I dont understand

[isitme1]

Why is it that the person you cared about, broke up with you, and now is seeing someone else? Do they want to forget about you son enough? Did I make that miserable while we were together? I am here sitting in pain and I hurt really bad ad to hear that she has moved on really hurts me more!! I guess she realy wants to know what is out there...knowing myself I cant even get mad at her because all I want is for her to be happy!! just tired of hurting...

[2010_Sorry]

Could her new relationship be a rebound? Not sure how long you have been apart... but I think a lot of people look to a new relationship rather than dealing with and accepting the loss of a relationship... regardless of whether they were the dumper or the dumpee.

[TaraMaiden]

You have to adjust the focus.

Turn the telescope round so that she's teeny-tiny and insignificant, and that you are magnified and huge.

 

Really, spending your time wondering the whys and hows just keeps you stuck in schyt.

[WTRanger]

You don't understand because you aren't thinking about things you can understand. You need to stop thinking about her, what she's doing, where she's doing it, and who she's doing it with. You'll never understand what's in her head or why she does things.

 

But you know what you can understand? Your head, your mind, your thoughts. Thoughts in your head are like bubbles, once you spot them they are easy to pop with your finger. Once they pop, they cease to exist. Become aware of when you dwell on your ex's life, and you can start to pop those thoughts.

[Good Arms]

You don't understand because you aren't thinking about things you can understand. You need to stop thinking about her, what she's doing, where she's doing it, and who she's doing it with. You'll never understand what's in her head or why she does things.

 

But you know what you can understand? Your head, your mind, your thoughts. Thoughts in your head are like bubbles, once you spot them they are easy to pop with your finger. Once they pop, they cease to exist. Become aware of when you dwell on your ex's life, and you can start to pop those thoughts.

 

Absolutely great post.

 

I've been trying to get my ex off my mind. It's so hard, when you feel you desperately want to make sense of (a) what went wrong; and (b) how she's moved on without you. There is no sense to it. We just have to recognise when we're thinking those unhelpful thoughts and try and make a conscious effort to extinguish them.

[isitme1]

well I i just gt off the phone w/her...It was more like a closure call...even called her out on the new guy she has gone on dates with...we broke up on 12/06...she started talking to him after we talked about the break...I didnt want it of course...but i told her that am letting her go in order for her to find out what she wants in life...I told her that I cared about her that much and I loved everything about her that I needed to do that in order for us to be ok...dont get me wrong I still blame myself for pushing her that way...she denies that..she said its nothing I did..I dont get that...but its maybe how I can find closure...I would do anything t reconcile w/her but it will bring me more misery if I hang on to that...I see in my head on what I need to do..but able to grab it is the hard part...NC starts now for me..that's what i need to do...

[IfiKnewThen]

You have to adjust the focus.

Turn the telescope round so that she's teeny-tiny and insignificant, and that you are magnified and huge.

 

 

i like that saying. i will try to remember that one myself.

 

 

i too think about what hes doing now. especially since he just got married 8 days ago. and bought a house and has a new child. (from her past marriage). and i see all these pictures in my head and think wow..they must do this and that. omg ..but i try to refocus and try to squash those thoughts. then i go back to blaming myself and saying to myself..i should have told him i really loved him inbetween when he broke it off till now. fought harder for him, instead of just cried and then withdrew and act lkike it didnt bother me when it seriously did. i think youre handling it good. i like how you did tell her you loved her. dont play games out of sheer fear like i did. so afraid..walking on egg shell with him. i should have been comfortable in my love for him and tell him i am sorry i failed to show him enuff before he broke up with me and want to show him now if only he would forgive me and let me. 6 months after the break up he got married. 4 months after meet her he got married.

 

love them completely while you have the chance..even if it means swallowing your pride. i know therer are circumstances where that doesnt apply. but if you failed them. it DOES apply

[isitme1]

well I keep doing it to myself...we talked again...i did what I could to ruin everything...now i get the whole "we are not right for each other" we talked about that...the I get "we are not right for each right now"...i didn't give her space and I didn't...of course I should of left it alone but I am a dumbass...now she is gone...nothing I can do about it now...just got to move on frm here...NC for sure...i acted like a selfish individual and possibly ruined any reconciliation if there was one...again follow the guides here!!! i didn't and now i am suffering the consequences...

[isitme1]

well i went overboard...red sirens when off on what i did...she gave me the we are not right for each other...i am not the right person for her...went back to question everything we did together then ask her to say it...she couldn't...basically we left off on a bad note...she wot take my call now...been texting her...i pushed her away and now she is gone for good...i am a big dumbass to say the least...i feel hopeless, sad, & more upset w/myself to go off the deep end...i am embarrassed myself also...i am a prime example on what not to do...

[Jeff M Stevens]

You weren't a dumba$$ as you say, you just were STILL operating under the FALSE HOPE, absolutely FALSE HOPE that she wanted you.

 

When she said "I want a break," you were OUT then. There is NOTHING you did to damage things with her because it is impossible to damage something that doesn't exist, namely her feelings for you.

 

I don't blame you man, you are going through a grieving process but I hope this can teach you for the next girl that going back and breaking NC after hearing the words "I need a break" or "I need space" means it's done for life.

 

You were beating yourself up in the post like "I pushed her away forever by not giving her the space she wanted"

 

BS!!!

 

She was GONE FOREVER when she uttered the words "I need a break"

 

There is nothing you did since then or will do in the future to alter the fact that she left you forever after uttering those words.

[Jeff M Stevens]

To respond to your original posting, we teach guys not to care why they do what they do. It is your ego talking to you in a bad way when you say to yourself: "How can she just move on so soon.........NO, its IMPOSSIBLE"

 

I know, I've been there before...the ego is a DANGEROUS thing for guys because it tells you stupid stuff like "I really love her, she must love me back...she has to love me back because of how much my feelings for her are, the new guy won't treat her half as good and she'll realize I was the man"

 

Again, BS

 

We teach guys to BOTTOM LINE things. Bottom line? She left your relationship for dead on the side of the road with the "I need a break" line then shacked up with another dude.

 

You're about to drown in your own tears and she's out with the other guy LAUGHING WITH HIM, KISSING HIM AND HAS FORGOTTEN YOU EVEN EXIST.

 

Sorry, not trying to hurt you but that is THE TRUTH. Once they are done with you, you are in their rearview and you are fading fast.

 

You could have multiple fractures on the side of the road and she'll step over your body to get a tissue for her new guy that has the sniffles.

 

Extreme example? Not really!

 

It doesn't matter WHY she did it because she DID IT and you now have to move on to a new girl that deserves you.

 

I know it's hard but you are DEAD IN THE WATER with her and the sooner you can reconcile that, the sooner you can find someone to care about you.

[isitme1]

what makes it even worse that the new guy is a person that she works with...I am trying to so hard to let go and not think about it...I guess it will take time...also she works 4 blocks from my office so it makes it even tougher...

[Good Arms]

My ex works in my workplace, and I suspect that she's seeing someone who worked here over Christmas - this just over a month from dumping me. It does make things so much harder when you see her around, I know how you must feel.

 

Just do your best to maintain strict NC, restrict yourself to a simple "hello" and a smile if you're forced to walk by her sometime, and do your best to let her go... if it's anything like me it's going to take time, it's the hardest thing in the world, but we're all here for you, and try and find some comfort that you're not the only one going through this agony.

[Jeff M Stevens]

It is essentially like a "death" in that you are grieving. The poster above is right, you are not alone, you will get through this and NC is the way to go.

 

Just give yourself time to heal.