Well... Christmas made someone mellow...

[noelle303]

FOG - He is an *******, I agree with you. What he said - highly disturbing and I will most likely never forgive him. I have no feelings for him.

But... he isn't going to kill me.

If for nothing, then for the fact he'd be discovered in 2 minutes and lose everything. He has a free escape, I didn't contact him and had no intentions of doing it. But then after months of silence he decides to kill me after all fully knowing he'll be caught and on death row?

 

Lucrezia - if there is a possibility for her to have a relationship with her father I want that for her. No matter the hostility I'm harboring towards him.

[jthorne]

FOG - He is an *******, I agree with you. What he said - highly disturbing and I will most likely never forgive him. I have no feelings for him.

But... he isn't going to kill me.

If for nothing, then for the fact he'd be discovered in 2 minutes and lose everything. He has a free escape, I didn't contact him and had no intentions of doing it. But then after months of silence he decides to kill me after all fully knowing he'll be caught and on death row?

 

Lucrezia - if there is a possibility for her to have a relationship with her father I want that for her. No matter the hostility I'm harboring towards him.

How do you know that he wasn't enjoying his Christmas with his wife and sons, and wonder how that could have all been ruined by you disclosing your pregnancy? How do you know he wasn't calling just to assure himself that you will keep your mouth shut?

 

You know him better than we do, but I think you are making huge assumptions based upon your hope of something more for your daughter. That's understandable, but now is not the time to be in contact with him.

[Carrot2000]

I met with him last night (in public).

I told him I had a doctors appointment, asked him if he wanted to know the sex. He didn't.

I wasn't feeling well again so he told me ''well you should've got rid of the damn thing''. I lost my temper for a second cause it's heartbreaking to hear him refer to my little girl as a ''thing''. It all just confirmed to me that I was making the right choice cutting this person out of our lives.

Told him he doesn't have to worry, I'm out of his life, won't go for child support, won't make him admit paternity, from now on as far as my baby is concerned he might as well be the milkman. But that also means that if he ever comes near us again I will be going to the police, I'll make sure everyone knows, not only that he fathered my child but also what he did after.

Told him he will recieve a notice from my lawyer next week, and after that he won't ever see me again.

 

He doesn't deserve to know the sex. He doesn't deserve anything but a kick in the nuts.

 

So there ya go... my child is officially fatherless. Her BC will list father unkown. As heartbreaking it is for her, I am imensely relieved to be free of him and start our lives together. Starting with beginning to enjoy my pregnancy finally.

 

I'll update you guys if he contacts me again, but there's no reason for him to do that. I basicly told him he has no child on the way.

Thanks everyone!

 

 

P.S. Silly_girl - I'm well aware that he was a complete psycho about this, I remember quite well thank you very much. And it cuts me like a knife everytime I think of it, which is why I refuse to have my daughter around him.

 

Remember this from October? So he calls and you think maybe Christmas has mellowed him out?

 

Not likely. If anything he was calling to make sure you were still planning to let him off the hook.

 

As sad as it is, it's very likely that Savannah will not grow up with the kind of father you had. It's sad that her dad is not as good a man as your dad, but sometimes that's how things are. Savannah will be luckier than many kids that grow up without a father because she'll have a grandpa to love and adore her. Hold on to that, not the hope that somehow this jackazz has changed.

[IzzyB]

Noelle, I know you have heard this repeatedly from other people but I simply couldnt help myself from posting. Im trying to picture what my Xmm would say if I told him I had gotten pregnant by him (no, it didnt happen) and there is no way he would have said anything even remotely close to wanting to hurt/kill the baby. Nor would he have EVER laid a hand on me like this man did to you. I happen to be an expert in DV (domestic violence) so you can still ignore me (and all the others) if you still choose to, BUT, most of these situations in which the child/mother are hurt or killed dont happen when the male is just happy or in an everyday situation - THEY HAPPEN DURING A RAGE. And it has been shown to you clearly that this man HAS IT. RAGE. He IS capable. Your last post says that he isnt capable of that, well how the hell do you know this? Didnt you see it with your own eyes (the rage)? You havent lived with him, you have been the OW and havent had real concrete time with him, i have a strong feeling (based on years of experience) that his W sees this side of him more than you did.

 

Here's the thing, if you want to ignore his behaviors and all of the advice, thats fine when its just about you. But you're a mother now, your first duty is to protect this baby/child no matter what! That means that having seen this behavior from this MM you already know what he is capable of (it only takes a few seconds to do harm and he is capable of that, he showed you) so you cant take ANY chances. Not for your baby.

 

Again, if it was just you, feel free to ignore the signs. But EVERYTHING changes when you become a mother. You are responsible for this little girl now. If you choose to let him meet her LATER ON (if he even wants to) when she is bigger and older do so, with your father or someone else present. Oh and if you doubt any of the advice given, talk to a few policemen, DV is one of their worst nightmares. They will have even more stories for you about what happens in these situations.

 

Get your head out of the sand. Please, please, please.........

 

My heart goes out to those women who have been through hell and back and lost a child or faced the terror. God bless you.

Edited December 27, 2010 by IzzyB

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

Lucrezia - if there is a possibility for her to have a relationship with her father I want that for her. No matter the hostility I'm harboring towards him.

 

I was thinking more of the hostility he may have for her if she poses a threat to his existing family!

 

There is a lesser likelihood of that since you are giving him the easy way out so he won't get caught, but are you comfortable with him being nice only because you won't legally stand up for yourself or your daughter? How are you going to explain to your daughter that a relationship with him means that he has to keep her a secret?

 

I'm hoping after she is born you will look into her face and into your own heart and make the decision that will work best for you and your daughter and not keep doing what is easy for him. Protect you and yours: not him. If he wants a relationship with your daughter, and you want her to have a relationship with him - then make it count. Don't make her OW Jr. She will grow up with resentments that you cannot even comprehend right now.

 

I was an OW's child. It ain't easy. Trust me.

 

When you see her you will want the world for her. You will want him to want the world for her, and he just won't. He will only want what will allow him to keep you both a secret.

 

If you doubt that for a second, mention CS or legally legitimizing the child. You'll see just how far his love and compassion for his daughter will go.

[noelle303]

How do you know that he wasn't enjoying his Christmas with his wife and sons, and wonder how that could have all been ruined by you disclosing your pregnancy? How do you know he wasn't calling just to assure himself that you will keep your mouth shut?

 

Then I tell him nothings changed. I'm still out of his life if thats what he wants.

But there's a slim chance he turned around, and no one can deny that.

 

Izzy - I'm not denying that his behavior was violent. It certainly was. However, I do not believe thats his normal behavior. I do not believe that he is like this with his wife, I don't believe he was like this with anyone.

I wouldn't be risking my child if I did.

 

Common, I personally have no feeling towards him anymore. And I was never in love... so why would I feel the need to justify him like this?

 

I'm a person who's never been around violence, can't stand it, I'm not some infatuated low self esteem little girl.

He was a jacka**, still is. But he's my daughter's only father!

 

Lucrezia - I agree with you... He can't be in and out of her life when he feels like it. But I want her to at least meet him. I want my daughter to meet her dad.... I can't imagine how painful it must be not to know your dad... your second half. I don't want my daughter to know the feeling.

[Fieldsofgold]

Then I tell him nothings changed. I'm still out of his life if thats what he wants.

But there's a slim chance he turned around, and no one can deny that.

 

Izzy - I'm not denying that his behavior was violent. It certainly was. However, I do not believe thats his normal behavior. I do not believe that he is like this with his wife, I don't believe he was like this with anyone.

I wouldn't be risking my child if I did.

 

Common, I personally have no feeling towards him anymore. And I was never in love... so why would I feel the need to justify him like this?

 

I'm a person who's never been around violence, can't stand it, I'm not some infatuated low self esteem little girl.

He was a jacka**, still is. But he's my daughter's only father!

 

Lucrezia - I agree with you... He can't be in and out of her life when he feels like it. But I want her to at least meet him. I want my daughter to meet her dad.... I can't imagine how painful it must be not to know your dad... your second half. I don't want my daughter to know the feeling.

 

Noelle, its not good for the human body to be slammed and jerked around. People can be killed - even accidentally/unintentionally - in a moment of rage, when another person is slamming them around. You could have been injured or killed in a freak accident when he slammed you against the wall. People are thoughtlessly killed or maimed in a moment of thoughtless rage, every day. Every single person who kills a sweetheart or child KNOWS they will be caught, and the consequences. At the moment they lose control, none of that matters.

 

I just hope that if your daughter spends time with him later on, she doesn't do anything that pushes his buttons.

 

FWIW, my grandson, who is nearly grown, and a very fine young man, has never seen or spoken to his biological father. He does, however, have some great male role models with whom he is close. It is not a source of turmoil for him to not know his father - and he is a boy.

 

Please, don't you make it be a source of turmoil for your daughter.

[BB07]

Noelle, I just want to say one more thing that I don't think has been covered. You got defensive because you feel some of us are assuming that you are naive or too young to understand the dangers this man presents to you. It's not that you are naive or too young Noelle and you pointed this out yourself, it's that you have no experience dealing with abusive men and that alone makes you vulnerable, not naive or stupid but vulnerable.

 

What I'm trying to say Noelle is that there are several women who have experienced abuse telling you what they know, have learned. It is the voices of sad experiences and knowledge talking........please, please don't discount what they and myself are telling you. Protect yourself and protect your baby from that man.......forever. Don't be sad....be glad that you do NOT have to have him in your life or your daughters life. It is a gift that you have a choice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can't imagine how painful it must be not to know your dad... your second half. I don't want my daughter to know the feeling.

 

That's just it - I do know my dad. His parents ended up with custody after my mother ditched him (and me and my brother) for yet another MM until he was through with school (college and grad school) and then he spent nearly all of my life making me sorry for even existing. Stuff like:

 

If abortion had been legal you wouldn't be here

You ruined any chance I had at doing what I wanted to in life

You see that woman there (when he ran into his former fiance one day)? That was the woman I should have married

You want to know if I wished you were never born? The answer is yes

Your mother was a worthless selfish whore who I wish I had never met

Dick, dick, dick that's all you can think about just like your whore mother (when I came to him with a problem with a boyfriend)

... and that is just the verbal abuse. The physical abuse I put up with at the hands of him and his second wife... well, let's just save that for another time. People have no trouble abusing what they think ruined them.

 

On and on my whole life treated like an obligation that ruined my father's life. Never once was I allowed to forget my 'whore mother' and how 'I ruined my father's life' and so on and so on.

 

You sure you want to gamble that with your daughter? Be careful what you wish for.

[Ellin]

That's just it - I do know my dad. His parents ended up with custody after my mother ditched him (and me and my brother) for yet another MM until he was through with school (college and grad school) and then he spent nearly all of my life making me sorry for even existing. Stuff like:

 

If abortion had been legal you wouldn't be here

You ruined any chance I had at doing what I wanted to in life

You see that woman there (when he ran into his former fiance one day)? That was the woman I should have married

You want to know if I wished you were never born? The answer is yes

Your mother was a worthless selfish whore who I wish I had never met

Dick, dick, dick that's all you can think about just like your whore mother (when I came to him with a problem with a boyfriend)

... and that is just the verbal abuse. The physical abuse I put up with at the hands of him and his second wife... well, let's just save that for another time. People have no trouble abusing what they think ruined them.

 

On and on my whole life treated like an obligation that ruined my father's life. Never once was I allowed to forget my 'whore mother' and how 'I ruined my father's life' and so on and so on.

 

You sure you want to gamble that with your daughter? Be careful what you wish for.

OMG. I wish I could go back in time, slap him and take you to some place of safety. Reading that made ma sad and angry.

 

You can be proud of yourself for turning out to be such a strong, wise and lovely person.

[pureinheart]

Most people are NOT abusive until something happens to bring out the worst in them! They don't just get up on a fine, sunny morning and decide they will be abusive for a while. They abuse when something happens that provokes or upsets them, or makes them feel powerless.

 

 

What is inside of us is what comes out in times of stress and turmoil. Those things are the things we don't have to think about, they just are. We go on automatic pilot.

 

 

Noelle, certainly this is your life, although due to experience, these two statements communicate it all...

 

I have been abused and have been an abuser, and in fact believe that most of us are capable of a lot of things...He has shown you already what he is capable of...words ARE powerful and communicate what is in our hearts.

[pureinheart]

That's just it - I do know my dad. His parents ended up with custody after my mother ditched him (and me and my brother) for yet another MM until he was through with school (college and grad school) and then he spent nearly all of my life making me sorry for even existing. Stuff like:

 

If abortion had been legal you wouldn't be here

You ruined any chance I had at doing what I wanted to in life

You see that woman there (when he ran into his former fiance one day)? That was the woman I should have married

You want to know if I wished you were never born? The answer is yes

Your mother was a worthless selfish whore who I wish I had never met

Dick, dick, dick that's all you can think about just like your whore mother (when I came to him with a problem with a boyfriend)

... and that is just the verbal abuse. The physical abuse I put up with at the hands of him and his second wife... well, let's just save that for another time. People have no trouble abusing what they think ruined them.

 

On and on my whole life treated like an obligation that ruined my father's life. Never once was I allowed to forget my 'whore mother' and how 'I ruined my father's life' and so on and so on.

 

You sure you want to gamble that with your daughter? Be careful what you wish for.

 

 

(((((((((hugs))))))))))LB....your father was very disturbed...I am so sorry:(

[Ellin]

I'm not denying that his behavior was violent. It certainly was. However, I do not believe thats his normal behavior. I do not believe that he is like this with his wife, I don't believe he was like this with anyone.

I wouldn't be risking my child if I did.

 

Common, I personally have no feeling towards him anymore. And I was never in love... so why would I feel the need to justify him like this?

 

I'm a person who's never been around violence, can't stand it, I'm not some infatuated low self esteem little girl.

He was a jacka**, still is. But he's my daughter's only father!

 

Lucrezia - I agree with you... He can't be in and out of her life when he feels like it. But I want her to at least meet him. I want my daughter to meet her dad.... I can't imagine how painful it must be not to know your dad... your second half. I don't want my daughter to know the feeling.

Noelle, I was married to an abusive, violent man. If only he showed me who he really was in the beginning of our R!! But of course he didn't. He knew he couldn't as there would be no continuing.

 

He was clever, like all abusers are. He played a nice man for a long time. The man of my dreams. Until he knew that it would be hard for me to leave, only then he started showing his real face, bit by bit.

 

What I'm trying to say, you can't tell if someone is normally violent or not, if you spend only limited time with them. I had known my xH for 2 years before we got M. It was a LDR, so we were apart most of the time and I had no clue what he was capable of.

 

What you have witnessed and suffered from your xMM shows what he is capable of and maybe you're right, maybe it was a one-off under extreme circumstances. But I think it is more likely that it wasn't the first or the last time he's done that.

 

Having said that, I really understand how important he is to you being the father of your child.I really do. He is importnat no matter what and it hurts that he is failing you and your little girl so badly.

 

But be careful. Like I said there is plenty of time. It is a matter of months, even years before your daughter can understand the world enough to appreciate the importance of knowing her real father. So no need to panic right now. Things may be completely different then.

 

But now she needs only you, and she needs you to be strong and calm. And she will continue needing just that for many months after birth.

 

Take care.

[Fieldsofgold]

That's just it - I do know my dad. His parents ended up with custody after my mother ditched him (and me and my brother) for yet another MM until he was through with school (college and grad school) and then he spent nearly all of my life making me sorry for even existing. Stuff like:

 

If abortion had been legal you wouldn't be here

You ruined any chance I had at doing what I wanted to in life

You see that woman there (when he ran into his former fiance one day)? That was the woman I should have married

You want to know if I wished you were never born? The answer is yes

Your mother was a worthless selfish whore who I wish I had never met

Dick, dick, dick that's all you can think about just like your whore mother (when I came to him with a problem with a boyfriend)

... and that is just the verbal abuse. The physical abuse I put up with at the hands of him and his second wife... well, let's just save that for another time. People have no trouble abusing what they think ruined them.

 

On and on my whole life treated like an obligation that ruined my father's life. Never once was I allowed to forget my 'whore mother' and how 'I ruined my father's life' and so on and so on.

 

You sure you want to gamble that with your daughter? Be careful what you wish for.

 

LB, thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you went through that.

 

What you have stated is a very accurate reality.

[Ms. Red]

Ok,calm down everyone.

 

I honestly did not take what he said as a serious threat. I don't believe he would do what he said. Yes, it's disturbing, yes it stung like a knife but the way he said it.... it wasn't an actual threat.

 

There are no excuses for what he said. Absolutely none. But I believe he said it in shock, fear and panic, wanting to make me have an abortion.

 

Then why don't you tell your father and attorney about it if it wasn't serious?

 

 

 

What would be his motivation for contacting me? I haven't contacted him. In fact, we haven't spoken in about two months or so. I told him I won't be going after him, that he can pretend I don't exist if thats what he wants. And I made good on that promise,

So why this phone call now?

 

Because even though you told him (bolded) he was off the hook you still say:

 

 

I decided I won't be contacting him. I'm too focused on myself and my baby to risk it all. Now is not the time.

Maybe in the future. In fact I hope that it will be in the future.

 

 

.

 

But I just want for my daughter to be able to look at her father and have a conversation with him.

 

 

I won't be contacting him today or for the rest of my pregnancy. It's too soon. But I hope that one day my daughter will have a relationship with her father. Her real father..

 

 

 

If he says he wants nothing to do with her.... I can't force him. But at least I'll know I did everything I could. I didn't squander a chance.

 

 

if there is a possibility for her to have a relationship with her father I want that for her. No matter the hostility I'm harboring towards him.

 

But he's my daughter's only father!

 

But I want her to at least meet him. I want my daughter to meet her dad....

 

And, that's what he's afraid of. That you are just telling him what he wants to hear. Because you tell him he is off the hook but then you tell us that you will do everything in your power for your daughter to meet her father. That's contradictory.

 

But... he isn't going to kill me.

If for nothing, then for the fact he'd be discovered in 2 minutes and lose everything. He has a free escape, I didn't contact him and had no intentions of doing it. But then after months of silence he decides to kill me after all fully knowing he'll be caught and on death row?

 

That's what my best friend thought also. She and her fetus have now been buried for 23 years at the hand of her boyfriend and the father of the fetus.

[LucreziaBorgia]

LB, thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you went through that.

 

What you have stated is a very accurate reality.

 

All water under the bridge now. Said and done. My concern is that another little girl will end up going through the same thing.

[Fieldsofgold]

Then why don't you tell your father and attorney about it if it wasn't serious?

 

And, that's what he's afraid of. That you are just telling him what he wants to hear. Because you tell him he is off the hook but then you tell us that you will do everything in your power for your daughter to meet her father. That's contradictory.

 

And this is why he would have motivation to eliminate you. Because HE KNOWS that even though you SAY he's off the hook, you're a loose cannon. He knows that you could pop up any time, 3 years from now, or 15 years from now, and ruin his life. But not only does he have YOU as a threat to expose him, but Savannah is also a threat to him. What's to keep her from knocking on his door when she's 18, and ruining everything for him. And she can prove with DNA that she is his. His ONLY security is to get rid of the evidence. Or have someone get rid of it for him. He may be calling, fishing, to see if you're a threat to show up in future years and ruin his life.

 

That's what my best friend thought also. She and her fetus have now been buried for 23 years at the hand of her boyfriend and the father of the fetus.

 

 

Ms. Red, I am so sorry for your loss, for your friend, and for her baby. Noelle, if a person thought they were at risk of being a murder victim - I mean really believed it could happen - they would take every precaution and make it difficult, if not impossible, for it to happen. It is EXACTLY because people believe that it won't happen to them, that it happens to them. Can't you SEE that? Please, please, at least tell your attorney!!

[NoIDidn't]

I'm a person who's never been around violence, can't stand it, I'm not some infatuated low self esteem little girl.

He was a jacka**, still is. But he's my daughter's only father!

 

Lucrezia - I agree with you... He can't be in and out of her life when he feels like it. But I want her to at least meet him. I want my daughter to meet her dad.... I can't imagine how painful it must be not to know your dad... your second half. I don't want my daughter to know the feeling.

 

That's some unfortunately romantic thinking you've got going on here, noelle.

 

I'm not the daughter of the OW. I'm her granddaughter. And lemme tell you, the MM (my grandfather) didn't even want ME referring to him as a relative - even years after the affair was LONG over and he was DYING!

 

You've never been around violence, and those of us that have are telling you the scoop and you are ignoring it! WHy? I get that it doesn't fit your world view, but you need to WISE UP.

 

Let me address the "I don't want my daughter to know the feeling" statement. Meeting your dad and KNOWING your dad are NOT the same thing. Your daughter will NEVER know her dad. Not with the promise you made him to not out him. She will have the very feeling you don't want for her whether she meets him or not.

 

And worst yet.

 

She will also have the feeling of knowing he doesn't want her.

 

Too late to avoid all of this. Stop holding out the hope that he will see a beautiful baby and want to know her. He won't. His marriage is more important to him than a child he should not have conceived outside of his marriage is. He's shown this to you time and time again.

 

No one here wants to see you get hurt, or hear of you putting yourself and the baby in harms way again.

 

Head out of the sand. You aren't dealing in reality if you think your daughter will avoid the feeling of not knowing her dad. She won't live with him day in and day out. She will know the feeling. She won't be able to pick up the phone and call whenever she wants (age appropriate). She will know the feeling. He's not going to pick her up and introduce her to her siblings (if any). She will know the feeling.

 

There is nothing as lonely as being the child of a man that doesn't want you - OW as mother or otherwise.

 

Instead of latching on to the hope that he will "meet" her one day, you need to be pulling together her support system of people that do want her, that will do more than "meet" her. People she WILL KNOW and will be KNOWN to as well.

 

Snap out of it, noelle.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Noelle, I know too many children who don't know or care to know their real father because the have the most loving upstanding stepfathers in their lives everyday. Men who provide a REAL example of love and honor and duty. I have 2 friends who husbands have adopted their children and raised them as their own. Don't romanticize this father thing, you've got much more important thing to worry about.

[Fieldsofgold]

That's some unfortunately romantic thinking you've got going on here, noelle.

 

I'm not the daughter of the OW. I'm her granddaughter. And lemme tell you, the MM (my grandfather) didn't even want ME referring to him as a relative - even years after the affair was LONG over and he was DYING!

 

You've never been around violence, and those of us that have are telling you the scoop and you are ignoring it! WHy? I get that it doesn't fit your world view, but you need to WISE UP.

 

Let me address the "I don't want my daughter to know the feeling" statement. Meeting your dad and KNOWING your dad are NOT the same thing. Your daughter will NEVER know her dad. Not with the promise you made him to not out him. She will have the very feeling you don't want for her whether she meets him or not.

 

And worst yet.

 

She will also have the feeling of knowing he doesn't want her.

 

Too late to avoid all of this. Stop holding out the hope that he will see a beautiful baby and want to know her. He won't. His marriage is more important to him than a child he should not have conceived outside of his marriage is. He's shown this to you time and time again.

 

No one here wants to see you get hurt, or hear of you putting yourself and the baby in harms way again.

 

Head out of the sand. You aren't dealing in reality if you think your daughter will avoid the feeling of not knowing her dad. She won't live with him day in and day out. She will know the feeling. She won't be able to pick up the phone and call whenever she wants (age appropriate). She will know the feeling. He's not going to pick her up and introduce her to her siblings (if any). She will know the feeling.

 

There is nothing as lonely as being the child of a man that doesn't want you - OW as mother or otherwise.

 

Instead of latching on to the hope that he will "meet" her one day, you need to be pulling together her support system of people that do want her, that will do more than "meet" her. People she WILL KNOW and will be KNOWN to as well.

 

Snap out of it, noelle.

 

Excellent post! So true, especially the bolded!

 

When things in my marriage weren't going well, and I was pregnant, I was so afraid my daughter would grow up not knowing her daddy. Later, my greatest fear was that she *would* grow up knowing him!

[noelle303]

M. Red - I wasn't planning on contacting him. Up until the point when he contacted me. Then I started to wonder what he wants to say to me.

 

Lucrezia - I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you also mention you had an absentee mother. Thats never going to be me, if she ever meets him I will be monitoring their relationship fully and protect her.

 

I don't want the pressure of finding a husband and father for her. I want her to have her dad.

I know that she may never have a normal relationship there, but at least to have a reference to him and not spend her life wondering who is this second half of hers.

[Perilous Hope]

Noelle, I'm coming out of lurkdom to post this... maybe it will help, just as all the other personal stories on this thread so far have attempted to help.

 

25 years ago, my mother was the OW. The MM was her boss. He was fifteen years older than her, married, and he had three children. Their affair lasted for almost twenty years, and when my mother finally realized that he was not going to leave his W, she asked him to father her child because she wanted to have one so badly. He agreed, so long as he was promised no role in the child's life. That child was me.

 

Guilt got the better of him, and he came around for the first year or so of my life, as always, making promises to my mother that he could not keep. Finally, he decided that he wanted to break off contact altogether. I didn't see him again until I was eighteen (obviously, there was no child support, but that was not part of the bargain anyway). For my entire childhood, it was me and my mom together against the rest of the world. Despite the countless rounds of therapy she felt obligated to put me through, I barely noticed any differences about my life until I was a teenager. I had a wonderful, supportive family who helped to raise me, and our experience just made my mother and I closer.

 

Of course, when I was a teenager, I became angry. I was angry at my father for leaving us and refusing to admit me into his life; I was angry at my mother for willingly becoming involved with a MM to begin with, fully aware that my father would not be in my life. And for awhile, I blamed myself... I thought maybe I had something to do with the fact that my father couldn't and wouldn't love me.

 

When I was eighteen, he decided that he wanted to know me. My mother clung to the hope that she had all my life that he would decide to take a more active role in our lives. We met for dinner a few times, he wrote me a couple of checks, and all was said and done. There would be no introducing me to my now-grown half siblings and my neices and nephews. As far as they were concerned, I didn't exist and never would. My father requested that I call him by his first name. I found the high school graduation picture of me that my mother gave him in his garbage. There could be no evidence of me in his house. After that, I decided that if he wanted nothing to do with me, I wanted nothing to do with him. I cut him out of my life just as he cut me out of his.

 

A few years ago, my father's W passed away. He decided then, when it was convenient for him, that he wanted a relationship with my mother. After initially taking it into consideration (for my benefit, or so she said), my mother decided that he was no longer worth her time. This is after a nearly forty year long on and off A.

 

Growing up without a father was difficult for me, because my father clearly did not want me in his life. It was probably made more difficult by my mother clinging to the life she knew we both deserved, but couldn't have. Still, she did her absolute best to raise me alone, with me having no knowledge of my father... the man who was half of me. I think, in the long run, I was better for it. I grew close to my mother, learned what it was like to work and fight hard every day to make a good life for yourself and your child. I am a more mature, strong woman now because of it. And I honestly feel that growing up without a strong male influence, while undesirable, allowed me to have a good head on my shoulders. I am now college educated with a graduate degree. I am well-read, well-traveled, and well-spoken. I have my dream job, making a very nice salary. I live in a wonderful home and have great friends. I am genuinely, truly happy... and the fact that I did not have my father in my life does not change that.

 

Had my father been pushed upon me throughout my life, and given more of an opportunity to show that he did not care about me and did not want me in his life, I would probably be much worse off. I had a wonderful, wonderful, loving mother -- which I know you will be to Savannah. My mother's only flaw was that she could not help but regret the lack of my father's presence in my life. Please, please don't make that mistake. Move on from him. You and your daughter will be better off for it.

Edited December 29, 2010 by Perilous Hope

[NoIDidn't]

THank you for your post and perspective Perilous Hope. I hope Noelle considers your real life experience.

 

Noelle, I tell you not as the OW's child, but the grandchild. But I have another second hand experience that's very similar. My sister.

 

Her father wasn't a MM. He's the run-of-the-mill jerk single guy that still exists. My mother got pregnant during their "R" and he told her he never wanted children. She considered aborting. Even went with him to the clinic once, but chickened out. Their R ended the day he showed up to try to take her again and she decided she just couldn't go.

 

She got the same type of abuse from him. But that's not the story. As you keep saying you want your father to have a "daddy".

 

My sister NEVER had a "daddy" despite MEETING him, and him even paying child support. He didn't want her. He once came to our home after a family member passed to show support for that and DIDN'T EVEN SPEAK TO HIS OWN CHILD. That really pissed me off. I told my mother if that didn't convince her to cut him out of her life forever, then I didn't know what would. My sister was 18 and he'd never done anything with her personally, or for her that wasn't court ordered.

 

I will never forget my sister's tears when she opened the door for her own bio dad and all he could say was "Is [mom's name] home?" and looked around her. He wouldn't even look at her and he knew exactly who she was. This man was her dad. There were grieving people there for my uncle. So maybe they didn't notice her real reason for crying, but I did. And I made him leave.

 

You don't want this for your daughter. But based on what you have said about her bio dad here, its likely not far off from what she will get. His only objective is to get you buttered up enough to get rid of her. He doesn't want her to exist, let alone want to meet her.

 

I know you want a daddy for your daughter, but she isn't likely going to get one out of this situation. I am so sorry for that. I hate to keep pointing out all this negative because having a baby is a beautiful and positive thing. But your beautiful baby is being born into an ugly situation. Shield her from it as much as you can. When you insist on wanting her to "meet" him and to "know" him, you aren't shielding her from the ugliness. That puts her well-being right in the middle of it.

 

Strong people emerge from these situations. So don't worry that not knowing her dad will somehow be damaging to her. You may very well find like many others have that not knowing him may be the least damaging option considering what seem to be his feelings on this pregnancy.

 

Try to enjoy your pregnancy and take care of your baby when she comes. I won't give you anymore stories. I'm sure you have enough on your mind and plate to digest.

[Mimolicious]

Noelle, glad to see you post and that your pregnancy is going well.

 

Disappointed that you are still seeing this as unicorns and rainbows. I said it many months ago and I will say it again. People end up dead or missing for "trying" to play too many games.

 

If you are serious about your decisions, stick to them. Keeps everyone out of harms way...

 

You better believe that you know NOTHING about your MM. I am sure Laci Peterson swore she knew Scott Perterson. She WAS married to the dude and shared every day life with him. This is just one case that caught the media's attention. Things like this happen every single day and more than they should.

 

Good luck!

[Fight4Me]

Noelle, you are one of the women here who has always been on my heart and mind. I remember when, much to our relief, you confided in your parents.

 

Let's face it, you have a wonderful Dad... big time wonderful! It is only natural that you want exactly the same for Savannah (LOVE that name!!). If I had to guess, I would say that your desire for your daughter to get to know your xMM stems from your own wonderful experience as a child who was and is clearly loved and wanted by her father. Who could possibly blame you for that? Nobody here doesn't "get" you in that regard. Everyone is just concerned for you and your child, and I know you know that too.

 

I don't have a personal story of abuse, but I did grow up without a father who died when I was too young to remember. My mother was amazing and I grew up with a wonderful support system. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my childhood. It has helped me become the person I am today.

 

If I have any advice, I would say to give this a lot of time. You may feel compelled to try to get your daughter and her father connected in some way. All I ask is that you go through your lawyer to do it, if you do it at all. If he truly has an interest in meeting her, he will be more than willing to do it right, not just through you, but through an unbiased third party.

 

Please take care of yourself, and keep us updated on how you and baby are doing.