stupidgurl Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 I guess I know the answer to that. Maybe I just need someone to tell me how true it is. I dated a guy for 2 1/2 years. He's not very communicative and eventually I closed up, too. We had a fight one day and that was it. (April 2009) I sent him a text or two, no response. Fast forward to June of this year. I accidentally (well, maybe not) included him on a text to a lot of people and he responded. We started texting some and he came over and put in a ceiling fan for me. I kept his dog while he was out of town on business in return. I got drunk the night he came to pick the dog up and texted him that I'd like to be FWB. So, we've kinda been that way since Sept. or so. He sent me a text on Thanksgiving wanting to come over and I texted him back saying that I couldn't do the FWB thing anymore. He didn't stop trying, though and I eventually saw him. He never said he wanted more but we've been hanging out some. Our FWB isn't just sex. We go out to eat and to the movies, but it's so different than when we were an item. Today is Christmas. Both of my parents are dead and my siblings live 3 hours away. I haven't heard from any of them (as usual) and have spent the entire day alone. I saw on his sister in law's FB page that he was with them (her and his brother and niece) Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and Christmas afternoon/evening. (I have asked him to not tell them about our FWB arrangement.) He came over two days ago to put a faucet in for me, but I haven't heard from him since. He knows I'm alone. It's Christmas for Christ's sake and not a word from him. Please tell me I'm a moron for even giving a fart. I know it's true, but can't really talk to my friend's about it. I'm embarrassed because at one time he thought the world of me and now I'm nobody to him. I don't even know why I give a dern. I know actions speak louder than words, yet a part of me still wants to think he cares. Go ahead now, tell me what a loser I am.
i made a mess Posted December 26, 2010 Posted December 26, 2010 You are not a loser by any means...however you initiated a FWB relationship with an ex. Therfore you released him from any obligation of being concerned about your plans on a major holiday. Generally a female enters into a FWB relationship hoping to get the friend part along with benefits, most men usually just want the benefits. It's called no strings. But if you are wanting him to care it may be a sign that your FWB relationship may need to end so you dont get hurt. Clearly you have some unresolved feelings for him and this isn't going to end well. Keep your chin up girl! Merry Christmas!!!
Author stupidgurl Posted December 26, 2010 Author Posted December 26, 2010 how convenient. He just sent me a text to see if the faucet he put in Thursday is leaking. Apparently, didn't matter so much the past two days (Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). I need someone to tell me I'm an idiot for even entertaining the idea of sending a text back. Anyone?
i made a mess Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 how convenient. He just sent me a text to see if the faucet he put in Thursday is leaking. Apparently, didn't matter so much the past two days (Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). I need someone to tell me I'm an idiot for even entertaining the idea of sending a text back. Anyone? Do NOT respond...I repeat...Do NOT respond. And if you need to hear it one more time...Do NOT respond. You're not an idiot...you need to remind yourself that you are stronger than that. FWB does not work with exes...if you're going to go that route because you need your "needs" met, you would need FWB someone you have no past with, no deep feelings whether present or past for. One foot in front of the other, going in the opposite direction of your ex is my suggestion to you.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Why would you come to a message board to be called an idiot when youre friends can do it for you? Youre an idiot, there it is. You felt you needed to reconnect with your ex, so you initiated it. You didnt go and find a new guy becauee maybe youre still not over your ex yet. So now that you know he's happy because he gets the sex part without the caring part, and youre miserable, what are you gonna do? BTW if the answer is anything but "I will never talk to him again and I will try to move on", then youre a coward, not an idiot. AN idiot wouldnt understand that she is in an FWB, which you do realize.
Author stupidgurl Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 I failed to mention that our last three dates have ended with a sweet hug and kiss goodnight. No sex at all. Yes, they were dates. We went to out to dinner and to the movies. I think there is a chance but don't know how to act at this point. I don't want to "jump" every time he texts or calls, but I do not want to be a cold witch and ignore him like a child playing games. It's just hard to not be in that same place in his life I once was.....
NG85 Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 Going FWB can be detrimental, especially if you want to win him back. Sex is one of the best and most personal things you can give a guy. If he's in it for the sex and you give it to him, he can walk away from it feeling on top of the world, while you're essentially feeling used and heartbroken. If you want him back, make him work for it. Stop having sex with him. Don't even kiss him. If he really cares he'll stick around. But if he can't get his kicks and he runs away, then he's probably not even worth it because he was just using you.
Author stupidgurl Posted December 27, 2010 Author Posted December 27, 2010 stopped having sex with him, though it wasn't a premeditated decision. Now that it's been a while, and we're still talking, I feel that I'm a little more in control of things. (I feel it will be easier to not go there without seeming manipulative.) So, what is an appropriate length of time to keep hanging out (no sex) without something more from him? I know every situation is different, but any insight or general guidelines would be appreciated.
i made a mess Posted December 27, 2010 Posted December 27, 2010 stopped having sex with him, though it wasn't a premeditated decision. Now that it's been a while, and we're still talking, I feel that I'm a little more in control of things. (I feel it will be easier to not go there without seeming manipulative.) So, what is an appropriate length of time to keep hanging out (no sex) without something more from him? I know every situation is different, but any insight or general guidelines would be appreciated. The appropriate length of time would be if he were to say, I want to work on things and want to start a meaningful relationship up with you. Then, and only then, once he has started proving to you that he has changed and you are both on the same page and are committed to eachother and the relationship should you pick up a sexual relationship. The length of time, just hanging out as friends can vary...if he isn't showing any interest in starting over, getting to know one another again, and showing that he's ready for more than FWB...move on.
Author stupidgurl Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 Oh, well. He's seeing someone else. Yes, it hurts, but I have finally admitted to myself something I've know all along....Guys aren't complicated. If they want to be with you, they will find a way. Period.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 I certainly don't see you as a loser. You are someone who still has plenty of reason to feel as if you HAVE somebody on your mind (based on all of the emotional investment you've made IN that person). The best cure for what you're feeling is to cause yourself to be out there where interesting and interested guys might be. If you have a laptop computer, take it to a nearby coffee shop and do your web-browsing there a couple of times a week. I don't suppose men are going to fall out of trees immediately, but a steady routine of getting out and putting yourself in a position to simply meet more people would be good in many ways. It really is OK to have expressed what you wanted. The FWB thing isn't for everyone, but you did get what you said you wanted, so take that as a reason for confidence about expressing yourself and your wishes in the future.
Hades Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 You titled this thread: How stupid am I? So, you are aware you're making poor choices. Why do you accept crumbs from this man? I had a FWB situation years ago and this person was my best friend. He told me he loved me every day and he was caring and loving and really a good friend to me first. So if you are looking for FWB, find someone else! This person doesn't sound like he has any respect for you and I highly doubt he is going to catch feelings at this point. I'm sorry to be so harsh.
CopingGal Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Just be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you want from him. Tell him what you need from him. He seems to care about you on some level. He didn't have to do those things for you. He could have made up some excuses. I'm not sure about the Christmas thing, but just calmly tell him what you want and need. Good luck.
Author stupidgurl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 CG - He's seeing someone else. That's tells me everything I need to know. Knowing that is helping me to be a little more selfish (it's all about ME right now) and hug myself tighter and love myself more. When the going gets tough....
CopingGal Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 Oh. But I will say this, some people can be seeing someone, but still be thinking about the other person. It does happen. But you have to decide what is right for you. I'm sorry you are in pain. There's break up books, coping books and more that really, really help, and of course, LS.
Author stupidgurl Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 OH H*(L NO! As fragile as our "relationship" was at the point he decided to see someone else tells me he doesn't give a crap. Even if he did, how in the heck could he even THINK about bringing a third party in to this mess? Either way, he's lost me now. I will never be able to trust him again.
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