Does she want me back

[someone_else]

Me and my partner split up begining of November, I wasn't very attentive to her and started arguements, also I was, well kinda cruel to my son, not like beating or anything like that but I would skip the playing parts and be there only for punishment and I punished him incorrectly, e.g. him hitting someone was followed by "naughty" where as him throwing the ps3 controller would earn him a smack, i didn't play with him alot and when i did it would be in short bursts of about 15 mins.

 

Towards the end of the relationship me and the ex argued alot over stupid little things, i usually initiated the arguements and it was usually about me not pulling my own weight, ie, not tidying up, she would make a comment, i snapped pre-empting an arguement that didnt exist. I would just flip out at her fr no reason, she used to call it a light switch as it never took anything really one minute i could be really nice the next minute im shouting at her or my son for doing something i disagreed with. it got so bad that I never saw her, i would get home from work and she would be over her mums till about 10pm, when she got back my son went to bed and we kinda just watched a movie and went to sleep, we didnt really talk a whole lot.

 

Well one night she came back from her mums, I had asked her to pick me up some money on the way home so i could catch the bus in the morning, she innocently forgot, I went balisitc and we ended breaking up, the following 2 nights i jabbed at her to a degree that she broke down in tears and kicked me out.

 

I didnt see her for a further 2 weeks. When I did see her she had told me she had a thing with one of her ex boyfriends, and had slept with him a few times (she used contriception) , she didnt do it outta spite or anything but because she felt worthless and needed to feel like someone cared. Now I find out a few days ago shes pregnant, and she says its his, apparently shes been dated at 5 weeks (we split 7 weeks ago) her ex is already in a relationship with someone (she didnt know about this at the time) and he wants her to get an abortion, something she doesnt morally believe in and so wont do, she quite angry with the situation but I have assured her that if she needs anyone I will be there for her, if we were to get back together I would raise the baby and I wouldnt resent her for it, we all make mistakes and she just felt like she needed to someone to love her. But somewhere inside im hoping shes lying about it being his and hoping its mine.

 

Skip forward a couple of weeks. and were getting on ok, she wont leave me alone with my son because of something I said during the breakup (I said if i got given the oppurtunity I would take him away from her) which was wrong, i was angry and you say stupid things when your angry. Shes also worried that if I get left alone with him i might be unfair to him again.

 

Now for the main part, I still feel alot for this girl, I pictured spending the rest of my life with her and i shot myself in the foot when it came to her and my son. I'm kinda confused as to whether she feels something for me. basically we went out christmas shopping the other day and we flirted with each other a lot so much so that she ended back at mine where i gave her a massage and it ended up in something else, afterwardsshe said she didnt want me to read anything into it. On christmas eve I went over hers to watch The Santa Claus movie with her and my son (tradition) and i was finding any excuse to touch her, at first she said no but then ended up cuddling up to me for about 10 mins before she distanced herself. I had to leave at 8, which was after I put my son to bed. she was asking if there was anyway i could stay longer just to chill out with her for an extra hour.

 

Now i know her 2 main problems with me, shes worried how I may treat my son if left alone with him and shes worried that ill turn nasty when i get comfortable with her again.

 

The last 2 months have shown me alot, and im adamant to sort my life out by going to counselling if needs be, thats the plan in the new year anyways. but what i want to know is although shes told me on multiple occasions thats theres nothing left between us should i keep on trying, I want to marry this girl one dayand spend the rest of my days with her and dont think i can walk away from her so easily??

 

Do you think she still wants a future with me she says she wants to move on with her life but we flirt with each other when were together but as I said shes worried that once i get comfortable ill slip back into my old ways

 

Any help appreciated

[TaraMaiden]

Loads of words.

Now back it up with the appropriate, earnest and heartfelt actions.

 

You can 'say' all you want.

You'll have to prove yourself, perhaps 100 times over, to her, and show her by your actions that you are changing.

 

Not 'willing to change'.

Not 'going to change'.

Not even 'trying to change'.

 

But actually changing.

Put your money where your mouth is.

BE a better person.

Stop being a jerk.

Start being a Man and a father.

 

NOW.

[Leandro]

I agree with TaraMaiden 100%.

[someone_else]

thanks for the advice on what I need to do, i understand this much, I need to change my actions and prove to her that I can be a different, more reliable person, but my question was although she says there is no future between us now due to what has happened, do her actions say different, should I still try, we still flirt with each other alot, she lets me hug, massage, and play with her hair. but she doesnt always recipricate the hugs, like one armed hug back, like what you give your grandparents, personally i think she still feels for me but doesnt want to as I hurt her alot, and shes afraid of being hurt again, but i have a clouded view on the subject and im suspecting regardless of whether its true or not im just seeing what i hope is happening.

 

Any insight

[TaraMaiden]

She feels for you because you've been significant in her life. You share a kid, for a start.

Also, she knows breaking up and ending it is painful for the dumped person, so she's trying to show kindness, but is not reciprocating, because it would give you false/mixed messages.

She's accepting your gestures, because you're trying, but she's not giving back, because she doesn't feel the same way.

 

You really have your work cut out with this one, bud.....

[someone_else]

Ok appreicate the response, maybe i should just move on, dont get me wrong i love her and my son and would love to be a family again but I wouldnt even know how to convince her that have changed, shes a stubborn girl and usually sticks to her guns, I want to be a different person for them and I still want to walk her down the aisle, should i move on or should i try and if try, how?

[TaraMaiden]

You know, communication is a wonderful thing.

How about you try this:

Next time you see her, and speak to her, tell her -

 

"I know I've been a jerk, and I know there are aspects to my personality and character which are at best, unpleasant, and at worst, downright nasty, bordering on abusive.

Well, I've made up my mind to change all that.

It will take time, and it won't be easy, and I may slip backwards occasionally; but I'm determined to make the kinds of changes that will make me a better person.

Understand, I'm doing this because I need to, and primarily for myself, but I also want to be the kind of man that treats people well, not badly.

I'm making you a promise: Whether you stay with me or not, support me or not, marry me or not: I am going to be the kind of dad our child will be proud of, and look up to. because when push comes to shove, whether we stay together or not, I am still a father, and that's a privilege I intend to honour.

I'm putting my money where my mouth is, and I will do this. Watch me."

 

See which way the ball rolls after that.

[someone_else]

copied to word, im going to try that. thanks tara maiden, ill let you know what comes of talking