Elpaca Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Hello All, It's been a hectic couple of months and I really need advice. I recently broke up with my ex of four yrs about 3.5 months ago. About a wk before my breakup, one of my guy friends became the love of my life. I ended things with my ex, who was abusive both mentally and physically. I thought God was giving me a 2nd chance and telling me to take this chance at love. I know I've made the right choice, but the past is still haunting my current relationship. My new BF offered that I stay with him while I got back on my feet. We lived together for two months in happy bliss until he dropped the I need my own place bit(which I'm sure his sis sang into his ear). Yea, I have a slight problem with how controlling his little sis is. He tells me that she is his best friend, he tells her everything and respects her. But he needs to realize you can't tell her EVERYTHING!! Mind you I was looking for apts, guess I wasn't moving fast enough. I love him and truly know he is my soul-mate and he tells me he feels the same way. So about 2 wks ago my ex called my job yelling at me to pay on a bill that was no longer my responsibility. He then threatened my family and I later he attempted to follow me.He called back and apologized. But I couldn't take the threat lightly after seeing him on my side of town. I felt like my life ,my family's and my bf's lives were in danger. My new bf freaked out and said that my ex is out to get him and that he doesn't feel safe and neither should I. Okay so we end up hiding out and dodging all the places in the neighborhood where my ex could show up. It was a very nerve racking week. I am finally moved into my place and my bf stayed with me for a couple of days, then he goes back to his place b/c his sis is coming into town and he has to watch her dog. Well Xmas was in a few days and he comes over four days before to tell me he needs space and that the situation has got him all out of order. He says when he looks at me he feels sad, he says that everyone should have a space to transition between relationship and that I didn't have that necessary time. What I pointed out to him was that I ended things with my ex mentally two years before we actually officially broke up. He says that the past is still haunting me and us and that I need to take some time to myself. Is he saying he wants to break up with me? I think it is that he doesn't want karma to bite him and he truly feels guilt for how we hooked up. But how long is he going to beat himself up? I am trying to respect him and his space and I feel it is a great time for me to really establish my independence. My ex said that I could never survive on my own or with him. What to do? I asked my bf he wanted to breakup? I mean he can't look at me without associating me with all that has happened. I feel in a way he is blaming me. Another thing is that his sister is navigating his life.She knows all about the situation and I feel like she is sitting on his shoulder and whispering what he should do about OUR relationship. As you can tell this is very annoying to me. I am being respectful of his space and establishing my own routine. It just hurts to not be with the person you love. He came over today and spend and hour and half with me.He is sick and has a really bad cold, so I left him alone and he took a nap. Yet he had time to talk on the phone to his friend about a video game and text his sister multiple times. Yet he talked about trite normal things with me. I even showed him a picture I drew about my feeling and the relationship. All he could say was that is nice and I yea we need space. I am feeling like I am on the back burner, I don't want to come off as clingy or overbearing. That is why I decided to make my own New Year plans. When I try to ask him what he is doing, I get nothing. So I figure he wants space like for awhile..a couple of months. Doesn't he realize I respect his decision, but I still want to be with him. WTF!!!! I am so confused,hurt and I feel like he puts his sister, the dogs and friends before me. I understand he has been out of it b/c someone threatened his life and he needs to get back to normal. I just need to know how handle the situation and handle my sanity. Thank you for reading and giving your advice it is much appreciated. One confused woman who doesn't want to lose my cosmic soul-mate. Yet doesn't know how to give space. I admit to that as being my fault.
ShatteredReality Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 It does sound like you need to take some time to survive on your own. You'll be amazed to figure out who you really are - not defined by the abusive man you're chained to at home, or even the prince charming you have on his way to pick you up for a dinner date. Too often, when we immerse ourselves so completely in a relationship, we lose our identity to it. It's no longer "I like to" but "We like to" and it's not "I am free" it's "We're free" to attend....it's worth it to have that belonging with the person that you love so incredibly, but it's also very important that we try to keep a semblance of ourselves in tact. For the weekend that he goes out with the boys, or the emotional breakdown he has that leaves us alone for months...or if the relationship turns sideways and ends completely, or if it stays the same and everything is perfect all the time no matter what - you still need to know that person who you really are...the individual you. That's who our men fall in love with, and that's who we fall in love with...so take this time and through the pain and resentment you no doubt feel, learn about you. Try not to worry so much about him or about your relationship...those things will come....if he sees how well you're doing and coping maybe he'll realize he needs to come back to you...and if for some reason he doesn't - the kicker is that you really will be ok without him.
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