HeartOnSleeve Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 A guy I have been hanging out with for 3 weeks who tells me all the time how great I am and how much fun we have; asked me yesterday what I am looking for...a relationship or just fun. (Side note: we have not slept together). We have a great time together, compatible but I understand he is unhappy in his job and kind of wants to "grow up" a little. Moving on....I asked him what he was looking for back and he said "I really don't know anymore I have so much I want to accomplish before I get really serious with someone career wise" .I asked where these questions were coming from as we had only been hanging out for such a short time and he said " I don't want to lead you on since you are so sweet and we have so much fun together, I just really want to concentrate on getting a real job and my own place and I just don't think it's the immediate future like a serious relationship." (note: he has a great place with two roommates and a good job, just not his dream job). He then followed it up with a “I want something but I need to figure my life before I can let someone like you in". So he's in limbo, but still wants to hang out, make out (no sex), and have a friendship/relationship. My response to all of this was ....I am open to a relationship and ultimately that is what I want. So he knows what I am looking for. But I really like him and we left it that we will hang out and have "harmless make out" fun...haha and if "I" meet someone then the "fun" part will end. This is the second guy in the same age range (26-28) that I have met that am great with but they just don't have their sh*t together, even though it appears that they do to me. So is this an excuse. Should i tell him that I am not ok with just being friends with benefits (essentially that is what it is..Right?) I'd rather date him casually so at the end of the day IF we are both still around and single I'm the girlfriend candidate not the friend? I am so tired of being told how great I am and then bam, they realize after meeting a girl like me that they need to get their lives together (another great comment he made)
joeLove Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I'm a man and I'm confused about what's wrong with what he said ... He was honest and up front. Not every man wants to get married ... at the time of the relationship/friendship. Otherwise, only married intentioned people would be dating ...
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Oh there is nothing wrong with what he said...I'm just confused as to how I should really take it. I mean is he just not interested in me at all, and this is his way of avoiding saying that to me...haha. He knows I appreciate his honesty.
january2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Having been in your shoes, I found that it's a way of telling you that he is not looking for long-term with you and that if you get too attached he can pull ye olde "but I told you that I wasn't looking for a relationship" excuse. It's a get out clause for him and in the meantime he gets what he wants out of you, whether it is sex, making out, an activity partner, a shoulder to cry on, an ego boost, etc. Granted that's just one datapoint though and I don't profess to speak for all men, just the one I experienced.
Ms. Joolie Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 It sounds like you are very straight foward and settled, and you know what you want in a relationship. Congratulations, but you just may be intimidating to a lot of guys under 30! Relax and just try to have fun, find out who your date is and what that person is about. Have a good time together... And if you think he's not ready to be in a relationship with you, or he says he's not, then he's not!
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 Thanks January and Ms. Joolie!!! Needed to hear it I guess
youngskywalker Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I agree with January2010. He's giving you the heads up that down the road he's going to dump you and move on. But for now he's having fun and enjoys your company but isn't serious about a LTR.
ecm Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I'd say keep it going as long as you are comfortable. When you're no longer ok with it, get out! HOWEVER, what if he meets someone? Would you be upset? And what if you're making out with this chooch and the guy of your dreams passes you by? Just think about yourself. He was honest and that's cool, but if you want more than he does, you might be setting yourself up for heartbreak.
Enema Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I think trying to date this guy in the hopes he comes around is a waste of time. He's been pretty clear about what he wants.
carhill Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 " I don't want to lead you on since you are so sweet and we have so much fun together, I just really want to concentrate on getting a real job and my own place and I just don't think it's the immediate future like a serious relationship."Wonderful information.... Believe it. Accept it. Proceed as you feel fit.
Lorelei69 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 First, kudos to him for being an honest and open communicator. Yay! Those are hard to find. Next....while times are changing, the men still do hold the bulk of responsibility to be the provider in a family. He is at an age where his career has to come first. He is smart to recognize this! Once he has that in place, he will have the means to be a provider for a significant other and potential family. But that won't fall into place by partying like he's still in college. He has to focus on his career and make it a priority for now. He's young and it sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. If you are in a rush to move things forward with someone, perhaps you should look for an older man who is a bit more established in his career. But try not to give this guy any pressure over his good sense of responsbility and planning for the big picture vs just some instant gratification. Sounds like a keeper to me. Hang in there with him....might be well worth it!
creighton0123 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Oh there is nothing wrong with what he said...I'm just confused as to how I should really take it. I mean is he just not interested in me at all, and this is his way of avoiding saying that to me...haha. He knows I appreciate his honesty. You should take it exactly like he said. He's in a transitional phase in his life now and isn't interested in a serious relationship. Your questions about whether he is "interested in me at all" is leading - you believe that interest in you requires interest in a serious, long term relationship. He may like you, but right now he is working on liking himself. If only most men and women were this honest and mature from the get go.
Seamless74 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 having been in your shoes, I found that it's a way of telling you that he is not looking for long-term with you and that if you get too attached he can pull ye olde "but I told you that I wasn't looking for a relationship" excuse. It's a get out clause for him and in the meantime he gets what he wants out of you, whether it is sex, making out, an activity partner, a shoulder to cry on, an ego boost, etc. Yeah all that ^^ and he wants to make sure that you understand that he doesnt have alot of money to spend on activities and gifts and stuff.. So he wants to make sure your cool with basically sex, conversation, and relatively affordable activities like dont expect a fancy dinner once a week..
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