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Thinking your ex may be a commitmentphobe - well guess what?!

soleharmony1123

By soleharmony1123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

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If your ex is a commitmentphobe chances are great that you're one also.

I am a commitmentphobe. I can trace my phobia back to my very first relationship. It was a back and forth relationship. I'd ask him to move in, then I'd ask him to leave only to ask him to come back again. When I felt we'd been together long enough to make a serious commitment (marriage), he didn't make a decision until he realized I was already on to my next r/ship (my planned exit) who later became my husband and was, at that time my current ex's very close friend. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my current ex and I have known each other forever and our lives have always been intertwined one way or another. During my marriage, he & his now ex-wife would come over for dinner or drop in to say hi to me and my now ex-husband.

 

True to a commitmentphobe's profile, I'd never leave a relationship without another one lined up, but I never just up & left (all ended amicably, as odd as that may sound). For my 1st relationship, he really understood me after all the years we were together (6). I'm one of those people who don't like a lot of furniture & treasures space because I don't like the feeling of being tied to lots of stuff to move when I decide to. Even as I write this, I'm contemplating whether or not it's time to move from the area where I've resided for the past 4 years, and I've been downsizing furniture, clothing and other items (ongoing) ...for the past 2 years (see what I mean?). I have certain items of clothing in more than one color. I'll stand in front of my closet for at least 15-20 minutes trying to decide which color of an item I'm going to wear.

 

Choices and decisions can almost bring on a panic attack for me, depending on what kinds of decisions they are. Our commitmentphobe exes - the ones with GIGs or other commitment issues experience a similar reaction. They feel terrible discomfort when they reach the point of "no return." So, as Homebrew's guide stated, they've already prepared an exit (an out) long before they spring it on us. They've worked through those uncomfortable feelings they have about breaking up. That's why they seem "heartless" to some of us - because it's like they finally say to themselves, "okay, today is the day I'm going through with this...I'm calling him/her up, going to see him/her (whatever mode they use) and get this over with."

 

I'm not having a good day today, but I wanted to post something, so here it is.

 

Sometimes in order to understand other people we have to take a look at ourselves. This is definitely one of those instances. Dig deep and ask yourself whether or not you're a commitmentphobe also.

 

Gotta go now - my son just came home after a long weekend over his buddy's house. He's on the prowl for food even though he already had dinner. His sisters and I were going to chill for the evening, just relax and do girl stuff. Oh well, that's squashed! lol!

Edited by soleharmony1123
january2010 Established Member

january2010

Posted
Posted

It's difficult to admit but I'm slowly starting to come to the realisation that this may be applicable to me. :(

delajoonal Established Member

delajoonal

Posted
Posted
If your ex is a commitmentphobe chances are great that you're one also.

I am a commitmentphobe. I can trace my phobia back to my very first relationship. It was a back and forth relationship. I'd ask him to move in, then I'd ask him to leave only to ask him to come back again. When I felt we'd been together long enough to make a serious commitment (marriage), he didn't make a decision until he realized I was already on to my next r/ship (my planned exit) who later became my husband and was, at that time my current ex's very close friend. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my current ex and I have known each other forever and our lives have always been intertwined one way or another. During my marriage, he & his now ex-wife would come over for dinner or drop in to say hi to me and my now ex-husband.

 

True to a commitmentphobe's profile, I'd never leave a relationship without another one lined up, but I never just up & left (all ended amicably, as odd as that may sound). For my 1st relationship, he really understood me after all the years we were together (6). I'm one of those people who don't like a lot of furniture & treasures space because I don't like the feeling of being tied to lots of stuff to move when I decide to. Even as I write this, I'm contemplating whether or not it's time to move from the area where I've resided for the past 4 years, and I've been downsizing furniture, clothing and other items (ongoing) ...for the past 2 years (see what I mean?). I have certain items of clothing in more than one color. I'll stand in front of my closet for at least 15-20 minutes trying to decide which color of an item I'm going to wear.

 

Choices and decisions can almost bring on a panic attack for me, depending on what kinds of decisions they are. Our commitmentphobe exes - the ones with GIGs or other commitment issues experience a similar reaction. They feel terrible discomfort when they reach the point of "no return." So, as Homebrew's guide stated, they've already prepared an exit (an out) long before they spring it on us. They've worked through those uncomfortable feelings they have about breaking up. That's why they seem "heartless" to some of us - because it's like they finally say to themselves, "okay, today is the day I'm going through with this...I'm calling him/her up, going to see him/her (whatever mode they use) and get this over with."

 

I'm not having a good day today, but I wanted to post something, so here it is.

 

Sometimes in order to understand other people we have to take a look at ourselves. This is definitely one of those instances. Dig deep and ask yourself whether or not you're a commitmentphobe also.

 

Gotta go now - my son just came home after a long weekend over his buddy's house. He's on the prowl for food even though he already had dinner. His sisters and I were going to chill for the evening, just relax and do girl stuff. Oh well, that's squashed! lol!

 

 

hmmm, something to think about?

 

while i dont' think i am a CP, i think i have issues with people/men, in my 'space'.

i LOVE my bf to be here, at my home...but only for like a day or 2...then i need about 4 or 5 days apart...

 

what is crazy, is i miss him SO Much while he is gone, but i am the idiot that made him go home...wth is wrong with me?

 

i have always been like this...i am an only child, i had a cruddy childhood, my mother was NEVER home i was left on my own at such an early age, it is an whole dif thread and subject..LOL

 

but i often wonder Y i need so much 'alone' time????

 

my xh liked his alone time too...so we lasted 15 yrs...again, another story..

 

anyway, is there a name for THIS???

 

the needing to have so much alone time?

 

thanx for the topic/thread OP, it is a very good one.;)

january2010 Established Member

january2010

Posted
Posted
but i often wonder Y i need so much 'alone' time????

 

my xh liked his alone time too...so we lasted 15 yrs...again, another story..

 

anyway, is there a name for THIS???

 

the needing to have so much alone time?

 

There's a theory that introverts need time alone to 'recharge' their batteries whereas extroverts 'recharge' their batteries by spending time with other people:

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

daphne Established Member

daphne

Posted
Posted

Whereas I've known I'm slightly commitmentphobic, I tend to brush it off because I know I'd make an effort if a good guy came along. I do have the decision making anxiety. I've gotten a lot better and have learned to just live with decisions I make, even if I had a choice between A and B and decided I'd like B when I got A.

 

I also have very little furniture. I also have that crazy making desire to move every so often. It got worse when I bought a house. I felt trapped. It took 4 years to get over it. I'm finally starting to buy furniture.

 

I don't, however, jump from one relationship to another. If anything I avoid them unless I really like someone and want to take a leap of faith. I'm opposed to being in a relationship just to have someone around.

 

So maybe there's hope.

delajoonal Established Member

delajoonal

Posted
Posted
There's a theory that introverts need time alone to 'recharge' their batteries whereas extroverts 'recharge' their batteries by spending time with other people:

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

 

 

ooooo, THIS totally makes sense....

THANKYOU..i am going to read up on this..

maybe THIS very issue is what i need in the first step

towards healthier relationship with men?

 

idk, but thank you for the info, i am going to hit the link now and C what my prob is...LOL

 

thnx again...truly;)

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

Posted
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Posted

That's commitment phobia. You don't want anyone invading your space. For a very informative read on commitment phobia, I recommend He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Sokol & Julia Sokol. This type behavior is also discussed in the book. I started the book from the back because it described my relationship style - I am usually what is described as the passive avoider - I 'fall in love' with a man's potential more than who he really is. The Florence Nightingale/Joan of Arc type - I have a need to "fix" people (the nerve). When I actually thought about what that really means, I was truly humbled. Who am I to try and fix someone else when I'm a codependent commitmentphobe. That's a mouthful, isn't it?!

 

I don't like space invasion either. Glad you liked the topic! :)

 

 

hmmm, something to think about?

while i dont' think i am a CP, i think i have issues with people/men, in my 'space'. i LOVE my bf to be here, at my home...but only for like a day or 2...then i need about 4 or 5 days apart...

what is crazy, is i miss him SO Much while he is gone, but i am the idiot that made him go home...wth is wrong with me?

 

i have always been like this...i am an only child, i had a cruddy childhood, my mother was NEVER home i was left on my own at such an early age, it is an whole dif thread and subject..LOL

 

but i often wonder Y i need so much 'alone' time????

 

my xh liked his alone time too...so we lasted 15 yrs...again, another story..

 

anyway, is there a name for THIS???

 

the needing to have so much alone time?

 

thanx for the topic/thread OP, it is a very good one.;)

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

Posted
  • Author
Posted

There's definitely hope for you. Me? I'm not so sure.

 

This is my nightmare of a story about how commitmentphobic I truly am. Around November 2007, I began house-hunting. First, I couldn't decide on location. I moved from the eastern part of Maryland to the northern part and began looking for houses. Well, since I was not familiar with certain areas, I relied on research, city-data.com and other demographic research tools. Well, the first house I fell in love with was near the Chesapeake Bay - you could see it from the 4th story of the house where my very huge master BR was. The house had 5 BRs, a fireplace in the kitchen, 3.5 Baths. We made an offer. Things began to fall into place and I had put down my deposit, hired an inspector, contacted the insurance company, etc. The insurance company contacted me with my insurance quote. I went to sleep that night and had weird dreams. Next morning, I called my realtor very early and told her I did not want the house…that it was too far north, too far away from everyone and everything I knew and was familiar with. Duhhh. I knew all this before I made the offer. She called the agent for the seller and explained that I no longer wanted the house. The second house we found was ideal (as was the first one, the second one, the third one and the fourth one), long story short a very similar scene played out as described above. I backed out of another contract because of very uncomfortable gut feelings and weird dreams. I am not kidding or exaggerating about these “events.” My house-hunt finally ended in February 2008. I could scan in the front page of at least 3 of the inspection docs that have my name on them as the buyer. I had to keep them because of how bizarre this all was.

 

Needless to say, after an ordeal like that I began to question my own sanity. But looking back on it all, I know it was commitmentphobia at its worst. And I’m still in my apartment – well, actually I moved to a different area. But I have no more weird dreams. With an apartment, I can always move again if I become unhappy.

 

Another place where my phobia becomes apparent is in the cereal aisle of grocery stores. I have no problem with what my kids want – they make a decision among themselves with no problem - even with 3 differing preferences. But when it comes to picking what type of cereal I want, I’ve gotta choose from among 45 (it seems) different types of cereal whether I want oat this, bran that, multigrain this, raisin that. So, I make it easy on myself – I just grab a box of Rice Krispies, Lucky Charms or Cocoa Puffs! lol!

 

 

Whereas I've known I'm slightly commitmentphobic, I tend to brush it off because I know I'd make an effort if a good guy came along. I do have the decision making anxiety. I've gotten a lot better and have learned to just live with decisions I make, even if I had a choice between A and B and decided I'd like B when I got A.

 

I also have very little furniture. I also have that crazy making desire to move every so often. It got worse when I bought a house. I felt trapped. It took 4 years to get over it. I'm finally starting to buy furniture.

 

I don't, however, jump from one relationship to another. If anything I avoid them unless I really like someone and want to take a leap of faith. I'm opposed to being in a relationship just to have someone around.

 

So maybe there's hope.

Kowaco Member

Kowaco

Posted
Posted

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I wouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions. Studies show that if we're given too many choices it becomes impossible to choose. I just bought a Blu-Ray player and for every good review I'd find a bad one. It will do this but it won't do that, etc. Same for restaurants, cereal as you stated. Watch house hunters sometime and look at all the options. We are overloaded with choices. Unfortunately that sends some people looking for the next best deal, especially if they have issues. There are plenty of people to “fix them”. You mentioned cereal, I have the same thoughts when I look at cereal, because I’m thinking I don’t want to get stuck with something I don’t like but it all looks so good. The house is very difficult because it does tie you down to one place and suddenly you’re making a very big permanent decision. [/FONT][/sIZE]

Ajax Established Member

Ajax

Posted
Posted

These commitment-avoidance storied continue to sound eerily familiar to me, and I have to say it's depressing me a little bit. Everything sounds so similar to things my ex did or said. If she was in fact a "commitment-phobe," I never stood a chance.

 

And she's not the only likely commitment phobe I've dated. A few years ago I dated one too.

 

As for dating a commitment phobe meaning you're probably one too, I'm a little more skeptical of that. With my last ex I certainly didn't feel the things being described by commitment-phobes myself. I didn't feel trapped or that my space was being invaded. But If I wasn't a commitment-phobe then, it may have instilled a little of that quality in me now. In any future relationship I'm involved in, it will take a lot more time for me to invest myself in it.

delajoonal Established Member

delajoonal

Posted
Posted
There's a theory that introverts need time alone to 'recharge' their batteries whereas extroverts 'recharge' their batteries by spending time with other people:

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

i have not only learned so much about my relationship 'issues'...

BUT more importantly...about ME...this article describes me to a "T"!

 

oh i wish i could send this to my xbf...seriously, as he was not as

understanding of my 'issues' as my xh was...my xbf thought it was HIM, but all along it was just me, being me...how can i have not know this at 45 y/o and in therapy for 23 yrs...how is it doctors do not acknowledge this issue?

 

anyway, i am rambling..BUT THANK YOU again so very much!!!;):D

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

Posted
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Posted

I'm introvert/extrovert.

I come across as shy or timid at first.

Sometimes I'm lively and social & people enjoy my company as I do theirs.

Other days, I don't care to be bothered & my family & friends know when I need some space & ME time.

 

Some would describe that as being "dark" or moody when, really, it's not.

 

 

 

 

 

There's a theory that introverts need time alone to 'recharge' their batteries whereas extroverts 'recharge' their batteries by spending time with other people:

 

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/

Akumark Member

Akumark

Posted
Posted

I'm a commitmentphobe. I fear commitment and act distant at the begining of a relationship while the girl is in love and when she get tired of it and start acting distant too I fall for her and try to take care of her needs, then I hear the usual : Too late!

westrock Established Member

westrock

Posted
Posted
As for dating a commitment phobe meaning you're probably one too, I'm a little more skeptical of that. With my last ex I certainly didn't feel the things being described by commitment-phobes myself. I didn't feel trapped or that my space was being invaded.

 

The authors in He's Scared, She's Scared identify two types of CP's: active CP and passive CP. The stories above are about active CP's. Their partners are referred to as passive CP's. In both situations the identifying trait for each partner is that each has anxiety regarding close emotional relationships. It is the cause of the anxiety that is different for the active CP and the passive CP.

 

Anxiety for the active-CP is primarily brought on by feelings of being emotonally suffocated/trapped/invaded space/indecisiveness, etc. Anxiety for the passive CP is primarily brought on by their fear of abandonment. In both cases the anxiety is the common element.

 

The anxiety for the passive CP may not be apparent when dating an active CP because the active CP is able to maintain sufficient emotional distance from the passive CP such that the passive CP's abandonment fears are not triggered. It becomes more apparent when the passive CP tries to date someone who is emotionally available.

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

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I found He's Scared, She's Scared an excellent read because of this one powerful point:

 

The authors highlight the importance of passive commitmentphobes completely ending the relationship with an active commitmentphobe (in other words go strict NC). They further explained that commitmentphobic relationships do not end until the passive partner ends it - not the active partner (the one initiating the breakup). Therein lies the dynamic of taking back our power. Once again, here's a clear demonstration of the power of NC. (If only I can keep this FIRST & FOREMOST in my cranium)

 

I just want to clarify for those who may go far beyond the point I was trying to make here. I apologize if my OP was all over the place. But I'm in no way implying that simply because someone's ex is/was a commitmentphobe that means he/she has to be commitmentphobic as well. But it is a possibility as much as it's a possibility one may have been rejected because the EX thought he/she was vain, had emotional/mental issues, was too opinionated, too judgmental/critical, was too slender, too voluptuous for their preference, too short, too tall. The list goes on and on. But then again, a few of these very reasons are those that commitmentphobes grab and run with.

Edited by soleharmony1123
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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

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The anxiety for the passive CP may not be apparent when dating an active CP because the active CP is able to maintain sufficient emotional distance from the passive CP such that the passive CP's abandonment fears are not triggered. It becomes more apparent when the passive CP tries to date someone who is emotionally available.

 

I don't agree with that on the premise that when the active CP begins to set the stage for departing the relationship, the passive CP's insecurities and abandonment issues definitely come to the fore. They have been there for awhile because the active CP begins setting boundaries when he/she feels the relationship is getting too serious or close to commitment. Active & passive CPs are drawn to each other because neither one is emotionally available for commitment. You'll probably rarely find an active CP with an emotionally available person. An emotionally available (healthy) person would find an active CP's behaviors unsatisfactory & detect the non-committal behavior. Just my HO.

westrock Established Member

westrock

Posted
Posted
They further explained that commitmentphobic relationships do not end until the passive partner ends it - not the active partner (the one initiating the breakup). Therein lies the dynamic of taking back our power. Once again, here's a clear demonstration of the power of NC. (If only I can keep this FIRST & FOREMOST in my cranium)

I agree.

 

I believe this occurs because the active-CP while unable to commit to a relationship is also unable to commit to ending the relationship (both acts involve commitment).

This reminds me of the occassional posts on LS about dumpees breaking NC in an effort ease their abandonment anxiety and contacting the dumper with a text and then to the dumpee's surprise they actually get a reply back. Similarly, sometimes dumpers occassionally on their own break NC but with simple non-committal messages to the dumpees. However, if the dumpee has not healed from their anxiety over the abandonment, communications from the dumper are never enough and the dumpee doesn't recongize the power they have with NC in resolving the dynamic. Meanwhile, the dumper is likely still sitting in this gray zone of being unable to commit but also unable to not commit.

 

When we see dumpees struggling whether to reply back to non-committal messages received from dumpers I believe that is an example of the dumpees struggling with their own unhealed anxiety, possibly stemming from their own passive-CP tendencies. However, a dumpee who is emotionally healthy knows they have power in the dynamic and they would not have so much anxiety over whether or not to reply back to the dumper.

 

I agree that NC gives the dumpee back power in the dynamic, however, sometimes I wonder if the dumpee who is implementing NC does not also simultaneously work on their abandonment issues then the anxiety will actually just increase and make things worse. I believe people who break NC often do it because the anxiety gets too much for them and then when they don't get an instant reply back or only get a reply back that is non-committal it triggers their abandonment anxiety even more. Sometimes I think that for some dumpees it would be better not to go into strict NC but instead go into some type of limited contact LC and simultaneously work on their own passive-CP abandonment fears until they are healed.

 

I don't agree with that on the premise that when the active CP begins to set the stage for departing the relationship, the passive CP's insecurities and abandonment issues definitely come to the fore. They have been there for awhile because the active CP begins setting boundaries when he/she feels the relationship is getting too serious or close to commitment. Active & passive CPs are drawn to each other because neither one is emotionally available for commitment. You'll probably rarely find an active CP with an emotionally available person. An emotionally available (healthy) person would find an active CP's behaviors unsatisfactory & detect the non-committal behavior. Just my HO.

I actually agree with you on this. In my post I said the anxiety "may not be apparent" not that it is not apparent. My initial post wasn't clear in what I was trying to say. But, you're correct in that when the CP begins to set the stage for departing the anxiety for passive-CP also begins to come forward. I think anyone would have anxiety and not sit idly by if they see their partner starting to depart so the passive-CP may not associate their anxiety at that time as a sign that they have passive-CP tendencies.

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

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Being a CP, I soooo get this stuff in theory. But when it comes to putting it into practice & not breaking NC and sticking to it, I get anxious as you mentioned passive CPs do. Especially when I get a text or my Ex calls and leaves VMs asking me to call him. The worst time was had last week when he started texting "I miss you's and then this week it's been phone calls & VMs of "just thinking of you" & "please call me." Typical tactics employed by the dumper to get attention or an ego boost. But the dynamic that confuses me at times is the fact that although I'm the dumpee, my Ex unknowingly has so often given me my power back even when I've slipped up and responded to a text. In many instances, after the breakup, the dumper (active CP) doesn't want any further contact with the dumpee and this is what puts the dumpee (passive CP) into panic mode to the degree they feel a dire need to get in contact with the dumper.

 

I agree that the implementation of some degree of limited contact used in conjunction with the passive CP being committed to dealing with abandonment issues may be helpful. But I'm not sure because of the possible depth of the passive CP's abandonment issues.

 

 

I agree.

 

I believe this occurs because the active-CP while unable to commit to a relationship is also unable to commit to ending the relationship (both acts involve commitment).

This reminds me of the occassional posts on LS about dumpees breaking NC in an effort ease their abandonment anxiety and contacting the dumper with a text and then to the dumpee's surprise they actually get a reply back. Similarly, sometimes dumpers occassionally on their own break NC but with simple non-committal messages to the dumpees. However, if the dumpee has not healed from their anxiety over the abandonment, communications from the dumper are never enough and the dumpee doesn't recongize the power they have with NC in resolving the dynamic. Meanwhile, the dumper is likely still sitting in this gray zone of being unable to commit but also unable to not commit.

 

When we see dumpees struggling whether to reply back to non-committal messages received from dumpers I believe that is an example of the dumpees struggling with their own unhealed anxiety, possibly stemming from their own passive-CP tendencies. However, a dumpee who is emotionally healthy knows they have power in the dynamic and they would not have so much anxiety over whether or not to reply back to the dumper.

 

I agree that NC gives the dumpee back power in the dynamic, however, sometimes I wonder if the dumpee who is implementing NC does not also simultaneously work on their abandonment issues then the anxiety will actually just increase and make things worse. I believe people who break NC often do it because the anxiety gets too much for them and then when they don't get an instant reply back or only get a reply back that is non-committal it triggers their abandonment anxiety even more. Sometimes I think that for some dumpees it would be better not to go into strict NC but instead go into some type of limited contact LC and simultaneously work on their own passive-CP abandonment fears until they are healed.

 

 

I actually agree with you on this. In my post I said the anxiety "may not be apparent" not that it is not apparent. My initial post wasn't clear in what I was trying to say. But, you're correct in that when the CP begins to set the stage for departing the anxiety for passive-CP also begins to come forward. I think anyone would have anxiety and not sit idly by if they see their partner starting to depart so the passive-CP may not associate their anxiety at that time as a sign that they have passive-CP tendencies.

Edited by soleharmony1123
kaycstamper Established Member

kaycstamper

Posted
Posted
If your ex is a commitmentphobe chances are great that you're one also.

That's just BS. Just because your ex was a commitmentphobe doesn't make you one. I have no problem with commitment or hanging in there...I got dumped, pure and simple. It has nothing to do with how good the relationship was or how we felt about each other. It has to do with he has issues and needs to figure out who he is and what he wants...and he's not likely to do so...knowing now what I do, he's not good relationship material. I'd thought he was at first...he'd been married 30 years, he was there for everyone, kids, friends, neighbors, church...but not me. But having a bad 30 year marriage that they hung in there for does not make a good backdrop for a relationship. It makes them scared of going for it again. Scared of taking that chance. Instead of looking at how things are, they're worried about how things COULD be. It's just us that get caught in the crossfire of their confusion and inertia.

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

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Kaycstamper, before you go labeling something as BS, you need to make sure you read it correctly. Reading comprehension...did they have that at your school?

 

What you posted is still a sign of someone scared/afraid/hesitant/not-sure-if-he-wants to commit. You can call it BS or whatever you like.

 

 

That's just BS. Just because your ex was a commitmentphobe doesn't make you one. I have no problem with commitment or hanging in there...I got dumped, pure and simple. It has nothing to do with how good the relationship was or how we felt about each other. It has to do with he has issues and needs to figure out who he is and what he wants...and he's not likely to do so...knowing now what I do, he's not good relationship material. I'd thought he was at first...he'd been married 30 years, he was there for everyone, kids, friends, neighbors, church...but not me. But having a bad 30 year marriage that they hung in there for does not make a good backdrop for a relationship. It makes them scared of going for it again. Scared of taking that chance. Instead of looking at how things are, they're worried about how things COULD be. It's just us that get caught in the crossfire of their confusion and inertia.
Edited by soleharmony1123
  • 2 weeks later...
trippi1432 Established Member

trippi1432

Posted
Posted (edited)

Well, read up on Mr. unavailable and the Fallback Girl..good advice on how not to become that person..www.baggagereclaim.com.

 

I would also note that it is good that when you with someone to note the books they have on the shelf and the bookmarks....good insight to what they are working on or procrastinating. :o:o:o

 

So have to agree somewhat with Kayscamper...a sad situation..but it happens. some things can be a no fault..it really depends on what you see and what you get..unfortunately, what you see is what you get..nothing is perfect..but people can stop beating themselves up over it..easier said than done I guess.

Edited by trippi1432
Country_Girl Established Member

Country_Girl

Posted
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This may sound stupid- but is it possible that a CP can turn someone into one as well? Reason I ask is, I think my Ex was CP and was doing everything in his power to sabotage the relationship in the end. We had plans to get married, but they fell through, when we finally had money he went out and purchased items so we still wouldn't have money. Then a week went by that we had money, and due to unresolved issues, I said we should wait on it. I think he got scared, so he asked me to marry him all over again. But sure enough we broke up a week later, due to his resurfacing problems.

 

I don't think I'm CP, but I did feel it in the end, due to unresolved issues.

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soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

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I am not very sure that being with a commitmentphobe could ever cause you to become one. I believe what you may be experiencing with your Ex is the "once bitten, twice shy" protective mechanism.

 

 

 

This may sound stupid- but is it possible that a CP can turn someone into one as well? Reason I ask is, I think my Ex was CP and was doing everything in his power to sabotage the relationship in the end. We had plans to get married, but they fell through, when we finally had money he went out and purchased items so we still wouldn't have money. Then a week went by that we had money, and due to unresolved issues, I said we should wait on it. I think he got scared, so he asked me to marry him all over again. But sure enough we broke up a week later, due to his resurfacing problems.

 

I don't think I'm CP, but I did feel it in the end, due to unresolved issues.

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