What does a breakup reveal about a person's character?

[tatteredwings]

Dear all,

 

First of all, thank you in advance for reading my story and posting any comments you have. I realize that this is a very long post so I've bolded the last half, which is about our breakup. The first part is about our relationship (in a nut-shell: it was amazing). So in case you want to skim through it then just read the last part.

 

I’m recently going through a very painful breakup with my significant other of nearly 5 years. These were among the most wonderful years of my life, and I loved her so, so dearly.

 

In our years we had our share of problems, but we always managed to persevere and continue, because the love between us was so strong. I’ve made mistakes, and she’s made mistakes. In the past, we always discussed it and we were able to work things out, forgive each other, and move on. And all the problems we had were always pretty minor, due to little misunderstandings.

 

During the last year though, we started to have more arguments (I can count about 7) and she told me that I was changing into a different person. She said that I’ve become less apt at dealing with outside stresses like work. And that I’ve been less loving towards her. In my defense, I said that I was experiencing much greater stress than I had in the past, and that of course I love her so so much, but that I’m probably more comfortable around her, so I wasn’t putting her on a pedestal like I did before. I promised that I would change in my interaction with her to make her feel happy and loved.

 

Although we had these arguments, we had, in my eyes, a beautiful, loving year together. We traveled the world. We spent as much time together as we could, almost every day after work we were in each other’s arms. And I know she loved me dearly as well, because the kind of affection and love that she showed me can’t be faked. It was genuine love from both of us. I always knew that we had issues to fix, but I knew in my heart that we were meant for each other and that we would always be together, and that these issues would work out if we stayed strong. The level of our love wasn’t just in my eyes – all our friends thought that we were one of those super-couples, the kind that have an amazing relationship that others envy, that never hurt each other, that are mature and will spend their lives together.

 

Recently, we went to my home to visit my family for a month and a half (we both recently finished our jobs). At the beginning of this visit we had another argument about how I wasn’t showing enough love again and that I was taking her for granted. I promised her that I would change. From that point on, the rest of our visit was absolutely wonderful. Everything was perfect – we didn’t argue, there was only complete, unwavering love. When I took her to the airport (she was flying back to her family while I stayed with mine) we both cried when we said goodbye to each other. She left me a thank-you card expressing how much she loved me. I was trying my best to make her happy, and I was happy too.

 

Then, we started long-distance. This would last less than a month. As soon as she left I began having some problems with my family. She and I talked almost every night, although there were nights when we weren’t able to meet because we were both very busy. Things seemed fine to me, although I was in a bit of a funk because of my family issues, and I told her that I was having a difficult time at home.

 

We had one conversation on webcam where she showed me some pictures. It seemed like a normal, loving conversation to me, until we were saying goodbye, when she suddenly seemed very cold. I asked her if anything was wrong, and she said no. But I persisted because I knew she looked upset – she said that she would email me.

 

After three agonizing days of waiting for her (on my family’s Christmas eve – we celebrated it early this year), I opened my inbox and saw an email from her. In her email she dumped me. I was completely devastated. In her email she made it clear to me that she was upset because of some jokes that I made in our online conversation, jokes which we had both made with each other in the past and that she even initiated, which I honestly thought were acceptable. She called me an a-hole and a douche-bag. She said that the whole breakup was my fault, that I had lost my chance to be with someone as loving and supportive as her. She said I was immature, selfish, unappreciative of every good thing in my life. She made a laundry list of every mistake I made in the past and how she almost dumped me each time. She said she doesn’t respect me anymore. She said that I would never change my ways. She said she was canceling her plane ticket to see me (we were going to meet again in 5 days to spend Christmas together).

 

I understand that when you break up with someone, you need to be cold, but I’ve shown this email to my closest friends and they all agree that she is being cruel. This is not what you do to someone who loved you for 5 years.

 

I immediately called her when I saw this email because I wanted to talk to her. When I called her she said that her family had gone to bed and didn’t want to wake them so she couldn’t talk. I asked if we could meet online and talk on webcam so that I could at least speak to her while she listened. I explained to her that the jokes I made in that conversation were made innocently, and I asked her if she was sure about her decision. When she typed yes, I told her that I’d still be willing to fight for us, but if she doesn’t want it then I would respect her decision. She said that she was sure. I apologized for my mistakes and thanked her for the wonderful times that we had together. At her suggestion we made an appointment to meet online in a few days to discuss mailing my things that were at her house. She said she wanted to go to bed and we said good night.

 

The next day she removed me, my family, and all of my friends from her Facebook. My family and friends were always so good and hospitable to her. My parents hosted her for months and paid for everything. They were really upset that she had completely cut them off after all the things they did for her.

 

Then, on the day we were supposed to meet, she emailed me and said that she had made an appointment with someone (which happened to be 30 minutes before our appointment) and so that she wouldn’t meet me. Instead she wanted to discuss mailing my things via email. She wrote that she had bought me a Christmas present and would send it to me if I paid her the retail price for it. She also told me to mail her things – a shirt, and two bottles of half-empty moisturizers.

 

I am in complete shock at how she has handled this. I have my faults, I made mistakes, and I know I hurt her – but any hurt I made was completely accidental, it was never my intention. I never cheated on her, I was never abusive. But her actions now seem so malicious. I can’t believe she would treat someone who loved her so completely as I did with such indifference towards their feelings. And not just to me, to my family and friends as well.

 

Did I deserve this kind of treatment? I am having a really difficult time coming to terms with this, because the last memories I have of her voice were loving, kind words, from someone who would never hurt me like this. These are my memories of our 5 years together, from beginning to end. And then suddenly I get an email from what appears to be a completely different person – someone who wants to hurt me or doesn’t care how I feel. Everyone tells me that the way she has dumped me reflects some dark truth about her character, but I have a hard time accepting this because I never saw this darkness before.

 

I’m sorry for this long post. I keep trying to rationalize her actions, to figure out why she is being cruel. This is my first breakup – is this how a good, mature person dumps someone they once loved?

Edited December 27, 2010 by tatteredwings

[Birdsong]

"This is my first breakup – is this how a good, mature person dumps someone they once loved? "

 

No! she has used blame and criticised you over even trivial instances, she was emotionally 'on her way out' some time ago, I strongly suspect there is someone else also.

It good this way, for her, she can get out, blame you and leaveyou feeling like ****, Job done! some People get off on this, its cruel and a power trip. in the long term, you have dodged a bullet, you didnt have kids, didnt marry, count your blessings

[melenkurion]

That is not the actions of a mature healthy person. It's utterly heartless. It sounds possible that she might be projecting onto you.

 

You've got nothing to feel bad about, she's behaved like a child. Worse than a child.

[tatteredwings]

Thank you Birdsong and melenkurion for your comments. I tell this story to my friends and they tell me the same thing, but it's good to hear an objective opinion from different people.

 

Thank you.

[Ajax]

I think that when someone breaks up with you, you always see a new side of them that you haven't seen before. They also go from being loving to being cold, especially when it comes out of nowhere. You're always going to be hurt and think they're being unfair.

 

That being said, I do agree that your ex was excessively brutal. She went beyond the coldness of most dumpers and was downright mean and intentionally hurtful. I would say she's very weak, since she wouldn't talk to you in person and bailed on your meeting.

 

Yes, I think that this speaks to the quality of her character. Someone said it sounds like she's projecting onto you, which sounds right to me. She's probably having issues in her life that have nothing to do with you, but she feels the need to blame someone. Unfortunately exes are easy targets.

 

Ultimately in breakups we rarely get the answers we're looking for, so my advice is to try not to dwell on it. I don't think she's going to give you any answers and even if she does it may not be the whole truth. Painful as it is, it's time to move forward. Take care of yourself and keep posting if it makes you feel better.

[tatteredwings]

I think that when someone breaks up with you, you always see a new side of them that you haven't seen before. They also go from being loving to being cold, especially when it comes out of nowhere. You're always going to be hurt and think they're being unfair.

 

That being said, I do agree that your ex was excessively brutal. She went beyond the coldness of most dumpers and was downright mean and intentionally hurtful. I would say she's very weak, since she wouldn't talk to you in person and bailed on your meeting.

 

Yes, I think that this speaks to the quality of her character. Someone said it sounds like she's projecting onto you, which sounds right to me. She's probably having issues in her life that have nothing to do with you, but she feels the need to blame someone. Unfortunately exes are easy targets.

 

Ultimately in breakups we rarely get the answers we're looking for, so my advice is to try not to dwell on it. I don't think she's going to give you any answers and even if she does it may not be the whole truth. Painful as it is, it's time to move forward. Take care of yourself and keep posting if it makes you feel better.

 

Ajax, thank you for your advice and support.

 

Well, she just sent me my things, and wants me to pay the $20 shipping fee. I guess that's reasonable. Though if I were in her shoes, knowing that my boyfriend had paid for so many things in our relationship and that I was dumping him during the holiday season, I probably wouldn't expect any payment. But I know she's always been very pragmatic about money.

 

Which means tomorrow, after a trip to the bank, I will email her to confirm that I've sent her the money. There are many things I want to tell her -- to civilly explain things from my side, to thank her for the good memories and say goodbye -- because we didn't even have a conversation during our break up. I want to kindly clear up some of the insulting allegations that she threw at me in that email to leave some dignity to my name. That's what my heart is telling me, but my brain is saying to just be business-like and brief.

 

What do you guys think?

[Von]

I'm pretty sure she left you for 3 reasons:

 

1. Loss of attraction due to your behavior

2. Attracted to someone new where she is now

3. Severe lack of emotional maturity

 

If I was in your shoes, living through what you are going through, I would send her NO MONEY, NOT EMAIL HER, COMPLETELY IGNORE HER, AND GO NO CONTACT.

 

You sound like a nice guy. Unfortunately nice guys really do finish last. Embrace your inner bad boy and go find a new chick.

 

Trust me. Just do it. It'll make sense later.

[LifeIsGreat]

I agree, DON"T send money and don't contact her. YOu are wasting your time trying to explaine yourself. She is obviously 'off her rocker' right now, and she won't hear a thing you say anyway.

 

If you completely ingore her from this point on, you will accomplish two things. 1) You will preserve your dignity, and heal faster. 2) You will show yourself to be the better person, and probably at some point it will haunt her. If you want to get back at an ex, IGNORE HER. At this point, anything you say or do will be held against you in her mind.

[tatteredwings]

LifeIsGreat and Von, thank you for your advice.

 

I ended up sending her the money (a check in the mail) because I agreed to do it in my last correspondence, so I don't want to be burdened by any feelings of guilt later. But this will be my last correspondence with her. I am going to move on and enjoy the rest of my life without her.

 

Again, thank you for your advice and support.

[Karma20]

When I broke up with an ex I was cold because I lost feelings and didn't want to give him false hope. Granted I was young when I did that. He had left me before for another girl and wanted him back so bad and then when he came back I didn't really want him anymore. I would not contact her she' s expecting it, trust me

[J0N]

My money says there is another man involved. Now is the time to go totally NC, delete everything, and don't respond even if she reaches out to you. Chances are she will when her new situation goes sour, only for her to leave you again when she gets bored.

[homebrew]

My analysis is that if she wants to call you, she can. If she wants to sleep with you, she can. If she wants to say "okay, now no more contact", she can. If she wants to change her mind and talk to you anyway, she can.

 

Empowering for her. Bad for you!

[J0N]

^ I couldn't agree more. I think alot of us are in this boat.

[LifeIsGreat]

Dude, cancel the damn check!! For real.

 

And yes, you can tell A LOT about people by how they handle the ***** when it hits the fan.

[tatteredwings]

Thank you everyone again for your observations and advice.

 

I got another email from her today, thanking me for mailing her things (I sent her moisturizers and t-shirt last week). She said to write to her when I get the things she mailed me. And she wished me a happy birthday. Yes, today is my birthday.

Edited December 29, 2010 by tatteredwings

[LifeIsGreat]

Don't contact her.

[kaycstamper]

Ajax was right on. She didn't handle the break up in an honorable way. I wish you hadn't sent her the $, did she send you $ for your mailing things to her? She behaved in a petty self-centered way. Yes, she showed a lot about her character.

[tatteredwings]

Don't contact her

 

Thank you. This is what I've been doing and I have no intention of contacting her again in the future.

 

Ajax was right on. She didn't handle the break up in an honorable way. I wish you hadn't sent her the $, did she send you $ for your mailing things to her? She behaved in a petty self-centered way. Yes, she showed a lot about her character.

 

Thank you for your comment. About the money, I deducted the cost of mailing her package -- sending her things cost me about $10, sending my things cost her about $30, so I sent her about $20.

 

My things arrived the other day and I'm at least happy to have gotten everything back.

 

It's been exactly 2 weeks since our breakup. I'm doing a lot better now. Everyone keeps telling me that she's done me a huge favor by ending it like this, by seeing the cruelty that she's capable of I can move on more easily knowing that it's for the best. I'm believing this more and more now.

 

I know I'm not a perfect man. But I know that I did my best for her, and that I was (and am) a good person.

 

I still miss her dearly. She was a great companion and I truly loved her. I'm saddened knowing that our beautiful relationship ended this way.

 

Today I changed my status on Facebook to single. Looks like 2011 is going to be my year. Let's see where it takes me...

[LifeIsGreat]

Excellent! Be sure to keep up the NC.

[Hades]

You are only responsible for yourself. Always, always be the bigger person.

 

I can relate as my X of 5 years was cruel. He broke up with me, was childish and immature, wouldn't speak to me in person, immediately deleted me from facebook ... you get the picture. I was beyond shocked and hurt. However, I think people deal with things differently. I know he was hurt and angry. I am not making excuses for him at all, I just understand that is how he chose to deal.

 

Now that things have settled, he's broken the no contact rule and texted me several messages in which I have not responded. His behavior during our official break up made it that easier to walk away.

 

Stay strong! There is something greater in store for you!

[tatteredwings]

You are only responsible for yourself. Always, always be the bigger person.

 

I can relate as my X of 5 years was cruel. He broke up with me, was childish and immature, wouldn't speak to me in person, immediately deleted me from facebook ... you get the picture. I was beyond shocked and hurt. However, I think people deal with things differently. I know he was hurt and angry. I am not making excuses for him at all, I just understand that is how he chose to deal.

 

Now that things have settled, he's broken the no contact rule and texted me several messages in which I have not responded. His behavior during our official break up made it that easier to walk away.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that you had a similar experience, but I appreciate knowing that there are others out there who can relate.

 

I agree with you that people do deal with things differently. Actually, the more I think about it, this is not the first time I've seen my ex do this to someone. Her best friend in high school for example -- my ex broke contact with her because she started casually sleeping with men, and my ex lost respect for her... so she completely cut her off. To this day her friend tries to reach her to get an explanation. She did this to another friend in university because her friend was acting jealous of her travels. And then 2 years ago, she had an argument with her sister and cut contact with her completely for a year. I guess this is how she deals with things. It's cruel. I never thought about it much or cared really because I never imagined she would do the same to me.

 

Stay strong! There is something greater in store for you!

Thank you! I believe this more and more now.

 

A little update over here... yesterday I felt so good, thinking "good riddance!" and "look out world I'm back again!" and mustered the strength to change my Facebook status to "Single". Apparently, even though she defriended me, my ex must not have changed her status, because I got several messages from mutual friends expressing their shock and asking if everything is ok. That's how great of a couple we were, or at least we seemed to be. One of our mutual friends told me once, "If you guys were ever to separate, I would give up on love all together."

 

Now I feel terrible again. The reality of losing her has come tumbling back into my heart. I know these feelings pass with time, but... shoot.

 

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

[tatteredwings]

I just got an email from her, thanking me for sending her the check and for the card I sent to her family (I sent a simple sincere card thanking them for being so good to me over the last 5 years).

 

Then, she added:

"Thank you for being very polite and civil about all this. I appreciate it. I did just want to say though, that because we didn't exactly break up mutually or on good terms, I really can't talk to you for a really long time. I hope you understand. If you are ever interested, Andrew Matthews is a good author to read."

 

I don't know how to feel about this -- on the one hand I'm happy that she's thankful for my civility, but on the other, I feel like she's still trying to rub "it's all your fault" into my face. Saying that we didn't break up on good terms, is she trying to pin that down on me? And recommending self-help books to me, again like I'm to blame for everything?

 

Am I right to be annoyed by this? Or am I just over-reacting? Do I have a right to be hurt by these words or am I just being overly emotional right now?

[Hades]

I just got an email from her, thanking me for sending her the check and for the card I sent to her family (I sent a simple sincere card thanking them for being so good to me over the last 5 years).

 

Then, she added:

"Thank you for being very polite and civil about all this. I appreciate it. I did just want to say though, that because we didn't exactly break up mutually or on good terms, I really can't talk to you for a really long time. I hope you understand. If you are ever interested, Andrew Matthews is a good author to read."

 

I don't know how to feel about this -- on the one hand I'm happy that she's thankful for my civility, but on the other, I feel like she's still trying to rub "it's all your fault" into my face. Saying that we didn't break up on good terms, is she trying to pin that down on me? And recommending self-help books to me, again like I'm to blame for everything?

 

Am I right to be annoyed by this? Or am I just over-reacting? Do I have a right to be hurt by these words or am I just being overly emotional right now?

 

Blameshifting ... I hate that part. My ex blames me for everything. Honestly, I blame him. We are both to blame. We are both very prideful people. Not so good. There are two sides to every story, then there is the truth.

 

I think your emotions are running high. That's all.

 

No more contact. Ever.

[Hades]

"Am I right to be annoyed by this? Or am I just over-reacting? Do I have a right to be hurt by these words or am I just being overly emotional right now?"

 

Everything hurts right now. Even when they are being nice.

 

[tatteredwings]

Wow, Hades, thanks for your prompt response.

 

Yes, you're right, everything that she says will hurt, and thanks for being honest with me. My emotions are running high right now.

 

So, do you think that she's just being nice? Nothing to get angry about?