Panic Attacks and Sucide thoughts after breaking up

[iforgotmyname]

Dear all, Thanks for reading m story.

 

 

I've been together with this girl for 4 years. I love her. I've never scolded her and I've always send her back home after every date. We share the same interest and have alot in common. She always asked me if I will forget her and leave her someday, and I always told her that will never happen.

 

As an artist, I'll always draw stuff to surprise her. I drew her favorite soft toys and printed them on t shirts and water bottles for her.

 

Every single day, I would thank god for blessing me with this wonderful girl and I told myself I'm very grateful and I'll always cherish her.

 

I exercise regularly to get in good shape because of her, I eat regular meals because of her, I worked hard in my job because of her. I want to earn enough money so that I can propose to her.

 

My dream is to be able to see her everyday. Her face would be the last thing I see before I sleep and the first thing I see when I woke up. That is my dream.

 

However, one month ago, she suddenly told me she felt more and more distant from me and she want to spend some time apart. A few days later, she told me she fell in love with another guy.

 

I was devastated. I had a panic attack and I almost killed myself by running towards in coming traffic. I felt like I was trapped in this nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I want to run back to the time and space when we were happily together but I can't.

 

I managed to pull myself together, thinking that I could win her back. I stop contacting her for 1 month. We promise not to call each other for 1 month and we will meet again on Christmas.

 

For that one month, I tried my best to win her back. I printed out 2500 photos of us, and I used it to form a photo mosaic of her face. I kneel outside her favorite pancake store and beg the store owner to teach me how to bake the pancakes. I spent all my savings on those things.

 

On Christmas day, I showed her the 5m by 5m photo mosaic and the pancake that I made for her. She cried.

 

But she still dumped me. She said if I have done that 1 few months ago, it might have worked.

 

I don't know what to do now. I can't do anything. I realize that everything I do, I was doing it for her. And now I no longer have the reason to do anything. I felt like dying.

 

I fought my emotions in the day but every single night I would dream about her. When she smile at me in the dreams, I would wake up realizing that it isn't real. It is like I have lost the most important person in my life, and I got her back again and I lost her again. Every night I'm going through the same thing for the past one month. It is like someone taking a knife and stab me multiple times.

 

Every night I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid to have the same dream again. But then I found out i was not really afraid of sleeping and dreaming. I was afraid of waking up. I don't want to wake up finding that the dream is not real.

 

I don't want to wake up. Not in a world without her.

 

What should I do?

[Capital P]

Your whole life was based around her. Thats not attractive to a woman.

 

You need to ignore her and show her you can live without her

[iforgotmyname]

That was what I thought too.

 

But she told me she felt uncared and unloved for in the past few months.

 

For the past few months, I was busy with a career changing competition, and she was busy with exams. I tried not to disturb her by calling and texting her everyday. I thought that I might appear too clingy to her if I did that.

 

But she said that is part of the reason why she left me. Because I did not care about her enough for that period.

 

Her words made me feel that I'm responsible for her liking someone else.

[AbsoluteSucker]

I hope posting your thoughts was of some help, because its hard and not going to get better over night. On some level, you have to take solace in the fact that you did the best you could with the girl and it just didn't work out. You didn't do anything wrong and its unfair for her to say that. People have to work, it's part of life and a partner in a relationship needs to understand that. If she was feeling lack of attention from you then she should have said something, instead of using it as an excuse to break-up. You got absolutely sucker punched in the gut and now it feels like that 24/7. It's going to take minute for these feelings to start to subside.

 

I know it feels like you're in a bad dream, it doesn't seem real or possible. As an artist, you have a form of expression that can possibly help. While I can't say it's a good idea to make your work about her, you can express your sadness, anger, and anxiety in a way that may be a little helpful, but it just takes time and the best thing to do is post your thoughts and anger and just get it out.

 

Don't contact her, as hard as it may be. Just do your best to focus on something and have small intermittent goals involving work or something else that is productive. You just saw her, so things are fresh, but it's going to slowly get better, trust me.

Edited December 27, 2010 by AbsoluteSucker

[iforgotmyname]

I tried to do other things, things that I usually do.

 

I realized that whenever I did all those things, I was thinking about her. When I went to the gym, I thought about her. When I draw, I had her in my mind. She is like the fuel for me, for whatever things I do.

 

I should have been more selfish. I should do all those things for myself and myself alone. I should not have told myself how grateful I am for being together with her. I should not have love someone so much till the point I have given up everything.

 

I lost my career as I thought it cost me this relationship. I told the studios I would never draw again.

 

I lost all my savings, as I used them to try and win her back.

 

I lost the drive to do anything, cos she was the reason for me to do all those things.

 

I've lost everything.

 

I don't think I can love anyone again. I would not do all those things again. I'll not trust anyone anymore. Never again will I make someone the pillar of my life. Cos that pillar just collapsed and now my whole life is in shambles.

[AbsoluteSucker]

She is going to stay in your thoughts, man; whether you are working, in the gym on vacation whatever. It's normal, I'm going through it, others here are going through it and it doesn't make sense. It's illogical and I'm terribly sorry about the money and the career, but those are things that you can get back and need to focus on. All is NOT lost, but it's the little things that are going to begin making this better.

 

Loving again will happen and its impossible to imagine that at the moment, so don't, things are way to fresh to be thinking about that. Love is something you don't plan, it just happens, and when it does happen it will be unexpected and great. It will come out of nowhere and it will take while, but it is going to happen, whether you want to believe me or not.

 

I know you say you can't draw right now, but it's productive and healthy, I think. That's the beautiful thing about art, or writing or painting, whatever. Just draw how you feel and if you don't like it throw it out and draw another one. if you think they're good put them in a closet, where you can't see them and do something with them when you're ready.

 

Just keep posting your thoughts and we're all going through similar stuff here. Offer advise to someone else on here, it helps. You know, I'm supposed to be working right now, but spending my time on here trying to make sense of what I'm going through and trying to get at least a little work done during the day to stay somewhat productive. It's a process.

[tobydog]

How old are you?

[iforgotmyname]

I'm 25.

 

Thanks for your advices.

 

I just found out what might be wrong with me.

 

I do the right things, but in an unhealthy way. I would go to extreme lengths just to reach my goal.

 

In school, I would study all day long, and imagine all my schoolmates as competitors instead of friends. I got good grades, but I ended up with no friends and an unhealthy body. I was only 39kg when I was in high school.

 

In the army, I wanted to gain weight and I forced myself to eat and workout. I eat so much that often I will puke after meals. But I still force myself to eat. I gained 10kg in 3months time. Before I know it I went from 39kg to 63kg. But I started to have gastric after abusing my stomach that way.

 

When I'm in love, I gave my whole soul to her. And now when she is gone, I felt like dying. I should love her, without losing myself. I should not think about her everyday. I should not have make her the pillar of my life.

 

Right now, I'm feeling much better. I'm fighting the temptation to think about her. It is like I'm trying my best to block her out of my mind.

 

I manage to did that yesterday. But somehow I would always dream about her when I sleep. And when I dream about her, the emotions came rushing back and I woke up feeling miserable and trapped again.

 

Any ideas on how to stop myself from dreaming? Will sleeping pills help?

[durkadurka]

Look up 'co-dependent'

 

I think you're super desperate and your live revolved around her, that's never happy.

 

Adding to the problem is the fact neither you, nor her, recognized the signs and ran each other into the ground.

 

Things will fade in time but you need to be busy and distract yourself.

[AbsoluteSucker]

Dude, there is nothing wrong with you, you're just going through a life experience and learning. As long as you know that your an extremist, just try to channel that into positive things and thoughts. The dreams will come and go, but stay away from the sleeping pills during this time, at some point your body will force you to sleep, but using pills or alcohol is just going to add problems to problems.

 

You can say you shouldn't of done things, we all think that way about our specific situations, but they can't be changed and you can't dwell on that. Like I said this is a learning experience and an unfortunate situation, but just keep expressing your thoughts in some productive manner. You can't control your thoughts only your actions. You have to be aware of the productive and unproductive and choose the right path.

[dmncoldworldgrl87]

I know how u feel and i'm right there with u...my ex was my whole life, i would hang out with him everyday and we did everything together...i think that why he started pushing himself away from me cause too much of one thing can be bad...when we broke up i didnt kno what to do with myself....i cried for days on end, i wasn't eating or sleeping, i kept having panic attacks while driving and envisioning myself getting into an accident just so that he would go to the hospital to visit me. I felt like i was going crazy and i felt out of control of my thoughts and feelings. i would go over there and just cry to him but i could just see in his eyes that he just didnt care about me in the same way anymore....i am currently in NC with him except for xmas when i text him merry christmas but i shouldnt have even done that at all....hang in there and just keep reading all these posts and other posts on the site, its been really helping me get through this rough period and know that ur not alone in this we are here for u....