JennaMartine Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Hi, I'm 25 years old and am currently in college. I have 2 part-time jobs but do not make enough money to really live on, just to pay my car and college tuition. So I live with my parents, sadly. I have a boyfriend who is in college too and lives with his parents. My mother is terrifying. Even my bf thinks so. Growing up, I was always scared with the Bible, and how if I disobeyed her, God would smite me because "Honor thy father and mother" and "Obey your parents" are both in the Bible. I was so scared it messed up my mind. Every time I did not do something she wanted, she would tell me that I was doomed, or might be going to hell. I cried all the time when I was young because I was so scared. She says that because she is my mom, she has the right to tell me to do anything and I have to do it, or else face eternal punishment. When I was young, if I told her something she didn't believe, she made me put my hand on the Bible and swear to God about it. I thought if I swore to God and was lying, I would be killed on the spot. I developed religious OCD (no kidding!) and mom took me to a shrink. She said it was probably my mom's fault so my mom took me away and said we're never going back. Mom hates my bf because he is Hispanic and we're white. She says God forbids interracial marriage and is angry with me. I feel like God and Mom are angry with me all the time. I try to talk to my dad, but he is too scared of my mom to say anything. He just tells me to save up money and move out. I'm trying, but it is very hard. I want to finish college because I only have 1 1/2 years left. Any time I tell my friends about my problem, they just say "Stop being religious." The thing is, I do want to be religious. I don't want to be an atheist. I do believe in God; I just wish I wasn't so scared of Him. And scared of mom. My boyfriend is supportive, but doesn't completely understand the deep psychological grip she has on me. I can't afford counseling. Should I feel guilty all the time for everything? Can I lie to her about simple things (she says if I drink, I go to hell, if I listen to rap music, I go to hell, etc.)? It's very hard to live in the normal world. Growing up, I was always made fun of because I was the "weird kid" who had to wear old-fashioned clothes and couldn't watch PG movies. Please help me.
Stonewall Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Hi, I'm 25 years old and am currently in college. I have 2 part-time jobs but do not make enough money to really live on, just to pay my car and college tuition. So I live with my parents, sadly. I have a boyfriend who is in college too and lives with his parents. My mother is terrifying. Even my bf thinks so. Growing up, I was always scared with the Bible, and how if I disobeyed her, God would smite me because "Honor thy father and mother" and "Obey your parents" are both in the Bible. I was so scared it messed up my mind. Every time I did not do something she wanted, she would tell me that I was doomed, or might be going to hell. I cried all the time when I was young because I was so scared. She says that because she is my mom, she has the right to tell me to do anything and I have to do it, or else face eternal punishment. When I was young, if I told her something she didn't believe, she made me put my hand on the Bible and swear to God about it. I thought if I swore to God and was lying, I would be killed on the spot. I developed religious OCD (no kidding!) and mom took me to a shrink. She said it was probably my mom's fault so my mom took me away and said we're never going back. Mom hates my bf because he is Hispanic and we're white. She says God forbids interracial marriage and is angry with me. I feel like God and Mom are angry with me all the time. I try to talk to my dad, but he is too scared of my mom to say anything. He just tells me to save up money and move out. I'm trying, but it is very hard. I want to finish college because I only have 1 1/2 years left. Any time I tell my friends about my problem, they just say "Stop being religious." The thing is, I do want to be religious. I don't want to be an atheist. I do believe in God; I just wish I wasn't so scared of Him. And scared of mom. My boyfriend is supportive, but doesn't completely understand the deep psychological grip she has on me. I can't afford counseling. Should I feel guilty all the time for everything? Can I lie to her about simple things (she says if I drink, I go to hell, if I listen to rap music, I go to hell, etc.)? It's very hard to live in the normal world. Growing up, I was always made fun of because I was the "weird kid" who had to wear old-fashioned clothes and couldn't watch PG movies. Please help me. Hi Jenna, I'm here to tell you that your mother is completely wrong about many of these things in the bible. She is unfortunately using it to control you. I've read the bible from front to back many times and read different interpretations and commentary. First of all let me tell you that it is impossible not to sin, it is in our very human nature. You will not get smited because you commit a sin. Jesus preaches a different message, while he's tough on people he also teaches a message a love. If you make a mistake you will not get smited... The verse says to honor your parents but inColossians 3:21 it says Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. This also applies to your mother, while she's not your father the bible was writen in a different time. Due the woman become equals in society it's not uncommon to see a woman lay down the rules of the house.... much like your mother. I believe this verse can fit with both the mother and father. 1 Thessalonians - But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children. Your mother is not caring for you like she should, she is ruling of you with fear. As you see the bible clearly does not give your the mother the right to say anything she wants to you just because she is your parent. As far as the interacial marriage being wrong... that is also FALSE. Just read this, it does a better job of explaining: http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/what-does-bible-teach-about-dating-marriage-between-races.html She is also wrong about you drinking and going to hell. Jesus himself drank wine. The bible says "do not drink until drunkeness". Jesus's first miracle was infact to create wine out of water at a wedding feast. Now... If drinking sent a person to hell why would Jesus turn water into wine as his first miracle? Jesus is also documented drinking wine at the last super, and the word "fermented" is used in that context which implies and alcholic drink. The bible also never says anything about listening to rap music and going to hell... Some people choose not to listen to secular music but if you do it's not a sin. Honoring your mom doesn't have to mean you bend to her every whim. Also let me say this again.... YOU WILL NOT GO TO HELL IF YOU SIN, but you need to repent. Your mom is spewing rubbish. If I were you I'd rediscover the bible for yourself. Maybe attend a seminary, and go to a new church.
TaraMaiden Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I'm sorry you're going through this, and I would say two things: One, check with your priest about some of the things that scare you, but don't mention the fact that your mother is using these to manipulate, control and terrify you. Secondly - and I mean no offence - it's possible your mother might be mentally ill. I can only think that this kind of excessive, fanatical obsessive attack on you is through and for some experience she might have had, that has tilted her reason. Truly. This behaviour is not one of a rational, christian-minded God-loving individual. It's sick. In the true sense of the word. I think your mother needs treatment. But there's no way you'll either convince her of this, or get it done. So the most vital thing is to arm yourself with rational knowledge, and know that her spewings are from a seat of a deranged personality. Listen to her by all means. take none of it in, take none of it to heart, and don't believe a word of it. Not as she intends it, at all.
quankanne Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 jenna, your college campus should have counseling services that you can make use of; also, if there is a professor (or even your advisor) that you're comfortable talking to, definitely share your concerns. It might not immediately solve your problems, but just knowing that there's someone who doesn't judge you (or subscribe to your mother's strange method of parenting) will make a huge difference in helping you feel better. Because 25 is too long to let your mom bully you. as for "mixed marriage" ... that's complete and utter BS. Tell her God doesn't like inbreeding, and therefore put this young man in your life just kidding. Let her spew, then ignore her. You won't go to hell, trust me on this. Because isn't God about love and kindness and forgiveness? And your mother is preaching the complete opposite ... fear and control and hate ... it's hard walking away from something you innately know is wrong, especially when it deals with family members, but you were not created to be browbeaten by someone, God created you to possess love and dignity. If it means distancing yourself from someone or a situation that is toxic for you psychologically, physically or emotionally, you deserve to live peacefully, without that toxicity. It doesn't mean you don't love your mother any less, but that you understand what it healthy and unhealthy behavior, and that YOU respond as you see fit. I pray that you come to an understanding of God that is all your own, and that you see how much he loves you. And that a relationship is between you and him, not you, him and your toxic mom ... hugs, q
Yer_Blues Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 (edited) Children cannot consent to extremist religious views. The idea of hell is extremist. To use it against children is sickening. That's what happens when a religion is largely based around recruitment tactics like hell and original sin. It's disgusting. I wanted to continue believing in God too. With every drop of my existence. I sunk to the lowest point I've ever been when I lost the faith, but I've been able to start the healing process from it since. If you actually believe, then more power to you. I envy you in a way. But if you are kidding yourself like I tried to because you don't like the implications of not having a faith, it will only make it more difficult in the long run. Edited December 27, 2010 by Yer_Blues
soleharmony1123 Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 Jenna, God's laws and commandments are always balanced. In the same way that "children are to be obedient to their parents," he also admonishes parents to "not be exasperating their children, but to bring them up in the discipline and mental regulating of God" (Ephesians 6:1-4). Also, Deuteronomy chapter 6, verses 5-7 admonishes parents first to cultivate their own spirituality by building a love for God in their own hearts (this rules out browbeating, frightening & manipulating one's child). That can only be accomplished if your Mother really knows what is in the Bible herself and not by picking & choosing laws & principles that suit her purposes of manipulation and invoking fear in you. Jesus taught his disciples through illustrations, by reasoning with them and by demonstration. Not by invoking fear in his disciples, nor through impatience. He set an example for parents to follow with their children – that of being patient with them and teaching them Bible principles through repetition and by example (Matthew 18:1-4, Matthew 20:25-27 and John 13:12-15). As others have pointed out here, the Bible is not a message of doom & gloom, but it is a guidebook for how to govern our lives. You should consult with someone who has an accurate understanding of the Bible and its meaning. In order for this to happen, it is advisable that you do as a wise king in the Bible did - wise King Solomon - he prayed for wisdom. As for the issue about wine – well, the apostle Paul advised Timothy to “take a little wine for the stomach” and his frequent cases of sickness. Note here the apostle Paul said “a little wine.” He did not recommend over-indulgence since the Bible condemns drunkenness (Proverbs 23:20). Pray to God for understanding and to find the truth about God's Word (John 8:32) because there are many churches and religious organizations out there whose leadership do not practice what they preach (hypocritical). Some of them are just as maniacal as you describe your Mother to be in her “extreme” behaviors (I mean no disrespect to your Mother). That’s my 2 cents. J
Butterflying Posted December 30, 2010 Posted December 30, 2010 God only exist within whomever believes in It. The same goes for heaven and hell. It all depends on what be choose to believe. Test this theory. Hold the Bible in your hand. Swear something you know is a lie. See what happens. I promise... you will not die. Most likely, nothing will happen. Test this theory. Believe that God is loving. Now consider all the terrible things that have happened in this world. What do you think now? I promise... God is responsible for all things good and evil. We all have the power to do good and evil. And really, the only thing that power has to do with God is the power that is within us. It's not some man living in the sky. Test this theory. Believe that Satan is bad. Now consider, who created Satan? Exactly, God did!! Therefore, God is responsible for Satan because if God didn't want Satan to cause bad things to happen, God would have simply gotten rid of Satan. He is God isn't he! God can do anything can't he! So to that God who lives in the "so called" heaven in the sky I say, "Dude, stop trippin' and do whatever it is you wanted to do in the first place. Stop blaming Adam and Eve for **** that happened years ago. Stop holding mankind accountable because we didn't have nothing to do with their choices. Just because they sinned didn't mean everyone else would sin. If you want a perfect sinless world, you should have created it that way. Now get off your high horse and make me win the lottery!! Amen."
2010_Sorry Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hi Jenna, I'm here to tell you that your mother is completely wrong about many of these things in the bible. She is unfortunately using it to control you. I've read the bible from front to back many times and read different interpretations and commentary. First of all let me tell you that it is impossible not to sin, it is in our very human nature. You will not get smited because you commit a sin. Jesus preaches a different message, while he's tough on people he also teaches a message a love. If you make a mistake you will not get smited... The verse says to honor your parents but inColossians 3:21 it says Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. This also applies to your mother, while she's not your father the bible was writen in a different time. Due the woman become equals in society it's not uncommon to see a woman lay down the rules of the house.... much like your mother. I believe this verse can fit with both the mother and father. 1 Thessalonians - But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children. Your mother is not caring for you like she should, she is ruling of you with fear. As you see the bible clearly does not give your the mother the right to say anything she wants to you just because she is your parent. As far as the interacial marriage being wrong... that is also FALSE. Just read this, it does a better job of explaining: http://www.biblestudy.org/basicart/what-does-bible-teach-about-dating-marriage-between-races.html She is also wrong about you drinking and going to hell. Jesus himself drank wine. The bible says "do not drink until drunkeness". Jesus's first miracle was infact to create wine out of water at a wedding feast. Now... If drinking sent a person to hell why would Jesus turn water into wine as his first miracle? Jesus is also documented drinking wine at the last super, and the word "fermented" is used in that context which implies and alcholic drink. The bible also never says anything about listening to rap music and going to hell... Some people choose not to listen to secular music but if you do it's not a sin. Honoring your mom doesn't have to mean you bend to her every whim. Also let me say this again.... YOU WILL NOT GO TO HELL IF YOU SIN, but you need to repent. Your mom is spewing rubbish. If I were you I'd rediscover the bible for yourself. Maybe attend a seminary, and go to a new church. This is EXACTLY what I was thinking when I read Jenna's post... but your words were perfect.
TaraMaiden Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Wonder how Jenna's getting on? no post since the first one.
Author JennaMartine Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Hi everyone, I just wanted to thank everyone for their concern and advice. I've started talking with a professor who is a friend, and am trying to work through this. I have decided not to let my mother's words bother me any more. It will be difficult, but I think I can do it. I feel better now knowing that God doesn't hate me. I've started reading the Bible for myself and not just listening to her interpretations.
spiderowl Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Sorry to hear your story. Not everyone thinks like your Mum; in fact, in the UK she would be seen as an extremist. It sounds to me like you are just a normal person who wants a normal life. Jesus was keen on forgiveness and caring for people, not hurting them and threatening them. Your Mum sounds seriously obsessed and warped to me. You will probably be better off pyschologically when you can move out, providing it's to a better place and not some exploitative landlord. Do you have anything like the YWCA there? (Young Women's Christian Association). Sometimes they are able to help provide temporary housing in shared accommodation for young women in difficult or dangerous home circumstances. I do not think being with your Mum is at all good for you and it is psychologically very harmful. Although she may well be a fervent Christian, her behaviour is very controlling of you. She is not letting you be a person in your own right, with needs, hopes and any kind of freedom. She is desperately clinging on, by the sound of it, for her own psychological reasons. I think once you realise that your Mum has psychological problems and it's not you that's at fault here, maybe it will help you to distance yourself from her manipulations. If she wasn't using religion to control you, it would probably be something else. There are jobs which have accommodation with them. This can be a risky step to take as, if you don't get on with the employer, you could lose your job and your home, but in your circumstances a job with accommodation might be a better route for you than your present one. Something to consider anyway. Hope things work out for you.
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