Follies from the past

[Jannah]

I've seen a handful of threads by men who have what's referred to as Retroactive Jealousy. I don't know if it's this forum where we hear about it more often than not, but, it seems some men struggle with it.

 

It got me thinking. Are women or men more forgiving of a person's past?

 

I know for me, I would have a bigger issue in terms of trusting someone if I knew he had cheated on a past partner versus his prior physical/intimate relationships in general. Could you ever fully trust someone you know cheated in a past relationship, even if it was a long time ago, and say a one time occurrence?

 

What about other past follies. How do we forgive a person's past, when it does not directly involve the present?

[EricaH329]

This is a very interesting topic! You've read about what I had to deal with in reference to my ex.

 

In my experience, it's easier to deal with someones past as long as it doesn't interfere with the present. I was constantly surrounded by my ex's ex girlfriends, and girls who wanted to be with him, and girl he had slept with. So it was very hard for me to cope.

 

However, with the majority of my ex's, they didn't have any interactions with the people from their past. So it didn't bother me.

 

As far as cheating goes, my ex fiance cheated on every single girl he had been with. For some reason, it didn't bother me. He had told me that he was very young and stupid (which he still is, to some extent), but he acknowledged what he did and realized it wouldn't be in his best interest to continue to do that. I trusted him, therefore, it didn't bother me.

 

Plus, when it comes to cheating, I have one opinion about it. If you are going to do it, then do it. But, be prepared for the consequences. Everyone has the opportunity to cheat on another, but the consequences (and love they have for their partner) keep them from doing so. If a person doesn't care about me enough to not cheat on me, then it's best we aren't together anyway.

 

That's just my experience with it.

[january2010]

For me, it really depends. I've realised that what I thought were dealbreakers are actually negotiable to a certain extent and therefore aren't dealbreakers at all. That probably means that I have some issues regarding my boundaries when I'm in a relationship.

 

I'm working on that.

[Jannah]

This is a very interesting topic! You've read about what I had to deal with in reference to my ex.

 

In my experience, it's easier to deal with someones past as long as it doesn't interfere with the present. I was constantly surrounded by my ex's ex girlfriends, and girls who wanted to be with him, and girl he had slept with. So it was very hard for me to cope.

 

However, with the majority of my ex's, they didn't have any interactions with the people from their past. So it didn't bother me.

 

As far as cheating goes, my ex fiance cheated on every single girl he had been with. For some reason, it didn't bother me. He had told me that he was very young and stupid (which he still is, to some extent), but he acknowledged what he did and realized it wouldn't be in his best interest to continue to do that. I trusted him, therefore, it didn't bother me.

 

Plus, when it comes to cheating, I have one opinion about it. If you are going to do it, then do it. But, be prepared for the consequences. Everyone has the opportunity to cheat on another, but the consequences (and love they have for their partner) keep them from doing so. If a person doesn't care about me enough to not cheat on me, then it's best we aren't together anyway.

 

That's just my experience with it.

 

Hi E. Yes, your experience based on your ex, is perfect in relation to this thread. I know we've had discussions about this sort of thing (i.e. forgiveness) and you've inspired me in many ways. Forgiveness is something I've struggled with, something I most certainly need to continue working on.

 

For me, it really depends. I've realised that what I thought were dealbreakers are actually negotiable to a certain extent and therefore aren't dealbreakers at all. That probably means that I have some issues regarding my boundaries when I'm in a relationship.

 

I'm working on that.

 

Ditto. Sometimes, it has more to do with us, versus the other person.

 

It’s best to focus on the now.

 

True, but sometimes, it's just so hard.

[EricaH329]

Jannah , is this something you are currently dealing with? Or something you are just curious about?

[AverageJoe]

There is no reason to be sharing information about past bed partners. Nothing good will ever come of it.

 

Why people insist on this information makes absolutely no sense to me.

[EricaH329]

There is no reason to be sharing information about past bed partners. Nothing good will ever come of it.

 

Why people insist on this information makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

The past has a lot to do with a person. It tells us who they used to be, who they are now, and why they do/did the things they do. I believe it's actually helpful to fully get to understand where a person came from, and where they are now.

 

As far as details goes, well... I believe that should be left alone. But the general idea of a persons past is usually a good thing to know. IMO.

[Jannah]

Jannah , is this something you are currently dealing with? Or something you are just curious about?

 

No, I am not currently dealing with it. Just past reflection and having read some threads about this sort of thing. It got me thinking. What if a man I was involved with or in love with told me he cheated on an ex, I wonder how would I feel about that? Would it tarnish my image and/or view of him?

 

There is no reason to be sharing information about past bed partners. Nothing good will ever come of it.

 

Why people insist on this information makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

I agree to an extent. But, don't you want to know everything about your partner, including their past (less the sordid details of course)?

[AverageJoe]

The past has a lot to do with a person. It tells us who they used to be, who they are now, and why they do/did the things they do. I believe it's actually helpful to fully get to understand where a person came from, and where they are now.

 

As far as details goes, well... I believe that should be left alone. But the general idea of a persons past is usually a good thing to know. IMO.

 

I can understand your perspective, somewhat.

 

However, a persons past bed partners are none anyones business. Is it?

I am more concerned about what the future might be, not some activity that has happened in the past I have no way of changing.

 

When was the last time someone shared that information and the other party jumped up and down out of sheer joy?

[AverageJoe]

But' date=' don't you want to know everything about your partner, including their past (less the sordid details of course)?[/quote']

 

No, my ego doesnt work that way.

[Jannah]

No, my ego doesnt work that way.

 

The ego aspect, has more to do with retroactive jealousy.

 

My main view pertains to whether or not, someone committed the act of cheating in a past relationship.

 

Would you say, my issue with that, is ego based? It may very well be, but I am not exactly sure.

[AverageJoe]

 

My main view pertains to whether or not, someone committed the act of cheating in a past relationship.

 

The past does not equal the future.

 

Would you say, my issue with that, is ego based? It may very well be, but I am not exactly sure.

 

It may be a possibility. Then again, it may not. That is something for you yourself to think about.

 

Me? I dont care about what a persons sexual past might be. Its none of my business. So why would I ask? If I did, nothing good can come of it. It is just being plain nosey.

 

In regards to cheating, I have never been an advocate of "once a cheater always a cheater". Sure, there may be some merit to that cliche but in the big picture of life, I have larger things to think about.

[deebeechrisyo]

I am more concerned about what the future might be, not some activity that has happened in the past I have no way of changing.

 

Don't you think that acquiring data on past events would give you a good indication of the future? For the record, I completely agree that withholding your past number is a good thing. It never does any good. Unfortunately, women seem to become suspicious when you do, as if you are hiding some dark secret.

[zengirl]

I care about how a guy reflects on the past. A big thing for me is that I need him to know why his past relationships have failed, and he has to be able to reflect on it and understand how he's grown. Maybe that sounds like a tall order, but it's something I've learned shows the character of a man. And also something that only relationship-minded men are prone to do (especially without self-pity---they have to approach it without self-pity, that is key).

 

In most cases, I wouldn't want to date someone who had cheated in the past, but it'd depend on how they'd grown since. The overall story is more important than "dealbreakers."

 

My boyfriend and I have talked about exes, which I think is important at some point, and it's helped us form the kind of relationship we want, together, because we both know our issues with others. I could never enter into a relationship and not have a clear view of my partner's past. That said, very little of what I'm interested in knowing is about sex. Do I love envisioning my boyfriend having sex with others? No, not at all. I'm sure he doesn't love envisioning others having sex with me. That's part of life, but if you're mature, you deal with the fact that it happened without getting yourself tied up in knots about it.

 

The men who seem to get all worked up about it are either unconsciously or consciously tying sex to power, I feel, and expressing jealousy or frustration at how easy it is for women to have sex. I haven't dated anyone who was really like that, and I don't think I'd care to. All that bitterness. . . . it just feels so sordid.

[AverageJoe]

Don't you think that acquiring data on past events would give you a good indication of the future? For the record, I completely agree that withholding your past number is a good thing. It never does any good. Unfortunately, women seem to become suspicious when you do, as if you are hiding some dark secret.

 

Generic past events, yeah I think we all like to get to know someone better.

 

Yet, it is none of my concern how many ppl she may have jumped in the sack with, and who it may have been with. I dont care to know how many bj's she may have given in college. So what?

 

All that really matters is what is real in the moment. And how much potential that moment may have.

[Feelin Frisky]

I try not to know what someone's past is. I don't snoop and I question those outside of the relationship who want to interfere with gossip. A caring partner won't disclose the specifics of their past. And, I learned to not even mention certain things like race. I made the mistake of telling two someones that my longest term relationship with a black women. I don't know how much of their rotten behavior was "retroactive jealousy" and how much was racism. But it was they who could not let it go to the point that I had to let them go.

 

One of those two disclosed to me in an intimate moment that she had had an abortion. I let it go but I didn't need to know that and would have preferred not to. She couldn't live with me having a black g/f in my past. What a double-standard bitch. This still irks me many years after the fact--it wasn't like I said I had jungle fever and trawled the housing project for ghetto girls. I simply loved this one girl and she loved me--there was no reason except race not to just trade our loneliness for each other.

[deebeechrisyo]

I care about how a guy reflects on the past. A big thing for me is that I need him to know why his past relationships have failed, and he has to be able to reflect on it and understand how he's grown. Maybe that sounds like a tall order, but it's something I've learned shows the character of a man. And also something that only relationship-minded men are prone to do (especially without self-pity---they have to approach it without self-pity, that is key).

 

I like this, and it also helps the argument on why relationship experience is overrated. It doesn't matter how many relationships a man has been in if there is no introspection, he will still be overly controlling, jealous, etc. However, a sharp mind can learn much from one short relationship.

[EricaH329]

I try not to know what someone's past is. I don't snoop and I question those outside of the relationship who want to interfere with gossip. A caring partner won't disclose the specifics of their past. And, I learned to not even mention certain things like race. I made the mistake of telling two someones that my longest term relationship with a black women. I don't know how much of their rotten behavior was "retroactive jealousy" and how much was racism. But it was they who could not let it go to the point that I had to let them go.

 

One of those two disclosed to me in an intimate moment that she had had an abortion. I let it go but I didn't need to know that and would have preferred not to. She couldn't live with me having a black g/f in my past. What a double-standard bitch. This still irks me many years after the fact--it wasn't like I said I had jungle fever and trawled the housing project for ghetto girls. I simply loved this one girl and she loved me--there was no reason except race not to just trade our loneliness for each other.

 

Issues such as those, are things that I believe tell a lot about a person that you may not know in a normal dating relationship setting.

 

For example, you dating a girl outside of your race proves that you are not only not racist, but that you don't believe love comes in any particular color. You could go much further in depth than that, but i'm only lightly touching on the subject. I believe that tells a lot about a character, and it's personally something I would enjoy learning about my partner.

 

While it may not have anything to do with the relationship with your partner, it does have a lot to do with who you are. I don't understand how two people can fall in love without understanding those aspects of another person.

 

Just my two cents about it.

[EricaH329]

I like this, and it also helps the argument on why relationship experience is overrated. It doesn't matter how many relationships a man has been in if there is no introspection, he will still be overly controlling, jealous, etc. However, a sharp mind can learn much from one short relationship.

 

And that is exactly why I like learning about my partners past experiences. To understand if they have learned anything from it.

 

Personally, i'd like to be with someone who has a pretty good sense of who they are. They aren't able to get that without understanding where they have come from, why they did the things they did, and what they can possibly learn from it, without having those experiences.

[refurb]

The men who seem to get all worked up about it are either unconsciously or consciously tying sex to power, I feel, and expressing jealousy or frustration at how easy it is for women to have sex. I haven't dated anyone who was really like that, and I don't think I'd care to. All that bitterness. . . . it just feels so sordid.

 

I've noticed that guys tends to get much more worked-up about a girl's sexual past than girl's over a guy's sexual past.

 

Although I hate the way that everyone tries to reduce human behavior to "evolutionary pressures", but I wonder if it has a real impact here and may explain this observation.

 

When it comes down to passing down your genes, women never have to worry about it. If they are carrying a child, they know it's theirs. Not so with guys. And it would be a huge waste for a guy to provide for a woman who wasn't carrying his child (passing genetic materials point of view). Therefore, sexual fidelity is much more crucial to guys, thus the obsession with number of past sexual partners, etc. It's pretty universal too. Pretty much every culture labels promiscuous women in a negative way.

 

Meh... just a thought.

 

RF

[denise_xo]

I care about how a guy reflects on the past. A big thing for me is that I need him to know why his past relationships have failed, and he has to be able to reflect on it and understand how he's grown. .

 

I agree with this, and it's something I've tried to keep as a guiding principle when I've discussed my own past with potential partners. We are products of our pasts, so how we relate to our histories is important, IMO. I would like to have at least a minimum amount of information about a partner's past, not because I care about the number of women he's been with, but because I genuinely want to get to know him and what kind of person he is in different situations.

 

I would like past relationships to be something that can be discussed openly should the topic arise. In my current relationship, it's pretty much a no no to refer to my ex and I don't really like it that way, but I stick to it out of respect for my partner. My ex spoke freely of his prior relationships and it never bothered me.

[musemaj11]

Honestly Im an easily jealous person. However, I hold the belief that people are naturally fickle. So I dont trust anyone in the first place.

[Jannah]

The past does not equal the future.

 

 

 

It may be a possibility. Then again, it may not. That is something for you yourself to think about.

 

Me? I dont care about what a persons sexual past might be. Its none of my business. So why would I ask? If I did, nothing good can come of it. It is just being plain nosey.

 

In regards to cheating, I have never been an advocate of "once a cheater always a cheater". Sure, there may be some merit to that cliche but in the big picture of life, I have larger things to think about.

 

I suppose that is one way to look at it. Don't ask don't tell policy. I get it.

[zengirl]

I've noticed that guys tends to get much more worked-up about a girl's sexual past than girl's over a guy's sexual past.

 

Although I hate the way that everyone tries to reduce human behavior to "evolutionary pressures", but I wonder if it has a real impact here and may explain this observation.

 

When it comes down to passing down your genes, women never have to worry about it. If they are carrying a child, they know it's theirs. Not so with guys. And it would be a huge waste for a guy to provide for a woman who wasn't carrying his child (passing genetic materials point of view). Therefore, sexual fidelity is much more crucial to guys, thus the obsession with number of past sexual partners, etc. It's pretty universal too. Pretty much every culture labels promiscuous women in a negative way.

 

Meh... just a thought.

 

RF

 

This is not true. Pretty much every culture endoctrined in one of the major religions, particularly Western monotheistic religions (Islam is a Western religion, or is in many comparative religious classes), treats female promiscuity as a taboo. And these cultures are precisely where it came from. (Many Asian countries do too, but a lot of that is also Western influence, and imperialism, though from thousands of years ago.) A lot of this had to do with the wives of men and children being 'property.'

 

If you go back to times when our biology actually mattered. . . when it actually was about the evolution of the species. . . we were nomadic, and the women had sexual relations with many men in the tribe, and nobody really cared whose baby it was. Why? Property wasn't as big a deal.

 

The issues you speak of have nothing to do with evolutionary biology and everything to do with the concept of property, a social construct.

 

Maybe this is why I find this "defense" of male jealousy (over the past) so lame: It's sex turned into property, materialism in love, and if there's anything that's unromantic, I think it's materialism.

[mr.dream merchant]

Me personally, I find women who sleep/slept with a lot of men, to be of a certain way..they're like a wild horse in a meadow, very free spirited. A person like this, male or female, is quite the risk if you intend to get your emotions involved. So when it comes to promiscuous women, I really do try to go the other way. Due to the free spirit, and then a couple of other factors like hygiene, and health hazards.......and the fact that she's had many men inside of her orifices? ****'s kind of gross to me. When I was a year or so younger, NSA sex with them was pretty cool...but now I don't even want to touch them lol.