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[CMH22]

Hello all, I'm new here obviously and I'm hoping that I've come to the right place for some help and advice.

 

I'm currently in a LDR. I live in Southern California and she is in Miami, FL. We've been together since April 2010. Things are complicated in the sense that she is still in high school. She graduates this June. I'm 20 and in school and working full time as well. We've known each other for about 5 years and then we just fell for each other out of no where. We saw each other for the first time in August when she came out here for 5 days and I actually proposed to her. We had this amazing moment, where we just knew everything was right. Planning out the wedding, starting a family etc. then I went to see her Labor Day weekend. Things were great between us. We would talk constantly on the phone or skype at least 2 or more hours each day along with texting and all throughout. Then about a week after I left Miami in September from seeing her, everything changed. We found out about a week after that she had a miscarriage from when she was here in August. That devastated her and I hate that I wasn't there to be there and comfort her. Then a couple days after that, she found out her step father had suffered a heart attack and passed away. He was pretty much her real father, she confided in him and was able to really open up to him unlike anyone else. Since that time though, she hasn't been the same girl. She pushed me away and really started to ignore me and go to friends more. She would go out partying and getting really drunk and I hated it. I felt like I was thrown under the bus and I was being completely shut out of everything. Seeing her spend so much time with all her friends really hurt me. (all of her friends are guys and most of them are older) I'm a jealous person as it is and its not helping that she ignores me to be with them. I trust her enough to know she hasn't cheated on me. It just hurts me to see her like this. When we finally talked about it in Mid-November, she pretty much said that she stopped thinking with her heart and started thinking with her head when her step father passed. She said she doesn't want to move out here like she initially planned, and she doesn't want me to make that sacrifice of moving to Miami knowing if we broke up she didn't want to have that on her shoulders. We didn't break up, but thats where things really started getting bad. The cute good morning texts or just keeping a conversation with her for more than 10 minutes became a struggle. She just really seemed uninterested in anything regarding me. She has a lot on her plate right now with school, college, work and her really bad family atmosphere but still. She really puts in no effort in this. I don't know what to do.

 

She was coming out here for Winter Break to see me. About 2 1/2 weeks. Well that didn't happen. She has Hypoglycemia and on the day she was going to fly out she decided to donate blood at school. She went on to faint and then admitted to the hospital the next day. I was beyond outraged and I still am a week and a half later. I still hold this on her and I know I shouldn't. It just pains me to know that I'm trying to hard to make this work and she isn't doing anything. I've lost a lot of trust in her. I almost feel like nothing she says to me is believable. I always question everything she says and does and knowing that she isn't here with me right now makes it that much worse.

 

My birthday is one month away from today and I told her that I wanted to go see her that weekend. She shot me down and said that why would I want to come here? She said she would be busy with school and finals and all that, but seriously can't she make a tiny effort here? Just being there with her even just watching her study for school would make my day. What can I do to pull her out of this rut she's in? Anyone go through anything like this? I know there's probably a lot that i'm not saying right now as far as details so forgive me. I do appreciate whoever takes the time to read this and respond.

[folieadeux]

Welcome aboard.

 

First off, I just want to say that no LDR is ever easy, however I think there are some things you need to keep in perspective here. You both are very young and have alot of other issues to sort out outside of your relationship together. Secondly, it's way too early to be talking about marriage, especially given your ages and time together.

 

I think you need to take things alot slower and don't put so much pressure on the situation. Visiting will not always be easy, even under the best circumstances. My SO and I are both in our late twenties with established careers, yet still have trouble organizing things sometimes due to situations beyond our control. I'm assuming your SO will be going to college upon graduation? If so, and assuming this doesn't close the gap a bit, this will be another issue to contend with, in addition to finances as most college students have a limited income or none at all. I'm not saying all this to scare you, just trying to prepare you for the realities of the situation. These are the things you should be focusing on if you're serious about making things work.

[CMH22]

Thank you for the response.

 

I get the fact that we're both still young and that we both still have a lot of growing up to do and many things to accomplish in our lives. The biggest issue I have right now is just the fact that I feel like I'm giving so much trying to make this work and she isn't. I've been ignored by her so much and pushed aside for nearly every friend, family member or event. It just baffles my mind that we were so good at one point that it all just clicked, and now I'm grateful to get her on the phone for more than 10 minutes.

 

She does plan on staying in FLA for college. She's already got her AA by entering early into JC. She is on the right path and I want to support her all I can. She just doesn't give me the chance to do it unfortunately. She has set many goals for herself that she wants to accomplish and she told me straight up she isn't going to let anyone or any guy stand in her way. It really baffles me that at one point she would do anything in the world for me and now I can't even get her to stay in on weekend night and skype with me or even talk on the phone. I just feel like she is being so selfish and I get it that she needs to look out for herself, but since September she became a robot in the sense of not having that balance of thinking with your head and heart. The more I try, the more she pushes me away. She goes through the motions saying I love you and I miss you, but she doesn't show it. Everyone that I've discussed this with thinks I'm being played and to cut loose. I've bought her many things and I barely get a thank you out of it. I just want to know that she actually cares. The distance has really took a toll on me mentally and my trust/jealousy is really starting to show up. She hangs out with this guy pretty much 24/7 who she calls her "big brother" but I just can't help but feel uncomfortable with the situation, but if I bring it up that I'm uncomfortable with it she just goes on this rant that they're just friends and nothing is ever going to happen and she loves me etc. etc. Its just hard to believe in someone who just shuts me out you know?

 

Sorry for these long rants lol. Once I get typing I can't be stopped apparently.

Edited December 27, 2010 by CMH22

[folieadeux]

Thank you for the response.

 

I get the fact that we're both still young and that we both still have a lot of growing up to do and many things to accomplish in our lives. The biggest issue I have right now is just the fact that I feel like I'm giving so much trying to make this work and she isn't. I've been ignored by her so much and pushed aside for nearly every friend, family member or event. It just baffles my mind that we were so good at one point that it all just clicked, and now I'm grateful to get her on the phone for more than 10 minutes.

 

She does plan on staying in FLA for college. She's already got her AA by entering early into JC. She is on the right path and I want to support her all I can. She just doesn't give me the chance to do it unfortunately. She has set many goals for herself that she wants to accomplish and she told me straight up she isn't going to let anyone or any guy stand in her way. It really baffles me that at one point she would do anything in the world for me and now I can't even get her to stay in on weekend night and skype with me or even talk on the phone. I just feel like she is being so selfish and I get it that she needs to look out for herself, but since September she became a robot in the sense of not having that balance of thinking with your head and heart. The more I try, the more she pushes me away. She goes through the motions saying I love you and I miss you, but she doesn't show it. Everyone that I've discussed this with thinks I'm being played and to cut loose. I've bought her many things and I barely get a thank you out of it. I just want to know that she actually cares. The distance has really took a toll on me mentally and my trust/jealousy is really starting to show up. She hangs out with this guy pretty much 24/7 who she calls her "big brother" but I just can't help but feel uncomfortable with the situation, but if I bring it up that I'm uncomfortable with it she just goes on this rant that they're just friends and nothing is ever going to happen and she loves me etc. etc. Its just hard to believe in someone who just shuts me out you know?

 

Sorry for these long rants lol. Once I get typing I can't be stopped apparently.

 

Her not communicating is a whole different issue. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell what the cause is. She could be losing interest, or require less communication than you. Also, she may just not be ready for the type of relationship you are at this point in time for various reasons. Being in an LDR requires a whole different type of committment, which she just may not be able to give you right now. You need to carve out some time to sit down and have a chat with her to ensure you're on the same page with things. If not, it's better you know now and can move on with your life. If after the conversation, you're satisifed with where her head is at in regards to your relationship, then you need to address your concerns with her. If you can't be open and honest with her about them and have her try to come up with a solution along with you, then there's no point.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[creighton0123]

Rants are fine. Rants are perfectly acceptable in LDR's. However, the problems you two seem to be facing transcend the normal problems LDR couples experience: Anxiety, stress, loneliness, confusion, guilt, and insecurity. These typical manifest due to the physical absence of the partner and the uncertainty of reuniting.

 

The miscarriage and the loss of her father most definitely made her insecure and afraid. You shouldn't necessarily latch onto the fact that she hangs out with this other guy so much if she has never done anything to lose your trust previously. The fact that she calls him 'big brother' indicates that he might be relieving the anxiety that she has at the loss of her father.

 

She's just graduating high school. Meaning she's 17 or 18. You're 20. This is very early for those attending college/university to be discussing marriage. If you have the opportunity in the future, please please PLEASE practice safer sex. If she is not on birth control, use condoms every single time. Neither of you seem prepared to have a child.

 

She's also entering the phase in her life where she is going to want to go out, socialize, and party more. Some people don't go through that phase, but quite a few do. You should respect that - it is her way of venturing into the world.

 

When it comes to LDR's, communication can't be forced. If it is constantly you reaching out and her only accepting your attempts to talk to her occasionally and ignoring you the remainder of the time, there's some serious red flagging going on. Next time you talk to her, ask her questions about how she feels about your relationship. Don't accuse her of anything, be rational, be calm. You may like the answers, you may not like the answers. Either way, end the call leaving communication in her hands. If she knows that it's up to her to contact you next and she doesn't, that's the last major red flag that you need to reevaluate not how you feel about her (you love her and that is obvious), but whether or not this relationship is healthy enough to endure further longevity.

[CMH22]

So things took a big turn today. She lied to me last night and went drinking and she told me she wasn't drinking. So I turned off her phone line and her Iphone 4 since its on my account. She freaked out when I told her I was planning on doing it pretty much begging me not to and we should talk first. I had already done it. I told her that I'm done with the games and with her taking advantage of me. I'm not messing around anymore and I need her to understand this. If she wants to be in a relationship and have all the benefits of what I provide then she needs to act like it and show she does. So a little while later she went on to delete me on facebook and detag all of our photos together from her albums. We're going to skype video chat tonight and talk it out and see where things are but I'm scared that this may be the end and I'm really shell shocked right now. I don't want to lose her I really don't, but I don't know what else to do here.

[recuerdeme]

I feel for you bro and I know where you are coming from. It's tough being the one who is doing most of the "loving" in the relationship.

 

I haven't figured out my own situation yet but communication is key, although it may be hard to get.

[aerogurl87]

So things took a big turn today. She lied to me last night and went drinking and she told me she wasn't drinking. So I turned off her phone line and her Iphone 4 since its on my account. She freaked out when I told her I was planning on doing it pretty much begging me not to and we should talk first. I had already done it. I told her that I'm done with the games and with her taking advantage of me. I'm not messing around anymore and I need her to understand this. If she wants to be in a relationship and have all the benefits of what I provide then she needs to act like it and show she does. So a little while later she went on to delete me on facebook and detag all of our photos together from her albums. We're going to skype video chat tonight and talk it out and see where things are but I'm scared that this may be the end and I'm really shell shocked right now. I don't want to lose her I really don't, but I don't know what else to do here.

 

She sounds immature and it sounds like you can do better. Most high school students aren't emotionally or financially ready for the demands of a LDR. I'm not saying all aren't, but I really think that was an immature thing of her to do since facebook means alot to people nowadays. But on the other hand, you should've talked to her before cutting off her cell phone. Yes it is good you told her that you won't put up with her behaviour, but you should've done the skype call first, talked things out to see where you were, AND then if she was still not willing to change, cut off her phone.

[CMH22]

I agree that I could have handled this a bit better, but its just been a chain reaction as of late and this finally just set me off. She prides herself in her maturity cus shes a SR in high school and already almost done with her AA for college. She has a lot of older friends. She actually only hangs out with older friends. So she thinks due to that and her work environment that she's older than she thinks she is, but in reality she does have a lot to learn and her maturity as far as a relationship isn't very high. Her one pet peeve is when I question her due to her age or maturity and that starts fights. She needs to be realistic here and realize she isn't perfect and not everything is going to work out the way she wants. I just hope this talk actually does something and opens her eyes to what she truly is doing and leads her in the right direction. If not and she truly just is using me for perks and to have a fiance 2300 miles away and knowing she can still do as she pleases. I love that girl more than anything in the world and the funny part is that she is the one that wanted to move things along so fast with the relationship, the ILYs, the proposal, the pregnancy and all. So I got on board with that and all of a sudden she just goes dark on me so I'm just sitting here with the dumb look on my face wondering what happened.

[folieadeux]

Really immature of her, regardless of her age. There are people twice her age and beyond that swing this sort of thing and think it's okay. It's not always a case of the number...but you'd obviously be better equipped to tell than us. I think for her, it seems like she's not ready at all to commit to the type of relationship you are.

 

Regardless of what happens in the context of your relationship, I would definitely talk to her first though before cutting off her phone. At least give her a warning before in case that's her only way of getting in contact with friends, family, etc. in case of an emergency.

[HeavenOrHell]

I totally agree with this.

 

 

 

First, I think that she's experiencing some kind of fall out from the miscarriage and death of her SF. If she won't let you help her with that, then there's not much you can do in that regard.

 

Next, events in life do change/shape us. We learn and grow from our life experiences. You're both very young and have a lot to come in your lives. You're both very likely to change through the coming years. Meaning, the woman you love now may not be the same woman in a year from now...and on the flip side, you may not be the same person as you are now.

 

I will say that you're too young to be tied down to a LDR. She's telling you in every way she can that she's not wanting this right now. The best thing you can do is let her go and be her friend. Things may change as time passes, but don't tie your heart to her. Go out and live your own life and see what it has to offer. That's the best thing for both of you right now.