anned80 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 So as mentioned in previous threads I now have a FWB relationship with someone I was dating. This is strictly sex (we are no longer dating). We established several "rules" - always protected, no contact in between and contact "every few weeks." Last time we hooked up was last Friday (12/17). I am feeling like I would REALLY like to see him tonight. Too soon? I'm enjoying the whole no strings attached thing - it's my first time with this kind of arrangement and I don't want to mess it up by contacting too much. I'm actually considering taking on another casual sex partner so I can switch off weeks. I'm not into random hook-up or having racking up my sex partners. I've enjoyed this because it is comfortable and we had already had sex anyway. I'm sure I could go out to the bar or sleep with every first date but that's unappealing to me. So... to text or not to text... that is the question!
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 We established several "rules" - always protected, no contact in between and contact "every few weeks." Last time we hooked up was last Friday (12/17). I am feeling like I would REALLY like to see him tonight. Is 9 days "a few weeks"? You set the rules, now you want to break them? I'm actually considering taking on another casual sex partner so I can switch off weeks. I'm hoping that means you won't be sexing your current FWB again...?
Author anned80 Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 I actually did not set the "once every few weeks" rule. That was somethiing he wrote in an email. I would be fine with once a week. That's kind of why I was asking what people thought - if it was too soon. Apparently, he has had an arrangement like this before and he thinks that's a good rule to follow. I think he is worried about us developing an emotional attachment - I seriously just want to have sex! We are not dating. I think if both casual sex partners know there is another person and everything is always protected then I don't think there would be wrong with having more than one. If everyone is aware of everyone else.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 We are not dating. I think if both casual sex partners know there is another person and everything is always protected then I don't think there would be wrong with having more than one. If everyone is aware of everyone else. But who would want that? It gives me the heebie jeebies.
Knittress Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I'm of no help. I don't understand the FWB dynamic at all. In fact, I tried it and I think we've somehow slipped into casual dating since neither of us seems to want to go an entire week without. I would be texting, whether or not this is a good idea...
Author anned80 Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 @Sarah - so what do you think? I guess I could always just text and he could say "not tonight"? I kind of feel like that's the point anyway. The sex is just REALLY good so I would really like for this to continue! I dont really want him to go elsewhere because the sex is AMAZING. As much as I love sex I'm basically incapable of having a one night stand or just picking someone up at a bar - THAT grosses me out. I need to feel comfortable with the person. I see your point stargazer to a certain extent. But, in a way it's not different from dating someone, sleeping with them, breaking up and then doing the same thing with someone else, right? I'm just seeing them both at the same time. If I was dating these men, that would be a different story. If I got involved in a relationship I would not have a FWB, ever. Right now I'm just completely focused on sex at this point. Knittress - we definitely are not going to be dating. We are seeing other people. It was made very clear this was strictly sex. I think he is probably worried. He specfically said that he didn't want things to get "complicated." I figure if I feel like I'm starting to develop feeling at some point then I would end it but right now I've been fine and able to dettach myself.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 (edited) I see your point stargazer to a certain extent. But, in a way it's not different from dating someone, sleeping with them, breaking up and then doing the same thing with someone else, right? I'm just seeing them both at the same time. No, it's not the same thing, because of the bolded statement. It's very, very different. You're not sexing one guy, ending it, and then moving on to another. You're having sex with multiple guys at the same time. I honestly don't know any unpaid person who would enjoy that. Even if it's protected sex with a condom, it's not a guarantee. You can still catch herpes and HPV, and what about oral sex?? Edited December 26, 2010 by Star Gazer
Knittress Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 "I don't know any unpaid person who would enjoy that," is way too harsh. Nothing wrong with someone getting their freak on, even if it isn't your style. Yeah, maybe that lifestyle ups your chances of getting something, but you can get herpes and HPV by being sexually conservative as well - I've seen it.
Author anned80 Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 StarGazer - that can also happen if you are having sex with one person at a time too. I also find you to be extremely rude. I was asking for advice on one thing and now you are comparing me to a sex worker? Really? You don't even know me in real life. I would watch the way you say things. Sarah - this is my first time with this kind of arrangement so it's all new to me. At the time of the first email I didn't really think anything of it thinking that every other week would be okay with me. Clearly after 9 days... perhaps not.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 "I don't know any unpaid person who would enjoy that," is way too harsh. Nothing wrong with someone getting their freak on, even if it isn't your style. It's how I feel. I don't know any unpaid woman who enjoys having casual sex with multiple people, and wouldn't mind if their partners were having sex with multiple people as well. It just makes me go . Yeah, maybe that lifestyle ups your chances of getting something, but you can get herpes and HPV by being sexually conservative as well - I've seen it. I am fully aware of this. However, if someone is thinking multiple sex partners (who themselves would have multiple sex partners) is A-okay because it's protected, they're fooling themselves.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 StarGazer - that can also happen if you are having sex with one person at a time too. I also find you to be extremely rude. I was asking for advice on one thing and now you are comparing me to a sex worker? Really? You don't even know me in real life. I would watch the way you say things. I'm sorry if I offended you, but it's the way I feel. I find your thought patterns and behavior in this regard (in the nicest words possible) to be incredibly unattractive in several ways. And again, I'm aware that you can catch STDs while protected even from just one partner. If you are too, then I'm surprised you're willing to exponentially increase your risks by having multiple sex partners (who themselves would have multiple sex partners).
Knittress Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 It's how I feel. I don't know any unpaid woman who enjoys having casual sex with multiple people, and wouldn't mind if their partners were having sex with multiple people as well. Maybe you've just got boring friends? LOL. I kid. Mostly. I agree with you that the majority of women feel the same way you do the majority of their dating years, but you're painting us all with a wide brush, here.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Just ignore it. I don't know if you picked up on this, but there are quite a few mean spirited people on here. Don't let it get you down. It's not you. It's them. Not mean spirited. Just telling the truth. *shrug*
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Maybe you've just got boring friends? LOL. I kid. Mostly. I agree with you that the majority of women feel the same way you do the majority of their dating years, but you're painting us all with a wide brush, here. I know you were joking, but I assure you I neither have boring friends nor am I a prude myself. But I don't share my vagina with random men. Do you have sex with multiple men at the same time, who are in turn having sex with multiple women at the same time? Would you really be okay with that? Besides the OP, I'm honestly curious who would. And do you think most men would be interested in dating a women who was engaging in that sort of sexual behavior? Really? I'd be surprised if a ton of women enjoyed this behavior, and that a ton of men would have no problem dating such a woman. But I'll eat my words if I'm wrong. *shrug*
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 The truth how you see it. Not everyone shares your narrow, judgmental world view. Further, the fact that you personally find her unattractive is irrelevent unless she's trying to screw you. Which she is not. So the only reason to say such a thing is to be hurtful and rude. And for what? Because she doesn't share your opinions about sex. That's childish and nasty. You don't seem like a very happy person to me. Happy people don't constantly lash out at people for no reason whatsoever. There was no "lashing out." There was a statement of an opinion. Thinking a behavior is gross does not make me an unhappy person. Am I supposed to live in a world of sunshine and roses and think everyone is fabulous and wonderful and they can do no wrong, just because I'm happy? Nope. I can still identify things that aren't right when they're right in front of me. And you live in a really big glass house, Sarah. Really.
Author anned80 Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 StarGazer - let's just call a truce on this. We clearly are not going to agree. I completely see your point and am I being 100% safe - no. The only way to do that is to not have sex at all. I get tested regularly and have these conversations with the pepole I have been with. As I also said, I'm not going out and just sleeping with everyone. That is kind of the whole point of FWB - I'm getting my needs met but I'm not having to sleep with a different person every week to do that. I haven't decide about having another sex partner. It's something I am considering and in my opinion if all parties involved are aware of this then they can make their own decisions about how they want to handle their bodies.
Author anned80 Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Um, trust me StarGazer - there are lots of men who are fine with casual sex and are fine if you and they are having sex with other people. BUT back to my actual initial question... I think I'm just going to go ahead and text. A girl has needs and I'm off work tomorrow so... sound like a perfect night for some fun to me!
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 StarGazer - let's just call a truce on this. We clearly are not going to agree. I completely see your point and am I being 100% safe - no. The only way to do that is to not have sex at all. I get tested regularly and have these conversations with the pepole I have been with. As I also said, I'm not going out and just sleeping with everyone. That is kind of the whole point of FWB - I'm getting my needs met but I'm not having to sleep with a different person every week to do that. I haven't decide about having another sex partner. It's something I am considering and in my opinion if all parties involved are aware of this then they can make their own decisions about how they want to handle their bodies. There's no truce to call because I'm not mad at you! It's great that YOU are being safe. But in having multiple sex partners, you have to allow your multiple partners to themselves have multiple sex partners too, right? So you have to rely on the fact that your partners are being safe, and that the people your partners are having sex with are being safe, and that your partners' partners' partners' are being safe...and on, and on, and on. How can you know? You just can't. I understand FWB arrangements. I do. Having been there, I learned they're just not for me. But multiple FWBs at the same time? Is casual sex with MULTIPLE people really worth that risk? If your current FWB can't meet your needs, find another ONE who will. That's all I'm saying.
EasyHeart Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I think a lot of this "FWB" nonsense that women get involved with stems from women's inordinate need to label every aspect of a relationship. Men tend to date, marry or break up. Women seem to have LOTS of other categories of relationships. I guarantee the guy in this scenario is not over-thinking it.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I think a lot of this "FWB" nonsense that women get involved with stems from women's inordinate need to label every aspect of a relationship. Ha, that could be true. I've received several PMs in the past 15 minutes thanking me for my comments in this thread. One discussion brought up a good point. It seems like a lot like sexual relationships for some women these days are like getting your legs waxed or something, just another thing to check off the list. This seems to be more so for women who are coming out of long-term, sexless marriages. Maybe it's a sort of sowing of the oats...?
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Woah, woah, woah. Hold the phone! Where is the word "hate" coming from??? That is not being said or in any way implied! I received comments thanking me for speaking up against multiple-FWB behavior, that's all. To twist that into some sort of hate agenda is really...odd. :eek:
EasyHeart Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Ha, that could be true. I've received several PMs in the past 15 minutes thanking me for my comments in this thread. One discussion brought up a good point. It seems like a lot like sexual relationships for some women these days are like getting your legs waxed or something, just another thing to check off the list. This seems to be more so for women who are coming out of long-term, sexless marriages. Maybe it's a sort of sowing of the oats...?Divorced men do the same thing. That's why single people know to stay far, far away from divorced people until they've been divorced for a few years.
northern_sky Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 So as mentioned in previous threads I now have a FWB relationship with someone I was dating. This is strictly sex (we are no longer dating). We established several "rules" - always protected, no contact in between and contact "every few weeks." Last time we hooked up was last Friday (12/17). I am feeling like I would REALLY like to see him tonight. Too soon? I'm enjoying the whole no strings attached thing - it's my first time with this kind of arrangement and I don't want to mess it up by contacting too much. I'm actually considering taking on another casual sex partner so I can switch off weeks. I'm not into random hook-up or having racking up my sex partners. I've enjoyed this because it is comfortable and we had already had sex anyway. I'm sure I could go out to the bar or sleep with every first date but that's unappealing to me. So... to text or not to text... that is the question! This is disturbing to me. Was it the guy who felt like he had sex with you too soon and pulled out or the lawyer? I guess I find it disturbing, because I know you had feelings about both of them, at least the former guy, and now it seems like you are convincing yourself you're OK with a bastardized version of what you were hoping for. It sounds like he is setting all the rules, not you. He wants to have sex once every few weeks, but you would like it more often. Why are you agreeing to this? If you're going to do a FWB thing, you should at least agree 100% on the terms. I had something similar that I ended a few weeks ago, except it was with a guy I had feelings for. He wasn't looking for a relationship, I was, but I convinced myself I could "casually" date him. Unfortunately, he only wanted to see me like 3 times a month, which didn't do it for me. So I was left feeling unsatisfied both emotionally and physically. True FWBs work best, imo, when rules aren't set (aside from being exclusive, let's say). You can basically ring the person up whenever, you can contact them between meetings. You don't feel this anxiety about whether it's OK to reach out or not. The whole point is that it's stress free and relaxed. I had a FWB like this many years ago, and it worked out well. I never obsessed about whether I was doing the right thing or would push the person away.
Knittress Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Were the PMs from the sexually-inexperienced-and-threatened male segment of LS? 'Cause... eh. Haha, I never thought I'd be up to bat for Team Promiscuous, but I find judgmental attitudes way more of a turn-off than sleeping around.
Star Gazer Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Divorced men do the same thing. That's why single people know to stay far, far away from divorced people until they've been divorced for a few years. Oh, I completely agree that it goes both ways.
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