daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 This is a first. Against my better judgement, I decided to keep giving a guy chances that kept doing things pretty half assed and I got tired of it and gave him the "we should just be friends" speech on Xmas eve. We were supposed to hang out on Xmas eve and day, but I wasn't feeling up to it anymore. Background: We have a lot in common. We have gone out on ONE date. He calls multiple times daily and texts throughout the day. He thinks we're already in a relationship because of this odd illusion of being close when we've only met once. Date 1 - He texts to cancel. "Forget about tonight. Can't make it. Sorry." I suggested the next day we weren't compatible. The way he canceled the date was pretty rude. He asked for another chance. Like an idiot, I give it to him. Date 2 - He sets up date 2 for a certain time the next day for a coffee date. An hour before, he texts to push it back a half an hour later. He then shows up 15 minutes late. He doesn't offer to buy me a cup of coffee. I told him that I wanted to leave. He practically begged me to stay and asked me throughout the day to give him another chance. He asks me if I want to take a photo of him with my cell. I'm wondering what is wrong with this guy. Date 3 - He set this up the day after Date 2. A week goes by, he doesn't mention anything like time, place, plan. The day of, he waits til the afternoon and calls. I call him back. He doesn't answer his phone (doesn't go to vm probably because he's talking to someone else.) He doesn't call back for a while and I check online and yep, he's online talking to other people. I basically had had enough of his cavalier and lackadaisical attitude and told him we just weren't compatible. All of this after he promised he'd make it up to me for Dates 1 and 2. Never believe a desperate man when he asks you for another chance or to borrow money at a poker table. And the guy is desperate to have anyone because he has never been alone. This was my big waving red flag to begin with. During the conversation he cried a little, he tried to make me feel guilty and kept asking for more chances. I don't want to kick someone when they're down but he had too many to begin with. His actions and his words were completely inconsistent and he was super flaky. He lied about talking to other women, and kept asking me if I was dating others. He called me 4 times one night when I was out with a friend and then asked me who I was with. We have seen each other once in almost a month. I'm fed up. And the kicker is that when I tried to smoothe things over by wishing him a Merry Xmas and he told me to stop texting him, like a baby who didn't get his way. The same baby who turned it around on me like I was the bad guy. I wonder if the bitter people on here that do not advocate giving people the benefit of the doubt are right. There are some pretty selfish and wacky people out there.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I think giving a person the benefit of the doubt is always the right thing to do, but obviously there are limits. Being hopeful and trying to think he had good intentions, you gave him the benefit of the doubt... but I think you gave him a little too much slack. Good thing is, you gave him enough rope to hang himself with. The moment he cried (after two dates?) I would have probably run the other way.
january2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I think the big red flags started to wave after the first rude text.
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Star, He cried when I suggested we'd be better off as friends. After one whole date. Yes, that was our last conversation. lol I think you're right. I went the extreme route of cutting him too much slack. One of my guy friends was kind of up in arms about it after he heard the stories. He couldn't believe a guy could be so inconsiderate in his approach to dating.
fishtaco Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 He cried!?! Yikes. Bullet dodged. I deal with flaky women like this all the time. Unfortunately it's a common trait for both men and women. As for giving the benefit of the doubt. Here's my personal rule, which may or may not make sense for you. I would only give them the benefit of the doubt IF there was previous positive history. In your case, there wasn't.
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Good thing is, you gave him enough rope to hang himself with. This is my motto. So I don't have doubts later on I like to give them the rope and see what they do.
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 I think the big red flags started to wave after the first rude text. Yep. But he's a clinger so he wasn't having me suggest that it wasn't going to work out. Fortunately, this time he's the one "ending it" I guess with the rejection of text Merry Xmases. Whatever works.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 This is my motto. So I don't have doubts later on I like to give them the rope and see what they do. That's what I do. Works every time.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Star, He cried when I suggested we'd be better off as friends. After one whole date. Yes, that was our last conversation. lol I wonder if he's an overly sensitive man who can't control his emotions or whether he was being manipulative. Either way, bad sign!
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 He cried!?! Yikes. Bullet dodged. I deal with flaky women like this all the time. Unfortunately it's a common trait for both men and women. As for giving the benefit of the doubt. Here's my personal rule, which may or may not make sense for you. I would only give them the benefit of the doubt IF there was previous positive history. In your case, there wasn't. Fish, I felt like I was dating a woman through some of these things. I can understand that I hurt his feelings but crying after ONE DATE? I will never let someone build a fake relationship on texts and phone calls. If I don't get face time to see what someone's about, they're not for me. To a certain degree I agree about previous positive history. But sometimes if you just met, things happen and you don't know if there are just circumstances. I try to be reasonable but clearly I went overboard to the other side of fully naive. It probably came about because I was turning a blind eye due to the fact that we shared some rare commonalities. Lesson learned.
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 I wonder if he's an overly sensitive man who can't control his emotions or whether he was being manipulative. Either way, bad sign! Honestly I think it was both. I think I really did hurt his feelings, but I did notice that he was being manipulative by turning it around on me and telling me I was ruining his Xmas and he was going to go get drunk. Mine wasn't looking terribly peachy either since he was out scouting for women instead of focusing on a date with me but hey, who cares about how I feel? Apparently not him.
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Run don't walk. Fortunately, since he hates me, I don't have to do anything.
Art_Critic Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 During the conversation he cried a little, WTF ???.. Cry.. hahaha.. Isn't that for funerals of loved ones and the like ? Run don't walk. Agreed
fishtaco Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I will never let someone build a fake relationship on texts and phone calls. If I don't get face time to see what someone's about, they're not for me. Absolutely. Agreed. To a certain degree I agree about previous positive history. But sometimes if you just met, things happen and you don't know if there are just circumstances. I try to be reasonable but clearly I went overboard to the other side of fully naive. It probably came about because I was turning a blind eye due to the fact that we shared some rare commonalities. Lesson learned. Well, you are a nicer person than I am. But overall, no harm done. You did the right thing by giving him the boot. That's the most important part I think.
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 WTF ???.. Cry.. hahaha.. Isn't that for funerals of loved ones and the like ? I hate to laugh at his hurt feelings but I agree that I wasn't expecting that reaction. I think I made a mistake by giving in to his pressure to answer why. I had told him as gently as possible that I felt like we weren't clicking because he wasn't genuinely putting his best foot forward and I couldn't build interest on that. But perhaps I shouldn't have said that. I feel awful.
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 You did the right thing by giving him the boot. That's the most important part I think. I think so. I wish we could have been friends though cos he was a nice person, just not right for me.
Art_Critic Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I think so. I wish we could have been friends though cos he was a nice person, just not right for me. You could never be friends with a guy like that.. Crying like he did was a form of manipulation.. the guy would just bother the crap outta you if you tried to be friends.. he would always be thinking he could get you back if only.... It's good that it ended.. sorry that it ended on a holiday like Christmas though...
Author daphne Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 You could never be friends with a guy like that.. Crying like he did was a form of manipulation.. the guy would just bother the crap outta you if you tried to be friends.. he would always be thinking he could get you back if only.... You're right. He doesn't like not getting his way.
tami-chan Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Fish, I felt like I was dating a woman through some of these things. I can understand that I hurt his feelings but crying after ONE DATE? Too funny . Thank your lucky stars for getting rid of him...or should I say "thank your lucky stars that HE got rid of you":rolleyes:...I don't want to hurt his feelings :lmao:!!!!
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I think so. I wish we could have been friends though cos he was a nice person, just not right for me. We sure didn't get any clues at all about him being "nice" from your posts. Next time, please look at the early signs. This guy gave you every bit of info that you needed to realize that he had NOTHING to offer you in any type of relationship (including friendship) before you even met him. Value yourself much more than this please!
HeartOnSleeve Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Run don't walk. AGREED.....I would be outa there in about 2 seconds...this guy has issues! for a min I thought it was this guy I went on a date with last week...lol.
Author daphne Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 We sure didn't get any clues at all about him being "nice" from your posts. Next time, please look at the early signs. This guy gave you every bit of info that you needed to realize that he had NOTHING to offer you in any type of relationship (including friendship) before you even met him. Value yourself much more than this please! My post was already long and I can't give a full picture that anyone will read so you need to take some things at face value. I maintain that he was a good guy. Emotionally overly sensitive, selfish and not great boyfriend material yes, but he was a gentle person with decent values. No one's perfect. I do value myself very highly. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Nothing I regret in that.
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