Dealing with the fear that I'll never feel this way about another.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't think I'll ever feel this deeply for anyone ever again.

 

My story is one of love found, lost, found, then lost again.....perhaps to be found again.

 

I fear that I will never feel what I feel for her for anyone else. Before I met her I thought I knew what love was, she taught me I did not. After we broke up and NC'd the last time I thought I would just move on and find similar feelings again, I have not.

 

I have had people come into my life and cheer it up wonderful people.

 

However a word from her, her little actions or inactions do more for me than any of those wonderful people did. I wish I did not feel this way about someone. I wish I had never known this kind of love.

 

Now I am left here to decipher if her keeping communication channels open to me, when her family hasn't, means she has some interest in me. While I know it does not mean she'd drop mr right now at the drop of a hat... it has to mean something. Otherwise it is a cruel, cold turn away.

[ohno89]

Try not to worry yourself about that too much MrLonely...I'm sure the majority of us on here feel like that about an ex, and trust me, despite my ex not exactly being perfect on paper, I know I certainly feel that way about him a lot of the time...

 

Losing your first true love is always difficult and it's normal to feel that you may not truly ever recover from the heart-break but just because it was your first true love, doesn't necessarily mean it was the best and cetainly doesn't mean it has to be your last; only if you let it..

 

Letting go completely is the biggest and most definate step in allowing yourself to move on. Now I'm not saying you haven't tried but think about it; 'true loves', like really true loves don't come by very often; I'm not saying it's going to take you years and years to find another, but it will come by again, when you're ready and - excuse the cliche - but when it's meant to be.

 

You have to remember that, no matter how special this person and the relationship was to you..at the end of the day, and for now, it hasn't worked out. The thing that will distinguish this from your ultimate true love, is that it will last...different doesn't always mean 'not as good'...no two people are ever the same... take care.

[Mrlonelyone]

Letting go completely.

 

I did let go just like that... for three years I had absolutely no contact what so ever with this woman. For three years I did not see her, talk to her, email her, IM, or text her at all. I thought I had let go.... All it took was one look at her to bring it all back. :-(

 

The cruelest stroke was that if I had found her a month earlier she would not have been "in a relationship". I could just go at her directly. Instead all I can hope for for the forseeable future is to once again be her other man. Circling the airport so to speak. I have other options on where to land... but they are like going to Newark NJ when you want to get to JFK airport. I have met someone else who at best I could give a half hearted try at being with.

 

Knowing my luck if I did that, got someone else, got all involved, this woman would become available and I'd be in her position now.

Edited December 26, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[IfiKnewThen]

i dont know what the whole deal is with her and yourself, and i am assuming in a relationship means "not married".

 

call me crazy or a dreamer or sentimental. but i wouldnt give up. if she is not engaged or married yet....

 

i would try to talk to her or meet up with her. life is short. dont play games. and if you can ever get close enough to her (start by being a REAL friend), then tell her youre there for her if all doesnt work out with this guy.

 

 

i wish i had done that. i kept telling him nooooooooo i dont want to hear about here. (he only met her 5 months ago and now is married to her) but maybe if we spoke..maybe if i were a friend...maybe if i said i still love you...maybe maybe maybe. but you will never know if you dont try.

 

youre hurt anyway. pinning anyway...feeling lonely. so what do you really have to lose? get more involved then get hurt again. well to me at least you would have tried. again i dont know all the circumstances. but i KNOW this for flat out FACT..........TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE!

[ohno89]

Hmm..that's always a tricky thing though. I've currently just started on/off contact with my ex; he cheated on me, i didn't take him back, he continued on having a R with the girl for 6 months and has recently broken up with her and is trying to make amends with me. Totally different situation I know but here I am.....having spent my last 6 months in an awful state, I have this guy here again, wanting to sort things out..i don't know to what extent - friends or more - but I don't think I want him anymore, as anything. But then I don't mind the attention. When I'm bored. But then I remember what he did and it hurts. And I don't really have respect left for him anymore. But then I'M scared I'll never have that kinda connection with anyone else again so question if i'm throwing something important away (only in my lowest point; for the most part I am done and he doesn't deserve me) and then i miss him........

 

My point is....I wanted him when I couldn't have him and now that I can...I don't really want him anymore. I know there's a whole lotta other hurt involved in my situation to make me not wanna be with him but....do you really want to hover round while she's in a R with someone else?! And be that guy she goes running to if her R stops working but maybe only because she needs someone and you're there?

 

I get you don't want anyone else right now and I'm not even saying that it might not work out well for you in the end but......it's so typical, and so true, that if you love something, let it go...I'm not promising it will, but if it's real, it will come back to you. But who knows - like me - by then, you may not even want it anymore...

 

3 years is a long time......maybe you just need closure from it all?! I'm sorry if I'm just talking rubbish here!

[Mrlonelyone]

@IfIknewthen

 

Your probably right. I have nothing to loose so why not go for broke? The worst that can happen is that I make a fool of myself. I have taken bigger risk that that before and won this woman back.

 

I don't want to seem to be begging or pestering or annoying her. Even someone you like can annoy if they are always in your face.

 

@ohno89

 

That sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I don't know what I would do.

 

My point is....I wanted him when I couldn't have him and now that I can...I don't really want him anymore. I know there's a whole lotta other hurt involved in my situation to make me not wanna be with him but....do you really want to hover round while she's in a R with someone else?! And be that guy she goes running to if her R stops working but maybe only because she needs someone and you're there?

 

Yes, I want to win her away from him. I want her in my arms. I want her in my life. I want her and her son to be my family and to love them and care for them as I did that first year of our sons life. (For I was chased away and so rejected by her family at that time...that having African American in their family would be such a dishonor that my monthly payment would not be worth it.) That stings me the most.

 

I do not want to see another man called father by my son. As another said I need to step up and be a man. I need to assert myself and my feelings and let her choose. A man who she has grown with for 12 years, who she has comingled her DNA with, an educated man, who would do anything to take care of her well being and that of her child. Or a man she only met four months ago, been in a relationship for two months with, and really dose not know anything about other than what he wants her to know.

 

If all was logical this would be a no brainier.

[SimonSerenade]

I wish I could comment something positive on this but I'm going through this myself and even though I've met amazing people since her, Nice and caring people, The kind of people I'd be lucky to have in my life, They just don't compare to her and I just couldn't see myself with them like I did with her, Just couldn't bare touching anybody but her in any way what so ever.

 

In this situation your better off alone and not bothering with anybody else for quite some time, If somebody comes along and gives us what they gave us then great but if not then it's just one of those things we have to deal with, I'm personally staying true to my heart and if my heart says "nahhhh" then that's just that, Losing your first true love is hard but it's not the end of the world, We just gotta keep on the road were on, What else can we do? =/

[Mrlonelyone]

I wish I could comment something positive on this but I'm going through this myself and even though I've met amazing people since her, Nice and caring people, The kind of people I'd be lucky to have in my life, They just don't compare to her and I just couldn't see myself with them like I did with her, Just couldn't bare touching anybody but her in any way what so ever.

 

In this situation your better off alone and not bothering with anybody else for quite some time, If somebody comes along and gives us what they gave us then great but if not then it's just one of those things we have to deal with, I'm personally staying true to my heart and if my heart says "nahhhh" then that's just that, Losing your first true love is hard but it's not the end of the world, We just gotta keep on the road were on, What else can we do? =/

 

You and I .... I think we are at opposite ends of a dark tunnel. You are closer to the entrance and I am closer to the exit.

 

We both fell for women who have/had serious issues.... Women who did not feel worthy of the kind of love we showed them.

 

We both had children with them. Yours is a infant mine is seven.

 

We both still harbor some kind of feelings for them (Afterall as mr Paul Anka said so well Your having my baby, what a lovely way of saying how much you love me...) They choose us above any other men to carry, to term, the children of. There aren't allot of women who will do that for a given man. In 7 years mine has not done that for someone else... She gave that many years to our child and by extension to me even while I was not in her life.

 

What can I do where I am at? I am not sure. I know I want to make sure that I have a role in my sons life in the future no matter what my relationship with his mother. Her people came to our land, damm their honor code I need my child and would really like to have her too.

 

I did my time in the tunnel that's for sure.

 

What can you do? What you said your going to do. Let her go and have whatever freedom she think's she's missing out on. Eventually someday she will look up at what she has. All her GF's and party friends will be married or committed. The party will be over and she will be left to clean up. At that point you may still want her back or not.

 

You sound like a great guy, and a better father than I have been. If anyone here deserves to find someone who's twice as good as his ex, or somewhere down the road a matured saner ex, and a real second chance, it's you. It can happen. (Seen the movie a Beautiful Mind?)

[IfiKnewThen]

not sure i am understanding everything going on here. is it that.....1) you are african amercian she is not so her family didnt except you and it caused a wedge in your relationship? you and her have a son together? do you have a medical condition too? (as in a beautiful mind)

 

 

ok....i think in this day and age you can get past the whole race thing....i mean she loved and accepted you before. so its worth a try. she not married yet.

 

if you have a son together start with talking about him..his welfare.

 

if you have a medical condition Schizophrenia, thats another story and i think its best to work on your condition and just try to be the best possible dad to your son from your disadvantage point. sorry if i am a bit confused.

[Mrlonelyone]

not sure i am understanding everything going on here. is it that.....1) you are african amercian she is not so her family didnt except you and it caused a wedge in your relationship? you and her have a son together? do you have a medical condition too? (as in a beautiful mind)

 

I mentioned a beautiful mind because its a true story of someone who has mental health issues getting better, and getting second chance, decades latter.

 

We often act here as if someone has issues they never change, some of them do. It may take 20 years but they do, and sometimes people get back together.

 

To be honest the both of us had our issues to deal with. I thought we could deal together she did not. One could look at it that way.

 

ok....i think in this day and age you can get past the whole race thing....i mean she loved and accepted you before. so its worth a try. she not married yet.

 

I know. There is always hope on that level. Marriage is the only relationship worthy of sanctity. She's only been dating this dude for a couple months yet some folks act as if I should treat it like being engaged or married.

 

I have various options. I just don't want to come on too strong. I cannot drag her too me, only convince her want to walk to me of her own will.

 

As for the race issue. I have read message boards that deal specifically with the views of East Indians when it comes to African Americans (or people who are partially African American like me).

 

I don't think this family would do that... Though she would be utterly disowned. The current man she's dating is not East Indian either, at this point her family could just be happy he's not black.

 

if you have a son together start with talking about him..his welfare.

 

I can will and try to....but realize they do not acknowledge that I am the father.

 

I could force the issue by suing for paternity testing and visitation but that would humiliate her in the eyes of her community. Her parents, relatives, and many friends being first generation immigrants from Pakistan or India. They'd rather believe she was left by one of their own, rather than the truth.

 

if you have a medical condition Schizophrenia, thats another story and i think its best to work on your condition and just try to be the best possible dad to your son from your disadvantage point. sorry if i am a bit confused.

 

You are confused on that part. A Beautiful mind was just an example of people who were very in love but one of them had a mental issue. In that movie it was schizophrenia.

 

In our stories here it's being a commitment phobe, or a narcicist, having mommy or daddy issues, massive insecurity and low self esteem... If someone can surmount being schizo... and get back together then these things are small potatoes by comparison.

Edited December 26, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[IfiKnewThen]

ok you cleared that up and this indeed is a very sad story. its true a lot of the older generations can not still accept different races/mixed marriages and put that feeling off on the younger generations.

 

i can see where she would have felt pressure, confusion or questioned herself...etc. its very sad indeed. if you guys loved each other etc. some peoples love transcends what "others think". but for others...they dont want family rejection and are torn.

 

its a shame no one is accepting where the child came from...sighs

 

you are in a rough situation. only she can say ok i am going to be with you..nd risk how my parents react. she has to be strong and hope they come around. its pressure right from the start. but you are still his father...so..........

 

i wouldnt let that interfer. you should have visitation..something here. it would be good if both of you can talk to your religious leaders how to settle this matter amicably between you and for you to call a lawyer.

 

if she doesnt feel she has enough in her to just be with you or dont know if she loves you anymore or not..you do have to resign yourself to it.

 

take a step..see what if anything happens. she might be i love with this new man by now. but if that is your son...i would say keep a relationship with HIM by all means

[Mrlonelyone]

I am certainly going to try. I am going to write her a very frank email. Laying it all out there.

 

I am taking legal steps... Right now I am looking for a way to confirm what I suspect, that no one has claimed paternity... before I sue. It's not impossible for me to be wrong... she could have made with my Indo/Pakistani twin.. DNA does weird things.

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah write her good idea. guessing get you no where.

[Mrlonelyone]

I am thinking now that writing everything in an email would not be wise. I forgot my goals. I want her back. I want her to be able to fall for me again. So I need to get her to meet me sociably, and be subtle about still having strong feelings for her.

 

I just remembered that their were times when we were long distance but together....even then I sent what felt like a dozen messages and got no reply what so ever from her...Only to have her agree to meet me somewhere.

[IfiKnewThen]

well good luck to you. try until you cant anymore. at least you know you tried. a better new year ahead God willing.

[Mrlonelyone]

well good luck to you. try until you cant anymore. at least you know you tried. a better new year ahead God willing.

 

I composed a heartfelt email to her over the last many days. I accidentally hit send this afternoon when I wanted to hit save as draft. I will wait a week or two then CC it to her facebook inbox... lord knows I don't really check my good old email that often myself.

 

It will be easy to wait to do that, as I am feeling sooo much better having sent the message. I just could not stand the idea of possibly loosing her forever without having told her how I really feel.

 

I don't expect her to instantly dump the man she is "in a relationship" with. However I feel much better having said what was on my chest and sincerely hope that she will at least consider what I had to say.