Need to Rant, Way 2 Long...(better here than to her, right?)

[AbsoluteSucker]

My ex-girl got fired from three jobs in a row over the course of two years, which I know sounds really bad, but most of that was due to the economy. At the same time, I started to do really well at my job and she admitted to being a jealous. She told me she was feeling pretty bad about her life and was worried about beginning to depend on me 100%. I offered to pay for her to go back to school and finish college, but that would only make her feel even more dependent. I'm 30, she's 26, lived together 2 1/2 years. She told me she needed some space to get her life together and needed to "grow up", her words, not mine, to be in a relationship with me. More excuses I suppose. She said that if she didn't do this now, she didn't want to be 30, 35 or 40 and needing to find herself. And at 26 she wasn't ready to just stay home make babies and take care of me, crazy, huh? . I didn't want her to leave and told her, but I didn't want to have to convince, beg, plead for her to be with me either.

 

Except for a few tears here and there, and some pathetic comments, I haven't done anything to be completely embarrassed about (i.e. begging, pleading etc...). Although, I have broken just about every rule in homebrew's manifesto and been way too understanding. I love her 110%, but she feels the need to prove her independence to herself to be in a healthy relationship. We didn't really have any major problems, but she can't be happy in a relationship unless she's somewhat content with herself, right?. Since we broke up, my logic was to be at least honest about how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. So not every time we talked or emailed, but every once in a while I would say, "You know I love you, right? I still want to be with you"

 

Anyway, she left and went back home six months ago, and we were on descent terms. We talked some, but not a lot, it was really hard. After about three months, I could sense her needing to establish her independence and the phone calls became forced. Long story short, she was being b**thy and I didn't deserve it, so I started the NC. We didn't talk for about two months, then she called me crying, saying she missed me and apologized for making this so hard. I fell right back into it and said I loved her as well. She said she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me right now, because she feels like what she needs to find is really important. I don't if this is her being honest with me or f****** with me.

 

Two days after the call I emailed her (stupid, stupid, stupid...) saying that hopefully we can get this thing worked out someday, maybe, maybe not, but nice to know its possible. I just wanted to say something to be on good terms, go on with the NC and leave the door open for the future. All I wanted was an "ok, sounds good, we'll see what happens." She didn't even email me back. I got a random text from her three weeks later, and like a dumb***, I answered her random text with a random answer. Nothing since.

 

I didn't say anything when I talked to her, but during the NC phase, I found out from a friend that she's moving back sometime this next year, as part of her "independence plan" and "getting her life together". I don't have FB, so I can't really keep tabs on her. Even though she only has a couple friends here and no family. I feel like she doesn't want to tell me, because that would mean it wouldn't be on her own. She doesn't want to let me go, but doesn't want to connect again until she feels better about her life.

 

I know, I know...I've gone on and on, but I can't decide if we're being adult about this or if she's just bagging on me and I'm being a doormat. She's told me she doesn't want me to wait for her, but hopes we get back together someday. Obviously, my biggest problem is that she left, if you love someone you don't leave, right? Also, we're both seeing other people and it drives me crazy that the girl I love is maybe hooking up with other guys. We're broken up, we can do whatever we want. I've slept with other girls, trying to speed up the healing phase, not working, but better then sitting at home alone and depressed, I suppose. I don't know what to do, NOTHING makes this better. I know it bothers her that I may be having sex with other girls, but her need to do what she's doing outweighs me sleeping with someone else.

 

At some point (six months, five years???), she's going to contact me and at least see where things are at with us. She's made this crazy hard for me, and I hope to be in another healthy relationship and not concerned about "us" at some point, but how many people do you actually love completely in life that you don't marry...2...3...maybe 5, its not that simple. I love her, but I don't want to go through this again with her, but whose to say I won't go through something similar with someone else. At least we have a deep rooted history to fall back on and learn from. We work on a lot of levels. I know more excuses.

 

If she wants to get back together and I still love her, do I give another shot? Do I make it hard for her like she did to me? Make her prove that she loves me? Does making it easy for her make me pathetic? Is it too late for us? I know getting back together with an ex is rarely a good idea, but I just needed to vent and maybe get a thought or two. This whole thing just makes me so f****** angry...I'm really glad I found this site and wish I would have found it six months ago.

[Fern]

As things stand, she's making you crazy. So you need to move on. You know it yourself. You're just asking for confirmation. It's really hard - but it is better than feeling in limbo like you are now. Making the decision and sticking to it takes back a bit of your power. You KNOW what you need to do.

[AbsoluteSucker]

I feel so dumb about the whole thing that it just makes me angry. I don't know anything...I just can't help but wonder at what point is someone being honest with you about how they feel or just feeding you crap in order to keep you hooked. I didn't want her to leave and I don't want to care now, but this is going to come back around at some point and it leaves me in relationship purgatory.

 

I lose the power if I shoot a random email, saying "BTW please don't ever contact me if you want to get back together. It would be too hard and I just can't take it"

 

Hopefully I can move on and it won't be an issue, but when your trying to move on, it never happens, it'll just sneak up on me unexpectedly, later than sooner.

[Fern]

You need to give up. You need to do the ACTIONS that represent giving up and moving on and MEAN them. Delete all her contacts, delete the photos, dump or send back her stuff. MEAN it, even if you don't feel it. I was still crazy in love with my ex when I did all those things, I didn't believe for a second I was ever going to get over him - but by GOD was I determined to give it a college try. Commit to recovery. She's like a drug - you just haven't hit rock bottom yet is the problem. You still have hope. But you know what - whether you're waiting for her or not makes NO DIFFERENCE to her eventual decision. You have NO CONTROL over her actions. So for your own sanity - decide to get over her. Then, if she comes back to you, you'll be in a position of strength to decide whether you want what she has to offer. And if she does't come back - so what, you're over it. Make the decision. I know it's easier said than done when you still have hope - but honestly - if she REALLY wanted you, timing/circumstances/yadda yadda, it wouldn't be insurmountable. You're giving away all your power. Take it back.

[AbsoluteSucker]

You're completely right, I am just at a loss. I've been through the drinking stage and the one night stands. I have no reminders, deleted all emails, phone numbers, pics, videos and everything from the apartment.

 

Now I'm doing the gym thing, hanging with good friends, focusing on work, and thinking about going to grad school. I know I'm doing the right things and time will cure all ills, I just need to hear this stuff from posters to keep up with the NC and get a reality check. We've already separated once and got back together, so we've set a bit of a precedent.

 

We've been doing the on and off thing for 4 years, and I know this is going to come back and bite me in the a** at some point, I just really hope to be over it and strong enough to ignore it when it does. If she wanted to be with me she would and nothing else should matter, that's what I keep telling myself. Like I said on the subject line, I just need to vent and better here than to her...

[Movingthrough]

You're completely right, I am just at a loss. I've been through the drinking stage and the one night stands. I have no reminders, deleted all emails, phone numbers, pics, videos and everything from the apartment.

 

Now I'm doing the gym thing, hanging with good friends, focusing on work, and thinking about going to grad school. I know I'm doing the right things and time will cure all ills, I just need to hear this stuff from posters to keep up with the NC and get a reality check. We've already separated once and got back together, so we've set a bit of a precedent.

 

We've been doing the on and off thing for 4 years, and I know this is going to come back and bite me in the a** at some point, I just really hope to be over it and strong enough to ignore it when it does. If she wanted to be with me she would and nothing else should matter, that's what I keep telling myself. Like I said on the subject line, I just need to vent and better here than to her...

 

Well man I think I know what you are trying to get across here, and i battle the same thing.

 

I think what you mean is, you are trying to be an adult, be honest with her, tell her how you feel and you know deep down she does love you. But the whole i need space and i love you but i cant do this right now etc etc is the problem. To be honest with you, that has been my million dollar question for months. Can someone actually say those things, mean them but still not be with you?

 

In my situation i was out of country, and when i came back the feelings came back, but she was moved on, so while i heard all these good things, there was no way she was leaving what was right in front of her face. Me and you must be a lot alike because right now Im thinking the same thing you are, you know you are going to hear back from them, you know you have feelings but you dont want to get played with again.

 

The problem with all of this (i wish i could actually feel this) is when someone is saying they cant be with you for whatever reason, its basically saying they dont want to be. Like the other poster said, if someone wants too they make it happen no matter what. But just like with you, Im waiting for that call in a few months saying i miss you or whatever, then its like well back to square one.

 

I know i didnt give you much advise but i see where you are coming from and i have been thinking the same thing, you want to be an adult and tell the person how you feel but you are technically doing everything "wrong". The hardest part of me for NC has been the fact that i feel kind of childish doing it, both parties stone walling and hoping one makes communication. But i know its what needs to be done...

[AbsoluteSucker]

Funny man, I just posted on your message saying that I understood your situation all too well. I don't know, I just been at a place in my life where I felt what I needed to do was more important than anything else (if you don't do that in your 20s, when do you do that), and had comfort that there was someone out who loved me enough to let me do my thing. Now, that didn't ultimately work out for other reasons, but it could have.

 

I mean not everyone's goal is to be a relationship and make it work. There is more to life and sometimes you have to go out and find that. In my mind she's completely ruining everything we had by taking this chance and she thinks if we love each other enough, we'll work this out somehow, someway down the line and pick up where we left off. It's ironic, because she's trying to extend things with me as long as possible, which is why she waits to contact me in long stretches and I'm trying to get over this as quickly as possible and we're butting heads.

 

I'm angry that she's doing this and there would be nothing better then to be with someone that I feel just as strongly about at this moment, but there isn't. I'm doing the NC thing, not making things worse for myself, but I'm sitting in the s***. I know things will get better, I just know when do that's when she'll hunt me down, and when she does, she'll won't bother calling or email, she will find me and talk to me face to face.

[durkadurka]

My friend, I was (kind of still am) in a similar situation. My ex moved home to help support her family, I wasn't prepared to move with her unless she was committed to us, and knew where she was going to live for the next few years. The chances of this thing working out to support her family were marginal, 8 months later she is broke, and living in her sister's bedroom. I feel torn because part of me wants to say 'told you so' but the other part of my heart suffers with her.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. When long becomes short, and frequent becomes infrequent, it means she has found someone to amuse her, at least in the short term.

 

The chances that it is otherwise, are so minimal, it's not really worth mentioning.

 

I can sympathize with you and the pain that you are enduring, and I hope that in time things get better for you.

Edited December 27, 2010 by durkadurka

[AbsoluteSucker]

I have no doubt that she is playing the field, as am I, it's human nature, and it drives me crazy to think about her with someone else, but we're not together, we are free to do as we please. We didn't make any promises and knew that a LTR would never work, too much pressure and no reason to even go down that path.

 

If somebody feels like something is important, you can't talk them out of it and by trying to, you're just doing yourself a disservice, because your motives aren't pure and it comes across as selfish and devalues what they are doing. People need time to figure stuff out for themselves.

 

The reason NC works is because when someone breaks up or leaves you, they are looking for reasons to prove that they made the right decision. By doing the NC, you are giving them an opportunity to realize their f*** up. And it rarely works, because the last thing they want to do is admit a mistake or come crawling back.

 

Part of the reason why I'm having such a hard time is because part of it does make sense and I don't want to be with her until she figures something out. It really stresses out a relationship when someone feels they have no ambition and don't know what they want to do in life. You get depressed and sometimes a change of scenery is the only way to snap out of it, I've been there. Not only that, but it was beginning to drain me as well and she could see that. We had great times together, and we talked marriage, but we weren't there yet. If a couple isn't making each others life better by being together, then its not worth it. She made it pretty clear that she wanted to be better to be in a relationship. My plan is for that not to be with me, but I'm talking big, because this is anonymous.

 

So she went home to try and figure stuff out and now all she is doing is working and saving money so that she can come back and prove to herself that she can be independent. By that point I want to be done with it all and moved on, but our track record doesn't support that happening, we always find a way to fall back in it together no matter how much time passes and we've both said too many times that we want to end up together. Stupid, stupid, stupid...I know, believe me

[durkadurka]

I have no doubt that she is playing the field, as am I, it's human nature, and it drives me crazy to think about her with someone else, but we're not together, we are free to do as we please. We didn't make any promises and knew that a LTR would never work, too much pressure and no reason to even go down that path.

 

If somebody feels like something is important, you can't talk them out of it and by trying to, you're just doing yourself a disservice, because your motives aren't pure and it comes across as selfish and devalues what they are doing. People need time to figure stuff out for themselves.

 

The reason NC works is because when someone breaks up or leaves you, they are looking for reasons to prove that they made the right decision. By doing the NC, you are giving them an opportunity to realize their f*** up. And it rarely works, because the last thing they want to do is admit a mistake or come crawling back.

 

Part of the reason why I'm having such a hard time is because part of it does make sense and I don't want to be with her until she figures something out. It really stresses out a relationship when someone feels they have no ambition and don't know what they want to do in life. You get depressed and sometimes a change of scenery is the only way to snap out of it, I've been there. Not only that, but it was beginning to drain me as well and she could see that. We had great times together, and we talked marriage, but we weren't there yet. If a couple isn't making each others life better by being together, then its not worth it. She made it pretty clear that she wanted to be better to be in a relationship. My plan is for that not to be with me, but I'm talking big, because this is anonymous.

 

So she went home to try and figure stuff out and now all she is doing is working and saving money so that she can come back and prove to herself that she can be independent. By that point I want to be done with it all and moved on, but our track record doesn't support that happening, we always find a way to fall back in it together no matter how much time passes and we've both said too many times that we want to end up together. Stupid, stupid, stupid...I know, believe me

 

Intriguing situation man. Wish I knew that she was going to come back at some point. Instead, I keep on getting the 'I'm still attracted to you, but I'm seeing someone else' line, meanwhile she's telling me she wants to go to my place in Hawaii.

 

Frankly, if a person isn't prepared to work for you, they aren't worth your friendship or your hand in a relationship.

 

We mortgage our souls for the ones we love, and there's no limit to how far we will go.

 

How silly.

[AbsoluteSucker]

It's completely ridiculous the stuff we do or why we can't get these thoughts out of our head. Honestly, I don't even sit around hoping we'll get back together, I try and come up with reasons why this will never work. But the fact that I am thinking about it at all is the problem.

 

I guess I had two choices, I could have either lied and told her good riddance when she left (which maybe I should have done) and lived knowing that I lied to the girl I loved or be honest with her, take solace in that and eat the s*** that came with it.

 

For me, I don't think it would have mattered either way, aside from maybe having a more respectable story and "power" in the situation by hurting her the way she hurt me, I'd still have the same feelings plus the regret of not being honest. No matter how pathetic I feel or acted, I don't have any regrets about how I treated her or loved her. And if she doesn't want that, nothing I can do can change that.

 

I guess for you it sounds like if she wants to go to your place, its whether you can separate your feelings from sex, I could never do it with my ex, way too hard. It's very unhealthy for the party with feelings.

 

I'm not friends with her and I don't plan on being in a relationship, I just want to get to that point where there is nothing she can say that would make me want to get back together. Working on it...

[durkadurka]

It's completely ridiculous the stuff we do or why we can't get these thoughts out of our head. Honestly, I don't even sit around hoping we'll get back together, I try and come up with reasons why this will never work. But the fact that I am thinking about it at all is the problem.

 

I guess I had two choices, I could have either lied and told her good riddance when she left (which maybe I should have done) and lived knowing that I lied to the girl I loved or be honest with her, take solace in that and eat the s*** that came with it.

 

For me, I don't think it would have mattered either way, aside from maybe having a more respectable story and "power" in the situation by hurting her the way she hurt me, I'd still have the same feelings plus the regret of not being honest. No matter how pathetic I feel or acted, I don't have any regrets about how I treated her or loved her. And if she doesn't want that, nothing I can do can change that.

 

I guess for you it sounds like if she wants to go to your place, its whether you can separate your feelings from sex, I could never do it with my ex, way too hard. It's very unhealthy for the party with feelings.

 

I'm not friends with her and I don't plan on being in a relationship, I just want to get to that point where there is nothing she can say that would make me want to get back together. Working on it...

 

Maintaining your self respect is paramount. I think you're doing a really amazing thing keeping yourself in check.

 

My ex can't make up her mind, she wants to be friends, but likes me still and feels conflicted.. but it seeing someone else. It's just time to walk away.

 

Just keep in mind what I said, it seems like you have a really solid head on your shoulders and you're a pretty amazing fellow.

[AbsoluteSucker]

Thanks man, I'm trying, but I've been my own worst enemy and way to understanding to her cause. My self-respect is dwindling, the more i talk about it, but what are you going to do?

 

If you have the will, walk away. No reason for one person to make life harder on someone, its selfish and unnecessary.