Don't really understand what happened here

[spiderowl]

Hi, sorry about the long post. I'm wondering if anyone can shed some light on this situation for me? I'm feeling very guilty and somewhat anxious and I don't know how this happened.

 

Quick background - met guy on internet and we had a lot in common intellectually. Very much liked the sound of him and he was attentive and romantic. We ended up meeting and had a brief relationship. After a short while, I realised there was insufficient attraction on my part for me to continue with him but he was wanting to get more serious. I felt awful but had to tell him it wasn't going to work.

 

We decided to stay friends all the same though I didn't know whether he'd want to at first. He sent me messages, texts, emails and often phoned and I responded. In some respects, it was almost as if we were still together but I did feel this intensity was perhaps too much to sustain. Occasionally, I didn't feel up to responding to an email or was really busy and mentally tired so didn't respond to a text. I have a very demanding job and have been fully occupied with urgent and complex jobs recently. I didn't see the lack of communication as a big deal but he did. He has always had a way of gently chiding me if I didn't respond when he expected me too and although I felt this, it seemed a minor pressure compared with the importance of keeping a friendship. Maybe it was understandable too? I'm just not sure.

 

He complained about me not answering him recently, more or less saying I wasn't meeting his expectations of a friend. I had been feeling particularly pressured at work and home and all of sudden something inside me rebelled against this subtle pressure. I think I pointed out in an email that I was sorry I wasn't meeting his expectations but I was often busy and pressured and that I'd prefer communication with a friend to be more casual and relaxed. He took offence and responded by effectively threatening withdrawal of friendship. I guess I should have apologised for upsetting him but by this time I was getting past caring. I felt stressed and depressed generally and now I was failing him and I didn't want to feel guilty about it. He didn't seem to understand that I had responsibilities. He sent me something too and I suddenly couldn't face opening it. I hadn't expected him to send me anything, it was unsolicited and I'd rather he hadn't, and I just felt it was going to make me feel even more guilty about letting him down.

 

So that's the position now. I have failed to be the friend he wants and now don't know what to do. I know I do not want to open the gift. Am I being totally crazy here? He's written to say that if I'm feeling he's a pressure that this is not what was intended and that he's bowing out. He is, however, sending me verses which suggest that this is a moment in time and we making fateful choices. Really, he is making a point that I am wrecking things.

 

I do know I'm feeling anxious about this. I've pushed it to the back of my mind most days. I care about this man and don't want to hurt him but he expects regular attention from me, daily, and I'm not sure that's right. I guess I should apologise for my failures and try to redeem this situation but for some reason I just don't want to. Inwardly, I'm rebelling and at the same time feeling guilty for it. I'm confused about my strong response and desire to shut the whole situation out of my head. Please help me to work out what's going on here and what to do next? Maybe I'm blowing this out of all proportion? Am I better to just give up here and return the package unopened or what? Somehow, I know it will upset me more opening it as it will have some pointed comment in it. I feel in an impossible position somehow. This is likely to resolve itself by default, I know, but I don't want things to end like this.

Edited December 27, 2010 by spiderowl

[vandelay]

Sounds like you have been far more accommodating than most would be. It also sounds like this guy is trying to maintain a type of relationship which isn't even there. He is not being reasonable. It would probably be a good idea to return the gift unopened and just let him know that you aren't feeling the same way as him. You do not have to answer to him. He sounds very controlling, and you sound like a serious, intelligent, dedicated woman. You deserve better.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your reply which is very helpful. I know I am feeling predominantly guilty here, but is it fair of someone to convey what expectations they have of a friend? I don't do this with my friends. I'm just glad when they do communicate with me, but maybe I'm unusually undemanding in that respect.

[spiderowl]

Any other thoughts?

[Graceful]

Spiderowl,

 

I am very concerned for you here, and want you to know that your instincts are on target. Stop feeling guilty and use your energy and common sense to remove this man from you life. Your guilt is ill-founded and I am here to tell you that he is has manipulated you quite cleverly and sees what a nice and vulnerable woman you are, and has used you as a "target" for that reason.

 

Quick background - met guy on internet and we had a lot in common intellectually. Very much liked the sound of him and he was attentive and romantic. We ended up meeting and had a brief relationship. After a short while, I realised there was insufficient attraction on my part for me to continue with him but he was wanting to get more serious. I felt awful but had to tell him it wasn't going to work.

If you met him on a dating site, I can understand why you followed through to meet him. What I am not clear on is why you stayed friends with him, and I don't see why you "felt awful" about it, when you only knew him for a short time. Unless I am reading this improperly, I see your feelings as being more of a response to him and how he was making you feel, rather than what you were feeling FOR him in your heart. By that I mean, he was disappointed that you didn't want to see him and let you see that, and rather than just leaving it at that, you took on feelings of guilt and decided to continue a friendship, for what you can now see were the wrong reasons.

 

We decided to stay friends all the same though I didn't know whether he'd want to at first. He sent me messages, texts, emails and often phoned and I responded. In some respects, it was almost as if we were still together but I did feel this intensity was perhaps too much to sustain.

This is completely inappropriate, I hope you see that now. Again, I do not know if you met him on a dating site, I do not know what your goals for dating are, if you want marriage, if you want NSA, if you want a LTR, what ever you want, this man was not offering you much of anything other than annoyance. When you did not feel like responding, when you were fatigued or busy, a "friend" would understand that. A "friend" would not expect to be treated like a BF. A "friend" does not even speak, text, email, or otherwise communicate every single day, or multiple times a day. That's not what "friends" do. So feeling pressured on your part was only normal, and you were made to feel horribly uncomfortable by his behavior.

This is selfish, controlling, obsessive, inappropriate behavior in anyone's book. He did not understand or cut you any slack for having a demanding job, and he certainly did not respect you in your career role.

 

He has always had a way of gently chiding me if I didn't respond when he expected me too and although I felt this, it seemed a minor pressure compared with the importance of keeping a friendship. Maybe it was understandable too? I'm just not sure.

Actually, no, it was not understandable. This is what's called a dig. Maybe he was "gently chiding you" but when done on a constant basis, it's a put down.

 

In ultimately threatening to withdraw friendship, you should have told him that was fine with you. That obviously you were no longer compatible and that your versions of "friendship" were not in sync. But instead you again, thought you should apologize ... so I am wondering if you have people pleasing tendencies and do not know the difference between a healthy boundary and an unhealthy boundary. You need to learn your boundaries, b/c this man obviously was way out line, and you did not have your boundaries set up to see that. He could see you have no personal boundaries, that's why he barged right into your life.

 

I felt stressed and depressed generally and now I was failing him and I didn't want to feel guilty about it. He didn't seem to understand that I had responsibilities.

No he did not understand b/c he is selfish, manipulative, and was playing you. This man is quite a piece of work!

 

I agree, the package should be returned, unopened by you. There should be no guilt associated with it, actually. It is more manipulation on his part, this is not sincere emotion by any definition.

 

You seem to be more concerned that you are "letting him down" that you are in removing him from your life so you can befriend a normal man who deserves your kindness and respects you as an equal and real partner.

 

So that's the position now. I have failed to be the friend he wants and now don't know what to do. I know I do not want to open the gift. Am I being totally crazy here?

You are not crazy, your gut is telling you something. This man is projecting all kinds of insanity onto you, making you think you have a r/l that is basically non-existent, except in his head.

 

I guess I should apologise for my failures and try to redeem this situation but for some reason I just don't want to. Inwardly, I'm rebelling and at the same time feeling guilty for it. I'm confused about my strong response and desire to shut the whole situation out of my head. Please help me to work out what's going on here and what to do next? Maybe I'm blowing this out of all proportion?

Sorry to keep repeating myself here, but I feel you need to hear this. You are not blowing this up out of proportion -- he's the one who has blown your so-called friendship out of proportion. For all you know, he has a few "friendships" with women he has met on the Internet, and I would not be surprised if he's playing them all like puppets until they wise up, and then he moves on to others.

 

You are not in an impossible situation, you need to take control of your life here, and remove him, completely. He sounds like a real head case and what's worse, he has you second guessing yourself.

 

Remove him and don't look back. Then seek help through a therapist or get some counselling to work on your self-esteem and personal boundaries and don't let anyone do this to you again. You're a lovely, kind, intelligent woman who is being manipulated by a master manipulator and now that you have had this experience, you will know what to avoid in the future.

Return the package. Remove him from your life asap. Take care. And stay off the internet for a while, do not try to meet any more men until you understand yourself a bit better.

Edited December 28, 2010 by Graceful

[spiderowl]

Thanks for taking the trouble to respond. I do feel he is trying to get a response from me rather than just leaving me to respond when I want to, but if he had not given me much to think about and a certain kindness, I would not feel so bothered by this.

 

I am paying attention to my feelings here and they seem to be telling me to switch off, then periodically I feel this dread that I've made a big mistake. I don't like hurting people and he obviously feels let down. I can't see a way forward because I don't want to be treading on egg-shells over whether I'm meeting his standards or not. I do think you are right about the digs, though I'm sure none of this is intentional and he'd be horrified if he thought it was.