Rdbrdb Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Hai folks! Sorry about doing this, not a fan of joining sites to ask questions but this is seriously bugging me now. After a difficult break-up and a couple of months of no contact with females I decided I'd bite the bullet and try a dating site. I didn't take it too seriously, and if I contacted anyone I wasn't after anything, just a chat and a laugh. Things changed though, I started speaking to a girl and me and her clicked. After texts, phone calls and internet conversations, we met in person and spent the day together. Nothing happened this first day, but the week after we met again and we kissed. Things moved pretty faced from then on, we ended up sleeping together the week after that, and it's been a regular thing since then. We're extremely close, talk all day, meet every few days, hold hands and kiss in public, she came to mine over Christmas and we spent it together - everything you do in a relationship. The only problem is if I ask her out she instantly says no and that she's not looking for anything, but her actions don't match her words. Today she told me she still has feelings for her ex who she broke up with, it was a long relationship and since then he's been in almost constant contact with her, he pretty much won't leave her alone and he's absolutely vile to her. She said she doesn't want him back but wants to remain friends. I understand this though, and have said I have no problem in waiting until everything is sorted before we take it any futher. She's not used to how I am; she's never really been appreciated or anything, so she's not used to me being nice to her - every compliment I give her she ignores and takes it as something I say to everyone. She doesn't feel good enough for me at all, saying she feels pressured to be so good because I think she's amazing but she knows she isn't etc, but I don't really want her to be anything other than herself. She confuses me a lot, sometimes she'll refer to me as her boyfriend and we're constantly coupley, but other times she'll throw out comments such as 'we aren't together not even a little bit' or 'I'll sleep with who I like it's my life' and 'I didn't mean to lead you on, didn't think you actually felt anything for me just thought you wanted sex'. These little mood swings are upsetting though and I don't think she realises it. I'm certain it's because her ex was very controlling and still is, constantly asking her where she is etc; if he's not texting her he's texting her mom asking where she is and things, but she takes it out on me and shuts me out and it's driving me mental. I've really fell for this girl, and I'm more than willing to wait for her to sort her head out, but part of me thinks this is going to be doomed and I'm just waiting to be hurt. Anyone got any thoughts?
catgotyourtongue Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Hi i am eager to hear responses, as I have seen many many "men" do this lately, shoe on other foot and it's baffling. What I can say is the mixed messages are very mixed....highly, push pull and that is a red flag. I dont know if she is using you or just hurt and wounded and does not know how to handle a good man, but either way, watch and protect your heart. Hopefully she is not taking advantage of your good nature. Is she giving and nice, and present, or is it mostly you giving to her? The ex boyfriend thing is a little unsettling, and it seems she really needs to get her stuff together, and a little more figured out, before she is in something heavy. Yes she is giving you big mixed messages. I hate that crap, lol hugs and good luck
Author Rdbrdb Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 She's always the one who makes first contact, I've never called her but she calls me once a day or so. If I don't text her within an hour or two my phone will gradually fill with unread texts - I don't mind, the opposite actually, I like to have something to read on my breaks at work! I always hint at meeting up with her, but she jumps at the chance and will often stay for as long as she possibly can. The ex thing is annoying, but they've only been broken up a month and a bit and he cheated on her numerous times, and as soon as he found out about me he sent her a text saying 'You're a fat, disgusting, ugly slut' etc etc. He knows how to wind her up and I'm sure that's whats keeping her getting too close to me - every time she wants to take this further he'll upset her a little more and she'll distance herself. I've been hurt and used many times in the past, so much so that I'm extremely guarded around people, especially girls, but she's different, I trust her and that's something I haven't done for a long time, I just can't help think I might be wasting my time.
catgotyourtongue Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Hi there Well first of all, congratulate yourself for coming here to a forum and looking for insight, it's a great place to get guidance or input and others opinions. I am thinking, from where I sit, she is too new with the breakup, and has not had any time to heal, or deal. It seems like it is easy to lean on you and get all this awesome positive reinforcement. She seems to want immediate gratification and hopefully you are NOT a pawn in a game to get him back, or just to build herself up from being hurt. There is no worse position that being the guy, or girl, right after a breakup, a bad one, and not knowing what to think. I think you should consider really protecting yourself, getting your head together, and not just being at her beck and call, every whim. I am not at all suggesting you play games, it's not me, and i would not advise it, but you may really want to step back and take it easy. She seems to be in a lot of pain or uneasy situation with her ex, and it is very soon to date, and try to sort out new and old feelings, for your both, as you said you too are out of something heavy recently.Take a chill pill maybe and slow it down and dont let anyone put you in a position of having to be a savior...its a sucky spot. You sound like a nice guy, and this sounds sticky and complex, and you might be walking right into another fire...not sure. not blaming her, but guess you need to think about whats really going on, vs what you want to happen. Are you a crutch for her, or does she have real feelings? you dont know really....but the hostile ex screams red flags. Not a healthy position for any of you really....perhaps If she wants out of the relationship with the ex, she needs to block his calls or change her number, unless of course they are kids, etc. She is putting you in the middle..it seems. Bad spot to be in. stick around and digest help on this board..and just try and sit with things a little and not rush to have something deep with someone this deep in issues with her ex...... (hugs)
Author Rdbrdb Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Thank you for your kind words and such, it's easy asking friends what they thing, but I just get 'Go find someone else to sleep with and get over it'; no one can see jt how attached I've become, so it's nice to get advice from someone different! If I am someone to lean on I by no means think she's doing it on purpose. She did say that there isn't a chance she would get back with him, but sometimes she'll still talk as if she's with him still. I've been in and out of relationships for the past 10 years - I've been single for about 4 months now and it's the longest I've ever been single which is ridiculous. I by no means wanted a relationship, but then I met her and I felt different. I wanted time to be single and enjoy not being tied down because I always have been, but again, she came along and things changed. I've told her to go no contact with him until it sorts out, but she ignores it when I say it - his name is still under a pet name on her phone, I'm still under my full name, and that alone gets to me. I want to take a step back, but I know she'll come around in the week, I know something will happen and I know as soon as she goes home I'll miss her and wish she was still there. It's mega hard to say no when I'm falling so fast, I just wish she could give me an answer to how she feels for me, really. Thank you again!
catgotyourtongue Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 You are very welcome. Something in your earlier post struck me as odd. If this ex is vile and horrible to her, and calls her names, etc, why on earth would she want to stay friends with him?? Sounds so backwards.... So it sounds like you are ready to have something real, and maybe it's just too much too soon for her. She is very recently out of a heated relationship and it's pretty hard to think straight and move forward without bringing all the hurt, pain, love anger, memories from the past when the past was just a month away....her past is very new.... You all may have something wonderful, and deep, but she is obviously hurting from this ex, and often it backfires to get into something deep when you are so deeply torn up from your last one, which does not sound like it really is over. I am friends with a lot of my ex's, good friends, but none of them had the dynamics that your girfriend/and ex have.... I am not blaming her, either. If you are abused emotionally and have had someone make you feel less than, and worthless, then it's hard to believe a good guy will love you, and she is struggling on several levels it seems. I used to be that girl a long time ago, and I could not really let anyone love me. It takes time....give her some time....maybe glad you are aboard the love shack train...hope it helps.... Thank you for your kind words and such, it's easy asking friends what they thing, but I just get 'Go find someone else to sleep with and get over it'; no one can see jt how attached I've become, so it's nice to get advice from someone different! If I am someone to lean on I by no means think she's doing it on purpose. She did say that there isn't a chance she would get back with him, but sometimes she'll still talk as if she's with him still. I've been in and out of relationships for the past 10 years - I've been single for about 4 months now and it's the longest I've ever been single which is ridiculous. I by no means wanted a relationship, but then I met her and I felt different. I wanted time to be single and enjoy not being tied down because I always have been, but again, she came along and things changed. I've told her to go no contact with him until it sorts out, but she ignores it when I say it - his name is still under a pet name on her phone, I'm still under my full name, and that alone gets to me. I want to take a step back, but I know she'll come around in the week, I know something will happen and I know as soon as she goes home I'll miss her and wish she was still there. It's mega hard to say no when I'm falling so fast, I just wish she could give me an answer to how she feels for me, really. Thank you again!
Author Rdbrdb Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 Well, hey again. I decided to keep at it and see how it went; which is why I haven't responded for the last few weeks! Over christmas we fell out over her ex, she walked away and we left it. This lasted less than week, we met as friends and that soon changed, and a few days later we were sleeping together again. All was going well until Saturday, we were getting closer, her ex had become a none issue and she told me she had fell for me. She referred to use as 'a relationship' twice on Friday and I thought it was time to ask her where this was going. I did so, on Saturday and she instantly said 'we're just friends, nothing more'. That same night I went out with an old friend and got very drunk, by that point she had started being nice again, in fact she was being lovely, and being in the state I was I sent her an 'I love you text'. The first thing I did when I woke up was apologise for it and told her not to take it as anything other than a drunken text. I didn't get a reply, I text her and called her a few times that day with no answer, until night came and she text me saying 'Boo hoo you're upset, should have thought about that before falling for me'. The last couple of days I've had equally short and snappy replies, up until last night. She told me she's going to Tenerife to get away from everything. She said she'll be a month tops, and she's going next week. To make matters worse, I had a family emergency last night, and I needed someone to talk to. When I asked her to talk, she said 'I'm not your girl, try somene else xx'. Seconds after she text me saying 'Or call *Insert girls name*'. Basically, she had been on my Facebook, saw that a girl had commented on a photo of me with a flirty comment and acted jealous. This is a world away from how she had been speaking to me all weekend, one point she said 'I don't love you, not even a little bit. I wouldn't care less if you got with someone else tomorrow because I haven't let myself get attached'. Everything she says she contradicts herself, and now she's running off abroad and speak to me let alone see me. Pretty much my entirity of my friends have told me to walk away before she hurts me anymore, but I keep going back and trying to sort it out. Am I kidding myself? Sorry folks.
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