in pain Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I really need help. I found out 6 days ago that my husband is cheating on me with a colleague who's a friend of mine (she used to share an apartment with me). He ended it and regrets the whole thing. The problem is that he says he is not willing to work things out because he is afraid he will hurt me again in future. He keeps on telling me how much he loves me and that he will never love another like he loves me yet he is not willing to work things out. It hurts so much to know that I'm the only one that wants to fix things and he would rather leave. yesterday he decided that he wants to fix things but how do I believe that after he initially refused to be with me. I feel like if I stay to work things out now, I'll just be the one after him all the time from now on. He should have been the one to come running after me in the first place. Do separations work after infidelities?
turnstone Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 What do you mean by 'do separations work after infidelities?' I'm sure you're not asking if people can successfully separate after one party has cheated on the other. If you're asking if a separation can make a marriage work after infidelity, then the answer is no, only the married couple can do that. However, separation can be a great tool in enabling both parties to make informed, healthy decisions for themselves and their relationship. However, I personally believe that the decision to separate has to come from the BS in order to maintain, or salvage, the BS's dignity and enable him/her to regain control. Just to clarify - are you saying he initially refused to work things out with you, but now wants to? Did you ask him to work things out? At this stage, it seems that space away from your WH would give you several things. First of all, he gets to suffer a consequence for his behavior. While you are still willing to be his wife, he has no real reason to change his behavior, or even his feelings about cheating. If nothing changes (and there needs to be some pretty major changes to get over infidelity), then nothing changes. He has admitted himself that he's concerned he will hurt you again in future. Well, you need to take that seriously and not dismiss it. If he's that concerned and wants you enough, then he needs to get himself into come kind of therapy where he can get himself into a position where he will never cheat again. But while you're together and he's not missing you or the benefits of being with you, where's his motivation for seeking that help? Secondly, that much needed distance from the situation will enable you to discover what you really want, what you need to get through this and if you actually still want to be married. It'll also help you to maintain your dignity, which is pretty essential at this point. There is exactly NO downside for moving him, or yourself, out, in my opinion.
cyabye Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I really need help. I found out 6 days ago that my husband is cheating on me with a colleague who's a friend of mine (she used to share an apartment with me). He ended it and regrets the whole thing. The problem is that he says he is not willing to work things out because he is afraid he will hurt me again in future. He keeps on telling me how much he loves me and that he will never love another like he loves me yet he is not willing to work things out. It hurts so much to know that I'm the only one that wants to fix things and he would rather leave. yesterday he decided that he wants to fix things but how do I believe that after he initially refused to be with me. I feel like if I stay to work things out now, I'll just be the one after him all the time from now on. He should have been the one to come running after me in the first place. Do separations work after infidelities? He is clearly telling you he will cheat on you again if he stays with you. He is probably still seeing this other woman too. No, separations hardly work at recovering a marriage from my experiences. If he truly loved you as a husband, he would not have cheated on you (TELL YOURSELF THIS CONSTANTLY). I am sorry for what you are going through. Been there multiple times with a serial cheater. I would consult an attorney. Do you have children together? cya
Author in pain Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Yes, he initial refused to work things out. at the time I had told him that I'm willing to work things out. I asked about separations because he said to me that he still loves me but wants to move out so he can decide wether he still wants to work through it. Then he later (last night) changed his mind saying he wants to work through it with me. I asked you about the separation thing because I don't know how many marriages actualy get back together after such trauma to the relashinsip if they separate.
cyabye Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Yes, he initial refused to work things out. at the time I had told him that I'm willing to work things out. I asked about separations because he said to me that he still loves me but wants to move out so he can decide wether he still wants to work through it. Then he later (last night) changed his mind saying he wants to work through it with me. I asked you about the separation thing because I don't know how many marriages actualy get back together after such trauma to the relashinsip if they separate. If you/he want to work on your marriage, he MUST do it while remaining in the home. He must be transparent to you in every way. Separations (the WS choice) is for them to pursue other interest and keep you as the back up plan in case their new endeavors do not work out. Is this how you want to live? Do you think you deserve this? Hardcore fact and you need to realize this is YOU are the only one really wanting your marriage to work. I'd queston his motives. You deserve better. You can do better. My ex left so many times, I am embarrassed to say. The last time, I finally had enough. I made this clear to her and meant it. Was it easy? NO! It had to be done. By getting away from my ex I was able to remove myself emotionally (with time) and think clearly with my brain. I suggest you do this too or you will probably go through this again. FWIW, his new OW probably rejected him in some way and this is the reason he wants to "work" on his marriage. You are second choice. If you don't respect yourself, who will? I learned this the hardway. cya
musemaj11 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 (edited) How is the marriage itself aside from the infidelity? Is it otherwise a perfect marriage? If he is a lousy husband in every other aspect as well, then I see no reason why you would wanna put up with him. Edited December 26, 2010 by musemaj11
whichwayisup Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I really need help. I found out 6 days ago that my husband is cheating on me with a colleague who's a friend of mine (she used to share an apartment with me). He ended it and regrets the whole thing. The problem is that he says he is not willing to work things out because he is afraid he will hurt me again in future. He keeps on telling me how much he loves me and that he will never love another like he loves me yet he is not willing to work things out. It hurts so much to know that I'm the only one that wants to fix things and he would rather leave. yesterday he decided that he wants to fix things but how do I believe that after he initially refused to be with me. I feel like if I stay to work things out now, I'll just be the one after him all the time from now on. He should have been the one to come running after me in the first place. Do separations work after infidelities? Is that collegue, your ex friend out of his life? Do they work together still? She has to be OUT of his life completely.. And, he needs to do some soul searching by doing individual counselling as well as going to marriage counseling with you. It takes two to fix a marriage.. Question is, is HE worth giving that chance to? Do you want to give things another shot?
Author in pain Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Everything was ok. The main problem we've (or rather I) been experiencing is that he spends more time out with friends than he does with me, when he is in the house, it's hard to connect with him (he shuts me out) so what happens is that because I cannot connect with him at an emotional level, I end up not being able to connect with him physically and not having sex is a big issue for him. He used to open up to me and talk to me about everything, the past few months has just been his friends, booze and work. I guess I deserve some of the blame with the sex thing. He has been loving and supportive of what I do though. things just changed and I guess I/we just thought it would get better with time but never put in the effort. things just spiraled out of control.
Author in pain Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 Is that colleague, your ex friend out of his life? Do they work together still? She has to be OUT of his life completely.. And, he needs to do some soul searching by doing individual counselling as well as going to marriage counseling with you. It takes two to fix a marriage.. Question is, is HE worth giving that chance to? Do you want to give things another shot? They still work together. she was in both our lives. I want nothing to do with her. He promises me that he will have no communication with her except for work purposes. I must admit that it will be very hard for me to know that he'll be seeing her everyday. I guess I have to learn to trust but I need so much of his help to do that. Have you been through this before?
cyabye Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Have you been through this before? Yes. I was totally miserable. I was a fool. I could'nt trust anymore. Nevermind the anger I felt. cya
Steadfast Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 He ended it and regrets the whole thing. The problem is that he says he is not willing to work things out because he is afraid he will hurt me again in future...SNIP...yesterday he decided that he wants to fix things but how do I believe that after he initially refused to be with me. In addition to the great advice you've already received, I see this as a power play. He cheats, rejects the idea of staying together on the basis of 'possibly' hurting you again, then backtracks slightly when he fears you might leave. If you buy into it, you've given your loving husband a free pass for future affairs, while he's given you just enough rope to hang yourself. If he's worried about 'hurting' you, why cheat to begin with? What he truly regrets is being married while in the process of chasing strange. Most women (but sadly, not all) aren't crazy about the idea of dating a married man, but cheaters don't generally require permission. In this case, I'd suggest enforcing the separation on your terms by showing this narcissist the door. It takes an incredible amount of love and patience to overcome infidelity, and two committed, willing partners. More than anything, his motivation must be his love for you and his desire to earn back the trust he's lost by betraying you. Tell me, is he up to that?
Author in pain Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 He tells me that though he still talks about leaving. I think you are right, I have to gain my dignity back and the only way for me to that would be by asking him to leave. I still love him though and fear that if he leaves, we might never fix things.
Woman In Blue Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Everything was ok. The main problem we've (or rather I) been experiencing is that he spends more time out with friends than he does with me, when he is in the house, it's hard to connect with him (he shuts me out) so what happens is that because I cannot connect with him at an emotional level, I end up not being able to connect with him physically and not having sex is a big issue for him. It sounds as though he was completely emotionally disconnected from you and gave you nothing emotionally - yet he would have been happy to have sex with you if you had let him. What a prince. Sounds like he'll drop his drawers for just about anyone who says "yes" to him. And worse, you've been double betrayed because he chose to cheat on you with someone whose been a longtime friend of yours and used to be your roommate. Again, he has zero boundaries or respect for you because as long as she was willing to say "yes," he was happy to jump right on it. I also highly doubt this was his first time cheating on you. This is just the first time he got CAUGHT. This is a piece of advice most people don't want to hear, but it's invaluable if you actually take it to heart. Believe someone when they tell who they really ARE. Your husband has blatantly TOLD you that he knows he's incapable of being faithful to you, no matter how much he may love you. That's why I believe this affair was NOT his first, and I think you'd be naive to believe it is. He's had a sudden change of heart because most people DO feel overwhelmed when they're faced with the reality of making a life change like he was saying he wanted to do by moving out. I think maybe he took stock of what that would really entail in order to happen (the very heavy FINANCIAL burden he'd undertake, the fact that he'd have to clean his OWN house and cook his OWN meals and wash his OWN clothes and pay his OWN bills and the list goes on and on and on). Suddenly, living on his own didn't seem nearly as exciting and fancy-free as he'd originally envisioned it to be. If you have kids, he probably factored in that at least 1/3 of his monthly salary would go to them every month. If you're eligible for alimony, that's an additional expense he'd have to pay, as well. And this is all BEFORE he factors in his OWN separate living expenses. So yeah, he probably sat down and crunched the numbers, and didn't quite like the REALITY of being on his own. I don't blame you for being EXTREMELY wary of why he's had a sudden change of heart. Up until now, he's pretty much done what he wanted with ZERO regard for your marriage, your feelings, and your future. He's completely run roughshod all over your marriage, doing exactly what he wanted with no thought as to how it would affect you. So yes, I'd be extremely suspicious of his sudden about-face. I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it.
Author in pain Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 It sounds as though he was completely emotionally disconnected from you and gave you nothing emotionally - yet he would have been happy to have sex with you if you had let him. What a prince. Sounds like he'll drop his drawers for just about anyone who says "yes" to him. Wow!! Now that you put it this way it gets me thinking. He wanted to have sex last night. He kept telling me how much he misses me and when I asked him what it is he misses about me he said he misses "making love to me and kissing me". When I asked him if he misses anything else about me, he couldn't say a word. How could he even expect me to kiss him when I know he just slept with someone else 6 days ago... I feel like I've been so blind all this time...
dreamingoftigers Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Wow!! Now that you put it this way it gets me thinking. He wanted to have sex last night. He kept telling me how much he misses me and when I asked him what it is he misses about me he said he misses "making love to me and kissing me". When I asked him if he misses anything else about me, he couldn't say a word. How could he even expect me to kiss him when I know he just slept with someone else 6 days ago... I feel like I've been so blind all this time... Dont even ask him about it. So many of us women question and question our guys after an infidelity that we keep going until we get the answer we like or the one we absolutely dread. If I were you and really wanted to fix this crappy thing I would go onto the Divorce Busting website and talk to one of their coaches. In reading your posts it seems that you are waiting around to see what his steps are instead of making moves to protect yourself. At least with the Divorce Busting stuff you can start to make yourself happy. At least do an in-home seperation. Kick his ass to the couch.
Spark1111 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 They still work together. she was in both our lives. I want nothing to do with her. He promises me that he will have no communication with her except for work purposes. I must admit that it will be very hard for me to know that he'll be seeing her everyday. I guess I have to learn to trust but I need so much of his help to do that. Have you been through this before? My H had a 1.5 year affair with a work colleague. When I discovered it, I threw him out and told him to go get her. He started begging to come home, but I refused for several months. I also refused to discuss us, or aour future. I eventually let him back in. He slept on the couch. Whenever I discovered continued contact, I threw him out again. He eventually initiated NC with her. Relocated to another office within the company and we tentatively started reconciliation. I would NOT be to willing to do anything UNLESS I saw true committment to changing his behavior towards me. After an affair is discovered, they will still swear to change in an effort to calm you down before reinitiating with the affair partner. Why? They want things to go back to way it was before discovery: family with mistress on the side. Spare yourself some pain here. Or, if he wants to live like a bachelor, let him. Let him see if hanging out at the bars every night is how he want to live. Don't be too available to see him.
Author in pain Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 I guess I should glad we don't have any kids. we were about to start trying for kids next year. I'm really glad I found this forum because my family and friends are a thousand miles away from me (in another state or province as we call it here). Thanks so much for the support. Coutch it is tonight!!!!! He's "out" right now with his "buddies" as we speak. I should count my blessings instead.
Author in pain Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 He asked "so how long is this thing of you not trusting me going to last?". This conversation took place a few minutes ago when he got up from the couch and said to me he's going over to check on his buddies. I then told him that every time he walks out the door I keep asking myself if he's going over to her place. He then said to me that I just have to trust him. I told him I can't do that just yet.... So how long does it take for one to trust the other when such a thing has happened? Am I being unreasonable by still not trusting his word?
anne1707 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Well to expect you to trust after just a few days shows how little he really cares about what he has done. He is entirely focussed on himself and what works for him. I too had an affair with a work colleague but have managed to reconcile with my H but that was through a lot of hard work and even over two years later, we can both still feel the pain from time to time or have unpleasant memories/doubts come back. But I think after all we went through, that is to be expected. However in the immediate days afterwards (as you are), we were both wrecks. If I had said anything to my H along the lines of what has been said to you, he would have quite rightly kicked me out. He is in no position whatsoever to demand anything of you. You however should be able to demand his complete honesty and transparancy regarding all his actions at the moment and be able to ask him not to do some things (such as disappearing to spend time with friends) at this time. If he really wanted to make things work then he would have no problem at all with this. I hate to say this but do you really think he has gone to see friends - my gut would be saying he has gone to see her
cyabye Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 He asked "so how long is this thing of you not trusting me going to last?". This conversation took place a few minutes ago when he got up from the couch and said to me he's going over to check on his buddies. I then told him that every time he walks out the door I keep asking myself if he's going over to her place. He then said to me that I just have to trust him. I told him I can't do that just yet.... So how long does it take for one to trust the other when such a thing has happened? Am I being unreasonable by still not trusting his word? His remorse to cheating on you is evident with that question he gave you. He does NOT care about your feelings at all. He does not respect you. IT'S CLEAR AS DAY!. DETACH now and start thinking with your brain. How long does it take to trust? It takes as long as it takes. PERIOD! You will never trust him fully again with the reponses he's giving you. You are letting him hold all the cards here. He will continue to do what he wants because YOU LET HIM! No kids? CUT YOUR LOSSES NOW! cya
Author in pain Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 I feel so ashamed and even embarrassed that I have to write this, but I have to be truthful to myself and everyone else. I hear what all of you are saying and it all makes perfect sense to me. Why then do I still feel all this love for this man whom I now know is not good for me. Some of you have been through this type of ordeal, is it normal for me to feel so confused and split between things that make perfect sense and my own feelings. Tell me its the early days and things will start to clear and I'll know what to do.
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Why then do I still feel all this love for this man whom I now know is not good for me. Why do you love him more than you love yourself?
BellaBellaBella Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Men are different then women in general. Women need love to have sex for the most part. Men feel love when they have sex. you can survive an affair. Check out the marriage builders web site. Is it odd to still be in love with someone who betrayed you, no. It is normal because you committed your vows with them. It is however okay not to like what they did.
Distant78 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Men are different then women in general. Women need love to have sex for the most part. Men feel love when they have sex. you can survive an affair. This is a stereotype.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 28, 2010 Posted December 28, 2010 I feel so ashamed and even embarrassed that I have to write this, but I have to be truthful to myself and everyone else. I hear what all of you are saying and it all makes perfect sense to me. Why then do I still feel all this love for this man whom I now know is not good for me. Some of you have been through this type of ordeal, is it normal for me to feel so confused and split between things that make perfect sense and my own feelings. Tell me its the early days and things will start to clear and I'll know what to do. Oh yes...this is still way too early. You are in the feeling sorry for myself phase..been there too. Girl your going to have to get to the "get the f out of my face you cheating pr!ck" phase too. Maybe then he'll get a clue. You will go through many phases...as I still am to this day and I'm 8 months out of D-Day! Of course you love him...if you didnt you wouldnt have married him...or him to you right? Thats why most BS'S on here say..its not the cheating that hurts...its the lying and betrayal that kills. No kids is good...especially if you want to throw a boot at him or something..lol Either way..whatever you decide to do...he has no reason to be asking you when are you going to trust him. Thats simply crazy..and yes I wouldnt be surprised if he was still running into her at this point. If he was really out of it..he wouldnt A) be going out to "check" on his buddies thats bullcrap and you know it! B) He wouldnt be asking you such a stupid question after being caught cheating on you. Hes trying to minimize the whole ordeal..when infact this can be a very good reason to divorce his loser ass! And C) Please don't let this dude think he runs your life...cause he DOESN'T! Smarten up..Give yourself the respect you deserve...don't let him con you into his little world. He needs to snap out of it...and SOON!
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