For the first time, I have been getting the urge to break NC..

[Movingthrough]

Well in my other posts I have been bragging about how I never have the urge to break NC, I havent broken it in over a month now and honestly dont think I would but I felt the urge today for the first time.

 

Its been hard over the holidays, I didnt message her, she didnt message me, and subconsciously I wish I did I guess. Im having a problem with NC because of acceptance I think, to actually think wow this is done for good is so hard to accept. The main problem I have had hands down has been her moving on, I feel like her life is moving forward with this new guy and Im sitting around thinking about her all the time, its a crazy feeling. I believe in NC but I know hands down anything I say will fix nothing, but I def. havent felt great doing it.

 

I was actually doing ok and feeling better but because my group of friends is tied into her and most of them think Im over it, things come up and its ruins my day. I was on the phone with a friend a few minutes ago and they made a comment about how she is sitting in Iowa or something waiting to fly out and meet her new guys family and ****.

 

The second I heard that I felt like ****, I cannot stand how something like that can "control" me so much. Its just like facebook, I use the site for what it was intended for, but I feel every time I go on there Im dodging certain people so I dont accidentally see something having to do with her.

 

Seriously? I feel like a 15 year old. Ive known for months she has had a new guy, they have been on a hundred trips, there are millions of pictures...this should not be new news to me or anything special. Its just so hard to think of her so "done" with this I guess.

 

I know we are all on here for our own reasons but Im not the type of person that is used to all of this, it almost worries me that I feel so out of control with my thoughts especially when its so obvious its over.

 

Thanks for listening, just having a really bad day and night and I dont want to break NC, so any insight it appreciated..

[GreenPolicy]

Don't break NC. Doing so communicates weakness and neediness.

[dmncoldworldgrl87]

Dont break NC...i did it to text my ex merry christmas and he did end up replying but it just made me feel worse and i was doing so well....i cried last night and now i feel like im back at square one....def not worth it...stay strong!!!!

[AbsoluteSucker]

Hopefully just writing about the situation made you feel a little better. I've been through a similar situation and there is no easy fix. I thought about breaking the NC today or at least check out her FB page and see what is going on, but didn't. No matter how it looks on the outside, life is hard and her life isn't perfect either. Sometimes the unhappier people are, the more they try to keep up appearances.

 

Just keep telling yourself that you will only make yourself feel worse by contacting her; its just not going to make a difference. You know that. You just have to keep the faith that you are doing the right things and its all going to improve. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will find it, you just can't take any steps back, because its just going to take that much longer to get through. Stay strong and keep posting if need be.

[Movingthrough]

Hopefully just writing about the situation made you feel a little better. I've been through a similar situation and there is no easy fix. I thought about breaking the NC today or at least check out her FB page and see what is going on, but didn't. No matter how it looks on the outside, life is hard and her life isn't perfect either. Sometimes the unhappier people are, the more they try to keep up appearances.

 

Just keep telling yourself that you will only make yourself feel worse by contacting her; its just not going to make a difference. You know that. You just have to keep the faith that you are doing the right things and its all going to improve. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will find it, you just can't take any steps back, because its just going to take that much longer to get through. Stay strong and keep posting if need be.

 

Just responded to your post and if you read my other ones we are in the same boat.

 

The funny thing is even if i did break NC i wouldnt even know what to say. Part of me just wants to "accept" it and work the angle i have which is the fact that i know something is still there. The reality is, usually when you dont burn the bridge and keep things normal, people can gain feelings again. But even in that, i could never trust her again, which is why i hate this so much. The writing has been on the wall over and over again, yet something as simple as facebook or an off the wall comment about her, ruins my night.

 

I read other posts on here and i feel like a complete idiot, i was only with my girl for about 6 months, didnt even live with her, but it was something that was brewing for years and was very much a HUGE infatuation that neither of us ever thought would happen, which in turn made it so intense that it moved so fast in that six months.

 

I feel like i cant even put a definition on what makes me "miss" her so much. She has a backround for infidelity, was willing to cheat with me with her ex, was also willing to do it again with me with the guy she is currently with, and doesnt even live near me. How much more proof do you need?

 

Ehh i fell lost, and i think this is all physical and infatuation, but something is there i cant put a finger on..

[AbsoluteSucker]

Feelings are feelings and the problem with a shorter relationship is that you feel like you got screwed out of a longer future together, which can make the feelings more intense.

 

The trust thing is huge and is almost more frustrating, because even if she did want to come back, you couldn't even do it in good conscious, because in your mind it would end up as a failed relationship anyway, because there is no trust on your end. It's absolute purgatory and a constant limbo. Trust is also something we learn more about as we get older I think too, I don't know. This is all a learning vessel.

 

I don't know, I feel stupid all the time, which is why I can't even talk to my friends about it, because they were tired of hearing about 5 months ago which is why the anonymous posting is nice. Once you get past the "catching up" then the conversation turns into a big pile of s*** and awkwardness.

 

I know there is no chance of it working out for me, but yeah just kind exploring the possibilities and talking about it out loud gets you out of your head and provides some prospective on a stupid situation, f******up thing. I'd like to be better and above it, but I'm not.

[Movingthrough]

Feelings are feelings and the problem with a shorter relationship is that you feel like you got screwed out of a longer future together, which can make the feelings more intense.

 

The trust thing is huge and is almost more frustrating, because even if she did want to come back, you couldn't even do it in good conscious, because in your mind it would end up as a failed relationship anyway, because there is no trust on your end. It's absolute purgatory and a constant limbo. Trust is also something we learn more about as we get older I think too, I don't know. This is all a learning vessel.

 

I don't know, I feel stupid all the time, which is why I can't even talk to my friends about it, because they were tired of hearing about 5 months ago which is why the anonymous posting is nice. Once you get past the "catching up" then the conversation turns into a big pile of s*** and awkwardness.

 

I know there is no chance of it working out for me, but yeah just kind exploring the possibilities and talking about it out loud gets you out of your head and provides some prospective on a stupid situation, f******up thing. I'd like to be better and above it, but I'm not.

 

Its funny you say that because sometimes i do feel like we never had a chance. Its too long to get into but because of distance, time and current events when we met it was never "normal". Mine was actually one of those things where if any one of you saw it on the outside you would be like WTF? Are you seriuos? That had no chance of ever working out. BUT now that things are more normal in both of our lives its like wow wouldnt it be nice to give it a real shot. I was actually good for months but when i came home she called to say whats up, very mature, polite and no mention of the past really. The next day i wake up to texts saying she is in a daze, her feelings are all over and she cant get me off her mind. Now this was not some immature stuff, we are both almost 30 and i could tell she was confused. Thats what ultimately got me to the bad point im at now. Just like you said in your other post, you know the feelings are there but nothing is being done about it.

 

Im probably going to end up talking to a Psych. or something coming up. Mostly because while i think break ups are hard, this is a little too much on my end, when someone is so moved on like she is and im sitting here in it all the time, i feel like there is more issues going on with anxiety etc. I just dont think its normal.

 

I "feel" at this point i should be at least somewhat moved on or at least in a stage where its like screw it. Like i said, that phone call today was not new news, so it shouldnt have messed my head up at all.

[AbsoluteSucker]

I guess this is what this place is for, because I feel like this is the only outlet I've had to at least talk about the pathetic actions and thoughts that have been going through my head for the past six months.

 

After I found out she was moving back, I saw a shrink for 10 sessions, I'm not going to say it didn't help, because it did, but I'm still looking for avenues to get some of this stuff off my chest, cuz she's still moving back and I want to be over it by then and be calm and confident and tell it's too late. Whether you're talking about it to a shrink or on a message board, for me, its honestly better then talking to friends, cuz I can share my stupid thoughts and not feel judged by people I know. I agree, its ridiculous to feel like this.

 

She's 26 and I'm 30, so its getting to be that serious point in our life where we are trying to grow up. The the biggest problem I'm having is that it doesn't make sense, it only does in her mind and nothing I can do is going to change that.

 

I don't know what normal is, but you have a lot of people here in the same boat. I think about things 24/7, which can't be normal, and I'm not even hoping that we get back together. My subconscious keeps feeding me reasons why it could possibly work, which is why writing about that here at least gives me chance digest it and realize how dumb it is. I just can't honestly tell myself that if she said the right thing, we couldn't pick up where we left off and by writing on the message boards I want to get passed that point and know that I am 100% over it.

 

At the end of the day, while this is about the girls that have a hold on us, it's also an opportunity to examine our lives. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'm doing everything in my power to work and do my own thing and hope to move on from this at some point.

[Movingthrough]

I guess this is what this place is for, because I feel like this is the only outlet I've had to at least talk about the pathetic actions and thoughts that have been going through my head for the past six months.

 

After I found out she was moving back, I saw a shrink for 10 sessions, I'm not going to say it didn't help, because it did, but I'm still looking for avenues to get some of this stuff off my chest, cuz she's still moving back and I want to be over it by then and be calm and confident and tell it's too late. Whether you're talking about it to a shrink or on a message board, for me, its honestly better then talking to friends, cuz I can share my stupid thoughts and not feel judged by people I know. I agree, its ridiculous to feel like this.

 

She's 26 and I'm 30, so its getting to be that serious point in our life where we are trying to grow up. The the biggest problem I'm having is that it doesn't make sense, it only does in her mind and nothing I can do is going to change that.

 

I don't know what normal is, but you have a lot of people here in the same boat. I think about things 24/7, which can't be normal, and I'm not even hoping that we get back together. My subconscious keeps feeding me reasons why it could possibly work, which is why writing about that here at least gives me chance digest it and realize how dumb it is. I just can't honestly tell myself that if she said the right thing, we couldn't pick up where we left off and by writing on the message boards I want to get passed that point and know that I am 100% over it.

 

At the end of the day, while this is about the girls that have a hold on us, it's also an opportunity to examine our lives. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'm doing everything in my power to work and do my own thing and hope to move on from this at some point.

 

Yeah just like you are saying in your other thread its funny to me how this stuff is so "uncontrollable". I find myself sitting here thinking wow i spend half my day on her while she is off living her life. Im not even mad to be honest, i realize that if someone walked into my life right now and gave me that spark that i would be doing the same thing but that has been the hardest thing for me how im stuck in the pattern of her when in reality she is moved on. Ehh its hard to even type that.

 

Guys like us that think our asses off all the time are constantly trying to figure it out when in reality its a lot easier then we make it out to be. If its not going on right now and we arent with that person, then we arent, thats it. Just easier said then done, but im around your age too and i never thought at this age that the feelings would be so uncontrollable, figured maturity would and experience would outweigh it.

[suddendumpee]

Im in the exact same boat and feeling the exact same way, and I'm 32 years old. It appears the mind and body matures, but the heart does not. This feels the same as when I love my first love at the age of 19. So frustrating.....and I was a PSYCH major. haha.

[AbsoluteSucker]

There is really nothing to be mad at, if they don't want to be with us, there is nothing we can do. I'm more angry with myself for finding myself in this mess and for feeling this way about someone who doesn't want to be with me. At the end of the day, it is pretty simple and easy.

 

For me, it just seems like she has this tunnel vision on what she needs to do and nothing is going to get in her way. She has it in her mind that I'm the "easy way out" and it doesn't matter how she feels about me, she wants to accomplish some individual goals and not have everything handed to her, which I kinda respect in some f***** up way. The problem that we had is that I loved her, so I wanted to make life easy and better for her, it just came naturally. I didn't know how not to do that, it would have been like I was holding back, which seems pointless.

 

At the end of the day, in our mind we both know our situations aren't going to work out, but we are just trying to make sense of it, when in reality, people do senseless things all the time, because they are drunk, scared of commitment, immature or whatever.

 

Age aint nothing but a number and at the very least we are handling this in a semi-positive way, I mean we're not calling them everyday, texting or crying to them why are they doing this to us. So, we are being semi-mature. These situations don't come along very often and in my 30 years in life, she's the only one that caused me to see a shrink and bear my soul on a message board. If this was every chick, then that might be a problem.

 

Obviously, I don't know the inner details of your situation, but moving on is pretty abstract. I can honestly say that right now, I could find a "girlfriend" or sleep with someone regularly and not be "moved on". She's "living her life", but unless she's got some unlimited funds or whatever, I mean she's working and struggling like everyone else, so it's not like her life is perfect, she's just trying to figure it out, as are you.

 

I think its a good thing that you have that feeling that there is something more there. At least you have an idea what your looking for or what's possible, because the last thing I want to do is end up with somebody where that feeling isn't there and pigeon hole yourself in a unhappy serious relationship or even married and not have that special type of feeling about someone.

[Movingthrough]

Yeah i have never been one of those guys that goes nuts with the texts, emails whatever, but i did do more with her then i ever would. For months after we broke up we stayed in contact and i was trying to "prove" to her that i was doing better and we could make it work. During that, she was seeing another guy, its funny how you know your getting screwed but you do it anyway.

 

I look back on my life and i have done the same thing, everyone has, if you meet someone that does it for you more then the one you are with, most will take it, especially if you arent married or super serious.

 

I find myself thinking though when this pattern will end. I hate the idea of having to find something else to get over this one but thats pretty much the point its at. With me though, i feel like the earth or whatever is telling me to chill out because every single effort i have made as far as dating has fallen through since her. Even online i have tried and after hundreds of messages i have literally gotten nothing back but thanks but no thanks. Funny thing is as much as i type here and vent so much which me look like some ugly nutjob, Im actually a very successful in shape good looking guy, but with my job and the way i am, im not mister social with a hundred social circles. So as far as "getting out there" and moving past, its been almost impossible.

 

On my off days which are scattered, i do the same thing all the time and fight myself because i feel like i have nothing going on. I have never in my life been like this, and could sit around all day doing nothing, just relaxing and be fine. But every since i moved to a new area, and all this drama happened, i feel like im stuck in a moving stream.

 

I guess im at the point now where i wish i knew when this would end, i hate the idea that i have to be with someone else to make this go away, but im man enough to admit that i dont see what else could change it. Im actually at the place where i dont even know why im thinking of her anymore, i really dont. I dont want to be with her and even on a sexual level it was never that good. All i can think of is the rejection factor and the whole "my life is great" (her) makes me feel like ****. I remember months ago she told a friend that she was the happiest she has ever been, yet for months i have been the most unhappy i have ever been...

Edited December 27, 2010 by Movingthrough

[AbsoluteSucker]

If you find something that works let me know. I work from home, live alone and all I got is my thoughts. I love my job, its a great job and I don't want to give it up, but, man, the isolation just makes this worse. My friends are cool, but they have their own stuff going on. Used to hit the local bar scene 3-5 times a week, but that didn't do much, expect make me even angrier after 8-10 beers.

 

Being with someone else isn't going make it better, but its just a necessary step in the right direction. After doing the one-night stand phase at my local bars, I tried the online thing. Met a wealthy, 40 year old, decent looking cougar who was into a strictly physical relationship and wanted nothing serious. I forced myself to do it for three weeks, it was empty, didn't really help, but it was something and better than being at home alone.

 

Unless we just don't care or are given unbelievable, forceable advise from those closest to us, we all fall into that post-breakup trap where we want to be the "good guy" remind them of what they had and hope it triggers something to make a difference. Obviously, it doesn't work, but it happens to the best of us.

 

You're just in the midst of the s*it, its winter, short days, just keep trudging through. My thinking is that if I can just stay on course with the NC and stay productive, hopefully in the Spring, things will be better. That's my goal...