourself that you are end up with someone who has the same values as you do.

 

As the shock and anger wear off, the sadness becomes more obvious.

Yes, it does. This is b/c you have gone through the motions up until now, and you're doing a great job of that, but now you need to go to the next level of your healing. There's only so much anyone can say in a few paragraphs, so all I have tried to do is give you some food for thought and a different POV on your r/l. I think you need to take off the rose-colored glasses and look at your r/l from a different perspective so you can acknowledge this guy was not as perfect for you as you may have thought he was. This will help you identify what type of man would really be a more suitable match for you in the future. Take care.

[D78]

january2010 - thanks for the kind words. I know this will get better, but it helps to have someone tell me that. I tried the journal when it first happened, but I was too confused and angry to write coherent sentences. It's probably a good time to give it a try again.

 

LifeIsGreat - I don't hate you for saying that. It's true that it's better to happen now than later.

 

Graceful - thanks for the thoughtful response. I don't know how to put the box quotes into my response...Yes, you're right about my date of birth and I'm 32. We met in 7th grade summer school and were friends throughout high school.

 

About my activities: yes, it's very robotic and just a list of accomplishments on paper. None of it is helping me feel better. I go out and do these things, and then come home and cry. Doing things helps keep my family and friends from worrying about me. They all think I need to be "out there," not to find another relationship or anything, but just so I'm not laying around crying. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, so I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.

 

About his activities: he actually went out of his way to involve me in his interests, as I did for him. I didn't go into this because my initial post was way too long. We had many different interests but also had common interests. I thought it was fun to do things with him that I otherwise wouldn't do and to learn about things I thought I didn't care about. We always both enjoyed going to concerts, community theaters, movies, playing sports, and other things. Yes, there's no question he has OCD to some extent And, he was always interested in me, too (or at least acted like it).

 

About him being perfect: obviously he wasn't perfect for me because he's gone and the way he treated me when he left was wrong. Until that day, I thought he was perfect for me.

 

I couldn't care less if we were married. I'm an attorney and I help really great people divorce all the time. We both entered the relationship knowing that we didn't want to get married, and when we discussed it over the years that didn't change. If we were married, I believe he still would have left.

 

We were committed. He called me his life partner, and said he wanted to be with me forever. I didn't ask for him to say that. I would have been happy if we stayed that way forever. I would not have been happy if my life stayed the same way forever, as I am looking forward to traveling and experiencing the world. Until now, I have been in school and starting my business.

 

I'm sure I took some things for granted, as did he. The thing is, we had great communication until the end. When one of us bothered the other, we could talk about it. At some point, each of us got the whole "you're not paying enough attention to me" talk, and we fixed it. I'm sure I could make a list a mile long of things I could have done differently over 11 years.

 

About the rose colored glasses: I had a wonderful 11 years. I loved him so much that not being with him didn't even enter my mind. I went through 7 years of school and never thought of another guy in a romantic way. He did so many thoughtful things, especially towards the end. The whole thing was rosy for me and he told me it was for him, too. Now, I know that at least some of that time was a lie and it hurts to know that I made him unhappy.

 

I am used to people not believing me about my relationship. For example, people never believe a woman doesn't care about marriage or want children. I never have. People never believe that we had a good relationship because we didn't fight a lot (the whole "no passion" idea), but we communicated well with one another so we didn't fight a lot. It is a fact that we worked well together until the end.

 

At the end it was like a totally different individual crawled into his body. He loved me on November 13th, and on November 14th he couldn't even look at me and didn't care about me. He said he needed to be alone, it wasn't me, threw most of his stuff away, and left. I don't know when he became a different person, or if he did, or why... and with NC, I will never know.

 

About searching my soul: I feel clear about who I am and what I want. I know where I want to go in my life, but I want to go alone. Thank you for the food for thought.