vaxathrax Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I apologize in advance for the wall of text I'm sure that I already have the answer, but some advice from total strangers might make me feel more sure about what is going on. I was dating someone for about a month. Three times we ended up at one of her old and great male friend's house who also happens to be the person that introduced the girl I was seeing to her now ex-boyfriend. I didn't think anything of it, and neither did the ex. The last time we went was for some dinner party and everything seemed to be going ok. Her ex got uncomfortable and decided to leave... she went out to talk to him and disappeared for about 30 minutes. I felt like an idiot just sitting there. Everything was normal when she got back and we had a good time the rest of the night...and on the way out I got the 'lets just be friends.' We were both drunk, and I really had nothing to say that would have been worthwhile, so I shook her hand and went home without saying anything. That wasn't enough for me, so I asked her to get a coffee or a beer, which she was excited about. We talked like nothing had happened. I wanted to bring it up, but waited for her and she did. She said that she owed me an apology and she knows that it was sudden, shes totally done with her ex but not over him and isn't ready yet and didn't want to be unfair to me. This was all obvious to me, but it was nice to hear. I see her all the time and there is no way to avoid it. Since we had our talk we have had a few cigarettes together, hung out, etc. At times she has been overly touchy a few times - poking me, leaning on me, and glancing at me across the bar when we happened to arrive at the same place with two different groups. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals - every other time it is either a really strong hug like she wont let go or something worse than a pat on the back. I like her more than a friend, want to be more than a friend, and being merely a friend makes me feel like an *******. I feel like she used me to get a rise out of her ex and since I'm such a great person now I get to make her feel good about herself while I get to feel like an idiot. If I didn't have to see her constantly because of school this would be a lot easier, I would have established no contact awhile ago and just dealt with it. Im really picky with who I consider dating and I let her in a little too easily, but thats just the way that I work. Anyway, I got an email invite from her to a New Years party at her house and I both want to go, but don't want to go. I'd prefer an invite by phone instead of email... and I'd like to say something to her at the party about how I feel and the mixed signals stuff, except I feel like we've already had that conversation when she explained about not being ready. I don't really have a question, but any 3rd party insight might make me feel better. I've felt like a moron for the past month and just don't know how to not feel like one. If she didn't like me she would not be grinning at me and poking me in the back in the bar, but this not ready nonsense after being her pawn to instigate her ex sucks.
mo mo Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I think she really does like you but is afraid of committing to anyone so soon. This sucks for you because you're basically friend-zoned right now. I would say you should keep in touch with her, but keep your distance. Don't be her doormat.
paddington bear Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I don't think she used you to get a rise out of her ex. I think the little drama at dinner and whatever was said between her ex and her, made her realise that she wasn't ready to move on. However....her behaviour subsequent to this is not on! She knows you want her as more than a friend, she has said 'let's be friends' but yet wants attention from you, to flirt with you as an ego boost, while you get nothing....that is not right. I've been where you are now and I've let them get away with it. Ultimately, if you tolerate that behaviour it totally destroys your self-esteem. Email her back and thank her for the invitation and tell her you are not going. Tell her the reason you are not going is that she just wants to be friends, that she knows you want more and since she cannot give you more, it would be better for you to spend your time with people who are interested in getting romantically involved with you. The mixed signals are an ego boost for her, but also a way of keeping you so hooked and thinking about her. If you fall for it and continue to allow that to happen, you won't be concentrating on the girls who are available and would be interested, because you'll be too busy thinking about this girl that doesn't want you and what did that flirtatious poke in the ribs mean... If you are polite, friendly, but make your boundaries clear, but keep a healthy distance, you won't be driven so crazy by this. The chances of winning her back...no idea. But by hanging around her, tolerating the mixed signals and not putting your foot down...that won't work. "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone". Be the thing that is gone and let her miss you enough to stop messing about, and if she doesn't step up to the plate, then at least you're not going to get sucked into the friendzone and might actually meet someone else.
Yer_Blues Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I don't think she used you to get a rise out of her ex. I think the little drama at dinner and whatever was said between her ex and her, made her realise that she wasn't ready to move on. However....her behaviour subsequent to this is not on! She knows you want her as more than a friend, she has said 'let's be friends' but yet wants attention from you, to flirt with you as an ego boost, while you get nothing....that is not right. I've been where you are now and I've let them get away with it. Ultimately, if you tolerate that behaviour it totally destroys your self-esteem. Email her back and thank her for the invitation and tell her you are not going. Tell her the reason you are not going is that she just wants to be friends, that she knows you want more and since she cannot give you more, it would be better for you to spend your time with people who are interested in getting romantically involved with you. The mixed signals are an ego boost for her, but also a way of keeping you so hooked and thinking about her. If you fall for it and continue to allow that to happen, you won't be concentrating on the girls who are available and would be interested, because you'll be too busy thinking about this girl that doesn't want you and what did that flirtatious poke in the ribs mean... If you are polite, friendly, but make your boundaries clear, but keep a healthy distance, you won't be driven so crazy by this. The chances of winning her back...no idea. But by hanging around her, tolerating the mixed signals and not putting your foot down...that won't work. "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone". Be the thing that is gone and let her miss you enough to stop messing about, and if she doesn't step up to the plate, then at least you're not going to get sucked into the friendzone and might actually meet someone else. This is very good analysis and levelheaded advice. Seconded. Good luck
Author vaxathrax Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 And you think that it is better to do this by email than showing up and telling her that I can't do this in person? Email seems so lame. So does asking these kinds of questions on the internet. The party is more of a 'pre-party' - people are invited over early and are welcome to stay all night, but its more of a small gathering/chill get together than a rager and I believe at least half the people in attendance will be leaving by 10pm to be wherever they will forget where they were. Any more advice on what to put in the email, if thats actually the best way to go? Do I tell her that I do like her and wish that I could be just her friend but that I just don't want to feel like an *******? I feel like slightly more than 'you want to be friends and I dont' would be warranted? Thanks again all.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Re-read paddingtons advise and then think about this: Bottom line is she will never be interested in you again. Heres why: She might really not be over her ex. Which means she used you as a rebound or stepping stone so she can be emotionally ready for the next guy. You gave her - and continue to give her confidence that she needs to move on from you and him. Her ex is always around, so if she is hung up on him, she wont be able to get over him as long as he is still around. Possibly some of her reason for dating you was to forget about him. She maybe hoped that you would be so wonderful that she would fall for you and forget about him entirely...but guess what? It didnt work because she said the crappy friends line to you. Now that she knows that you cant sweep her off her feet, and she knows you are still trying, it will never work. You have to not-need-her for her to notice you. Do you know how to not need her? You dont keep in contact with her, and you find a new girl. Only jealousy can overcome the friends line. She would be jealous that you can live without her, and that you are doing better without her, and you are attractive to other women. By that time, you wont want her anymore. See how fugged up that is? DONT give her any more attention. She needs the attention now that she is single and pining for her ex, and not getting the attention that shes used to. The more attention you give her, the less attractive you become. Dont waste time chasing her when theres plenty girls at school that think youre good looking and dont have as much baggage.
Author vaxathrax Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Like I said though - the no contact thing is literally impossible and would have already happened if it was. And so to be clear Eddie you are saying don't email OR go... it still doesn't change the fact that January will come and I'll see her everyday. It isn't better to clear up the boundaries before next year so I don't have to feel like an *******? I'm not even worried about getting her back... I'd just like to get back to my normal zen dreams of snowflakes and rabbits instead of waking up thinking about her.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Like I said though - the no contact thing is literally impossible and would have already happened if it was. And so to be clear Eddie you are saying don't email OR go... it still doesn't change the fact that January will come and I'll see her everyday. It isn't better to clear up the boundaries before next year so I don't have to feel like an *******? I'm not even worried about getting her back... I'd just like to get back to my normal zen dreams of snowflakes and rabbits instead of waking up thinking about her. I say dont email her. She planned to use you so she doesnt deserve a response. You can clear up the boundaries if she comes up to you or emails you asking why you didnt go to the party. And if she does, you can tell her you cant be friends with her. Thats it, no need for extensive explanations, and you act like its no big deal to you, as if the whole situation happened last year and you forgot about it.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 she's got control right now. wanna be more than friends? make other plans, and tell her you can't make her party. the way you describe her sounds very familiar to me. she likely enjoys games. play along; she's expecting it. ruffling her feathers (i.e. going against the grain) will build sexual tension. be easy and she'll either bail on you or create drama on her own terms.
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