An unhealthy attraction to "the challenge".

[suddendumpee]

So in the course of reflectiion over my last failed relationship, I have realized a troubling truth. The 2 women in my life I have fallken head-over-heels for, were the move difficult to "conquer". (ie. fiercely independent or not ready to settle-down types).

 

I know the thrill of the chase is part of the fun and attraction building process, but this can't be a healthy habit. Chances are that the chase id occurring because the other operson does not love you like you love them.

 

I realize that the women who have loved me the most are the ones who were always wondering "What's going on between us?" In contrast, the ones I have loved the most are the ones who left ME wondering the same.

 

Hoiw unhealthy is this? I'm hoping this is just because I haven't met the right person at the right time. Has anyone else noticed this about themselves? Seems when I give it my all, they don't want it...and when they give it their all, I'm not interested. So frustrating.

[Fern]

It's just human nature to place more value on something you had to work harder for. Maybe in your next relationships with women who play a bit hard to get you should dial it back a little. Not wear your heart on your sleeve so much. Let it be more equal between you in terms of the effort you put in. The harder you try - the less hard they have to and the less value they place on you.

 

Don't think of it as playing games - just as not selling yourself short.

[paleblue]

I’ve done that before… chased women who are on the run, instead of ones who are available. I think its good you are recognizing this behavior now. I know I have. I dial it back and say to myself, I'm letting this one go.

 

My dignity doesn’t allow me to over extend myself like that anymore. It’s either 50/50, or hit the road. Even if you do get one like that, it not all it’s cracked up to be. They are not any more special than anyone else. In fact I find them more difficult to deal with. It’s exhausting and its always a power struggle.

 

Now when I hear those words “I’m independent” it’s an instant Red Flag to me. Well my dear, Yes , you are a big girl, but no matter how independent you are, everyone needs someone. .. Big difference between independent and interdependence. They just dont get it...yet.

[carhill]

How unhealthy is this?

 

It should be patented as unhealthy and my picture should be a part of the patent sketch.

 

'Challenge' dynamics aren't the only unhealthy ones but the good news is they are often the most obvious to spot and avoid.

 

Be especially careful of those who express the *want* of avoiding such dynamics but apparently are *attracted* to them like a moth to a flame. It's great information.

[mikeey]

Just to explore a related tangent....once she was gone "The Challenge" in my mind was to attempt to remedy things.....despite the fact that she (unbeknownst to me) was already well into (probably a year) a cheating relationship with another guy. This "Challenge" consumed me for four entire months...it became my drug.......and she didn't help matters either because she even had the audacity to lead me along...right up until I put an end to it when I finally realized that she had no sincere intention of getting back together. All that I've got to say is ....there are better "challenges" out there than these totally delusional ones. Stay clear!

[NeNinja]

Here's what is healthy:

 

You've realized what's going on. You've realized you are attracted to a certain kind of girl/woman and that that type of girl/woman is not the best kind of girl/woman for you to date.