My wife of 20 years want us to seperate

[mindful]

About a month ago my wife anounced loud and clear that she is not interested in cpuples counselling or trying to fix our relationship. I really have given up trying to held on to her despite the fact that I love her dearly and inspoite of the damage that this may cause our 3 young children.

I have give so much of myself to my wife. Perhaps too much and have asked for very little in return myself either out of a sense of loyalty, imagined love duty as a husband and a father.

 

Despite lettting go she does not seem to want to give me any clarity on how we are goping to proceed morever the volitile and aggressive bahaviour she expresses towards me has if anything intensified. I am scared of her at the moment. She is slowly destroting me emotionally.

 

I suspect that all of this relates back to her childhood. she had an alcolic mother and a very controlling father who reared her after her mother fled the family home. I am being accused of being controlling and have been accuses of abadoning her at times..usually when I have fled to my room or fled the house to avoid her aggressissive and abusive behaviour.

 

I feel trapped and all I want to do now is seperate and look after my 3 children as best I can.

 

Has anyone been throught this sort of thing?

[Distant78]

That's what I'm thinking also. It trips me out when women all of a sudden, out the blue, want out of a relationship/marriage after so long. No one after 20 years decides to just want to leave and not give a reason. She's in an affair. Stop crying and start snooping. She's already checked out emotionally and no longer cares about your feelings so crying and begging won't help, but will drive her more away from you. Being needy all the time is a turn-off. You better get on the ball buddy and start watching her and snooping.

[2010_Sorry]

Definitely sounds like her attention has been turned elsewhere.

 

Distant is right (LOL... imagine that, I'm agreeing with Distant), do you best to stop being emotional around her, as it is going to only drive her further away. Start snooping to get to the bottom of this.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this mindful.

[2010_Sorry]

Ha ha... yeah, I agree with you too!

[westrock]

I suspect that all of this relates back to her childhood. she had an alcolic mother and a very controlling father who reared her after her mother fled the family home. I am being accused of being controlling and have been accuses of abadoning her at times..usually when I have fled to my room or fled the house to avoid her aggressissive and abusive behaviour.

 

She needs therapy to resolve the emotional trauma that she endured as a child.

 

When your wife was a child, just like all children, she looked to her parents for love. However, when a child has one parent that neglects/abandons them and the other parent that controls them, a child becomes very confused on how to gain the love of their parents because of the inconsistent and confusing behavior of the parents. Some children become perfectionists in an attempt to be perfect to their parents in the hopes of gaining their love. However, this also leads to indecisiveness for fear of being less than perfect. Do you see any of those traits in your wife?

 

The problems manifest themelves when the child grows up and looks for love in a romantic relationship. The person who is now an adult does not know how to act within a romantic relationship, and just as they experienced as a child, they start to intepret the actions of their partner/spouse as either abandoning or controlling. This is the only way they understand love. She blames you, but she cannot see her role in all of this. The problem is that this type of relationship style cannot continue indefinitely. Unless the couple gets counselling, eventually, it will become too much to bear for one or both spouses.

 

There is nothing you can do unless she gets therapy to heal her past. The only thing you can do at the moment is to go to therapy yourself so that you have some guidance on how to act going forward especially so that your children don't suffer.

[Spices]

When she becomes aggressive and abusive the best thing you can possibly do is to be there for her, hold her in your arms and show her love & affection, rather than running. Trust me, it's what she's subconsciously craving.

[restart]

Why snoop, just ask her?

Suggest you go somewhere non-home (I'm sure you can get away from the kids for a bit), and just plain talk. A walk in the park, whatever, a ways away where you or her can scream all you want if necessary...get it out now.

[mindful]

She needs therapy to resolve the emotional trauma that she endured as a child.

 

When your wife was a child, just like all children, she looked to her parents for love. However, when a child has one parent that neglects/abandons them and the other parent that controls them, a child becomes very confused on how to gain the love of their parents because of the inconsistent and confusing behavior of the parents. Some children become perfectionists in an attempt to be perfect to their parents in the hopes of gaining their love. However, this also leads to indecisiveness for fear of being less than perfect. Do you see any of those traits in your wife?

 

The problems manifest themelves when the child grows up and looks for love in a romantic relationship. The person who is now an adult does not know how to act within a romantic relationship, and just as they experienced as a child, they start to intepret the actions of their partner/spouse as either abandoning or controlling. This is the only way they understand love. She blames you, but she cannot see her role in all of this. The problem is that this type of relationship style cannot continue indefinitely. Unless the couple gets counselling, eventually, it will become too much to bear for one or both spouses.

 

There is nothing you can do unless she gets therapy to heal her past. The only thing you can do at the moment is to go to therapy yourself so that you have some guidance on how to act going forward especially so that your children don't suffer.

 

I feel that your commnets are very close to the mark.

 

She is seeing a therapist but I think she has a major blindspot re what is going on. I have done nothing to justify the rage and anger being handed my way. It seems totally irrational at times. And yet through all of this she is blaming me for causing her to feel this way. I have tried to open her eyes but this is just perceived as me being manipulative and controlling. I have therefor chosen to let go. I hope that once I am out of her life that she will continue with therapy.

 

I do not see how her life can improve when the fundamnetal issues which lay burried deep inside her will still be there.

 

I am trying to get out of her way but she is now taking everything legal rather than trying to settle thing amicably. It is like she has unfinnished business with me and will not let go until she has completely derailed me.

 

She has told me she wants the home, the children and her lifestyle.

 

I feel so terrified that I will lose everything. My children are now the most important thing in my life.

How do I best stear through this mire and come out the other side intact.

 

If you have any advise or futher insights please share. I found your comments very accurate.

[mindful]

When she becomes aggressive and abusive the best thing you can possibly do is to be there for her, hold her in your arms and show her love & affection, rather than running. Trust me, it's what she's subconsciously craving.

 

 

I can do no right in her eyes.

She shows me no weakness anymore just anger and hatered. I if I did as you suggest she would more likely call the police and allege assault.

[robf1971]

That's what I'm thinking also. It trips me out when women all of a sudden, out the blue, want out of a relationship/marriage after so long. No one after 20 years decides to just want to leave and not give a reason. She's in an affair. Stop crying and start snooping. She's already checked out emotionally and no longer cares about your feelings so crying and begging won't help, but will drive her more away from you. Being needy all the time is a turn-off. You better get on the ball buddy and start watching her and snooping.

 

Seconded..

 

Keylogger on computer, cell phone records etc. Also is she taking better care of herself, nicer clothes etc. Get your evidence, if there is an affair it must be nipped in the bud. She's lost all respect for you.

 

You also need to discretely lawyer up, get your ducks in a row, find out your rights.

 

Finally, calm the situation down at home. Stop arguing with her, you need to man up without being an ass, you are acting like a total doormat, totally unnatractive to your wife.

 

Wife starts talking to you in a nasty way?

 

Hold your hand up, say "stop" If you want to talk to me in a friendly and civil manner I'm all ears, until then thsi conversation is over", then walk away. She won't like it but as long as you remain calm. she will respect you more.

 

Please, please stop pressuring her to tell you what she wants to do, let her initiate any relationship talks. If she asks a difficult question just reply "I need a few days to think about it"

 

She is going to be testing you left right and centre, in her mind her feelings are 100% right, each time you argue with her it totally justifies her leaving you. This is probably why she's so hateful with you at the moment. She throws something at you eg

 

Wife. You have been a terrible husband,

You. I agree, I have been a terrible husband.

 

Just agree with her feelings, however much you disagree with them, after a few days, watch her attitude change. Remember there is no winning an agument with a Walkaway spouse..

[restart]

If you ask her directly about a possible OM, her body language will tell it all, watch for it carefully. Having been with her for 20yrs, I'm sure you will tell if she's lying to you. If she turns away immediately...