Kowaco Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]After four years I broke up with my girlfriend after a fight. I am 54 and she is 42. I met her about two years after my divorce. The problem is that we have been having these on again off again fights for the whole four years. We never reached a smooth spot. The fights were always over what I considered to be nothing. I mean literally I didn’t hug her correctly or I was too far ahead of her in the checkout line. She dislikes my best friend why I don’t know, but she continually tried to tell me that he was gay and I probably was too. Then she wanted to know every time I talked to my ex-wife, which was rare since she left me after 20 years. I would see my ex maybe twice a year if she dropped one of the kids off and I had never been to her house. My girlfriend could be the nicest, most fun person to be around but anything could set her off. Every time I think about her I remember another time we had a fight over something stupid. The worst part is that after one of these fights I try to see her side and think maybe I could have thought out what I said better etc., but she never apologizes for anything. After the fight if I don’t think I did something wrong she will spend endless hours trying to convince me I was wrong even if it is over something completely ludicrous. She hates my ex-wife, my friends, women at my work, her boss and her relationship with my kids is pretty sketchy. So why did I stay this long, probably because when I first met her I was getting over my divorce and she seemed like a Godsend. I guess I overlooked some things that happened right from the very beginning and then the hope that things would change, I didn’t want to hurt her, etc. I do have deep feelings for her, don’t want to start over but I just feel so smothered and on edge all the time. I could take a few spats or arguments a year, but not once a week. I’ve started to believe she just doesn’t want to have a relationship because things will be going really nice and she has literally thrown a fit because I didn’t park close to her when we went to the gym. I know this is my side of the story, but I just feel like I’m crazy now because she’s convinced me everything I do is some way to screw with her.[/FONT][/sIZE]
vandelay Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 It seems pretty obvious who the crazy one is! That "on-edge" feeling sucks! It is toxic, like acid eating away at your brain. I have been on the receiving end of that kind of hatred before. Do whatever you can to get away from that. You will have clarity once again.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 If you feel smothered all of the time, you have to break it off. A relationship is supposed to be fun and rainbows. There is nothing you could have done to try harder and change her without putting your foot down and yelling at her to cut the shyt.
fiat500 Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Hi OP you genuinely tried to make things work but your ex constantly had a stick up her ass about something. you said she never apologized. THAT'S BAD. Did she ever apologize? Ever try to see things your way? Did she want to make things work? Did she explain why she was so uptight?? Did she offer to compromise and admit her faults? If not, then it was a good idea to run. well, relationships are happy and rainbows but occasionally they'll hit bad roads and snags but GODD**N. This woman finds a problem about everything.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 Kowaco..... I'm 45 and divorced too. My recent gf was exactly like yours. I did the same thing, always apologizing and trying to work things out even when she was at fault. She never once apologized for anything. She too was obsessed with my last ex wife who I hadn't seen or spoke to in 5 years! Right now you are probably thinking about trying to make up after the fight that broke you up. PLEASE.... do NOT do it. Let her go- trust me. It will not get any better. Is that really what you feel you deserve? Some insight for you..... if you're anything like me you may be trying to make up for your divorce. I stuck with my last gf for 2 years when in the first 3 months I could see the red flags (like the ones you describe about your gf). I did it because I was trying to prove to myself that I could be a better, more caring, and patient man with my woman (which I screwed up with my last wife). You know what? I treated my last gf great- better than most men treats their wives. So I'm not sorry for staying with her since I learned much from the experience. However, her breaking up with me 5 months ago was the last straw, and I have found it easy to stay away. You have tried to make this work. Now, just let it go. No apologizes, nothing. Read the no contact guides posted in this forum, and dont even think about trying to work this out. I wish you well.
Graceful Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I do have deep feelings for her, don’t want to start over but I just feel so smothered and on edge all the time. I could take a few spats or arguments a year, but not once a week. I’ve started to believe she just doesn’t want to have a relationship because things will be going really nice and she has literally thrown a fit because I didn’t park close to her when we went to the gym. I know this is my side of the story, but I just feel like I’m crazy now because she’s convinced me everything I do is some way to screw with her. Ok, take a deep breath and listen to the advice here b/c it will help you feel better. You did the right thing breaking up with her and it was probably way over due. You may want to pick up the book "Walking on Eggshells" or read about BPD (borderline personality disorder) just to open your eyes to the fact you may have been with someone who has more serious issues than you imagined or that you could ever figure out. All of those outbursts, all of those arguments, all of her unreasonable jealousies and criticisms, man, I don't know how you took that for as long as you did. She might have even had NPD, but what ever is wrong with her, this is what they do, they twist things around so badly you don't know if you are coming or going, you end up feeling crazy b/c they do convince you that you can't do anything right, but that is projection. They PROJECT onto you, all their own issues, so you end up feeling like they do on the inside. What I am trying to say is that you feel like she does now. She is all twisted up on the inside and the only way she knows how to deal with it is to pass it on to someone else. It's like she is overflowing with issues and negativity and needs to get rid of it every day b/c she cannot carry it alone, so she shoves it onto you and tries to make you feel like you own some of it. No matter what you do, maintain NC and start to heal. Perhaps read up on BPD or NPD, but don't over do it. You're better off alone. She was truly emotionally abusing you, that is why you are sucked dry and feel the way you do. Kudos to you for putting yourself first and breaking up with her and realizing you deserve better. Take your time recovering and take it easy. Take care.
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