summerl0vesyou Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 So, Ive been friends with this guy for about a year. We met in college and share a lot of interests and have had lots of fun times. its always been platonic until recently. BUT....Earlier this year, he went through a messy breakup with a completely psycho woman and she became pregnant. Even though she cheated multiple times, they both feel confident that its his baby (Though there will be testing.) Shes due in Feb. Obviously, when him and i were just friends, this wasnt a big deal to me. Ive been supportive of him and whatever decision he makes regarding his involvement in the child's life. He feels, at 24 and still in college, that now is just not the right time for him to raise a child. He is okay with providing monetary support. He feels that the child should be given up for adoption because his ex is a VERY unfit mother. (Yes, she really is unfit) I understand people have baggage and we all have a past, Im not any different...but this is a big deal to me. It affects my life, too. Im only 21 years old and I have a lot of my own things to deal with. He is so sweet to me and we really connect, so well. But I cant help but wonder what is going to happen. And I know they will always have that connection, and there will always be some type of drama about the child, whether hes actively (Or later chooses to be actively) involved or not. I guess my question is, Should this be a dealbreaker? I know I have to set my own rule for that, but Im having a really difficult time with it. I want to be with him but Im worried about what will happen.
mo mo Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 He's had you as a friend for over a year, and yet he was still with that psycho gf?? I don't think he was ever really interested in you that way... sorry
Knittress Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 ... that's 'cause there's something wrong with EVERYONE. Even you. So go easy on folks. That being said - a kid is a big deal. You shouldn't feel 'shallow' or somehow 'heartless' for not wanting to deal with someone elses' drama, no matter how much you care about them. I think as a woman especially, that there are a lot of societal messages that can make you feel like a bad person if you fail to put your own needs above someone else. That's really all it is. You feel guilt over thinking you deserve better than this I know because I fell in love with a father when I was 22. He meant the world to me and so I kept on squashing my feelings over the kid's bratty behavior, the crazy babymama dragging us into court (she WILL be a large part of your life, like it or not), weekends of in-your-prime adult fun spent pretending to like Dora the Explorer, and knowing that he would ALWAYS have to put me second and I would never be spoiled with either his time or money (not that this is a bad thing for a parent, but it's hell feeling like you threw your chance away to be young and stupid). No crazy adventures. No fancy dinners. He had to be stable. He had to provide. He had to BE THERE. Your guy will never be completely free to build a new life with you because he's got those responsibilities. I hated it. I did. I resented the fact that I had made all the 'smart' decisions so that I could get a good job overseas and here I was, my life dictated by the whim of a couple of horny teenagers. I thought I was a bad person for feeling this way and so I tried to ignore it. IT DOESN'T WORK. Don't be like me and waste years of your life wrestling with your feelings. If it bothers you now, it'll only bother you more later. Run.
sigurpol Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I agree with Knittress. But, as far as my own input, that would be a deal breaker for me. Although, I think it varies between each person. I personally believe that I can't handle kids as well as others, and I don't want kids at all. But that's just me. In relation to Knittress' input, I did date a girl for a few months while in school while she had custody of a 3 year old. It was a complete nightmare. I was 23 and had no exposure to this type of relationship, AND I was in college. I guess I had too much going on with myself at the time that I only wanted to date a girl. Not date a girl, and help raise a child.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 You are too young to have to make such a decision. The baby was not your doing but it was his. You will be taking on a world of baggage if you stick with this guy. I urge you to give yourself a chance for a far less complicated life. It may be hard to see now but you will be saving yourself a ton of emotional mileage by moving on from this. Good luck.
paddington bear Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I would say, note your concerns now and see what pans out. As in, live in the now. You are worrying about the future. Could be it turns out not to be his... But...I'd make a few mental notes of how far you are willing to go with this. If drama filled crazy unfit ex definitely becomes a permanent fixture in his life, then you go. Until you are sure that that is going to happen, stay... ^^ I mean, that is not my advice, my advice is to think about where exactly your boundaries are with this situation and once they are crossed, that is the end. Perhaps they have been crossed now. This all sounds a lot for someone of 21 to deal with. It sounds selfish and we all want to be supportive of our boyfriends...but...you have to look out for number one and don't want your twenties spent embroiled in someone else's mess and bad decisions.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 It takes two to make a baby. No matter how psychotic the ex is, he was the one inside of her. I don't think providing monetary support is what a person would call being responsible. If anything, he thinks money will solve everything. There are men at 24 who can balance a family yet, here's a guy who wants to shirk his responsibilities to be a responsible father to his soon-to-born child. Money can buy the milk and diapers, but then who will be able to provide emotional support for the child?
Author summerl0vesyou Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 He's had you as a friend for over a year, and yet he was still with that psycho gf?? I don't think he was ever really interested in you that way... sorry They broke up in May. and hes been single ever since then
Author summerl0vesyou Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 It takes two to make a baby. No matter how psychotic the ex is, he was the one inside of her. I don't think providing monetary support is what a person would call being responsible. If anything, he thinks money will solve everything. There are men at 24 who can balance a family yet, here's a guy who wants to shirk his responsibilities to be a responsible father to his soon-to-born child. Money can buy the milk and diapers, but then who will be able to provide emotional support for the child? his ex also doesnt want him to be in the child's life. her and her new boyfriend are planning on raising the boy. as far as what everyone else said, yeah if she becomes a problem then I think thats when I might reconsider things. He treats me very well and I suppose Ive decided that, for now, hes the best thing for me. I cant hold it against him that hes at least being honest in being able to say, "Im not ready to raise a kid." hes struggled for months about it and thats what he came to. I dont think thats wrong of him to want someone who is better fit to raise the kid, to be the parents. He just wishes she would give their son up for adoption but she wont budge, she wants to raise the kid in her household (No job, high school dropout, stepdad that abused her still lives there!) with her boyfriend. Im not sure whats going to happen....but she has even said she doesnt want money from him, and he doesnt expect that money "fixes" anything.
mo mo Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 They broke up in May. and hes been single ever since then has he been in an intimate relationship with you since may?
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