ohayyy Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Please help me, I really need some guidance. Okay, so I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years, and he is absolutely amazing. He treats me wonderfully, we laugh and get along great, and many people see us as the "ideal" couple. The problem is, about 1 year ago, I was on his computer and stumbled upon some pictures of some other guy naked. We talk about it, he says he didn't know him, and the pictures were from years ago, and we move on. However, I developed a nasty habit: snooping on his computer. 6 months later, I discover a chat done with some guy with my boyfriend saying how he would like to perform sexual acts with him. The guy sends a video of himself, and then my boyfriend ends the conversation by saying that I'm in the room. After much discussion, he told me that the guy in the pictures and the guy in the chat conversation were the same person. they don't have any romantic relationship, but purely an infrequent and online-only sexual one (to my knowledge). Let me again emphasize how strong our relationship is on every other level! We love each others' families, we have been best friends for years (even before we were dating), and I can't possibly imagine dating anyone else because in my mind, they pale in comparison. I just can't shake the image of him getting off with another guy. I'm not really interested in dumping him- I would rather work out my issues with him further until there isn't any other option. We've talked about it at length, but I feel like we've made very little progress in this area. I honestly believe that we can make it through this, but I need to know the first step. Please help?
Bryanp Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 It seems pretty obvious that your boyfriend is bisexual. I know that you do not wish to hear this but if you remain with him it will lead to a great deal of heartache for you. Unless you are willing to share him with other men down the road and willing to put your health at great risk then you need to move on.
Woman In Blue Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 ^^^^^^^^ What BryanP said. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Your boyfriend is obviously bisexual. He's fully capable of having a deep, intimiate relationship with you, but he's equally capable of doing so (at least sexually, anyway) with a man. The one thing you cannot do is "change" him or "sway" him to stop being attracted to men. You can't control that, and he can't control that. Those are the cards you were dealt, Ohayyy. I know several bisexual men and one thing I have seen with these gentlemen is that they prefer relationships with women, not men. They seek out women, and look to women as life partners. That's not a blanket statement - simply an observation based on the 3 or 4 bisexual men I've known in my lifetime. But their attraction to men never simply vanished because they preferred committed relationships with women. It would appear (and I could be wrong) that your boyfriend seems to prefer relationships with women but has a strong sexual attraction to men. Is he able to keep to keep this to fantasy only, or is it too strong for him to control and he has occasional hookups with guys? I don't think he'll admit it to you if he is doing that on the side (just as anyone won't admit to playing on the side when in a committed relationship). And also as Bryan has said, you DO have to worry about the risk of STDs. Good luck to you.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 At least when somebody tells you they're bisexual, they are making it clear that they intend to cheat on you. Those who don't bother to tell of their "bisexuality" remain even worse propositions. You can just hope he is "bisexual" and nothing beyond.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 You wanna work through this? Start encouraging him to bring this "guy" to your place so he can get his fantasy out of the way. But heres the catch, he might want more, with other guys, and Im sure you dont want to join in. Thats what youre in for. This is what will eventually happen. Come to think of it, to avoid having to have to deal with that in the long run, just let him chat with whoever he wants (hes going to anyway) so you dont have to see these guys in person. And tell him that you dont want to see him with guys, you dont want threesoms, and you will start to slowly check out of this relationship if he doesnt resolve this. You can deny it now, but these are your choices.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 The fact that he's bisexual is secondary to the fact that he's indulging himself sexually elsewhere. If it were a girl it would be simple. The fact that it's a guy is a double whammy--he's not acting monogamous and he is acting homosexual. Since he's been caught two times I'd say this adds up to three strikes 1. unfaithful/poly-amorous 2. caught in a gay correspondence 3. caught in another gay correspondence. Your out. Bear in mind that these little gay correspondences are like cock roaches--if you see one or two it's because there's so many hidden that there' no room. This guy's mind is occupied with excitement for men and that is no small once in a while thing. Sorry you have to find this out after developing such an attachment. But if you need ammo to face the reality consider his selfishness in using you to hide his gayness. He seems "nice" but thats part of an elaborate act.
New_Life08 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 I know it has already been said, but in your conversations did the word bisexuality come up? To be honest with you the only way you two can continue in a relationship is to accept that he is a closet bisexual. It is no more or less of an affair if he did this with another woman. So, if you are willing to accept his online affair(s) with men then you are a stronger woman than I. You need to handle it the same as if it were a woman. Tell him he has to make a choice. All my best...
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 29, 2010 Posted December 29, 2010 I know it has already been said, but in your conversations did the word bisexuality come up? Once it comes up - then leave immediately! A so-called "closeted bisexual" isn't as much a problem as one who announces his bisexuality and with it his intent to cheat on you.
oliviahopkins Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Greetings...just because he's bisexual DOESN'T mean he's gonna cheat. However, if he has the non comittal frame of mind, it's irrevelant if he likes women, men or both....HE WILL CHEAT. So, the last time i've checked, there are plenty of ways to meet new people. Get out there and mingle! Online . offline or both !
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Greetings...just because he's bisexual DOESN'T mean he's gonna cheat. Well of course... But once he feels the need to TELL YOU about his bisexuality, then it's a sure bet he's going to cheat (you just don't get to know with who yet). (hell, you can't even narrow down the playing field)
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