In love with my professor

[chiantiii]

I am in med school, 33 years old, and and I'm in love with my professor. It seemed like we flirted a lot throughout the semester. I'm almost positive I did not misread his flirting. I went to his office twice at the end of the semester because I was really having trouble with the course. I was in there for an hour both times. I couldn't stop smiling and looking at him because I find him so irresistible. He's so funny and nice, and soft spoken. The thing is though, is that he's married (I think), but did not have any photos of his kids or wife in his office. Sometimes he looks at my chest (go figure). Here are some things that happened between us:

 

 

• i was sitting alone in the lounge one day, and he strolled in to get something to eat from the deli. he then turned around and smiled, waved his hands at me, while he said hi. then i waved back the exact same way, and said hi. it was awkward as ass, because it was more reflex-like than a real wave, and my hands just started having a life of its own while i was waiving. weird. i'll never forget it. what kind of professor waves his hands like that to a student? A nervous one perhaps?
  
• i went up to him two weeks before the end of class, and asked him about his schedule, because i had a "list of questions i have been saving to ask him." I did not follow up with him, so on the last day of class, he announced that he was available through email or "if you have a list of questions you have to ask, then stop by my office."
  
• we ran into each other like 6 times in the hallways. i never see any of my other professors, except once a year. This was starting to creep me out a little but I got over it.
  
• while he writes on the board, he pauses and turns his head back and stares at me. after he caught me staring me a few times, i started just looking at the board, even though i knew he was staring at me. i'm weird like that. he won the staring contests in class.
  
• i went to see him twice in his office - the first time, i smiled a lot at him, and giggled. he blushed crazy red, twice. twice. he laughed at my jokes and wanted to talk about himself. there was tension. we had another battle of staring contests. the visit lasted an hour, but it felt like 5 minutes. i hurried out of there. he then said "well, email me or come visit me in the office..." i abruptly left. the second visit was like 55 minutes, and he laughed some more at my sarcasm, and then we stared into each other. it was intense, but i left in a hurry again.
  
• i saw him the deli 3 or 4 times throughout the semester. I am always there at a certain time due to my class schedule.
  
• i saw him in the hallway once when we were completely alone. we awkwardly said hello. i wanted to cry.
  
• he likes to write on his legal pad, but pauses every 3-5 seconds and looks at you (or he does to me). but it's too intense for me. i always pretended to be staring at his writing.
  
• he stares at me in class, but that doesn't really count bc he stares at everyone in class.
  
• i sent him a christmas card that said: " P.S. - want to meet for coffee sometime?" (this is where i'm at now).
  

He has not replied yet. I really really want him to either a) reply in an email and tell me that he is flattered but will have to decline my offer b/c of the fact that he was my professor and (maybe) married; OR b) text me and ask me when we should meet up.

 

He does not seem like the type to just not reply or respond to a sweet Christmas card. He's soooo nice and polite, and very understanding. He always emailed me back so quickly and it just seems unlike him (or what I know of him) to not email me and tell me something. Just a thanks for the card.

 

Does this mean he's not interested? But if not, then being 48, wouldn't he have just laughed it off (the coffee date) and emailed me and told me "no thanks, have a nice semester?"

 

One more thing, grades have not been turned in yet. I don't even think the finals have been graded. But class is officially over, and has been for weeks. Is this the reason for the lack of response? He has my phone number b/c my number is in my outgoing signature on emails we've exchanged.

 

Please please please help me.

[january2010]

I've responded in your duplicate thread posted in the General Relationship Discussion forum:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258392/

 

The thing is though, is that he's married (I think)

 

This is all you really need to know.

 

There's nothing in your exchanges that suggests he has any interest in you other than as one of his students. The awkwardness may stem from the fact that he knows you are flirting with him and while it might be flattering, he does not necessarily want to encourage you or make a move.

 

It's also likely that there'd be something in the university's policies regarding fraternisation with students. And even if there isn't, it's not going to do his professional reputation much good to get involved with you, particularly if he has an input into your grades.

 

Accept that it's a 'look but don't touch' situation.

[chiantiii]

The dean of our school married his student. He's still teaching. Our neuroanatomy professor also married his student. I've only had 7 professors so far and two of them dated and married their students.

 

Thus, there is absolutely no ban on dating students at our school, as long as they are not in your class anymore. In fact, because we spend so much time there, its actually not uncommon to find teacher/student relationships on campus.

[Woman In Blue]

Wow, thanks for that trip down Memory Lane back to Junior high school. I forgot all about that teenage angst and the silly crush stuff I experienced when I was 13 years old. Reading your post was like living my teenage years all over again.

 

Your professor (a supposed 48 year old MAN) sounds like a social misfit. And I'm sorry, but I actually had to re-read your age in your post because I was flabbergasted that a supposed 33 year old woman is acting like this. Is this your first experience with a man or something? I'm just floored.

 

Find out if lover boy is married. I think that's your FIRST order of business. If he isn't, you two can stare at each other like teenage kids all you want - and never get any farther than that. But if he IS married, knock it off and start a teenage romance with someone who IS available to play staring games all day with you.

 

I could ask my teenage neice for advice, if you'd like?

[chiantiii]

I would be surprised if he bites that coffee invite. Pretty bold of you, too. But the facts are that he potentially has a wife and he has a career. If he is intelligent (and I am sure he is ) he will not risk his career for a student with a nice chest. Also, I don't mean to sound crude, but you are probably not the only student that he gazes fondly at their breasts.

 

Personally I think it sounds like you've blown some things out of proportion. When I was in school I had several intense staring/good emailing responding teachers. If I thought they all wanted me I would have had multiple affairs with my teachers by the time I graduated.

 

But if you are not blowing things out of proportion and he is doing things to casually bump into you, or gazing at your chest than your professor is a creeper and very unprofessional.

 

I completely thought these things too. This was such a bold step for me, because it was the first time I ever asked a man out in my entire life! But in reality, it was just to coffee. He really is the sweetest person I have ever met, and I thought he would have just sent me a quick email to tell me "thanks, but no thanks."

 

I am just now worried that I have made him uncomfortable. I don't care at all that he does not feel the same, because I knew I was taking a chance when I decided to ask him for coffee.

 

But life is short, I feel what I feel, I've learned from it.

[chiantiii]

Wow, thanks for that trip down Memory Lane back to Junior high school. I forgot all about that teenage angst and the silly crush stuff I experienced when I was 13 years old. Reading your post was like living my teenage years all over again. QUOTE]

 

I didn't even think about all the nasty and rude comments I would receive. I am really sorry that my situation has either angered you, or made you feel like I'm immature, or feel the need to judge me.

 

Don't you have better things to do?

[East7]

The dean of our school married his student. He's still teaching. Our neuroanatomy professor also married his student. I've only had 7 professors so far and two of them dated and married their students.

 

Thus, there is absolutely no ban on dating students at our school, as long as they are not in your class anymore. In fact, because we spend so much time there, its actually not uncommon to find teacher/student relationships on campus.

 

The only question you should ask is if he is married or not.

If he is married, why would he screw up his career and marriage for a student ? And why would you go after someone who is married and has a family ?

Plus I think you are overestimating his interest on you. There is nothing that shows he is interested whatsoever.

 

Yes, professor-student relationships happens everywhere and can be OK with 2 conditions :

1. They are both single.

2. There is no interest conflict (have you heard about Deontology or Ethics ?) He should not be in position to make you favors because he has a relationship with you.

[chiantiii]

There is no ban to dating students but it is entirely unprofessional. Are you in the U.S.? I find it difficult to believe that one spends so much time at a medical school that the teacher/student role breaks down and dating is acceptable among faculty. I am in the medical field as well and spent the last two years of my school years in medical school. I know how much time is devoted to schooling and clinicals. It was not unusual for us (as a group) to get together with the teacher and go out to dinner or coffee. But relationships? That is a big no-no in academia, and I'm questioning the scenarios you are talking about. There are many factors.

 

Did these teachers date their students while they attended the school? Or was it afterward when they were graduated and established in their careers?

Was their relationship open if it was in school?

Were the teachers previously married and engaging in an affair with said student?

 

 

So are you saying that teacher/students are brazenly open and dating each other on campus?

 

No, not "open" but it happens more frequently than one would expect. Like I said, I've only had seven professors so far and two of them married their former students. I would give the details of the situation, but it's too much to write. But I know for a fact that they fell in love while they were in their class.

 

They were all older students though, and it's not uncommon at all. We don't judge the students or our professors. Yes, I go to school here in the US.

 

I always find it odd that half the people I talk to find that a romantic student-teacher relationships is still very taboo, but others do not think it's a big deal at all.

[redcurls]

[quote=chiantiii;31

I didn't even think about all the nasty and rude comments I would receive. I am really sorry that my situation has either angered you, or made you feel like I'm immature, or feel the need to judge me.

 

Don't you have better things to do?

 

I'm not judging you. I'm not criticizing you. I am the OW (or xOW - depending on the day...)

 

You are obviously an intelligent young woman, and I'm telling you - knock this off. For the sake of your career, for the sake of your professional reputation - don't go there. Don't risk all your hard work for nothing more that heartache and disapointments (and, no, it will NOT be differnt for you - trust me.)

 

Accept his attention as a compliment, and let it go.

[chiantiii]

What I am really curious about is why he hasn't responded to my card? He is very nice and big on communicating, and knowing there was an 80% chance I would be shot down, I thought for sure that he would email me to tell me there is no chance in hell that we will hang out together. (Or whatever you do when you tell someone you're not interested).

 

What I need to know is why he chose to not respond at all. He is such a responder.

 

I am now starting to think my card got lost and never reached him.

 

I have never asked a man out before either, so I don't have the slightest clue if men just don't reply in situations that make them uncomfortable.

[Citizen Erased]

• i was sitting alone in the lounge one day, and he strolled in to get something to eat from the deli. he then turned around and smiled, waved his hands at me, while he said hi. then i waved back the exact same way, and said hi. it was awkward as ass, because it was more reflex-like than a real wave, and my hands just started having a life of its own while i was waiving. weird. i'll never forget it. what kind of professor waves his hands like that to a student? A nervous one perhaps?
  
• i went up to him two weeks before the end of class, and asked him about his schedule, because i had a "list of questions i have been saving to ask him." I did not follow up with him, so on the last day of class, he announced that he was available through email or "if you have a list of questions you have to ask, then stop by my office."
  
• we ran into each other like 6 times in the hallways. i never see any of my other professors, except once a year. This was starting to creep me out a little but I got over it.
  
• while he writes on the board, he pauses and turns his head back and stares at me. after he caught me staring me a few times, i started just looking at the board, even though i knew he was staring at me. i'm weird like that. he won the staring contests in class.
  
• i went to see him twice in his office - the first time, i smiled a lot at him, and giggled. he blushed crazy red, twice. twice. he laughed at my jokes and wanted to talk about himself. there was tension. we had another battle of staring contests. the visit lasted an hour, but it felt like 5 minutes. i hurried out of there. he then said "well, email me or come visit me in the office..." i abruptly left. the second visit was like 55 minutes, and he laughed some more at my sarcasm, and then we stared into each other. it was intense, but i left in a hurry again.
  
• i saw him the deli 3 or 4 times throughout the semester. I am always there at a certain time due to my class schedule.
  
• i saw him in the hallway once when we were completely alone. we awkwardly said hello. i wanted to cry.
  
• he likes to write on his legal pad, but pauses every 3-5 seconds and looks at you (or he does to me). but it's too intense for me. i always pretended to be staring at his writing.
  
• he stares at me in class, but that doesn't really count bc he stares at everyone in class.
  
• i sent him a christmas card that said: " P.S. - want to meet for coffee sometime?" (this is where i'm at now).
  

He has not replied yet. I really really want him to either a) reply in an email and tell me that he is flattered but will have to decline my offer b/c of the fact that he was my professor and (maybe) married; OR b) text me and ask me when we should meet up.

 

He does not seem like the type to just not reply or respond to a sweet Christmas card. He's soooo nice and polite, and very understanding. He always emailed me back so quickly and it just seems unlike him (or what I know of him) to not email me and tell me something. Just a thanks for the card.

 

Does this mean he's not interested? But if not, then being 48, wouldn't he have just laughed it off (the coffee date) and emailed me and told me "no thanks, have a nice semester?"

 

One more thing, grades have not been turned in yet. I don't even think the finals have been graded. But class is officially over, and has been for weeks. Is this the reason for the lack of response? He has my phone number b/c my number is in my outgoing signature on emails we've exchanged.

 

Please please please help me.

 

1. Friendly people wave at people they know. Nothing strange there.

2. You said you wanted to see him regarding your class, you didn't, he was following it up.

3. Good for him, he actually leaves his office, the rest hide in there.

4. If you stare at anyone, they're going to sense it and look at you.

5. It's probably really obvious you like him, that can make anyone embarrassed or nervous when alone in a room with someone that clearly has a crush.

6. He needs to eat too. How many times did you go there that he wasn't there?

7. You're looking too much into a simple hello.

8. See number 4.

9. Like you said, he does at everyone.

10. You think he's married and you did that? You're looking for trouble.

 

My conclusion: it's in your head. Keep it there.

[chiantiii]

I guess what everyone is basically saying is that I was imagining all of this. I knew that was a possibility, but I can usually tell when a guy likes me (most of the time!). I get hit on quite frequently, but because I'm attractive, they tend to do what my professor did -- stare intensely at me or try to be in my "space" somehow, until I give them a sign to proceed further. That's been my experience anyway.

 

But I think all of you make a good point that he was probably just being friendly and NOT making a pass at me. Such intense gazing, such awkward hellos, but I think I may have misunderstood his gestures.

 

It doesn't bother me that I was wrong this time.

 

Thanks everyone.

[aerogurl87]

I'm just trying to figure out why this thread is called "in love with my professor" when obviously this is just nothing but a crush. You can't love someone you don't know on a deeper level than awkward eye contact and having them check you out from afar.

[chiantiii]

How self-centered can you be? Not a mention about his possibility being married and has a wife at home while you're making moves on him.

 

Hi, could you please not respond to my post anymore? Your comments are annoying. I agree with you that I'm self-centered, and do not respect myself, and very very very flawed.

 

Thank you for reminding me. But please stop responding, as you're taking up space and I don't care for your morality talk. It's very generic. But you're absolutely right - I am not a good person. Move along please.

[East7]

What I am really curious about is why he hasn't responded to my card? He is very nice and big on communicating, and knowing there was an 80% chance I would be shot down, I thought for sure that he would email me to tell me there is no chance in hell that we will hang out together. (Or whatever you do when you tell someone you're not interested).

 

1. because he may be busy enjoying holidays with the family (if married)

2. because No answer = I'm not interested - OR - You put me in an awkward position - OR - I don't give a damn

 

Frankly at 33 we are supposed to know better how communication/dating/relationships work....

[bentnotbroken]

Wow, thanks for that trip down Memory Lane back to Junior high school. I forgot all about that teenage angst and the silly crush stuff I experienced when I was 13 years old. Reading your post was like living my teenage years all over again. QUOTE]

 

I didn't even think about all the nasty and rude comments I would receive. I am really sorry that my situation has either angered you, or made you feel like I'm immature, or feel the need to judge me.

 

Don't you have better things to do?

 

 

 

Don't you have better things to do than play emotional footsie with a married man(you think?)

[bentnotbroken]

Hi, could you please not respond to my post anymore? Your comments are annoying. I agree with you that I'm self-centered, and do not respect myself, and very very very flawed.

 

Thank you for reminding me. But please stop responding, as you're taking up space and I don't care for your morality talk. It's very generic. But you're absolutely right - I am not a good person. Move along please.

 

 

Public board ignore or respond. It is indeed your choice.

[Iconoclast]

Yeah, you're reading too much into it. You're in crush mode. But, IF he is married, do you still pursue?

[carrie999]

I'm not here to ridicule you or call you a silly teenager. I haven't read through the bulk of this thread, so I'm going to point out something very important that someone may have already: the medical world is small. Not as small as the world of prospective PhD's in, say, anthropology. But your world is smaller than you realize right now. Until your residency match, your world is confined to your medical school. If ANYTHING happens between you and your professor (or doesn't, but his colleagues catch wind of even this), your reputation is compromised.

 

Seriously, it's hard enough to get noticed among your classmates or colleagues at any stage in the game, but if you have any relationship (even a family friend) with someone who has any influence, your credibility is instantly called into question by your peers and superiors. The reality is that it's a bad idea to even date a fellow medical student or resident, because everybody talks. In the corporate world, this is merely an annoyance, but until you are an attending physician standing on your own merits, YOU ARE HURTING YOURSELF. You'd love to think that the Chief of your Ideal Specialty will rise above gossip, but medicine simply doesn't work that way. Consult the show Scrubs if you don't believe me...it's a frighteningly honest and credible resource for the inner workings of hospital politics.

 

Date a professor now, and even if you do get into the residency slot of your choice, don't be surprised if you hear snickering from your fellow interns. I'm not joking.

 

Forget about whether he's married or the ethical dilemmas surrounding his situation. You've come too far (and at a greater cost to you at 33 than at 24) to sacrifice your career for anyone. Any respectable physician teaching students or residents who actually *pursued you* (which he hasn't) would back off the moment you said it was a bad idea, support you, and come back to you when and if you ended up in the same zip code as fellow physicians. Don't do this!!!

[carrie999]

I guess what everyone is basically saying is that I was imagining all of this. I knew that was a possibility, but I can usually tell when a guy likes me (most of the time!). I get hit on quite frequently, but because I'm attractive, they tend to do what my professor did -- stare intensely at me or try to be in my "space" somehow, until I give them a sign to proceed further. That's been my experience anyway.

 

But I think all of you make a good point that he was probably just being friendly and NOT making a pass at me. Such intense gazing, such awkward hellos, but I think I may have misunderstood his gestures.

 

It doesn't bother me that I was wrong this time.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Okay, I took the time to read through after I responded. I completely understand your point of view, and it's true that it's "not a big deal" for intra-hospital relationships to develop, including those between attendings/professors and students or residents. However, it does create waves on more levels than your own, and the lower on the totem pole you are, the more likely you'll face an uphill battle to prove your merit as a physician. This is unfortunately (still) truer for women. It's not fair, but it just is. You'll gain the attention of the entire medical hierarchy, as well as the nurses and technicians and staff.

 

To respond to this point (I think your most recent), you probably weren't imagining this. And assuming your professor is not "happily" married with kids who is simply hoping to bed down a cute young med student, he may be a really great guy. He may be a middle-aged divorced man who isn't using his position to make advances on a young student.

 

He may be just a guy who admires a 30-something year old student who is smart and attentive, and pursuing her dreams of medicine, as opposed to a middle-aged married letch ogling 22-year-olds wearing spandex and Ugg boots (NOT knocking the Uggs here...making a point).

 

In a perfect world, he may honestly just LIKE you, and want to get to know you better, because you are different from the hundreds of students and residents he teaches every year...and despite being divorced and back on the market, his life may consist of dealing with the same colleagues in his 100 hour work week and sneaking in what little time is left for his kids. That's actually a fairly likely scenario, if you have read him as a "good" guy.

 

So in this perfect world, you are a breath of fresh air, and a symbol of hope to him that he may eventually find someone who fits his life someday. In that same perfect world, he recognizes his attraction to you but knows better than to pursue it...if not for his well-being, for your own. He has watched this world chew up good people and spit them out bitter and angry, and he is acting in your best interest (and his too).

 

I'm basically your age and in your position in terms of pursuing a career in medicine, but I've worked in the field for ten years now. He's probably protecting you both. Don't take others' cynicism to heart, and don't doubt that he might be very interested. Just understand why this shouldn't happen in the next 6-8 years, and even if he weakens and does pursue you too, please tell him why you need to wait it out. He WILL understand.

 

Unless, of course, he is a total jerk, in which case you should avoid him anyway :-)

 

(Sorry for the long posts, but this situation (aside from the OM/OW thing) is one that I know very well).

[greengoddess]

It's quite possible that his wife opened his christmas card. They probably had a nice chuckle out of the student crush and then he probably threw the card away.

 

Don't chase married men. It is not very becoming and when word gets out will make you very desirable to some men but for reasons you would not like.

[Eeyore79]

Professors are not supposed to fraternise with students, though the university will often turn a blind eye if a) It's kept quiet, b) The student isn't in the professor's class, and c) They are single and of similar ages, so there's no scandal.

 

It would be extremely unprofessional of a professor to date a student who was in his/her class, or to date a student who might be in his/her class in future years. I have known a professor date a student before, but they were the same age, and they didn't start dating until she was ready to graduate.

 

If he's married, this whole area is a huge no-go. A professor isn't going to risk his career for a fling with a student.

[Fight4Me]

You've gotten a lot of helpful responses so far, so I will only address the question of why he hasn't responded to your card favorably or otherwise.

 

I'm just going to take a stab, but I think because the invitation for coffee clearly crosses the boundary between professor and student, it's far more appropriate for him not to respond as it protects you since there will be no electronic "record" of you initiating it. If he's married, silence is also the best way to go.

 

You sounded accepting of the whole thing in an earlier post, so I would just let this go and move on with your studies. I've always admired those who had the stamina and intelligence to go through medical school and all that entails. Good luck to you and I wish you a very successful future!

[dont-be-naive]

Please please please help me.

 

if he is married, leave him alone. He is probably not going to respond one way or another because he would be treading in dangerous waters with regards to his career.

 

and the infidelity forum, for the most part, is where alot of people come because they have been screwed over by cheaters, and people that want married people, like yourself. So you might want to take that into consideration.

[dont-be-naive]

i sent him a christmas card that said: " P.S. - want to meet for coffee sometime?" (this is where i'm at now).

 

and I haven't had time to read the responses, but did you send this card to his home??

 

If you did, then I have to ask, WTF??? Are you trying to get him kicked out of his house?