fooled once Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 HEY jj!!!! I was thinking about you last week and wondering how you have been. I am hoping that work has kept you so busy that you haven't had time for LS, which would mean business is good and you are kicking *ss!!! Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. xMM (if he can even be called that years later) has been very keen to see for the past few weeks. I have no idea why and with our work connection its not possible to ask so I just assume its about work. And of course because he misses my friendship. We were above all the best of friends until the aftermath got sticky. Suddenly our past seems distant. Like any other ex boyfriend. Im tired of being on guard with him, tired of being defensive when I am in contact with him, tired of all the nonsense that goes along with defending against ??? its been over for so long there is nothing to defend against. I do care about his wellbeing hope he is happy etc etc. I miss what we had alot at times, but I no longer imagine there is any way of us ever having a future together. If he ever left i would be more shocked than anyone and I am not sure I could ever trust him the way I once did. Ironically I now feel the same way about him that his wife does... except I still think he's hot and apparently she doesnt (from 3rd parties not from him) I dont ever see him leaving. I think he likes to toy with the idea especially around the holidays when he is with his wife for longer than usual. (its always summer vacations and christmas that makes him nostalgic for what he lost with me) Predictable after all these years as clockwork. Too much time at home and he is desparate to see me. Not sure why and it hurts my brain to think about it anymore but I think its some sort of fueling the memories of what could have been. That and when we are both relaxed with one another we do have a great time. But that is rare these days we are extremely defensive most of the time. So the question is should I consider that we might actually become friends again? I have to see him for professional reasons if nothing else. Is it possible now that several years have passed that we could really be friends? I dont know. Thinking out loud here I know I will just have to play it by ear. Approach it as just another professional thing and if we have a pleasant time and there is something of a friendship that develops fine if not no surprise. It is slightly unnerving. I dont want to flatter myself that he still wants something romantic (we live in a big city and there are plenty of younger prettier girls he could go after if all he wants is an A) but its complicated. Of course I am very very special and its nice to be able to be friends with someone you loved so much but ?? just not sure about this. Finally dating again and getting myself back on track dont want to have any more drama with him. Maybe its just state of mind. If I go there expecting only a pleasant professional meeting there is no room for drama. Thanks for listening I hope your holiday was great, mine sucked but it is over, thank goodness JJ, it's THEORETICALLY possible. It's also theoretically possible that we'll all get wiped out by an asteroid tomorrow. I'm not gonna go out today and spend all my money on a wild party based on that possibility. You know the risks. I'm surprised you're even asking the question, my friend. You've seen the same stories over and over here that I have. Just reading your post, it's clear you still have a "soft spot" for him...you still "think he's hot"...given those two things and an intimate past...of course considering a 'friendship' with him after all of this is risky in the extreme. Like I said...I'm amazed you even consider it. You MIGHT be able to keep it "just a friendship". But given how hard he pursued you for years afterwards trying to find a way to rekindle the affair...do you truly believe that HE can keep it that simple even if you were to manage to do so? Owl is so incredibly insightful and man I just love his posts! Completely agree with the bolded comments! I don't mean to be snarky, but it looks like the same is true for you. You are going to do what you are going to do, so there's not much I can say. Your post is all over the place. You want a friendship, then claim you find him hot, then you say you can keep it platonic, then you say you're nostalgic over what you had. You say you know he'll never leave her. If you really just want friendship, why would this be an issue? Why not be friends with her as well? I trust you see where I'm going with this and what my warning would be. I agree with jt and honestly, I didn't find her post snarky. Like so many of us, she cares and I think she hurts for you. I think she wants you to find peace. I think she wants you to truly be rid of him...or at least that is what I want I agree with the above. Also it seems he couldn't even handle having a professional business relationship with you - without trying to burn you. Continue to Know who you are. One less so-called 'friend' won't kill you. Oh dear... I agree with DIC!!!!!!!!!!! What you've described is one option ... ie giving him some of your time and answering that question of "will he still be attracted to you after all this time ..." .... or perhaps answering the question "is it possible to be friends with someone you've had an A with and who is still married)" ... or perhaps "will someone who did the dirty on you once do it again" etc, etc, etc, etc You can give him/the drama some of your time and maybe find the answer to those questions. There's loads of things you can do with your time ... and finding out how someone who has treated you badly before will treat you now is only one of them ... I guess it depends upon which you believe is the BEST investment of your time, for YOU???? be safe Chris Chris, as usual, has excellent insight and thoughts. Him and Owl are two of the most insightful men I have ever 'met'! I know I personally am so glad they post here and share their views!! Whoa there darling...put down the eggnog and slowly step away. You cannot possibly be considering this. This has nothing but bad idea written all over it - it'd be safer to tie raw meat on your sleeves and run through the lion exhibit. No way. No how. Don't you DARE open that door - and that's exactly what you would be doing. You can't POSSIBLY want that drama and angst BACK in your life. You worked TOO hard, too long to get where you are to let this happen AGAIN - and you know what I'm talking about. Now, go have some eggnog. JW :laugh: If jwl were in front of me, I would high five him Throw jw into the same category with Owl and Chris - these 3 guys are awesome! The main thing, I suppose, is to make the right call now for your needs .. if the need is just to pacify then ok so be it. But don't flower it, or misprepresent it .... you are accomodating to pacify/keep the peace .. no other reason. Accept it and maybe spend no more brain cycles on it ... instead ask your brain to focus in the background on a long term solution ... you'll be suprised at what it comes up with if that's where you ask it to go ... :) Chris :) Excellent again Chris. He's not one of your other ex's. Are you forgetting that this guy has a personality disorder? It is and always will be about him. He will charm you if it behooves him then sell you out to your business associates in the next breath. And JJ, once you realize a players MO, you can't unknow it, it will always be in the back of your head. It isn't at all about you being there or not, he'll never be friend material, he is a manipulator. Great post IfWishes. I remember how jj had to speak with one of xMM's business associates about how xMM was treating her. I remember how she struggled with doing that because she didn't want to give him any more fuel for the 'fire' he seemed to keep throwing on her. I remember how he has relentlessly kept at her regarding dealing with HIM in regards to business; when I believe he knew she didn't have to deal with him specifically and how he could hurt her professionally if she didn't play nice (which is why I believe she spoke to either his co-worker or superior). -- jj, I hope I remembered that right. My memory hasn't been what it once was lately! jj, I was going to write out a post about being a woman in a male-dominated industry, protecting your reputation, and all that. I have another migraine, and just am not up to it. All I will say is that your job and your reputation and your livelihood is much more important that having a so-called friend. A so-called friend that has causes you problems and possibly damaged your professional reputation in the past. The last thing you need is the "good ol boys network" chit-chatting about how you are "friends" again with this guy, no matter what the real deal is. Hot guys to be "friends" with are out there. This one should be tossed aside like a pair of dirty underpants, IMO. Exactly (what I bolded). That is exactly what I was thinking reading this post. so let's play this out - or forward... you respond to his call, or text... by reaching out. you spend time and energy wanting him, thinking of him, hoping he'll change things for YOU. you daydream about what "could be" you meet and engage him in business conversation. you waste more time and energy with manipulations on him by hoping there MAY be a chance in hell somewhere. in the end you get: wasted energy wasted time disappointed time lost that could be spent on an AVAILABLE man frustration lost expectations anger at self because you already knew the end result feeling used because you allowed him to manipulate and control again WHEN you get PAST him... you will spend your time and energy considering other men to date... healthy men, available men. IF you stay focused on your MM - you will never move forward. you owe it to yourself to get moving forward... only deal with MM on a business level - and as little as possible/needed. get busy moving forward. to stay stuck in the past isn't living in the present. Good post 2sunny. I hate hate hate how this as*clown has hurt jj. I hate hate hate hate how he plays on her sympathies and bullies her, even marginally. Thanks 2sunny. I am going only because of business. And I suspect he feels the need to see me only because of the business relationship. If someone asked me out I would go am going out next week. I dont envision a future with him anymore even if he left and somehow made up for the drama of the past 2 years. We just dont have enough in common and want the same thing in terms of a lifestyle to be a couple on a full time basis. I think the best decision he made was not leaving. With everything that has happened I can now see that it would not have worked out. sweetie, I do not believe he only needs to see you because of the business relationship. What does he need to SEE you for - why can't he send an email? Why can't he do it no in person? I think he likes to put you on the spot and make you "want him". I think he likes the control he has over you. I think he likes to get you frazzled and worked up. I think he likes that you do still "like" him, even a tiny bit, and it feeds his ego. I think he still 'likes' you and likes to play with you. I think he is a jerk i was referring to the space you allow it to take up in your mind... not necessarily about posting here - so sorry for the confusion. what i was specifically referring to is the power that you give him when you allow thoughts of him to occupy your mind. giving yourself the freedom to not think of him is progress. reward yourself with small things when you go for stretches at a time without any thought of him at all. ps... he loves to keep in contact - that way he is assured that you have to think of him when he demands your business time. stick to business with him... grow the personal life for you... and areas that interest you - so that you stay occupied and busy enough NOT to think of him except when absolutely necessary... jj -- look at how many people are concerned for and worried about you!!! Look at the impact you have on us. LOOK how we care about YOU! I hope that tells you how AWESOME you are. You have helped so many of us so many times. Know what I liked the BEST about your original post???? The part that you are starting to date! WOO HOO. I sure hope this gives you the ... hmm... confidence (I hope that is the right word) to know that YOU ARE A DESIRABLE WOMAN and I look forward to the day that you attend a business function with a date and while I know you wouldn't do it intentionally (because that is not the kind of person you are), I love how it will eat that as*clown up!! I can't wait for him to realize that you do NOT sit at home, thinking up ways to contact him, thinking about wanting him to contact you, blah blah blah. Sweetie, you are making HUGE inroads professionally. DO NOT let him hold you back romantically (not that you are). GIVE your all to dating. ENJOY it. ENJOY the attention from a man who ONLY has eyes for YOU. What you and xMM shared is a memory. Keep it in the past. Unfortunately, I do not believe you and him can be friends. TOO much history and too much pain. Too much manipulation (from him) and too many mean things he has tried to do to you (and sometimes succeeded). I can't wait to read the post from you telling us all about a new guy you are dating and who you are all gooey-eyed over I have a feeling 2011 is going to be a kick *ss year for you, personally. At least, I am going to wish that for you! Can ex's be friends? Depends on the ex's. My ex and I share a child. We will never be friends. I do not care if he were to get hit by a truck tomorrow. He has done too much harm to our child. He is not a good person. I can easily let go of all the pain he caused me; but what he did to our son was inexcusable and I can't believe he found a woman (and married her) and she sees the sh*tty father he is (our son is his only child). Then again, maybe she did see it and that is why they didn't have kids. Thankfully, she has always been good to my son and I will always be grateful for that. But him, no, we will never be friends. But I have seen other divorced couples (and even friends who had LTR's that ended) who are friends. Some even hang out with their spouses as groups. I think that would be weird, but hey, different strokes and all that. Happy New Year my friend. Can't wait to hear all about the dating!!! Enjoy the attention, enjoy the romance, and enjoy the ride. You deserve it!
Author jj33 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Thanks so much Fooled. I think 2011 will be a kickazz year too. This guy is not "the guy" but its a start. Have to start somewhere. Feel kind of sorry for xMM in a way, on the surface he has everything but obviously dissatisfied and not willing to change his circumstances. But his problem not mine. Have a happy new year and I cant wait to post that I am dating a great guy.
2sunny Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Thanks so much Fooled. I think 2011 will be a kickazz year too. This guy is not "the guy" but its a start. Have to start somewhere. Feel kind of sorry for xMM in a way, on the surface he has everything but obviously dissatisfied and not willing to change his circumstances. But his problem not mine. Have a happy new year and I cant wait to post that I am dating a great guy. when you no longer "feel" anything about and for the MM - that will be huge progress. who cares how he feels... or not? dwelling on him is moving backwards when you intend to move forward. think of yourself and your own well being first. then get busy doing random acts of kindness throughout your day... that will keep your mind occupied and happy - in a very productive way.
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