Questionable1 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 As I've mentioned in past threads, I've been dating a guy for about 7 weeks now and everything is great. However, my ex bf is a huge black cloud. We broke up a year ago and he continually harasses me by sending me things and contacting me via email, voice mail, etc. I've blatantly told him multiple times that I'm no longer in love with him, I've moved on, and I don't want to be in a relationship again with him BUT HE'S NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE. I'm in the process of obtaining a restraining order against him because I have reason to be slightly concerned. I have not told my current guy about this. My main concern is scaring him off. I've come up with the plan in my mind is that I'll tell him about it if something escalates such as my ex driving to my place, etc. Otherwise I don't want to unnecessarily scare him or make him concerned. But what do you all think I should do? If you were the current guy that I'm dating, would you want to know about me obtaining the restraining order? Or would you rather just want to know if I'm in danger? Keep in mind I've only known this guy for a couple of months. My ex also lives out of state, which is a good thing, but he still knows where I live.
damascus Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I think there are a few issues here: 1. Your new boyfriend will want to protect you - its a natural instinct. Think of how he will handle the situation, will he want to contact your ex boyfriend himself? Will he try to persuade you to be more forceful about the situation? 2. It may lead to some probing questions as to how the relationship turned sour, the break up etc. if you're comfortable talking about it then great (and if done carefully can even bring you closer together) but if you're not comfortable with that just yet then it may be worth waiting to tell him. 3. If your boyfriend has any cause for concern (i.e. you think your ex could be a problem/threat for your new bf) then it may be unfair not to tell him. Recently a guy I'm seeing told me about an ex of his who would stalk him after they broke up, like would go to the bar where he drinks after work every night, stand outside his house sometimes, follow him etc. For me it was nice that he shared because I feel it brought us a little closer together but more importantly the way in which he spoke about his ex was important, for example saying that while annoying and worrying, he was sympathetic and ultimately and felt empathized.
creighton0123 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I think there are a few issues here: 1. Your new boyfriend will want to protect you - its a natural instinct. Think of how he will handle the situation, will he want to contact your ex boyfriend himself? Will he try to persuade you to be more forceful about the situation? 2. It may lead to some probing questions as to how the relationship turned sour, the break up etc. if you're comfortable talking about it then great (and if done carefully can even bring you closer together) but if you're not comfortable with that just yet then it may be worth waiting to tell him. 3. If your boyfriend has any cause for concern (i.e. you think your ex could be a problem/threat for your new bf) then it may be unfair not to tell him. Recently a guy I'm seeing told me about an ex of his who would stalk him after they broke up, like would go to the bar where he drinks after work every night, stand outside his house sometimes, follow him etc. For me it was nice that he shared because I feel it brought us a little closer together but more importantly the way in which he spoke about his ex was important, for example saying that while annoying and worrying, he was sympathetic and ultimately and felt empathized. Agree with this. A couple of months of dating is more than enough time to let the current boyfriend know of previous baggage. Just let him know that you've received some harassing calls from an ex and you're in the process of obtaining a restraining order. Also, do what you can to protect yourself. Change your email, remove him from social networks, change your phone number (or block his number if on a cell phone service). Most importantly, if your boyfriend responds irrationally and tries to engage your ex, that's a huge red flag. If you ever feel threatened, even without a restraining order (say... if he leaves a threatening email or voicemail or shows up at your house) call the police immediately. It is better that your boyfriend know before hand rather than finding out when the police show up (and potentially confusing him for your ex :-P ) /hug It will all work out.
Seamless74 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I have not told my current guy about this. My main concern is scaring him off. I've come up with the plan in my mind is that I'll tell him about it if something escalates such as my ex driving to my place, etc. Otherwise I don't want to unnecessarily scare him or make him concerned. Thats a very selfish way to handle the situation, and you might very well find out that its going to backfire because when you do tell this guy hes gonna wonder what took you so long and how you might have inadvertently put him in harms way without his knowledge... Id be very pissed off... This should be brought to his attention immediately.
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