betrayedbywifeof15 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I am struggling - my story is a long one but probably similar to many. My wife of 15 years started really focusing on her body in 2009 and spent a lot of time at the gym. Her personality changed so oddly as the men at the gym started paying her attention and eventually she chose to get into bed with one of them. I had a suspicion something was going on but could never believe that a woman who I had loved for so many years, had 3 children with, and supported her family for 14 years would destroy us - but she did. When I finally found out the truth for certain - it destroyed me - and has continued to destroy me. I feel so inadequate as a man and a lover because she got into bed with a man from her gym while I was working all day long every day to provide for us. Although I know I am wrong to do so - I keep blaming myself for what has happened because maybe I didn't focus enough on her and spent too much time on my career and family (my kids in particular). She moved out 3 weeks ago to "find herself" - - and I believe that she is suffering from a narcissistic disorder as she believes herself to be so superior to everyone. Why am I the one in such pain while she struts around town as if everything is okay and great. My lawyer and all my counselors tell me that I have all the cards - but all I can find myself thinking about is her coming home - but as the woman she used to be and not who that stupid gym morphed her into. What other experiences are there out there similar to mine? Is there any hope or do I surrender and just go on without her? I am deeply in love with her - but not who she is now - it is almost as if she is possessed by evil. I am so sad for myself and our kids - she took 15 years and threw it to the curb like a pile of trash so that she could get into bed with another man with her gym. Help me.
Distant78 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I am struggling - my story is a long one but probably similar to many. My wife of 15 years started really focusing on her body in 2009 and spent a lot of time at the gym. Her personality changed so oddly as the men at the gym started paying her attention and eventually she chose to get into bed with one of them. I had a suspicion something was going on but could never believe that a woman who I had loved for so many years, had 3 children with, and supported her family for 14 years would destroy us - but she did. When I finally found out the truth for certain - it destroyed me - and has continued to destroy me. I feel so inadequate as a man and a lover because she got into bed with a man from her gym while I was working all day long every day to provide for us. Although I know I am wrong to do so - I keep blaming myself for what has happened because maybe I didn't focus enough on her and spent too much time on my career and family (my kids in particular). She moved out 3 weeks ago to "find herself" - - and I believe that she is suffering from a narcissistic disorder as she believes herself to be so superior to everyone. Why am I the one in such pain while she struts around town as if everything is okay and great. My lawyer and all my counselors tell me that I have all the cards - but all I can find myself thinking about is her coming home - but as the woman she used to be and not who that stupid gym morphed her into. What other experiences are there out there similar to mine? Is there any hope or do I surrender and just go on without her? I am deeply in love with her - but not who she is now - it is almost as if she is possessed by evil. I am so sad for myself and our kids - she took 15 years and threw it to the curb like a pile of trash so that she could get into bed with another man with her gym. Help me. Dude, you know it's not your fault, no matter what was going on in the marriage. It has nothing to do with your wife being selfish enough to throw away everything she has for a 10-minute lay in the sack. She chose to do that on her own, consciously. Hope you're ready for divorce, and taking care of your kids. Let her strut around town screwing every guy who has their eyes glued on her. All cheaters fall from their selfish platform eventually.
PegNosePete Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Dude maybe she'll come back and maybe she won't. But whatever you do, you need to man up. You need to be a strong pillar of take-no-sh*t. She's suffering from a very common disease, it's called selfish bit*hitis. You seem to already have a good idea of what's what, from your post. So I guess there's no point telling you it's not your fault, that she's not the woman you loved any more, or to get a lawyer since you already have one. Whether she comes crawling back to you, or whether you want to give her another chance or not, you need to be resolute in your stance. Do not pussy-foot around, do not beg or tell her you love her or will do anything for her. Tell her to get her ass back if she wants to save your marriage, or else f*ck off forever. You need to be a strong man now, not a puppy dog or a doormat.
wicar1 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 (edited) deleted... Edited December 27, 2010 by wicar1
miso horny Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 She IS what she is now... You can NOT go back, actions she CHOSE have changed that, FOREVER. What you need to focus on is this: a NEW relationship with her. Whatever that is. More than likely as a divorced couple, PARENTS of 3 beautiful children. There will be NO way for you to shake this, as a husband. NO WAY! But you can build a new relationship, and a good one as co-parents of your children. Sorry, but that is the only "healthy" path for you. Act as if your pulling the band-aid off, quick and hopefully painless. Hang in there
macgyver359 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Go to this sire below, they have a lit of info about the steps of a affair. You need some big b*lls right now. Expose her to the world, your parents, her parents, friends Etc.. That will help start her mine going. She is in the fog of new love read read read about this. I saved my marriage with there help below. Trust me http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/
Distant78 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Go to this sire below, they have a lit of info about the steps of a affair. You need some big b*lls right now. Expose her to the world, your parents, her parents, friends Etc.. That will help start her mine going. She is in the fog of new love read read read about this. I saved my marriage with there help below. Trust me http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/ No. She's not in a "fog of new love." She's being a tramp and not caring about her own family unit. This has gone beyond the realm of trying to reconcile IMO.
bestplayer Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I am struggling - my story is a long one but probably similar to many. My wife of 15 years started really focusing on her body in 2009 and spent a lot of time at the gym. Her personality changed so oddly as the men at the gym started paying her attention and eventually she chose to get into bed with one of them. I had a suspicion something was going on but could never believe that a woman who I had loved for so many years, had 3 children with, and supported her family for 14 years would destroy us - but she did. When I finally found out the truth for certain - it destroyed me - and has continued to destroy me. I feel so inadequate as a man and a lover because she got into bed with a man from her gym while I was working all day long every day to provide for us. Although I know I am wrong to do so - I keep blaming myself for what has happened because maybe I didn't focus enough on her and spent too much time on my career and family (my kids in particular). She moved out 3 weeks ago to "find herself" - - and I believe that she is suffering from a narcissistic disorder as she believes herself to be so superior to everyone. Why am I the one in such pain while she struts around town as if everything is okay and great. My lawyer and all my counselors tell me that I have all the cards - but all I can find myself thinking about is her coming home - but as the woman she used to be and not who that stupid gym morphed her into. What other experiences are there out there similar to mine? Is there any hope or do I surrender and just go on without her? I am deeply in love with her - but not who she is now - it is almost as if she is possessed by evil. I am so sad for myself and our kids - she took 15 years and threw it to the curb like a pile of trash so that she could get into bed with another man with her gym. Help me. Right now the problem is you . She isn't having no disorder ,she is selfish & has no respect or love for you or your faimly . Thats why she is going out having fun with her lovers while you are acting like a weak & needy person . Its high time you start behaving like a man , get rid of her asap . Best of luck
dont-be-naive Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 She moved out 3 weeks ago to "find herself" that is a line of bull spoken by people who don't have anything better to say. They don't want to say, "I'm a cheater", so they say they have to find themselves. and I believe that she is suffering from a narcissistic disorder as she believes herself to be so superior to everyone. Why am I the one in such pain while she struts around town as if everything is okay and great. trust me, anyone worth their salt won't see her strutting as a good thing for her. she is showing her ass and people aren't fooled, trust me on that. My lawyer and all my counselors tell me that I have all the cards - but all I can find myself thinking about is her coming home why? all you'll have is a woman you'll never be able to trust, and someone that will always want to have another man in her bed from time to time. You are MUCH better off without her. Let her be some other guy's problem. but as the woman she used to be and not who that stupid gym morphed her into. they gym didn't do it to her. its part of her character. and she will never be what she use to be, and even if she attempted to be such and it looks like she is, you'll never forget what she did and will be suspicious of her. trust me, you are better off without her. What other experiences are there out there similar to mine? Is there any hope or do I surrender and just go on without her? I am deeply in love with her - but not who she is now - it is almost as if she is possessed by evil. question, why do you love someone that is working out and wanting to look good for other men? why do you love a woman that wants other men? I am so sad for myself and our kids - she took 15 years and threw it to the curb like a pile of trash so that she could get into bed with another man with her gym. Help me. been there done that my man. but I can tell you my life is much better not having a woman like that in my life. having to look over your shoulder is no life, and as far as your kids, she did this to them, not you. Its just too bad infidelity doesn't factor into custody.
Steadfast Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 You will find many here with a similar story. Me included. My experience suggests you're in the first of two very difficult stages. The first is the acceptance that your marriage is crumbling (with additional fire added by your wife's cruelty). The second will come after the divorce is finalized. It does get better. It really does. But there are steps you must take. If you're not able to make the pain leave, leave the pain. That means distancing yourself from your wife's behavior and actions. Gain strength by rejecting what she's doing and who she's doing it with. Take clear, measurable steps away from her. You'll feel better when you don't have a cheating wife (read: not married to her any longer) and the attraction for cheating will lose its flavor for her when you're not involved. Reject it. Do not talk about the relationship with her. Just the kids and/or legalities. Allow your controlled anger to bolster your position by refusing to take part in her sickness, but treat her with respect and kindness. This is for you; for your heart and soul. She doesn't deserve it, you do. Be smart. Focus on eating right, exercising, and getting proper rest. Your body and emotions are taking a beating right now. Show yourself some love. OK? Cheaters in affair fog really do turn into different people, but know for certain that this is something your wife chose to do. She is not possessed; her actions come from her decisions and nothing else. She wanted this. Now she has it. Worry not what will become of her. Your focus should be on the children and their father's ability to care for them. They need you, and you need you to be happy and whole. You will be if you take proper action and focus on your responsibilities. I know it's tough...anyone who has been in your shoes knows the range of emotion. I carry the scars, but they don't hurt any longer. I'm sorry and sad it happened but like you, I had no say in it. This is one of two possible outcomes when we trust our heart to another. You've been dealt a bad hand. So be it. Rise to the occasion. Lean on friends and post here. We made it...are making it. You'll make it too.
Author betrayedbywifeof15 Posted December 28, 2010 Author Posted December 28, 2010 I want to thank each of you for posting on this thread. It has opened my eyes a lot today. I guess if she chooses to live in the cheater's fog then it is beyond my control. I know that I did my best for her for 17 years and she made a horrible choice and has and will destroy the family - but I have 3 kids who need me and she has made some very stupid concessions already in the separation agreement and I cannot for the life of me figure out how she makes it - the math doesn't work. However, I can't worry about it - I have to move forward. Thank you again - and I look forward to more posts to help me get this. My body and mind have been brutalized........I hope sanity and health will return.
Distant78 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I want to thank each of you for posting on this thread. It has opened my eyes a lot today. I guess if she chooses to live in the cheater's fog then it is beyond my control. I know that I did my best for her for 17 years and she made a horrible choice and has and will destroy the family - but I have 3 kids who need me and she has made some very stupid concessions already in the separation agreement and I cannot for the life of me figure out how she makes it - the math doesn't work. However, I can't worry about it - I have to move forward. Thank you again - and I look forward to more posts to help me get this. My body and mind have been brutalized........I hope sanity and health will return. Don't worry man. You will come out of this stronger than ever, and in time you will wonder why did you even love someone who didn't care about you.
Recommended Posts