noditzyblond Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I met a man 10 years ago for a fwb arrangement. now it been 10 years and still going. We have developed a friendship, respect for the others career, and enjoy talking about politics and other non sexual things. I am in a bad marriage thet has many complications and I cannot leave at this point. He has a live in gf since I met hime who is very attractive, younger than me and works in adult entertainment. I have a full queen latifa figure.. totally opposites physically. I am 10 years older than them both. We text and email and spend a good deal of time telling each other what we love to do and we love about and all sorts of love wrapped around the time we spend together... be we dont say I love you...We only phyically get together once a month, but communicate almost daily. When I was looking for a home last year he suggested I move in his neighborhood so we could see one another more. He also tell me he thinks of all the amazing sex we have had and how much he loves how open I am. He also says he hopes we see one another for years to come. When he talks about us it s"us" or "we", not me and you... I have been really happy with the relationship for what it was and really have worked hard to keep bounderies, as does he. But my marriage has become extremely miserable and as I result I find myself thinking of him and how compatable we are sexually and how we have the same views in many areas etc. Which suddenly has me falling for him when I have been very careful to not allow myself this. Despite us having an affair, which I realize is very deceitful, I am always very honest with him about everything. But the thought of telling him mortifes me becuase it could end our relationship.. maybe.... I know he is unhappy at home as well. It could go either way. So should I tell him my feelings are changing? He know my marriage sucks and I am unhappy but generally we dont discuss each others SO. If there are any guys here I would welcome your input. I am not looking for people to judge my situation, everyone has an opinion. I am interested in people who have insight and past experiences that could help me make a decision. Thanx
newpriorities Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Hi and welcome to LS. I had a somewhat similar experience, FWIW and can give my two cents. First, the sexual chemistry that exists in these situations is almost impossible for anyone to understand without have experienced it. I thought I had a good sex life with my H before my A, but wow, was I wrong. My A lasted 3 years and the passion/sex just kept getting better and better. Some will argue it is because of the illicit nature of an A, but I disagree. My xMM and I were just able to be that open with each other and just had that chemistry that was mind blowing and cannot be made--it just was there. Now, prior to my A starting, my H was already living in a separate room, our M was not good and I was able to keep boundaries around the A. But, after 2 years, my H and I finally decided it was best for him to move out and that's when the boundaries began to change, for me. I found myself more and more emotionally attached to my AP and falling really hard for him. He was unhappy at home (or at least that is what he always said) but we never discussed a real "future" for us together. Anyways, the balance shifted and although he said he loved me like no other, once I had fallen so hard, I just couldn't take the constraints/boundaries anymore and eventually ended it. I do believe it is always better to take the risk and be honest, otherwise if you gunnysack your feelings, they will bubble up in some part of your life and cause difficulties for you. Best wishes on your journey!
Author noditzyblond Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 The sex is amazing after 10 years.. we both agree we have never met anyone else even close. And for us sex is an impotant part of the equation. I am in my own room at home now as well. BH is so critical and sarcastic with everything I say or do, all my friends, that I spend as little time as possible with him. I am so wanting to live alone, by myself, and he knows that. Maybe telling him and if it seems threatening I could remind him I want to live alone.
BB07 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 After ten years with someone I find it sad that you are afraid to tell him what you are really thinking and feeling. I truly don't mean to be snarky or mean with my comment, I do really find it sad.
Author noditzyblond Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Like I said, everyone has an opinion. I think it is becuase I have worked hard to keep things fun and friends.. it was our original agreement. I was just sticking to it. I just had no idea it would last this long and we would continue to enjoy each other so much. Recently there has been a shift in my feelings and I think I am trying to come to grips with it myself...
BenThereDunThat Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I think you're right to worry that telling him how you feel could end the relationship. You're wanting to change the rules, rules that have worked for 10 years now. I'm sure your feelings for him are genuine but it's too convenient to really fall for him now that you are miserable in your marriage. Speaking from a strictly non-judgmental, devil's advocate POV: If I were him I would resent having that put on me after 10 years. You don't talk to each other much about your SO's. That leaves way too much room for assumptions on how happy he is, or isn't, in his relationship. If you are ready to leave your marriage, do it without involving the FWB.
Carrot2000 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I am in my own room at home now as well. BH is so critical and sarcastic with everything I say or do, all my friends, that I spend as little time as possible with him. I am so wanting to live alone, by myself, and he knows that. Maybe telling him and if it seems threatening I could remind him I want to live alone. Maybe it's time to focus on ending your marriage, not your feelings for OM. You should want to be happy whether you are with him (OM) or not, and it sounds like your marriage is hell.
BenThereDunThat Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I was too late to edit my own post. My last line should read: do it without any expectations of your FWB changing beyond what it already is. And by any, I mean NONE.
Author noditzyblond Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 Thanks for all the imput. To answer some of the questions, while we dont talk about each others SO, we do talk about homelife in general. I know he isnt happy and hasnt been for a while. If and when I leave my husband it will be strictly for me. I will also never remarry. He is aware of this as well. Any yes its no coincidence my interest in him has increased as my marriage has bottomed out. Thanks to everyones insight I will back off and keep things as they have been...
Recommended Posts