Am I a bad woman?

[Crazy Mind]

Hi everyone!

 

At first- I'm very sorry about my English. I'm a European girl that is still learning.

 

I'll start from the beggining. I'm in a relationship with a guy that is 13 years older than me. I met him 4 years ago and we've been living together since 2008. I'm almost 22 years old, so I'm still very young and, let's say, full of hormones. Our relationship was great for the first 2 years; sparkles were always there, no matter what we did, we were always so in love with each other. Our sex life was also dream-like. I was even jealous of others who were close to him (I mean female friends mostly), because I so much wanted to be in center of his attention. Always.

 

2 years ago our relationship reached a dangerous level of stagnation and boredom. My man found a very hard, physical job that he starts early and ends late in the evening. I don't see him most of the day now. He also stopped taking care of himself that much, so on weekends he usually walks around the house unattractive- not shaved and with dirty hair. It puts me off, even though we talked about it so many times, he solves the problem for like 3 days. Then it all gets back to "normal".

 

I've been always very physical and I love carresses and kisses. When he gets back home from work he usually doesn't feel like having sex or at least giving me some carresses... He stopped being sexual as he works so hard and this kind of made me... desperate. I don't want you to guys think, that sex is the most important to me, because it isn't. But it's a very important part of a relationship to me and lack of it makes me feel sad, especially as our sex life was so fruitful few years ago (he showed me the meaning of TRUE sex). I appreciate his effort, but I think work shouldn't be more important than real life.

 

So this is it- I started fantasizing about other men. The thing is... it stopped being so innocent when I met an attractive guy from America (yes, thousands of miles away) over the Internet. I met him on a video game forum, so we had some things to talk about. I saw his pictures on his profile and I found him extremely hot. Then he saw my pictures. We started talking on MSN from time to time about random things (we are also both musicians), when one day he payed me few nice and very cute compliments. After a month we started talking about families, about problems in our relationships (he HAS a girlfriend and already went steady, but, as he says, he's not happy with his girlfriend, eesh) and finally also about sex we were both (and still are) lacking. I felt like we were joking at the beggining, but with time it turned out to be very serious.

 

I started getting e-mails from him every day. He told me very serious things, like I'm the only person he feels so open with, that I'm caring and loving, that our sexual fantasies matches perfectly. Finally we started to cam every morning before his work. 8 hours time difference, but we we've been doing everything to see each other. We've been talking about everything while also seeing each other. He started being even more attractive to me when I got to know his body language, his voice, his laugh, his smile, his eyes. We don't talk about sex or sexual things in general only. We talk about love, about life issues, about religion, music etc. Sometimes I answer to question he didn't even got to ask yet and is just about to, or we say the same things at the same time. I noticed that strong mental connection. I got attached to him and he got attached to me. Vocal conversations got us closer.

 

I know you guys will probably ask me questions like: "how would you feel if your bf did the same to you?" or something like this, but the problem is: I care for my man and I care for the other too. I worry about them, I check on them, I talk to them, I help them if they have problems. The difference is: I feel attracted to that man from America, even though I never touched him, when my boyfriend doesn't attract me that much anymore as he stopped taking care of himself. The Handsome from America is like a fantasy come true. He's taken care of, has well-payed but light job (so he doesn't get back home exhausted), he's intelligent and also a very talented musician. My man is a very good and loving man, but he's more like a very good friend, rather than a lover and a life companion. It's seriously hard to describe. Yes, I do love him. I feel bad doing it all behind his back, but I can't forget about the other. I flirt with American for 4 months already and things are just getting more serious every day. The other thing is- he said he loves me. I said the same. No matter what people may think about love from afar, I believe it's possible.

 

I know about his disadvantages, he's not perfect to me either- nevertheless, he's as close to my dream-man as he can be. Is it possible to love two men at the same time and care for both? I was always this kind of a woman that was sticking strictly to the rule called "monogamy and monogamy only", but I broke that rule after few years of being in a relationship, which is weird about me...

 

I even started thinking about such things as: "it would be awesome to have them both and if they felt great about it". I don't even know who I would choose if I must. I know it sounds strange.

 

Am I a weirdo and a bad woman?

Edited December 25, 2010 by Crazy Mind

[Jynxx]

Am I a weirdo and a bad woman?

No.

 

I even started thinking about such things as: "it would be awesome to have them both and if they felt great about it". I don't even know who I would choose if I must. I know it sounds strange.

This is not gonna happen. You're gonna have to either choose or cheat. And if you really love and respect a man, it goes without saying you shouldn't cheat on him;

[Feelin Frisky]

You're not bad. You're just a young lady whose torn. I don't know what kind of advice to give someone who only knows someone else through technology. There's no real history to look to. Perhaps you should consider that all relationships have a honeymoon period where everything seems great. But then reality starts to make itself known. There's no garanty that everyone is going to stay the way they look when they are trying to win you.

 

As much as the connection with the guy from America is, you can't really know him. Maybe this guy will be a presence in your life for a longt time. But if you don't get together in reality then time is wasting.

[sally4sara]

How do you fill your day while your BF is gone pulling this long and heavy shift he started working?

[Stonewall]

The grass is not always greener on the otherside.... You're attracted to him now but if/when you meet him IRL a lot will change. Ask yourself, is it worth destroying what sounds like a perfectly good relationship over?

 

Another question to ask yourself is do you want a long distance relationship? You say that you live in Europe right? The fact of the matter is it might be hard to live in the states for an extended period of time due to visa issues. You'd also be leaving behind all you know, your friends, family, and your lover.

 

I know a little about long distance relationships, I was in one for 4 years... I met a girl in Argentina and we started a relationship together. It's probably one of the hardest things I've had to endure. You complain about your boyfriend not carressing you as much, and in general being more tired out now but just wait until you're seperated by oceans.

 

You also said he just started this physical job, correct? This could only be a phase he's going through while he's getting used to the job. (I can't remember very many details from your post because I'm kind of in dream land)

[road]

This is why large age differences are not good.

[Crazy Mind]

Thank you all for replies!

 

@ Jynxx- Thank you. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that this IS a betrayal. Emotional, but it is. I'm at this phase, though, where I don't know if I should listen to my mind (leave it- online relationships never work) or my heart (take the risk, move to US and be with the other). I keep thinking about the best and least painful solution, but the more I think, the more confused I get .

 

@ Feelin Frisky- Thank you for being so understanding. I know about those Honeymoon periods; I started to live with my man early and I saw with my own eyes how things change. I'm also aware that I can't know someone who I actually never saw in real life; I talk with American guy a lot and we can say I know him quite well, but that's a fact that time verifies everything, especially in real life. He talks a lot about meeting up, he has plans, but I have no idea when/if they come true.

 

@ sally4sara- I take care of the house at the moment, since I lost my job and I'm looking for a new one. I also work every now and then for people I know.

 

@ Stonewall- Thank you. You're right. I actually think A LOT about me leaving my country and moving to USA, to meet my "dream guy". The exciting part is me being with him, but I have no idea how such a long distance would work on me in the long run (I'm this kind of a family girl, even though I don't live in my native country atm). Online relationships are very hard and I know about it. We already went through a very hard phase, though, where I suggested to end this for our own good. It ended up we got even closer to each other, promising to be strong and hopeful... I'm still not sure what I should be hopeful for and that's the biggest problem of all- I live on unstable ground; hurting my BF, but making someone else happy. The thing is- the man from America makes me happy too. And no matter how weird that sounds... he cares for me more from afar at the moment, than my own man. This is all so twisted...

 

@ road- I still think that it's not the matter of age difference. It's a fact that such huge make things harder sometimes, especially if one person is around 20-25 years old, but 2 years ago I thought that there is no better couple than me and my boyfriend. He was working somewhere else then and was home earlier, so he still had some time to take care both for himself and me. His new work changed everything...

[sally4sara]

@ sally4sara- I take care of the house at the moment, since I lost my job and I'm looking for a new one. I also work every now and then for people I know.

 

 

Perhaps you're more idle than is good for you right now. He is gone all day with less time to maintain his grooming and be upbeat. You're feeling board and waiting for him - a mismatch of enthusiasm is making you feel less passionate. Maybe if you took up a hobby or interest that got you out of the house more you would be chatting with this fella less. Being at home so much, its easy for this guy to seem interesting because he is a source of entertainment for you. If you were making yourself more useful or focusing on a new passion - he wouldn't seen so entertaining. You'd experience more instances of feeling exhausted and be more capable of identifying with your BF's situation. Right now he HAS to put in these hours to make up for the income you're not bringing in. You're seeing it as something he is doing to you rather than something he is doing FOR you both.

[dont-be-naive]

The title asks, "Am I a bad woman?"

 

so my answer is: yes

[Feelin Frisky]

CM, what would happen if you meet the American guy and he has bad breath that won't go away? I've had feelings--even passions--for women from a distance and hoped to some day realize my affections. Then, when I'd actually gotten the chance to get close, two of them had smells I just couldn't abide--one had nasty BO and the other had breath like a ferret climbed up in the wall and died. My infatuations were over in a heart beat. Consider that until you really get close in person you won't really know who someone else is--you'll only know the good stuff they portray. Good luck.

[Crazy Mind]

@ sally4sara - Thank you for the comment. I'm also a guitar player, so I usually sing and play if I have too much of a free time (at home, though). I try not to be idle. Me and him don't see each other or talk to each other often either, since we have a huge time difference. We talk a lot in the morning his time, but that's usually it.

 

@ Dont-be-naive - Thanks for being honest! ...

 

@ Feelin Frisky - I perfectly understand what you mean. Since I flirt with the guy who is on the other side of an ocean, I pretty much can just imagine his smell or even fantasize that his breath is perfect and his body smells with flowers. We have talked about it, though, and he said that bad breath is something he can't accept as well. So I can just assume he's always well prepared before he kisses a girl. At least I hope so. I do admit that scent is incredibly important to me and I don't know how I'd behave if he smelled bad. That's an interesting point of view, though.

[Feelin Frisky]

@ sally4sara - Thank you for the comment. I'm also a guitar player, so I usually sing and play if I have too much of a free time (at home, though). I try not to be idle. Me and him don't see each other or talk to each other often either, since we have a huge time difference. We talk a lot in the morning his time, but that's usually it.

 

@ Dont-be-naive - Thanks for being honest! ...

 

@ Feelin Frisky - I perfectly understand what you mean. Since I flirt with the guy who is on the other side of an ocean, I pretty much can just imagine his smell or even fantasize that his breath is perfect and his body smells with flowers. We have talked about it, though, and he said that bad breath is something he can't accept as well. So I can just assume he's always well prepared before he kisses a girl. At least I hope so. I do admit that scent is incredibly important to me and I don't know how I'd behave if he smelled bad. That's an interesting point of view, though.

It's been pretty surprising to me just how man people in my world have bad breath and don't know it. I have two brothers who have it and when I said something they got totally defensive instead of taking it as a desire to help them out. My female boss on Wall St. had breath like HELL. Her gob was the very gate of stank hell. Whatya do but just keep yer distance.

[Woman In Blue]

Yeah, this is what happens alot when an older guy wants to get himself a young playmate, and then he can't keep up with her. If you met this guy almost 4 years ago, that means you were 17 or just 18 when you met this guy. Gross. There's something real wrong with a 31 year old MAN that chases a 17 or 18 year old teenage girl.

 

Are you really THAT surprised that your relationship isn't quite the Nirvana you thought it would be?

 

You're a young girl. Go out and enjoy life. You think as he gets closer to 40 he's going to become more youthful instead of less? Ain't happening.

[Distant78]

My answer is yes. Instead of cheating on him, as you are now, just tell him what you've been doing and let him decide if he wants to stay or not.

[dont-be-naive]

My answer is yes. Instead of cheating on him, as you are now, just tell him what you've been doing and let him decide if he wants to stay or not.

 

this is the best route to ensure he has a say in his life. anything less is nothing but ongoing deception, lies, and disrespect

[PegNosePete]

In the immortal words of The Offspring:

 

She sits on her ass, he works his hands to the bone

to give her money every payday

but she wants more dinero just to stay at home

Well my friend, you gotta say

 

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way

why don't you get a job

say no way, say no way, no way

why don't you get a job

[Space Ritual]

Hi everyone!

 

At first- I'm very sorry about my English. I'm a European girl that is still learning.

 

I'll start from the beggining. I'm in a relationship with a guy that is 13 years older than me. I met him 4 years ago and we've been living together since 2008. I'm almost 22 years old, so I'm still very young and, let's say, full of hormones. Our relationship was great for the first 2 years; sparkles were always there, no matter what we did, we were always so in love with each other. Our sex life was also dream-like. I was even jealous of others who were close to him (I mean female friends mostly), because I so much wanted to be in center of his attention. Always.

 

2 years ago our relationship reached a dangerous level of stagnation and boredom. My man found a very hard, physical job that he starts early and ends late in the evening. I don't see him most of the day now. He also stopped taking care of himself that much, so on weekends he usually walks around the house unattractive- not shaved and with dirty hair. It puts me off, even though we talked about it so many times, he solves the problem for like 3 days. Then it all gets back to "normal".

 

I've been always very physical and I love carresses and kisses. When he gets back home from work he usually doesn't feel like having sex or at least giving me some carresses... He stopped being sexual as he works so hard and this kind of made me... desperate. I don't want you to guys think, that sex is the most important to me, because it isn't. But it's a very important part of a relationship to me and lack of it makes me feel sad, especially as our sex life was so fruitful few years ago (he showed me the meaning of TRUE sex). I appreciate his effort, but I think work shouldn't be more important than real life.

 

So this is it- I started fantasizing about other men. The thing is... it stopped being so innocent when I met an attractive guy from America (yes, thousands of miles away) over the Internet. I met him on a video game forum, so we had some things to talk about. I saw his pictures on his profile and I found him extremely hot. Then he saw my pictures. We started talking on MSN from time to time about random things (we are also both musicians), when one day he payed me few nice and very cute compliments. After a month we started talking about families, about problems in our relationships (he HAS a girlfriend and already went steady, but, as he says, he's not happy with his girlfriend, eesh) and finally also about sex we were both (and still are) lacking. I felt like we were joking at the beggining, but with time it turned out to be very serious.

 

I started getting e-mails from him every day. He told me very serious things, like I'm the only person he feels so open with, that I'm caring and loving, that our sexual fantasies matches perfectly. Finally we started to cam every morning before his work. 8 hours time difference, but we we've been doing everything to see each other. We've been talking about everything while also seeing each other. He started being even more attractive to me when I got to know his body language, his voice, his laugh, his smile, his eyes. We don't talk about sex or sexual things in general only. We talk about love, about life issues, about religion, music etc. Sometimes I answer to question he didn't even got to ask yet and is just about to, or we say the same things at the same time. I noticed that strong mental connection. I got attached to him and he got attached to me. Vocal conversations got us closer.

 

I know you guys will probably ask me questions like: "how would you feel if your bf did the same to you?" or something like this, but the problem is: I care for my man and I care for the other too. I worry about them, I check on them, I talk to them, I help them if they have problems. The difference is: I feel attracted to that man from America, even though I never touched him, when my boyfriend doesn't attract me that much anymore as he stopped taking care of himself. The Handsome from America is like a fantasy come true. He's taken care of, has well-payed but light job (so he doesn't get back home exhausted), he's intelligent and also a very talented musician. My man is a very good and loving man, but he's more like a very good friend, rather than a lover and a life companion. It's seriously hard to describe. Yes, I do love him. I feel bad doing it all behind his back, but I can't forget about the other. I flirt with American for 4 months already and things are just getting more serious every day. The other thing is- he said he loves me. I said the same. No matter what people may think about love from afar, I believe it's possible.

 

I know about his disadvantages, he's not perfect to me either- nevertheless, he's as close to my dream-man as he can be. Is it possible to love two men at the same time and care for both? I was always this kind of a woman that was sticking strictly to the rule called "monogamy and monogamy only", but I broke that rule after few years of being in a relationship, which is weird about me...

 

I even started thinking about such things as: "it would be awesome to have them both and if they felt great about it". I don't even know who I would choose if I must. I know it sounds strange.

 

Am I a weirdo and a bad woman?

 

You are living in internet fantasy air...Grow Up

[jenifer1972]

I find myself getting quite angry when I read your posts. You are incredibly naive about the reality of relationships , you are cheating on a man who is taking care of you. Why don't you get a job so your man doesn't have to work like a slave?? Instead you spend your timing camming and fantasizing about a stranger. Older men who fantasize about how great it would be to be with a much younger woman should read your post as a warning of what they are in for.