NORTHandSOUTH Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Hey everyone! I pretty much just want to introduce myself and tell you my story because I feel like I will be coming here often from now on! I am 25 and just started my first LDR. We live 9 hours from each other and met in August through a mutual group of friends. We emailed occasionally, mostly with the group, just as friends. The group of friends met up again at the beginning of november and that's when our friendship turned into more. The week after she was here visiting we talked on the phone for hours every night. We have a great chemistry, we make each other laugh all the time, and I'm so happy when I'm talking to her. We email during the work day a lot. About two weeks after her visit in november we talked about what we were and agreed we were "together/dating" exclusively without the official title. The reason it wasn't official is where the issues start when we met in august, and again in november, we were both in committed, long term relationships. Mine was 6 years (but towards the end it was becoming apparent that I was settling and unhappy in it) and hers was 1.5 yrs (the first years of hers was LDR, and she moved to be with him 5 months ago). She tells me now that she ignored a lot of the issues they had because she wanted "happily ever after" with him, and realized she wasn't as happy as she thought after meeting me. She also says if she hadn't met me she would have given him another chance. So if we wanted to continue, we both had to break up with our SO. Mine was easier because I was ready for it, and my SO accepted it fairly well, it was very civil. Hers on the other hand did not go so well. He got angry and mean at first, and now he is constantly texting/emailing/writing her notes saying he knows he messed up but he can change and he's going to fight for her and he will wait for her. They live together and neither has family near them that they can stay with. So they are in a lease until August. She assures me that she wants to be with me, and does not want to be with him, but I can't help but be worried. She has given me no reason not to trust her, she is very honest with me and keeps me informed on what's he says to her, how he acts, etc. He doesn't know about me, so when she's home and he's around our communication is limited, which makes it super hard. We talk every day, usually multiple times, and we text and email a lot. Our communication is really great. We are very open and honest with each other. Since the time we spent with friends at the beginning of november, I have seen her 2 other times alone. When we are together everything is perfect. We want to see each other 2x a month, but I think realistically it will be about once a month. She doesn't want the ex to find out bc she has to live with him. One thing that bothers me is that she isn't very good about planning our visits. When I try she says its hard for her to plan bc she doesn't know what's going on with work(she travels) and she has to figure out something to tell him. That stresses me out a lot, but she always says she will figure it out. Its hard for me to believe that until she plans something. I saw her the weekend before xmas, but don't know when I will see her next. We are hoping for this weekend, but the ex and his daughter (who she adores) could prevent that from working out. Sorry this is long and all over the place. I guess I just needed a place for some support. I stress/freak out a lot, and she is very supportive during those time, and all the time. I have never been in a LDR and its hard! Esp this situation
aerogurl87 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 If she doesn't want to be with him she needs to tell him the truth and that is that she wants to be with you. I know she may not want to break the lease but if she doesn't tell him the truth then she's just leading him on an not being fair to you. By the way, welcome to LS.
folieadeux Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Welcome. I agree with Aero. If you want to be in a committed relationship, you need to come clean with everyone, including her ex. She also would need to not live with him anymore as I see that also being an issue at some point down the line (if this isn't already for you). Everything else will fall into place once that attachment is broken. If you both aren't ready to move on from your previous relationships, fair enough, but you need to figure that out first before getting involved with one another.
Author NORTHandSOUTH Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 You guys are right. She needs to tell him and completely move on before this can work. And it is a problem her living with him. I'm afraid she's not ready to let go and is just dragging me along. I know it hasn't been long but I am already so invested in her. And being apart during all this is so hard.
creighton0123 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Some of the facts of her situation sounds derived. There are a number of things that need to be answered: 1. If you are very serious, is there anything preventing the two of you from relocating to a place that's much more convenient in the foreseeable future? 2. Leases are generally open, especially in more rural areas. It might be very easy for her to find someone to buy out her lease and for her to find a new living situation. It's hard to imagine that she's unable to find someone before August to buy out her lease. 3. Unlike the above two posts, the fact that he says he will fight for her may indicate a problem if he finds out about you. Has she ever mentioned feeling threatened by him? Or does she worry about how he will react if he finds out about you? Because he most likely will before August unless she does what is necessary to sublet/sell her lease and move...
aerogurl87 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 Some of the facts of her situation sounds derived. There are a number of things that need to be answered: 1. If you are very serious, is there anything preventing the two of you from relocating to a place that's much more convenient in the foreseeable future? 2. Leases are generally open, especially in more rural areas. It might be very easy for her to find someone to buy out her lease and for her to find a new living situation. It's hard to imagine that she's unable to find someone before August to buy out her lease. 3. Unlike the above two posts, the fact that he says he will fight for her may indicate a problem if he finds out about you. Has she ever mentioned feeling threatened by him? Or does she worry about how he will react if he finds out about you? Because he most likely will before August unless she does what is necessary to sublet/sell her lease and move... Creighton you make a valid point in your third point about him saying he's willing to fight for her, although I didn't interpret that to mean he'd literally fight for her. But if that is correct then that's all the more reason for her to move. Honestly something isn't adding up here. If she really wants to be gone, she would move someway, somehow. If that meant breaking the lease, she'd do it if she were really done with the relationship. And even if she didn't go that far she'd at least tell him about you and make it clear to him that what they had is over. My sister is in a similar situation and she made it clear to her ex boyfriend that although they were living together she didn't want to be with him anymore and intended to date someone new. No he didn't take it well, but she didn't lie to him and give him false hope either. I really think you need to put your foot down on two issues here. 1) Her not moving out if you're not comfortable with her living with him. Tell her she needs to find someone to take over the lease or end it if she has to. And 2) tell her she has to tell him the truth. That there is no hope for salvaging things between them because she's with you now. She needs to be 100% open about your relationship instead of hiding it from her ex who still thinks he has a chance due to her omitting her real relationship status with you.
Author NORTHandSOUTH Posted December 29, 2010 Author Posted December 29, 2010 Some of the facts of her situation sounds derived. There are a number of things that need to be answered: 1. If you are very serious, is there anything preventing the two of you from relocating to a place that's much more convenient in the foreseeable future? 2. Leases are generally open, especially in more rural areas. It might be very easy for her to find someone to buy out her lease and for her to find a new living situation. It's hard to imagine that she's unable to find someone before August to buy out her lease. 3. Unlike the above two posts, the fact that he says he will fight for her may indicate a problem if he finds out about you. Has she ever mentioned feeling threatened by him? Or does she worry about how he will react if he finds out about you? Because he most likely will before August unless she does what is necessary to sublet/sell her lease and move... Ok first to answer your questions- 1. We have talked about moving possibilities. She is scared to move for someone since she just moved for him and it didnt work after 5 months. So she has talked about moving back to where she was before him, has started looking for places, etc. It would be hard for me to move now, I bought a house a year ago, but we have talked about me moving after a year or so. I understand her not wanting to move to me, because one, she hates the city i live in, and two i understand she is scared to keep hopping around the country for other people. 2. Although, as I said above, that she has talked about moving, she hasnt done anything to figure out if she can get out of her lease (like call the landlord and ask questions) except read the lease and say theres nothing in about breaking it. I'm trying not to pressure her because this has all happened so fast, but if she wants out as bad as she says she does, i would imagine she would try harder. When she moves out of there she wants to move away, not get another lease and be stuck in that city for another year, so i understand that its not going to happen overnight (finding a place in the new city and getting her job transferred back) 3. When she was breaking up with him (it took a couple days because he was being difficult with the communication and says although she doesnt want to be with him she still cares about his feelings) she did make comments about being scared of him because he would get really angry, but never threatened her or physically did anything. So i think her not wanting him to know about me is a combination of not wanting to hurt him and being scared that she still lives there and not knowing how he will react. I know, it sounds obvious that she needs to get out of that house, i dont know what she is waiting for. I told her i think she is holding onto something with him, some part of the relationship, and she says i am far off. i dont know. its very confusing. I know i should stop whats going on with us until she can fully move on from that relationship, but its a lot easier said than done. One more layer to the story that i didnt mention in my first post is that I am a girl, and this is her first experience with a girl. that alone adds a whole additional layer of complexity to the situation. for the most part she is comfortable and seems to be ok with the reality of dating a girl, but she also has her "freak out" moments about the future and how much harder it will be with a girl. we had 4 weeks of everything being great between us, then 2 nights ago he wrote her a letter asking for a second chance and when she sat down to write a response, she started questioning herself. she kept saying i dont know how to answer him. if she hadnt met me, she said she wouldnt have broken up with him or would have given him another chance, so shes questioning everything. she says she has no doubt in her mind that she wants to be with me, but at the same time she cant stop the thoughts of if she should have tried harder with him, will she regret not trying harder, could he change if she let him try, etc and is very confused about everything. Obviously living with him is making this so much harder, because she seems him every day and of course he doesnt want to lose her so he is playing mr. nice guy and doing everything he knows will break her down (this is not how he was towards the end of their relationship. he was mean to her, didnt share things with her, etc) I think its all a show, he's doing what he has to, but wont sustain it if she goes back to him. but thats not my decision. and i'm sure if anyone made it to the end of this, you are thinking the same thing as me, i need to stop this before i become any more emotionally involved. Its going to end in heartbreak for me. no matter how many times i tell myself that, i cant seem to do anything about it. when its just me and her, and he's not in the picture, its perfect. we make each other so happy, i cant even explain it.
HeavenOrHell Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 My thoughts on this are; it's way too soon to be talking about moving to live nearer to each other, you only met in August. She sounds confused, but it is wise of her to not want to rush to move. I wouldn't feel comfortable about seeing someone if they hadn't broken up with their current partner no matter what the reason, or the fact they were still living with their current partner. I would personally see how things are once she is living alone and she has had time to sort her feelings out, it's rarely a good idea to rush from one r/ship to another.
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