beyondhope Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Okay, so I survived another day and still have the same question. I'll try to make it simple: If you were a guy, and you'd been seeing a girl for a while, and things had just begun to get serious, and she left for a three-week vacation, how would you act? I got a text message wishing me well the day I left, but no contact since (it's been five days). IMO, either he's not into long-distance contact (he said, "be in touch about when you'll be back") and expects things to resume as normal after three weeks of not talking, or he doesn't care if things resume as normal and he's not going to make an effort to keep the sparks going while I'm out of town. Men, what do you think? Are all guys this way about absence? Should I expect more than a text from him? I'm planning to send him a brief email in a few days, just to say hi, and see if he responds.
paddington bear Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 hmmm tricky one this. He did explain "I'll be in contact when you are back" that is pretty clear. Don't force the issue. Personally I would not email him. Allow him to miss you. And see if he follows up on his promise when you get back. If he doesn't...well, you have some kind of indication of his feelings for you. Seems strange to me not to want to exchange a few text messages while you are away. I text friends who live in other countries frequently...so it is not like you are on the moon or something. Perhaps...and this is a total guess...If things were getting serious, he is in some way relieved that you are away, it will allow him some space to come to terms with you two getting closer (guys often pull back a bit when things start to get serious and your holiday is coming at the right time to allow him to do that, without pushing you away when you are in the same place and freaking you out).
Author beyondhope Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Well, he did send a text, but it was just "safe travels"; nothing substantial to respond to. I'm a bit hurt he didn't text again to see that I made it here safely (it was a multi-day drive). Really, I shouldn't email him? I was going to wait a bit longer, say until it's been 1 1/2 weeks, but I don't want to be out of touch entirely (unless you think that's better).
USMCHokie Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I'm going to try to put myself in this guy's shoes... I'd probably do the same thing as he did...this trip is probably something that was arranged prior to you meeting him, so it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you...this early on in the dating game, I wouldn't feel the need to "intrude" on your life just yet, hence the "talk to you when you get back" text... You're making it harder than it needs to me...if you want to talk to him while you're on your trip, then talk to him...what's the big deal...?
paddington bear Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Well, wait and see what others say, the 'don't email' is just my opinion and I could be totally wrong. Nice of him to send a text wishing you well on your journey. The thing is, you emailing him, for me anyway (others may disagree) is that men tend to say what they mean. "Talk to you when you get back" for me means that for whatever reason, he's happy enough to wave bye bye and see you when you get back. If he had said "text me to let me know you got there safely" or "if you have time, email me and tell me how it is" that is different. I get the feeling that you are feeling very nervous that you are going to lose him by being out of contact completely for a whole three weeks. And understandably nervous about his lack of interest in staying in touch for those three weeks (out of sight, out of mind kind of thing). I'm guessing that you want to make sure that he doesn't forget you, by initiating contact after a respectable amount of time. But...if you are going to lose someone, you are going to lose them (sorry, don't want to freak you out!), an email won't make them stay. Wouldn't it be nicer if, after he had said "see you when you get back" that he surprised you with a text or email? Instead of you pushing for him to stay in touch? Personally, I would want a boyfriend who would keep in touch a little while I was away without feeling I had to make him remember me and I guess that is why I said not to email. Allow him to miss you and want to be in touch, rather than forcing the issue...but as I said, that is just my opinion
USMCHokie Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 If you were a guy, and you'd been seeing a girl for a while, and things had just begun to get serious.... Hmmm, I didn't see this...this is strange...disregard what I said earlier... Has he always been "unavailable" while you were dating? Meaning, he's there when he's there, but when he's not, he's not...?
Author beyondhope Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 No Which part of that made you change your mind, USM? The part about "just starting to get serious"? The reason I'm worried sick, is because before this he was always really prompt about staying in touch. We'd go on a date, and I'd awake the next morning to find an email from him sitting in my inbox. Granted, I awoke the next morning (morning I left, morning after sleeping with him for the first time) to find a text on my phone, but it was a brief "safe travels" rather than anything of substance. I do agree with Paddington, though, that it could just be that some guys feel that a three-week distance is better handled without contact, and perhaps contact will resume closer to my return. Does this make sense?
USMCHokie Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 No Which part of that made you change your mind, USM? The part about "just starting to get serious"? Yes. Are you two in an expressly exclusive relationship yet...? Or still in the early dating stages? If things are starting to get serious, then obviously the two of you are becoming part of each others lives...so a trip, regardless of length, should have absolutely no effect on your communication...if anything, it'd probably cause increased communication since you're not seeing each other as much... The reason I'm worried sick, is because before this he was always really prompt about staying in touch. We'd go on a date, and I'd awake the next morning to find an email from him sitting in my inbox. Granted, I awoke the next morning (morning I left, morning after sleeping with him for the first time) to find a text on my phone, but it was a brief "safe travels" rather than anything of substance. Yea, this does sound strange that he'd suddenly curb communication just because you're going away for a few weeks... I do agree with Paddington, though, that it could just be that some guys feel that a three-week distance is better handled without contact, and perhaps contact will resume closer to my return. Does this make sense? Yes, it makes sense, and each guy will handle distance differently... But the bottom line: if you want to talk to him during your vacation, then talk to him. Stop complicating things. If this is his way of distancing himself from you and ultimately leaving, then so be it. He has dropped his pack whether you email him or not...so if you want to talk to him, then talk. Do what you want to do. If you play games, all you're going to get in return is games.
Author beyondhope Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Actually, I'm just recalling the past few days before I left: Before our last encounter (I invited him over the night before I left, and we slept together for the first time) I had sent him an email, thanking him for our previous date, which had gone very well. I actually hadn't heard from him for a few days after that date, and I was getting ready to leave town. I sent the email, and he replied the next day and said, "hope you enjoy your trip". It was also very brief. Then I called him and invited him to dinner. So maybe I'm flipping out about nothing; it seems he was on this "no contact" trajectory before the last time we saw each other, in which case, I would venture to say he's just not the kind of guy to keep in touch during a three-week absence. It doesn't make me happy, but at least I know it wasn't because we slept together So, my only question now is: is there any hope for resuming a relationship with someone after being gone for three weeks with no contact? Do most guys move on after this amount of time?
youngskywalker Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 IMO, either he's not into long-distance contact (he said, "be in touch about when you'll be back") and expects things to resume as normal after three weeks of not talking, or he doesn't care if things resume as normal and he's not going to make an effort to keep the sparks going while I'm out of town. True story. I had a serious g/f who went oversees on a three week vacation. I called her a time or two and did a few emails back and forth, whatever. Well she sent me an email like the second or third week and it took me 4 days to respond back to her and she snapped on me. She took it soooo serious you have no idea!! She actually broke up with me because of it (we had other problems too). She kept asking me what I was doing that I couldn't email her back and that it broke her heart when she went to check her email but nothing from me. I think she thought I forgot about her, didn't miss her or I was with another woman. Needless to say, she overacted IMO. Some people take it very serious about being apart like you're supposed to be love sick over them. I kinda liked the fact that she was on vacation because she was smothering me. I hope my little story helped answer your question.
paddington bear Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 gosh talk about really, really bad timing. You sleep with him for the first time and then you go away for three weeks. No wonder you are freaking out a little. Your whole holiday will be ruined by fretting about this, so you need to sort it out, or your head will be thinking about him the whole time and no in a good way! You could just email in a few days and say "I miss waking up to an email from you every day" and leave it at that? Being honest, I don't like this 'safe travels' as the only goodbye message if you've just slept with each other for the first time. "Last night was great...going to miss you" would be more appropriate.
Author beyondhope Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Yeah, I guess I thought sleeping together would be a good way to make him remember me...I know that sounds bad. I mean, I wanted to sleep with him just because I was attracted to him, too, but the thought did cross my mind. Maybe it had the opposite effect--perhaps it's easy to sleep with a girl then forget about her when she's gone. Who knows; I don't want to be with someone who would regard it like that, anyway. In any case, I like the explanation that youngskywalker gave. I would agree that this guy probably has similar sentiments (he's busy and active and probably has plenty to fill three weeks). The only thing that does bother me is, yes, I think it would have been nice to get an "I'll miss you" or "I enjoyed last night"...though we did spend about 20 hours together that day and were probably sick of each other by the end.
USMCHokie Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Actually, I'm just recalling the past few days before I left: Before our last encounter (I invited him over the night before I left, and we slept together for the first time) I had sent him an email, thanking him for our previous date, which had gone very well. I actually hadn't heard from him for a few days after that date, and I was getting ready to leave town. I sent the email, and he replied the next day and said, "hope you enjoy your trip". It was also very brief. Then I called him and invited him to dinner. So maybe I'm flipping out about nothing; it seems he was on this "no contact" trajectory before the last time we saw each other, in which case, I would venture to say he's just not the kind of guy to keep in touch during a three-week absence. It doesn't make me happy, but at least I know it wasn't because we slept together So, my only question now is: is there any hope for resuming a relationship with someone after being gone for three weeks with no contact? Do most guys move on after this amount of time? Hmmm, new relevant information that was previously left out...this sounds a lot like he's already dropped the pack and probably has found another girl that he's going to date while you're gone...but again, don't assume anything...it might just be how he operates...
january2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I've been on both sides (as the person going away and the person left behind). I agree that if you want to email him during your holiday, say round about the middle of the second week, then do so and don't overthink it.
Star Gazer Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I've kinda been in your guys' shoes before. With my ex, we'd been dating about 5 months when he left with his family for a 3 week trip to Spain. We were actually pretty serious by that point, though. I relied on him, the vacationer, to make contact. I didn't feel that it was my place to intrude on his vacation. Rather, I waited for him to reach out to me when he had time. I did occasionally send him an email (which he could respond to at his leisure) telling him about my days, wishing him fun, etc. But I relied on him to make contact for the reasons previously stated. I suspect your guy might be doing the same thing.
Author beyondhope Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Possible, USM, but we spent 20 hours together that night/next day. He kept asking me to do stuff with him...run errands and such. He had told me the morning after we slept together that he had liked me since we first met, among other things. It didn't exactly sound like he had begun losing interest, though it is possible he's seeing other people. It sounded like he'd been very much enamored with me, and unsure how I felt, until I asked him to sleep with me.
paddington bear Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 the mean, game-playing way to deal with this would be to email him with a chirpy email saying you are having a GREAT time including pictures of you having fun with other guys...he might not be so quiet then! ...however, I'm not seriously suggesting you do this. However, if he's pulled back a bit before you left it might be no harm to (if you get the chance) flirt with other guys while away, more for your confidence and to change the energy around you from feeling like this guy holds the power of your happiness in his hands with whether he contacts you or not. I met a guy once, seemed to be totally into me and of course, I had to go away for a couple of weeks and was thinking "noooo! not when this is just beginning, he'll forget about me". And, unluckily for me, when I got back he dumped me - couldn't stop thinking about his ex apparently. However...looking back on that, I blamed my absence, but it would have happened anyway, whether I'd been away or not.
Author beyondhope Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 Great advice Paddington I think I'll wait til close to my return to send him an email. In the meantime I'll try and remember what it feels like to be single, so I can lose the insecure vibes. And in the Spring, if he still likes me, then we can go from there. Otherwise, what I'm hearing, is that there's nothing I can do now, except to enjoy myself and not worry about some guy in the snowy North!
sigurpol Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I've only been faced with this situation once. I had been dating this girl for about a year at this point, or close to, when she decided to do a semester overseas in England. Her roommate was also dating a guy and I remember hearing they had an argument because he flipped out on her for deciding to go on this trip as well. I told my girlfriend to "go bananas" because I wish I could go to something like that. I trusted her and never got nervous about her ever getting any ideas while out there. Although, I only spoke for her. Not for the other guys that would be hitting on her. Anyway, nothing bad happened. We talked everyday on the phone and kept in close touch with emails as well. There was a quick "freak out" moment between the both of us a week before she was leaving, but nothing bad happened. There were some times when I would get upset when she called drunk, and I could hear a bunch of guys in the back.. but, what are you gonna do?
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