Lorelei69 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I'm 41 - never married and no kids even though I have always wanted both. I've been in plenty of long term relationships that have been pretty balanced regarding who has done the breaking up. I found this guy who has nearly everything on my 'perfect guy list'. He is kind, patient, financially and emotionally secure, wants marriage and kids, comes from a good family, treats me with respect and kindness etc etc. We get along very well, have a super time every time we're together and like each other's friends too. It all sounds just wonderful, right? One problem - I don't feel any chemistry with him. We've been dating for 4months now. He is 100% into me and wanting our relationship to move forward physically. I haven't been able to take that step knowing how I feel; or don't feel. Believe me - I want hot steamy sex as much as anyone! Just....not necessarily with him. I don't know what to do. I'm too old to keep waiting for the perfect guy to come along....and know full well nobody is actually perfect. So while I'm mentally ready to count my lucky stars for having found this super guy.....physically speaking - I'm missing out on the passion and great sex that is usually abundant at this point in a new relationship. I don't know whether I should move on, keep taking it slow to see if things change, or dive in whether I'm comfortable with it or not to get a fast and furious answer to my question. All we've done is snuggle, hold hands and kiss like friends. Because....I just can't seem to muster up the desire to do more than that. (no - this isn't how it usually goes for me) Help! I WANT to feel more for this man. I feel like I SHOULD feel more for this man. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm afraid I'll regret losing him in five years when I'm 'still alone'.
zengirl Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 If you don't want to jump a guy, at all, and can't see that developing, it's no fair dating him. No fair to him and no fair to you.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Well, you don't really like who he really is. You like his manners and his work ethics, maybe his sense of humor and fairness. But you don't really like HIM--the man. You're not the first to feel this and won't be the last. Either the real HIM does it for you or he doesn't. It's gonna have to be your choice. I would say try sexing him up but he sounds like he's too into you to maintain a detachment.
carhill Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Tell us about the men you have had chemistry with; the men with whom ' the passion and great sex that is usually abundant'. Specifically, have those men been '100% into' you? If so, how did they show it? Usually the answers are found in the mirror. With this one, I'd be honest. Leave him to find a lady who's 100% into him. Fair is fair.
Author Lorelei69 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 The men I've had chemistry with in the past have been 100% into me. Or at least I thought so. ?? They've generally been "tougher" guys though. More "manly". This guy is so - sweet and sensitive and gentle and....I guess I miss the rugid nature of the other guys I've dated. His hands are softer than mine!! I don't doubt his sexuality at all. I just find him a little too 'nice'. ?? I know....I'm terrible. But that's my best/most honest answer. What does it say about me that a guy who is "sweet, sensitive and gentle" seems un-manly?? Yes, I could analyze my childhood and come up with some answers. But....what do you all think?? Am I letting what I'm used to seeing in a man from my own family/upbringing guide me in the wrong direction? I certainly didn't come from the best of families so...it is possible. Yet I can't imagine spending a lifetime with a guy who I don't see as manly. ?? Oi. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions!!
Feelin Frisky Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 The men I've had chemistry with in the past have been 100% into me. Or at least I thought so. ?? They've generally been "tougher" guys though. More "manly". This guy is so - sweet and sensitive and gentle and....I guess I miss the rugid nature of the other guys I've dated. His hands are softer than mine!! I don't doubt his sexuality at all. I just find him a little too 'nice'. ?? I know....I'm terrible. But that's my best/most honest answer. What does it say about me that a guy who is "sweet, sensitive and gentle" seems un-manly?? Yes, I could analyze my childhood and come up with some answers. But....what do you all think?? Am I letting what I'm used to seeing in a man from my own family/upbringing guide me in the wrong direction? I certainly didn't come from the best of families so...it is possible. Yet I can't imagine spending a lifetime with a guy who I don't see as manly. ?? Oi. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions!! I would chalk it up to nature rather than nurture. In our furry cousins it's typical for females to idolize the maverick tough guy. We're animals too and the same thing applies. The one main thing that is different between us and them is that we can decide to live as something other than what animal nature dictates. An example would be that we can consiously elect to suspend our territorialism and err on the side of giving strangers the benefit of the doubt in the hopes that they may somehow complete us. Animals simply react to incursion into their space with snarls. We can also love and accept persons who don't conform to nature's roles quite exactly. But one has to reconcile with one's self what that means.
carhill Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 In endings, valuable insight can be gained. You evidently came to know well these 'manly' men who were 100% into you and with whom chemistry, passion and sex were abundant; what about those dynamics caused them to end? My best advice is to remember you have choices, even in your perceptions. I got married at 41 for the first time, and learned more about choices and perceptions in that ten year marriage than I had prior in those 41 on this rock. Sometimes you just have to choose. I hope it works out
creighton0123 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Am I letting what I'm used to seeing in a man from my own family/upbringing guide me in the wrong direction? I certainly didn't come from the best of families so...it is possible. Yet I can't imagine spending a lifetime with a guy who I don't see as manly. ?? Oi. Most definitely. It's only natural that you've grown accustomed to the alpha-male types. When you encounter someone who treats you like you want to be treated, you're having trouble associating a different personality type to sexual attraction. These are some hang ups that have absolutely nothing to do with him. If you have some spare cash, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist would help you determine whether there's an underlying problem or if you're just not... into him. (Don't be afraid of therapists. They're good to talk to if you have a life question you can't get beyond) At the root of it, he may simply leave you feeling.. unprotected or unfulfilled, despite how good of a lover he may or may not be. You sound like you're used to dating jocks. He seems like an archetypal sensitive artist. Both types of men are deserving of love and sex, but do not necessarily attract the same types of women.
NoLongerSad Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I'm 41 - never married and no kids even though I have always wanted both. Has it ever occurred to you that you have control over how you choose to perceive other people?
Author Lorelei69 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 In a nutshell reasons for past break ups: timing not right for one of uscheated on mehe wanted to get married and I knew he wasn't the onehe couldn't support himself let alone anyone else/a familyYes, I have usually dated jocks. This one is a computer guy. I can't honestly say a bad word about the man. He is wonderful and he adores me which breaks my heart because he deserves to be adored in return. I am not opposed to therapy and actually thought I'd try this first. An attempt at 'free therapy' I guess you could say. Next step....is the real deal. Thanks all!
Author Lorelei69 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 (edited) Has it ever occurred to you that you have control over how you choose to perceive other people? Yes, it has occured to me. Really it has. Yet I have not been able to figure out how to control my perceptions of other people. I'd very much like to learn. Edited December 28, 2010 by Lorelei69
Feelin Frisky Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 In a nutshell reasons for past break ups: timing not right for one of uscheated on mehe wanted to get married and I knew he wasn't the onehe couldn't support himself let alone anyone else/a familyYes, I have usually dated jocks. This one is a computer guy. I can't honestly say a bad word about the man. He is wonderful and he adores me which breaks my heart because he deserves to be adored in return. I am not opposed to therapy and actually thought I'd try this first. An attempt at 'free therapy' I guess you could say. Next step....is the real deal. Thanks all! You just want to want. I can totally empathasize with that. "Wanting" is often more romantic than "having". This guy is making it too easy and quick for you to have him, no? And this feels like you're missing out on the uncertainty and drama of developing a real want for him, yes? Too bad everyone isn't taught this early in life. We often throw ourselves at others who we could actually attract to us. But we have to learn to reserve ourselves and earn some mistique to cause someone else to want us.
cutiecall Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 Hi! I think chemistry is important. In my next relationship I want to have good sex and be really attracted to him. I'm somewhat in the same boat but not totally. I have been on 2 dates with a guy and at this point I feel pretty nuetral. He has only given me a peck. I'm holding back any judgements until we kiss and fool around. Then I will know if I'm attracted to him. I like it when you are so attracted to a guy that you have to force yourself to keep yourself under control. he he
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