Too Soon for Booty Call?

[TaurusTerp]

That's what she says. But she also says if she meets someone she wants a relationship with, she'll discontinue the FWBs. I don't think she can have it both ways under these circumstances.

 

How would you feel if you were dating her with a LTR in mind and found out she'd been having sex with two dudes while she decided if she wanted to date you exclusively?

 

As Hokie said, she'll only get what she offers - if she's honest. If she's offering up casual sex, that's what she'll get. If she's offering up casual sex, a LTR with someone other than her casual sex partners, assuming she's being honest about her casual sex partners, is highly unlikely.

 

If we would be exclusive and she would stop seeing the other guys, I honestly can't see why not. I'm not looking for a virginal princess. If you want to use this logic, shouldn't you reveal how many guys (and girls ) you've been with in the past? If your number is too high, we wouldn't share the same values, after all, and you should be dumped immediately, no?

[Jannah]

 

I agree. And I had briefly asked earlier in this thread whether a person in OP's situation should mention the other sexual partners to a new partner (1) up front or (2) right before the line is about to be crossed or (3) after the line is crossed or (4) never...

 

Well, she could say it from the onset, that she is currently dating multiple people casually.

 

Or, option 2 (though, maybe not right before doing "it").

 

This is why dating is difficult. It's no wonder I avoided it for most of my entire adult life and remained in a LTR.

[Distant78]

This is why dating is difficult. It's no wonder I avoided it for most of my entire adult life and remained in a LTR.

 

Agreed.

[Star Gazer]

If we would be exclusive and she would stop seeing the other guys, I honestly can't see why not. I'm not looking for a virginal princess. If you want to use this logic, shouldn't you reveal how many guys (and girls ) you've been with in the past? If your number is too high, we wouldn't share the same values, after all, and you should be dumped immediately, no?

 

Who I had sex with before beginning to date someone is quite different than who I'm having sex with WHILE dating someone.

 

If you can't see that very important difference, I don't see why we're talking about this.

[USMCHokie]

\Or, option 2 (though, maybe not right before doing "it").

 

Hahah, that would be quite the awkward conversation pre-coitus... :laugh:

[Jannah]

Agreed.

 

Shield me shield me from this nonsense! :lmao:

[TaurusTerp]

Who I had sex with before beginning to date someone is quite different than who I'm having sex with WHILE dating someone.

 

If you can't see that very important difference, I don't see why we're talking about this.

 

I really don't. Please enlighten me. I really can't see a difference that matters.

[Star Gazer]

This is disturbing to me. Was it the guy who felt like he had sex with you too soon and pulled out or the lawyer? I guess I find it disturbing, because I know you had feelings about both of them, at least the former guy, and now it seems like you are convincing yourself you're OK with a bastardized version of what you were hoping for.

 

I didn't know this information. This is important. It contradicts the whole "I'm just looking for fun" thing. She does want more, like most women who enter sexual relationships.

[Jannah]

Hahah, that would be quite the awkward conversation pre-coitus... :laugh:

 

Most certainly. Awkward indeed!

[welikeincrowds]

You know, I seriously don't even know what to think anymore. There are just so many ways to behave yourself. Sex is so controversial but I can't reconcile that it must be. It's just like eating or ****ting except that you need two people to do it.

 

OK, I generally don't like to use LS this way, but I'm going to work through this one so I can better understand it.

 

Personally, I need to catch feelings for the sex to be any good for me. I see (sexual) relationships as a process of tearing down walls, and however slowly that process goes, still, I always want it to go. For this reason I cannot agree with a FWB, as it is a relationship that has walls in place, which are boundaries I would not find comforting in a sexual relationship. I can see succumbing to lust and a 1ns, so I guess in this view FWB would be like trying to put lust on life support. If I dated someone who had a FWB I would think that they don't see sex and intimacy the same way I do; I could be wrong, yet it might take a while for me to figure that out for certain, and meanwhile I'd be catching feelings because I want to -- so having a FWB would be a decent flag to go by, and therefore that makes it a dealbreaker. And therefore it's something I think I should know when I ask "So are you seeing anyone else right now?"

 

Aiight cool, I have an opinion.

 

It's weird, because I've known people with FWBs who were sensitive and passionate and absolutely discredit the reasoning I just came up with. But if I keep thinking about it, they were also emotionally unstable, and not fit for a relationship (which is why they were having FWB I guess). I don't know if they knew how to love. It's just not a good sign if you're looking to find a relationship while having a FWB. The mindsets of the two approaches seem at odds with each other, so how could that person not be significantly conflicted?

[Star Gazer]

It's weird, because I've known people with FWBs who were sensitive and passionate and absolutely discredit the reasoning I just came up with. But if I keep thinking about it, they were also emotionally unstable, and not fit for a relationship (which is why they were having FWB I guess). I don't know if they knew how to love. It's just not a good sign if you're looking to find a relationship while having a FWB. The mindsets of the two approaches seem at odds with each other, so how could that person not be significantly conflicted?

 

You hit the nail on the head, once again.

[Jannah]

It's weird, because I've known people with FWBs who were sensitive and passionate and absolutely discredit the reasoning I just came up with. But if I keep thinking about it, they were also emotionally unstable, and not fit for a relationship (which is why they were having FWB I guess). I don't know if they knew how to love. It's just not a good sign if you're looking to find a relationship while having a FWB. The mindsets of the two approaches seem at odds with each other, so how could that person not be significantly conflicted?

 

But OP said she's not looking for a relationship, right now. That doesn't mean she's not open to one, down the road. But for now, it is not her number one priority.

 

She just came out of a marriage seven months ago... Your statement that someone who has a FWB "does not know how to love", not sure I agree...

 

IF the majority of her dating life, involved casual dating, FWB's or whichever back-to-back, then and only then, would you possibly have a point in relation to that statement.

 

Grouping the OP in a category as not being able to love, isn't accurate nor a fair assessment, unless we know her (and everyone else for that matter) entire dating history.

[Star Gazer]

Grouping the OP in a category as not being able to love, isn't accurate nor a fair assessment, unless we know her (and everyone else for that matter) entire dating history.

 

He hasn't said anything about the OP.

[welikeincrowds]

You hit the nail on the head, once again.

 

Ha, yeah. I see what you bolded and I really want to make sure I'm expressing the nuance of my (newly formed) opinion. An important part of it is this:

 

Sex is so controversial but I can't reconcile that it must be. It's just like eating or ****ting except that you need two people to do it.

 

And my argument can't be seen universally for a lot of reasons, but especially because of this, the point from which it all starts:

 

I need to catch feelings for the sex to be any good for me.

 

I am not convinced that a fulfilling sexual relationship cannot be had with a "detached" view of sex. I don't know that sex can't be a bonding process in the same way a walk through the park or a drink at the bar can be. Some people might be able to have sex like they were waxing their legs, as I think you put it. Is that person unable to become intimate in a relationship? I don't know if that's true. However I can't or don't want to have sex that way, so I know I wouldn't be compatible who can or does.

 

I certainly don't want my small collection of friends with regrettable personal issues who happened to have FWB relationships become suddenly representative of every FWB on the planet.

[Knittress]

Haha, I feel sorry for the OP. All she wanted to know was whether she'd be coming across as 'needy' by texting her booty call a bit more frequently, and so far it's been insinuated that she's a prostitute, unable to love, or both.

[Jannah]

He hasn't said anything about the OP.

 

No not directly. But it does for the subject of this thread, and opinions towards others who are currently engaged in a FWB situation...

[welikeincrowds]

She just came out of a marriage seven months ago... Your statement that someone who has a FWB "does not know how to love", not sure I agree...

.

 

Ahh, those were just the people I was thinking of, not OP, not all (or probably even most) people in FWBs. I didn't mean to imply that.

[Jannah]

Ahh, those were just the people I was thinking of, not OP, not all (or probably even most) people in FWBs. I didn't mean to imply that.

 

I realize that welike. My comment was more food for thought when viewing others, subjectively.

[Star Gazer]

Haha, I feel sorry for the OP. All she wanted to know was whether she'd be coming across as 'needy' by texting her booty call a bit more frequently, and so far it's been insinuated that she's a prostitute, unable to love, or both.

 

Eh, far worse has been said about others in this thread who didn't ask for opinions.

[welikeincrowds]

But OP said she's not looking for a relationship, right now. That doesn't mean she's not open to one, down the road. But for now, it is not her number one priority.

 

OK, that is certainly different. However, I had another thought, consider this one will you?

 

It's just like eating or ****ting except that you need two people to do it.

 

It just occurred to me that this is wrong. People can sate their raw sexual needs by themselves just fine. So it has to be a desire for something other than simple orgasm. Right?

 

Maybe not. Maybe it's just a better orgasm? OK, so what makes a better orgasm? (I'm trying to stay away from considerations of "love" since that's what a FWB is meant to preclude, right?)

 

So I guess to accomplish this, we say that sex is a performance, and you get a better reward if your performance is good with another, rather than physically mimicking/imagining a partner by yourself. OK, but what are you expressing in the performance? Can that expression be purely physical, when it's also necessarily social? Mustn't there also an element that is necessarily an intimacy/connection between two people, because it requires two people at all? And if so, if those people are going to purposefully put restrictions on intimacy in the relationship, isn't that contradictory? Isn't that going to **** with the performance?

 

It's so hard to talk about this, because even with phrases like "imagining your partner", you're talking about things outside of a "purely physical" arrangement. But I think that's just a natural complication from being a conscious being. Dogs **** and dogs masturbate and who knows if they're conscious of it but they can do it so I suppose we can do it too.

 

Part of me thinks I'm just confusing myself.

[USMCHokie]

It just occurred to me that this is wrong. People can sate their raw sexual needs by themselves just fine. So it has to be a desire for something other than simple orgasm. Right?

 

External validation, perhaps...? Confirmation that we are still desirable...?

[AverageJoe]

This has to rank up there with one of the dumbest goddamn threads I have ever read.

 

 

Men: When you go out with a girl, why would you possibly assume she is not seeing anyone else? WHY! Your fragile ego cant take it?

So what if she is! Look into some Advantix.

 

Women: Wow. A couple of you are just off the charts. The moral wrong doings thrown around so far are incredible. Whether you like to think so or not, your vagina is not that valuable, it is not golden! We (us men) owe you nothing.

[Jannah]

OK, that is certainly different. However, I had another thought, consider this one will you?

 

 

 

It just occurred to me that this is wrong. People can sate their raw sexual needs by themselves just fine. So it has to be a desire for something other than simple orgasm. Right?

 

Maybe not. Maybe it's just a better orgasm? OK, so what makes a better orgasm? (I'm trying to stay away from considerations of "love" since that's what a FWB is meant to preclude, right?)

 

So I guess to accomplish this, we say that sex is a performance, and you get a better reward if your performance is good with another, rather than physically mimicking/imagining a partner by yourself. OK, but what are you expressing in the performance? Can that expression be purely physical, when it's also necessarily social? Mustn't there also an element that is necessarily an intimacy/connection between two people, because it requires two people at all? And if so, if those people are going to purposefully put restrictions on intimacy in the relationship, isn't that contradictory? Isn't that going to **** with the performance?

 

It's so hard to talk about this, because even with phrases like "imagining your partner", you're talking about things outside of a "purely physical" arrangement. But I think that's just a natural complication from being a conscious being. Dogs **** and dogs masturbate and who knows if they're conscious of it but they can do it so I suppose we can do it too.

 

Part of me thinks I'm just confusing myself.

 

Yes, this post totally confused me as well. But, I think I know where you're going with it.

 

With regard to the big O, some women can have one, with no emotional connection involved. Some women, can only have an O, WITH an emotional connection...

 

That's not to say a person can't have sex from a purely physical standpoint, it's just not as fulfilling, many people find it empty and hollow.

 

A good portion of men have sex all the time, without the need of an emotional connection, and can still have an O. Go figure.

[anned80]

I feel like I need to chime in again because people are not completely understanding.

 

1) I am not looking for a serious relationship. This is clearly stated on my online profile. I say that I'm looking to have fun and do not want anything serious. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP!

 

2) If I was to go on more than one date (doesn't happen often) with a person and decide that they have potential I would stop things with FWB but that has not happened yet.

 

3) That is absurd to think that I should tell someone that I have a FWB on the first date! I've already disclosed that I don't want a serious relationship and I want to have fun. I'm pretty sure most men know what that means. There actually have been instances where it has come up and I'm honest about it but on a FIRST date - no way. If someone tells you they are "casually dating" you should know that means they are seeing other people and potentially having sex. What if you went on 2-3 dates with someone but were NOT exclusive and then one weekend when out and got drunk with friends and had a one night stand? Would you tell the person you had 2-3 dates with? No, you probably wouldnt because you are not a couple. And its something that happened one time. You aren't cheating.

 

4) In terms of intimacy and sex... this is actual my whole point in having FWB. The person I am currently sleeping with is someone I dated. Neither one of us are into picking up people at bars or sleeping around. We both really enjoy sex and although have determined that we wouldnt be compatible long term, we do have amazing chemistry, are comfortable with each other and enjoy one another's company. Normally the evening stars out at a bar or having wine and talking and then leads to basically all night sex. So, there is attraction and there is chemistry -- I don't let myself go there mentally though with making it anymore than what it is. I wouldnt be able to have sex in the first place with him if there was not a strong attraction. I mean, we are talking animal magnetism. It's basically like nothing Ive ever experiences. It is made clear we are not dating, we do not talk inbetween and basically when we do set up arrangements talk is strictly about sex/foreplay, etc. I would have LESS of a time enjoying sex if I was trying to randomly go out and pick up people. I enjoy this because we are VERY sexually compatiable, the sex is amazing and passionate and we both really enjoy it. It's by far the best sex I've ever had and he has said the same thing. The entire arrangement is mutal and respectful. It's not just wham, bam, bye. We thank one another and say goodbye and are courtesous and respectful. Both he and I are at the same place in terms of dating - we both casually date and are aware of what the other person is doing. For instance, he met someone last weekend that he said he thinks might have potential but they have not been intimate yet. For me, I was started to see someone a few weeks ago and let him know that if things continued with this guy, we would need to stop. I didn't see FWB while I was seeing this guy becaue I thought it might go somewhere but it did not.

 

So yeah, there is a connection on some level. I could get off on my own if I wanted to and I do but it's nice to have the company of someone else and to play and be comfortable and play out fantasies. It's been a lot of fun.

 

5) In terms of safety. I'm always safe. That is one of the "rules". And I'm comfortable with this guy and we are open with each other. Sure, he could be lying but so could any other person you are actually dating. Someone mentioned kissing people, etc. I mean, come on, really? Even if you aren't doing that with multiple people after you date someone you are going to kiss the next person you date so what is the difference. What am I supposed to screen each date I have? Really? I probably go on three dates a week and maybe two of those might end with a kiss. Am I suppoesd to screen people?

 

6) I never said I was definitely going to get ANOTHER partner. It was something I casually mentioned and that is basically what this entire post has been about. I have a feeling we will probably fall into having sex more frequently then once every 3 weeks. It's only been 9 days since the last time and we are meeting on Tuesday so I can handle waiting that amount of time.

 

7) Am I able to love? Sure. Do I want to love right now? No, not really. I don't want to have to answer phone calls and texts and figure out my weekend plans in advance and be required to email and follow-up. I don't want a relationship. I'm up front with where I am emotionally. I can't really give much right now, hence why I do not want a relationship. If a man says to me "I am casually dating" - I know this means he is seeing other people and it's very likely he is sleeping with someone. If things were ever moving toward intimate I would ASK him what was going on but that's not something you bring up on a first date.

 

8) No one here knows me. Im not promiscous (have only had 2 partners in the past 7 months). I live in a large city, I have a very good/respectable job, I'm very classy and put together. I'm a lady. Who you may picture in your head is probably the opposite of who I actually am. Just because I enjoy sex and know that I enjoy sex and I'm able to go after that doesn't mean I'm a horrible person or a slutty person or incapable of love. I know what I want and I'm honest about it. I feel very empowered right now in my life. To me, men do this all the time. They have sex without love. I feel like I can do that too. Trust me, the sex is amazing - if you were having sex this great, you might think differently. And for the record, if I wasn't having an orgasm, the FWB wouldn't be happening. We are both into pleasing each other. The sex is extremely mutual - it's fun. I wouldn't be doing it if I felt like it was one sided somehow - we are using each other equally.

[johan]

Anne, I think it's important for you to clarify whether you actually want a serious relationship. And if you met someone you thought was worth having a serious relationship, would you cut things of with this guy you're sleeping with? Also if you were on a first date, I hope you wouldn't just spring this on the guy. You should wait and tell him when you see there is potential. You should only sleep with this guy if you enjoy the intimacy and are sexually compatible. Just be safe. You should be clear with us regarding your intent to get another partner. I suspect it's just something you mentioned as a thought, and probably wouldn't do it. I get the impression you're able to love though, and that's important. You don't want to just have shallow relationships all your life. Just don't be promiscuous. Have some class.