Too Soon for Booty Call?

[MrNate]

This has to rank up there with one of the dumbest goddamn threads I have ever read.

 

 

Men: When you go out with a girl, why would you possibly assume she is not seeing anyone else? WHY! Your fragile ego cant take it?

So what if she is! Look into some Advantix.

 

Women: Wow. A couple of you are just off the charts. The moral wrong doings thrown around so far are incredible. Whether you like to think so or not, your vagina is not that valuable, it is not golden! We (us men) owe you nothing.

 

Some good advice all around. I have no idea how this thread got so crazy.

 

Preach it, brotha!

[Distant78]

Anne, I think it's important for you to clarify whether you actually want a serious relationship. And if you met someone you thought was worth having a serious relationship, would you cut things of with this guy you're sleeping with? Also if you were on a first date, I hope you wouldn't just spring this on the guy. You should wait and tell him when you see there is potential. You should only sleep with this guy if you enjoy the intimacy and are sexually compatible. Just be safe. You should be clear with us regarding your intent to get another partner. I suspect it's just something you mentioned as a thought, and probably wouldn't do it. I get the impression you're able to love though, and that's important. You don't want to just have shallow relationships all your life. Just don't be promiscuous. Have some class.

 

Ya right. The reason why she won't say anything to her other dates is because she knows they'll run away. They're not looking for a woman who's still boning someone else.

[USMCHokie]

Ya right. The reason why she won't say anything to her other dates is because she knows they'll run away. They're not looking for a woman who's still boning someone else.

 

Exactly. Which was my whole point to begin with. But the ones that stay after hearing that are the ones who wouldn't mind that she's "with" other guys. She gets exactly what she wants, which is exactly what she herself is offering to these guys. There's nothing wrong with it. It's simply incompatible with the mindsets of some of us here. That's all.

[Distant78]

Exactly. Which was my whole point to begin with. But the ones that stay after hearing that are the ones who wouldn't mind that she's "with" other guys. She gets exactly what she wants, which is exactly what she herself is offering to these guys. There's nothing wrong with it. It's simply incompatible with the mindsets of some of us here. That's all.

 

Yea, the one's who except that are pushovers and are not realizing they're safety nets to fall on.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Jesus, this is out of control.

 

First of all, I don't currently have multiple sex partners. In fact, I have been not married for seven months and have only had two sex partners (one of whom is my current FWB, the other I don't even really count because it was about 30 seconds). It was an idea I was throwing out - since this is, you know, a forum about sex and relationships.

 

I don't know how old you guys are but I'm in my late 20s. I don't think it's unusual for people to have a casual sex partner. Yes, I am still dating. If I was to go out on a date with someone and thought they had potential then I would stop seeing my casual sex partner but I'm not going to do that on first dates. As it is, I'm only seeing my casual sex partner about every other week. A first date is seeing if someone has potential and trying to get to know them. I mean, how is this any different from dating a few people at a time, and then one night you sleep with one of them? I mean, most people don't just go out on one date a week and then wait to see what will happen - most people are seeing several people at a time until a relationship is established.

 

I have made it clear when I go out with people that I'm trying to figure out what I want and I'm not currently looking for a serious relationship. I'm upfront about who I am. Men can decide or not decide if they still want to take me out - 95% of the time they still want to go out on a date. Do you think the men I'm going out with aren't potentially hooking up occassionally with someone? If you're not in a relationship then it's pretty fair game in my opinion.

 

Oh, and not that anyone even cares at this point but I ended up texting FWB - he can't meet tonight but we're meeting later this week and will be playing out one of my fantasy. For all the people who are against this - this was actually one of my primary reasons for having a FWB - there are no emotions involved so you can just lay it all out on the table and try things that you may not want to try with a partner. It's been a lot of fun to be with someone who is comfortable and wants to explore.

 

Wow! I just don't know where to begin with this one. LOL

 

Okay, let's see, I don't know whether or not to feel sorry for this woman or her potential/current dates that are clueless. Maybe both.

 

I think this woman is clearly disturbed to some extent. I mean I don't know what to believe from her. Starting with the age, first she's 30 years old and now she's in her late 20's. What's up with that????

 

This woman is on another forum asking for help because she obviously got used for sex by this lawyer guy. She made it very clear to him many times that she doesn't want a "friends with benefits" deal.

 

This guy lied to her that he wasn't seeing anyone else and that he's not into FWB either that he's more of a relationship type of guy. Come to find out when she decides to google this lawyer she's already slept with and is all of a sudden to busy to see her again, she finds out that he's been sleeping with multiple women and even talking about dating her and if "divorced women are DTF" that's down to ****.

 

This woman got played and used. Now she's on this sort of misguided empowerment trip that she's all about FWB, with the same lawyer guy, and multiple dating, when clearly she isn't. She just feels used, obviously.

 

Anned, I think you have some serious issues you should deal with maybe counseling might help. I know what it's like to be cheated and lied to by a partner. This is not the way. I think you should step back and try to figure out who you are and what you want in your life. I think the only one you're fooling is yourself.

[Star Gazer]

Wow! I just don't know where to begin with this one. LOL

 

Okay, let's see, I don't know whether or not to feel sorry for this woman or her potential/current dates that are clueless. Maybe both.

 

I think this woman is clearly disturbed to some extent. I mean I don't know what to believe from her. Starting with the age, first she's 30 years old and now she's in her late 20's. What's up with that????

 

This woman is on another forum asking for help because she obviously got used for sex by this lawyer guy. She made it very clear to him many times that she doesn't want a "friends with benefits" deal.

 

This guy lied to her that he wasn't seeing anyone else and that he's not into FWB either that he's more of a relationship type of guy. Come to find out when she decides to google this lawyer she's already slept with and is all of a sudden to busy to see her again, she finds out that he's been sleeping with multiple women and even talking about dating her and if "divorced women are DTF" that's down to ****.

 

This woman got played and used. Now she's on this sort of misguided empowerment trip that she's all about FWB, with the same lawyer guy, and multiple dating, when clearly she isn't. She just feels used, obviously.

 

Anned, I think you have some serious issues you should deal with maybe counseling might help. I know what it's like to be cheated and lied to by a partner. This is not the way. I think you should step back and try to figure out who you are and what you want in your life. I think the only one you're fooling is yourself.

 

I noticed the age thing change too.

 

The rest is helpful; I wasn't aware of her backstory as much as you and Northern_Sky are.

[Gypsy_Soul]

http://entjforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=536&sid=d0fad87476227ea224337ebd42d9cca8&start=40

[Star Gazer]

Wow. That's a very different vibe than what is being said here. In that thread, she's clearly wanting a relationship and says she's not capable of casual dating. I suspected as much.

[tami-chan]

Oh, you're right. I actually think SG is entitled to her opinion as is anyone else on this forum. I just think that if someone can't state that opinion without making personal insults (calling someone unattractive, making a pukey face, and implying that no one will ever consider them LTR material) they deserve to have it pointed out that their personal life isn't roses either.

 

 

I agree;). Apparently, stating " I am just being honest" allows one to be rude...<shrug>...anyway....

 

OP, send him a text if you want..but never beg for anything and never push for it . I have never had an FWB, but think that FWB is actually more complicated than a committed relationship-just because of the many gray areas. I tell you what though, because you want him more (or more often) than he does then relationship is not equal and you will most likely get hurt in the end.

[OceanGirl]

I haven't gotten around to reading all of this thread but I have read anne's posts on that other forum.

 

I am not really sure if you are being honest with yourself here. It sounds like you met a guy you fell for and were hoping to start a relationship with. Then he didn't feel the same and now you are trying to hold on to him through staying FWB. Honestly, that guy sounds like bad news. You are disrespecting yourself by having any contact with him, let alone having sex.

 

I feel like deep down, you are hoping that in time he will fall for you through sex. Only this never happens

[Girlygirl1977]

I've read every post here, the previous threads you started and the other forum (most but not all of those).

 

I think Anne you are deceiving yourself and self-deception is a hard thing to go through. It sounds like after your husband hurt you, you would like to find something more fulfilling. I do not think a FWB arrangement will get you there.

 

I also think you will get hurt with this lawyer guy. He is already putting you off when you asked for sex today (umm most men dont do that). He views himself in a position of power bc of all your previous dealings with him and he fairly thinks you like him more than he does. This isn't a great position to be esp in a FWB situation. You need to get out of this.

 

If you do still choose to do a FWB situation it should be one that work so you dont need two! I have never been in one so I'm not one to speak more about this. I think they are complicated and leave a lot of room for hurt when feelings come into play which likely happens for one party.

 

All in all, be honest with yourself and what you are looking for. In the meantime, I hope you are seeing someone about this (therapist) bc the divorce is not fully out of your system. I do think you are looking for something more fulfilling in the end and this FWB road at least with this lawyer who already disrespected you is not the right path imho.

 

Take care of yourself - and look at what has transpired.

[radiodarcy]

this reminds me of the time my former FWB hit me up for sex via text - - after telling me that he had decided to and - -was in fact - - actively dating. my response: um.. NO - - not while you are seeing other people. i also had feelings for him - - which he was well aware of. i thought i could handle FWB but i realized i simply couldn't. i need an emotional connection in order to be with someone. so to a degree - - i understand where Anned80 is coming from. but - - i just can't leave it at "just sex". there's just something in my mind that won't allow me to do that.

 

if FWB works for you - - by all means more power to you. but it simply doesn't work for me. i don't think that someone who can handle FWB is mentally unstable though. some people can separate the act from the feelings and others can't. it doesn't make one person "better" than the other it just means they have a different mindset. i actually wish i could do a FWB without getting attached - - self-pleasing gets mighty tedious after awhile

[angielove]

Hahahahaha! I love the posts like "Ooohhh nooo, don't do that. Guys won't like you if you sleep around". I say if you want to have casual sex numerous times with numerous people, then do it! Don't hold back and deny yourself just because a few random people on the internet think it's "wrong".

[anned80]

A few things:

 

1) I just turned 30. Sorry that I said I was in my late 20s. Geez.

 

2) Yes, I did date this lawyer guy. And I don't have feelings for him currently other than wanting to have sex with him all the time. The sex is great. That's pretty much all there is to it. In terms of finding the stuff online, after reevaluating with friends I blew all of that out of proportion... we all came to the conclusion that he actually was not using me. Although some of his posts were crass, the entire forum is a bunch of guys just ****ing around. All of his posts about me were actually pretty flattering. I think I was more upset that I could see he was dating other people. I'm not on some power trip. Get a grip. The sex with him is amazing. We will never have a relationship. I don't have any kind of weird thoughts about that. I have made it more clear to him that it wont happen then he has to me. This is one of the reasons we have ZERO contact in between. So, no, people have this all wrong. I'm just telling you if you had sex this great, you would want to keep doing it too. It's amazing. And we are comfortable with one another. I'm having a lot of fun and no I don't feel that it is one sided. If I felt that way I wouldnt be doing it.

 

3) He is on vacation in another state which we talked about last time we were together so I thought he might be away - it would be a little hard to meet when we aren't even in the same place. We will meet later this week. What was he supposed to do? Fly back that night just to have sex - ha? He contacted me first and now I felt like it was my turn to contact and then he will contact me next time.

 

And I can't say this enough - I DONT WANT A RELATIONSHIP. This is a fairly new development. I thought for a while that is what I did want and then recently dated a guy who DID want a relationship and it became very clear to me that is not where my head was so I've completely changed my dating approach. I dont think I should be critized and analyzed because I thought I wanted a relationship and now I dont. I dont think this means I need a therapist. It means that I actually have figured out what I want at the moment. I am recently divorced, I should not be in a relationship with anyone. My emotional capacity to do so is very limited. FWB is about all I can handle at the moment. I've started to enjoy dating much more now that I'm not putting myself in "relationship" zone. I specifically tell people that I am casually dating - any adult should know what that means. It means you are seeing more than one person. It means you dont have committments. Give me a break. You people are living under a rock.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Okay, back to your original question:

 

I think if rules have been established in any type of relationship, it's best if they are respected. If you two agreed to get together for NSA sex "every few weeks," I don't think you should "booty call" him now. Though I think you already have. If you want to change the "rules," I think that properly could be discussed next time you get together.

 

Whether you have any interest in him beyond rolling around for fun, being rejected even on that level alone feels bad. Don't set yourself up.

 

Personally, I don't think it's "wrong" to have more than one sexual relationship going on simultaneously ... it would not work for me, but I am not going to attach a value judgment on it for you.

 

BUT - I do NOT believe, either, that you can change your entire orientation towards sex / relationships in the course of a week or two. Also, I do not believe that such a change can take place in a healthy and whole way if it's in response to the actions of another person. In this case, you met him, you liked him, sex was great - he was not interested in more than infrequent casual sex - and now that's what YOU'RE interested in, too.

 

There are certain men and women who are easily capable of just enjoying sex with others. You have not presented yourself as one of those types until just recently, and you've only been posting here for about a month. Have you turned into a different person suddenly?

[Jannah]

OP based on that link, it paints things in a much different light...

 

Realizing that you are a grown adult and are free to do as you please, without the approval from anyone, I hope you take serious introspect into the situation you are considering placing yourself in...

 

You met a man you liked. You dated for a short while, were physically intimate, and developed some feelings towards him. He in turn, did not feel the same....You've since agreed to have a NSA relationship with him, but given the "NSA" seems to be on his watch, you are considering finding someone else to fill the gap in-between. Maybe you no longer have the same type of romantic feelings towards him as you initially did, but, there is still a level of rejection present (i.e. him telling you he did not want an exclusive relationship).

 

IF you can remain emotionally detached from him and proceed to remain emotionally detached with someone else AT the same time, have sex with both of them and remain emotionally detached, then I suppose the situation is right for you...

 

So, do you think the situation is still right for you at this time?

[EasyHeart]

OP is a big girl and can make up her own mind about what is best for her. I think the better term for what she's doing is "rebounding". Nothing wrong with that (as long as she stays away from me! ).

 

The most interesting thing in this thread is that there's an ENTJ Forum. Why has no one told me about this before?!?!?

[musemaj11]

He is already putting you off when you asked for sex today (umm most men dont do that).

You are assuming all men are desperate for sex at all times.

 

Many men have got laid so many times that sex is no longer a priority in their minds.

 

And many men also do not have high sex drive.

 

But my guess is this guy is in the former group.

[northern_sky]

Anne, reading your posts on that other forum, I feel even more strongly that you are in denial about truly wanting a FWB with this guy. There are some rare women who can handle that arrangement, but I find it extremely dubious that your attitude flipped on it within a few days.

 

This guy was a pig to you. He lied about whether he was sleeping with other women while he was seeing you. Isn't that enough to make you totally repulsed by him? How could you want to get naked with this guy? The normal reaction to this revelation would be to tell him to fck off. Instead you reacted by agreeing to have NSA sex with him whenever he feels like it.

 

Maybe hearing it from us won't help, but I suspect you will realize eventually on your own that you are selling yourself short.

[Girlygirl1977]

You are assuming all men are desperate for sex at all times.

 

Many men have got laid so many times that sex is no longer a priority in their minds.

 

And many men also do not have high sex drive.

 

But my guess is this guy is in the former group.

 

 

Ah sorry i read her thread in the ENTJ forum and sounds like this guy likes sex a lot even though he seems to be getting laid a lot! But your comments are fair as I didn't add those insights into my post.

 

Also my fundamental issue here is this woman was essentially rejected by this guy (even with the great sex) and she is ok accepting a FWB relationship. Doesn't that just feel bad? The guy rejected you when you wanted more and you will still F him? I dont know but my ego really must just work differently. . .couldn't do it!

 

Also if you want an FWB do it on your terms esp given the background here - sounds wrong! He wants it every few wks and you want it more. . .don't accept less (after all you already accepting less by being FWB). Hey if you are doing it - do it well! LOL

[OceanGirl]

Anne, reading your posts on that other forum, I feel even more strongly that you are in denial about truly wanting a FWB with this guy. There are some rare women who can handle that arrangement, but I find it extremely dubious that your attitude flipped on it within a few days.

 

This guy was a pig to you. He lied about whether he was sleeping with other women while he was seeing you. Isn't that enough to make you totally repulsed by him? How could you want to get naked with this guy? The normal reaction to this revelation would be to tell him to fck off. Instead you reacted by agreeing to have NSA sex with him whenever he feels like it.

 

Maybe hearing it from us won't help, but I suspect you will realize eventually on your own that you are selling yourself short.

 

100% agreed. I suspect that you are still lying to yourself anne. What this guy did to you is inexcusable. He completely led you on and led you to think that he is after a relationship when he was only after quick f%^7. Asking if divorced women are DTF (down to f&**) is just :sick:

 

If you truly want FWB, start with someone you had no prior feelings for.

[musemaj11]

Ah sorry i read her thread in the ENTJ forum and sounds like this guy likes sex a lot even though he seems to be getting laid a lot! But your comments are fair as I didn't add those insights into my post.

 

Also my fundamental issue here is this woman was essentially rejected by this guy (even with the great sex) and she is ok accepting a FWB relationship. Doesn't that just feel bad? The guy rejected you when you wanted more and you will still F him? I dont know but my ego really must just work differently. . .couldn't do it!

 

Also if you want an FWB do it on your terms esp given the background here - sounds wrong! He wants it every few wks and you want it more. . .don't accept less (after all you already accepting less by being FWB). Hey if you are doing it - do it well! LOL

Yeah, I think women who say they want FWB relationship are lying. Women cant do FWB. Its just a fact.

[northern_sky]

Yeah, I think women who say they want FWB relationship are lying. Women cant do FWB. Its just a fact.

 

I dunno. I've encountered a few who could. I kind of envy them in a way. It must be nice to be able to compartmentalize like a man.

[Star Gazer]

I dunno. I've encountered a few who could. I kind of envy them in a way. It must be nice to be able to compartmentalize like a man.

 

I dunno. I think they're just really good at lying to themselves.