Rebound Situation

[blacksentra]

Ok, long story short. My ex broke up with me back in August. However, we went "on and off" up until late November, early December; when she ended by saying "I’m focusing on me and doing my own thing, and you need to date others and move on."

 

However, during our "on and off" period I befriended another girl. We didn’t do anything too serious at first (just talk, movie dates, etc) but I began to like her. But as the end of the relationship with my ex became more imminent, me and the new girl got more physical (sex, affection). It felt good to be wanted during this time of rejection by my ex. This "friendship" with the new girl has been ongoing.

 

Ok here's where I need input. The new girl makes me feel so loved and appreciated (way more than my ex ever made me feel). It also feels good to have my sexual needs met (prior to the new girl, I hadn’t had sex since August, which was with my ex). The new girl treats me the way I have always wanted to be treated by a gf, and I sincerely see her as someone I am compatible with and who would make a wonderful gf.

 

However, I know for a fact that I am still not over my ex; and it would be unfair to enter a full blown relationship with the new girl......I have told the new girl that I am still hung up over my ex, and she has been very supportive and compassionate. She constantly reminds me of how my ex used to treat me badly......she has also said that she wants to continue our "friendship" and hopes to enter a real relationship when I am over my ex.

 

So, what should I do? When I am with the new girl, she makes me feel great and takes away the pain of the breakup; even if temporarily. And I feel that she would make an excellent partner one day. However, I kinda feel like I am using her, even though she is aware of my emotional situation. Help me please.

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[TaraMaiden]

I'd stick with her.

She sounds like a keeper, someone who appreciates you in spite of your situation, and who seems more able to make you happy.

If you've been completely upfront with her, and she knows the whole deal - then she's made the choice to take a gamble on you.

If you and your ex- are indeed, exes, then you owe it to this girl to stop prevaricating, and start focussing on her.

 

She's showing you her true colours, intentions and motives.

The least you could do - if you really think of her as highly as you say you do - is to be appreciative and make the effort to move on.

 

Big difference between her and your ex, is that she's with you and wants you.

You really can't say the same for your ex.

Can you?

[blacksentra]

No, I cant say the same for my ex.

 

I have nothing but good words for the new girl. She's everything I've ever wanted from a gf. She appreciates me and treats me like a king; two things I never got before.

 

The only hangup is that I feel like I can't fully reciprecate (in heart) her good doings........I know how to SHOW love, and I truely believe that this new girl is worth my affections.......but I don't FEEL as strongly about her as I think I should. And that, no doubt, is because I still have feelings for my ex.

 

My rational mind says that I am lucky to have found someone so good to me, so quickly..........but my heart still belongs to my ex (even though I'm pretty sure the last breakup was the final one).

 

I wish there was a magic button that allowed me to transfer my feelings to those who deserve it

[TaraMaiden]

There is.

But the problem is, you actually don't WANT to press it.

 

Your heart doesn't belong to anybody else. it belongs to you.

Your ex- has no claim on it, other than the one you are still insisting on giving her.

But she doesn't want it.

She has no use for it.

She's discarded it, disregarded it, and is frankly ignoring it.

 

But you still want her to have it.

 

Kind of dumb, really, isn't it?

 

Don't you see how crazy that is?

 

Well, here's something crazier.

How about your current girlfriend sees what a jerk you're being, how artificial your feelings for her are, and how all this warmth, affection and companionship is basically being thrown back in her face, that she might as well not bother - that she then says, "I tried, but you just weren't taking it, were you? So long!"

 

and then you're really on your own?

twice over?

 

Jeesh, all you need to do is get a grip, open your eyes and see just what an idiot you're being....

[LifeIsGreat]

blacksentra.... you really can't expect to have the same feelings for your new woman. You guys don't have the history and love yet. But if she's the right one, those feelings will come and you won't believe that you even had the feelings for your ex that you once had.

 

You will hear over and over about rebound relationships. But, I can tell you from experience that sometimes you can move quickly from an ex to a new relationship without it being a rebound. Much of this depends on your emotional maturity, and how you talk to yourself.

 

Here's a warning though-- be very careful that you don't look at your new woman with rose colored glasses. Be VERY open minded to see the real her, and don't let your recent emotional upheavel get in the way. Another thing, do NOT talk to your new woman about your ex. Don't use your new woman as a therapist-- it will only backfire. She will get sick of it and it will strain would may wind up being something great for you.

 

You are very fortunate to have found someone so quickly, don't mess it up. Don't talk to your ex, or have anything else to do with her. Don't try to use your new woman to make your ex jealous. Just roll with this good thing and eventually you will forget your ex.

[blacksentra]

Wow....that really knocked some sense into me

 

From an objective standpoint I do see how foolish I am being, projecting my feelings onto someone who doesn't want them. And to add insult to injury, I am doing this in spite of having a woman who desires and appreciates me.

 

@TaraMaiden.......Is it really as simple as you say it is? I would appreciate some coaching on how to do this.

[Fern]

If you're not feeling it - don't mess her about. Give yourself time to get over your ex and THEN see how you feel. My ex used me to get over the girl he was in love with 6 years ago. He stuck with me because I was 'good for him' and good to him. His Ex before me was a messed up psycho and the girl he is with now, who he ruined our relationship for (because he felt SOOOO strongly for her) is also a messed up psycho. I'm feeling a pattern developing here. My ex never developed strong feelings for me and so we were doomed from the start. Don't do this to yourself or your poor rebound.

[IfiKnewThen]

i have to partially agree with fern here

 

i once wasnt over an ex and it bleed into my NEW relationship. i even allowed the ex to re-enter the realtionship because he was so darn annoyingly selfish and agressive and i felt pity for him and some weird odd savior loyality. sheesh. well it RIUNED my new relationship hardcore. so i am telling you please do what you first thought. BE HER FRIEND ONLY (the new girl) keep close contact. GET RID OF THE EX AND OVER HER ASAP> dont let her back into your life and heart. you will develope stronger feelings for the new girl. i can almost promise it. its just that you never got over the ex yet.

 

 

then after you have that ex behind you....get more romantic with the new girl. and have a good life hoepfully.

[blacksentra]

Hey guys. Thanks for all your responses.

 

I've decided that I'm going to just try to maintain more of an "intimate friendship" with the new girl. We aren't officially together (because of my feelings for my ex) but we are getting to know each other very well and are become closer to one another.

 

Over the past couple of months, me and the new girl have become like best friends. She adores me, and so do I........One thing that I've noticed: dealing with the new woman has made me realize how great other women are willing to treat me, and that there is really nothing about the ex that I SHOULD miss. I really hope I can get over the ex ASAP and fall in love again with someone more compatible.

 

On another note. Each day of NC with the ex is making things slightly better (been about a week and a half so far). As I stated earlier, I am beginning to look at the past relationship more rationally, and not with an unjustified fondness. However, my mornings prove to be really difficult, as she is the first thing on my mind as I wake up ........Hoping that this pain ceases one day.

 

Just wanted to vent.

[LifeIsGreat]

If your NC is only a couple weeks, expect some setbacks and embrace them. It's typical in the early part of NC to go through a honeymoon stage. This healing thing is usually 3 step forward and 2 back, but eventually you get where you need to be.

 

Remember, with your new friend-- don't talk about the ex!! She should have almost no details of what went on with you two, or how bad you're feeling now. I GUARANTEE if you donn't follow my advice, it will impact your ability to move from friendship to romance. Please believe me on this one.

[Karma20]

Rebounds don't usually last. You will start to see the flaws in this new girl and if she is reminding you of how bad your ex treated you, its because she likes you and doesn't want you to go back to your ex. She isn't saying it out of being sincere. You can't enter a new relationship with feelings for another, you can only mask the feelings for so long behind someone else before your true emotions come out. I wouldn't have any respect for someone who is willing to be with me even though I am in love with someone else. Shows she has no respect for herself. Just my opinion.

[homebrew]

I wouldn't have any respect for someone who is willing to be with me even though I am in love with someone else. Shows she has no respect for herself.

 

Which is the very reason why 99% of rebounds don't last!

[delajoonal]

i had started to comment so much stuff...but i am a loss today, myself.

 

i guess it's like that song goes,

"if u can't be with the one u love, LOVE the one your with?":love: